Today i got weighed at the surgery 41.6kgs which isn't too bad especially after my binge on xmas. I think my scales at home are bout 2kgs out maybe idk this mroning it said 39 and a bit so yeh tad gutted bwt that i want some digital ones but im outa money :(. I had to have a ECG which was fine but rather embarrasing as she had to put those pads on me and i dont like to be touched. And i had my bloods done this nurse tried to get some but i wouldn't bleed apparently how ironic eh? so she had to call this nurse who pulled the tornoque (idk how to spell it :P) real tight and started slapping my vein n my blood still wouldnt come out n then she stuck the needle in further n i heard it spray out it was horrible.
...
I'm planning on meeting Sarah off PA tomorrow im really nervous like idk what to do coz im always really nervous and shy around ppl i first meet even though we have been speaking for the past 5 months or so. I just hope we get on and talk aswell as we do online u no? i hope it all goes ok especially coz im meeting a peron from the internet. eeks I am excited tho fingers crossed it all goes well :)
xx
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Monday, 27 December 2010
xmas '10
 |
| My ugly self |
 |
| Fizz n her presents :) |
So ive said to myself im not gunna eat until the new year. Ive fasted today. Wednesday i was gunna get weighed av my blood nicked n an ECG but now i dont think i can go i cant take that right now.
...
I spent all of my xmas money. On shit. Really what i buy really is. From 8 this morning til 4 i was out. A day wasted not revising. I'm so bad! Im failing at everything atm
xx
Friday, 24 December 2010
Last xmas i gave u my heart but the very next day u gave it away...
Well to be precise its been 2 years since u told me u liked me. U made it the best xmas ive ever had. After waiting all day for Patricks hollow 3 words it was yours that completed me. It's really pathetic that i still hold onto that day, that moment- i bet you dont. I wish we had made a go of it and i wish i never told you about my problems, ano i drove u away. It's really pathetic that everytime i see you i'm wishing inside for you to look me in the eye and to notice i exist to you. I really did and still do have feelings for u Alex. :'(
I ope everyone has a very merry xmas!
...
OOOh I've bought a Euro Millions ticket so im praying for winning tonight haha thats a laugh isn't it?! i think i'll just have to endure the day a couple of pennies better off. Bring on the sales thats what i say Topshop, Zara, Accessorize mamas coming!!!! haha
I think i am gunna binge tomorrow i dont want to i'm gunna resist it coz i'm really starting to believe "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" once u've tasted it and feel REALLY guilty about it i just think was that actually worth it?
Anyway i hope i dont get too shitty and stressy!
love you all
xx
 |
| This was me last xmas. |
...
OOOh I've bought a Euro Millions ticket so im praying for winning tonight haha thats a laugh isn't it?! i think i'll just have to endure the day a couple of pennies better off. Bring on the sales thats what i say Topshop, Zara, Accessorize mamas coming!!!! haha
I think i am gunna binge tomorrow i dont want to i'm gunna resist it coz i'm really starting to believe "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" once u've tasted it and feel REALLY guilty about it i just think was that actually worth it?
Anyway i hope i dont get too shitty and stressy!
love you all
xx
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Someone has been watching over me...
hearing my cry,
seeing my pain.
Monday i gets a call from YCED and they had a cancellation so i got my assessment yesterday at 10 :D
It was funny coz i juss text someone saying that i binged and purged and couldn't take this anymore *looking longingly at the knife drawer* when they rang. How amazing is that? Someone up there musta heard me and they aren't ready for me yet <3
Wednesday
So i got up super duper early and got the train and the bus to leeds I didnt think i was guna make it coz the bad weather delayed trains to Leeds but i got there without any problems surprisingly. Oh my mum came with me for "moral support" .
So yeh the assessment was with this young woman doctor/worker i cant for the life of me remember her name thats terrible isnt it?
She weighed me i ended up being 43kgs!!! FUCK where did 3kgs come from??? i hate them industrial scales they always make out im heavier than i am :''''( but i did keep my clothes on so max weight of the 1.5 kgs coz i wear a million layers but it still really upset me seeing that especially today i was just over 39kgs when i weighed myself this morning in my underwear so how does that work? (btw thats a genuine question if someone nos how to calibrate scales please let me know).
So yeh she asked me bwt my background and childhood, didnt tell her anything really even tho it was tough and full of dissapointment coz of him. Then we got onto eating n idk im used to ppl being shocked at how little i eat and how much control and shit i put myself thru but she didnt seem that phased by it. Ano i attention seek alot. I told her bwt some of my rules and just general stuff nothing as desperate as ive been i'm surprised normally i'm like a fountain or really defensive in these situations but idk i just didnt go into much detail really.
Shes guna send me the outcome of the assessment she thinks outpatients is best but i want IP but i really wanna do my a levels but yeh thats how it went.
Thanku Pretty desperate and Fluo for the suppport it means alot. Its so nice to think that some one cares and reads my blog <3 i tried to comment bk but my computer keeps crashing thats why i havent been on here much. Hope u guys are ok.
Over and out :)
xx
seeing my pain.
Monday i gets a call from YCED and they had a cancellation so i got my assessment yesterday at 10 :D
It was funny coz i juss text someone saying that i binged and purged and couldn't take this anymore *looking longingly at the knife drawer* when they rang. How amazing is that? Someone up there musta heard me and they aren't ready for me yet <3
Wednesday
So i got up super duper early and got the train and the bus to leeds I didnt think i was guna make it coz the bad weather delayed trains to Leeds but i got there without any problems surprisingly. Oh my mum came with me for "moral support" .
So yeh the assessment was with this young woman doctor/worker i cant for the life of me remember her name thats terrible isnt it?
She weighed me i ended up being 43kgs!!! FUCK where did 3kgs come from??? i hate them industrial scales they always make out im heavier than i am :''''( but i did keep my clothes on so max weight of the 1.5 kgs coz i wear a million layers but it still really upset me seeing that especially today i was just over 39kgs when i weighed myself this morning in my underwear so how does that work? (btw thats a genuine question if someone nos how to calibrate scales please let me know).
So yeh she asked me bwt my background and childhood, didnt tell her anything really even tho it was tough and full of dissapointment coz of him. Then we got onto eating n idk im used to ppl being shocked at how little i eat and how much control and shit i put myself thru but she didnt seem that phased by it. Ano i attention seek alot. I told her bwt some of my rules and just general stuff nothing as desperate as ive been i'm surprised normally i'm like a fountain or really defensive in these situations but idk i just didnt go into much detail really.
Shes guna send me the outcome of the assessment she thinks outpatients is best but i want IP but i really wanna do my a levels but yeh thats how it went.
Thanku Pretty desperate and Fluo for the suppport it means alot. Its so nice to think that some one cares and reads my blog <3 i tried to comment bk but my computer keeps crashing thats why i havent been on here much. Hope u guys are ok.
Over and out :)
xx
Saturday, 18 December 2010
so today i finally reached the impossible..
i am 40 kgs /88 lbs
bmi = 13.0
bmi = 13.0
This is me. Saturady 18th December 2010. My lowest weight.
Where to now???
I will line my coffin with skin and bones.I will be a feather in a basket. It's too late. No one can save me.
xx
Ignorance is your new best friend...
I might aswell be invisible. No one ever listens.No one ever cares. People just ignore me.
- On here
- pt/pa
- "friends"
- text
- mum
- sisters
- brother
- health professionals
- teachers
- the public
 |
| I am. |
P.S Remember to forget me ..yeh?
Friday, 17 December 2010
Go on and cry me a river...
Man i dont know where to start - im really really upset and have been crying since i got in. I'll tell u bout why i started crying first then back track. All I know is that i had to come and blog to release these emotions and words whizzing around my head.
I got home bwt 4 and a brown envelpoe was on the back of the sofa, finally my assessment app. from YCED had arrived. I ran upstairs to open it huddled next to the radiator i hadn't even taken my coat and scarf off. Before i opened it i wished my app. was b4 xmas. So steadily i opened the envelope. My heart sank and shattered i bet u could actually hear it. My app is on 13th Jan 2011! I cant wait that long i really cant. I'm amazed i've even waited this long i am literally at breaking point!. So i ran downstairs and rang them to see if i could get an earlier assessment. She said its probably the earliest and i started crying histerically on the phone. Why does no1 believe me when i say no one cares that im in this situation. All she could say was see your GP i was like she doesn't care.
So i rang the GP practice and Dr Thaver is gunna b on leave after mon i sent her a letter last mon to say i need emergency help and if she wanted to weigh me to make the nurse ring me but shes never replied or rang me so = not bothered that im begging her for help. So i've made an app. for Dr singh at 11 on tue i hope he listens but men tend to think its a diet blah blah but its not i need help i dont want to fuck up January exams i cant SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!
I just sat for 30 mins crying on my bedroom floor. I'm a wreck, a sniverling pathetic mess. ;''''(
My mums making dinner and i just want her to find me up here n try n help me i just want someone right now....
....
It was the last day of term the rock mime was funny then me and Zainab went to this cafe The georgian tea rooms its really posh, expensive and new. I didn't know what to have after me and Zainab picked apart the menu saying what was safe n not i got the rasberry n vanilla tea and a sultana scone bwt 200 cals max. and jam.
She had soup, lemonade and a cheesecake it took them ages to bring her her soup she was waiting 1 hour! i had to wait 20mins n when she said she didnt have sweetener i could have cried the tea was manky but the scone was ok. The cheesecake got stuck to a napkin coz they served it on one and so after bringing the cheesecake out b4 her soup it had stuck to the napkin so she got another one. I tell u it was shocking the service in that place. We got away with not paying for a few things coz the till is stupid and no one can work it. So i only paid £3 for my manky tea and Zainab paid £6.55 for her soup and lemonade. Never going back there. Then afterward i got this horrible pain in my stomach i thought i was gunna explode so i had to run to the toilet in frenchgate and u can probs gather what happened next so yeh i went home feeling absolutely ill, then i got stuck in traffic and when i get home i'm faced with no help till jan!
What a SHIT day!
I got home bwt 4 and a brown envelpoe was on the back of the sofa, finally my assessment app. from YCED had arrived. I ran upstairs to open it huddled next to the radiator i hadn't even taken my coat and scarf off. Before i opened it i wished my app. was b4 xmas. So steadily i opened the envelope. My heart sank and shattered i bet u could actually hear it. My app is on 13th Jan 2011! I cant wait that long i really cant. I'm amazed i've even waited this long i am literally at breaking point!. So i ran downstairs and rang them to see if i could get an earlier assessment. She said its probably the earliest and i started crying histerically on the phone. Why does no1 believe me when i say no one cares that im in this situation. All she could say was see your GP i was like she doesn't care.
So i rang the GP practice and Dr Thaver is gunna b on leave after mon i sent her a letter last mon to say i need emergency help and if she wanted to weigh me to make the nurse ring me but shes never replied or rang me so = not bothered that im begging her for help. So i've made an app. for Dr singh at 11 on tue i hope he listens but men tend to think its a diet blah blah but its not i need help i dont want to fuck up January exams i cant SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!
I just sat for 30 mins crying on my bedroom floor. I'm a wreck, a sniverling pathetic mess. ;''''(
My mums making dinner and i just want her to find me up here n try n help me i just want someone right now....
....
It was the last day of term the rock mime was funny then me and Zainab went to this cafe The georgian tea rooms its really posh, expensive and new. I didn't know what to have after me and Zainab picked apart the menu saying what was safe n not i got the rasberry n vanilla tea and a sultana scone bwt 200 cals max. and jam.
She had soup, lemonade and a cheesecake it took them ages to bring her her soup she was waiting 1 hour! i had to wait 20mins n when she said she didnt have sweetener i could have cried the tea was manky but the scone was ok. The cheesecake got stuck to a napkin coz they served it on one and so after bringing the cheesecake out b4 her soup it had stuck to the napkin so she got another one. I tell u it was shocking the service in that place. We got away with not paying for a few things coz the till is stupid and no one can work it. So i only paid £3 for my manky tea and Zainab paid £6.55 for her soup and lemonade. Never going back there. Then afterward i got this horrible pain in my stomach i thought i was gunna explode so i had to run to the toilet in frenchgate and u can probs gather what happened next so yeh i went home feeling absolutely ill, then i got stuck in traffic and when i get home i'm faced with no help till jan!
What a SHIT day!
Thursday, 16 December 2010
I am a pathetic, disgusting, vile human being!
It was presents giving today. I baked zainab some peanut butter flapjacks which btw i didn't even eat a crumb - i was strong. But she made me lemon drizzle cake. This cake is the most beautiful cake ever she makes it perfectly. So what does old fatso here do? eat it in the toilet in her free, on the bus and in my room like a repulsive creature doing something secretive and dirty. She spent her time and effort baking the cake for me and i repay her by stuffing my face and trying and failing to purge (i havent been able to do it ever since the overdose). How fucking disgusting am I that I'd do that?.
For punishment i did 400 sit ups. It's no where near enough to burn it all off so i still feel like shit. Worse of all ive only had a drink today so from the toothbrush rammed down my throat its really hurting. Thanks colgate!!
FML.
...
It's getting colder n i dont think i can cope i'm beginning to look like a hunchback and a bulky lady from the millions of layers. PPl keep telling me i look bulky :( = fat.
....
It's non- uniforn day tomorrow fuck nos what to wear all my clothes are skimpy haha that aint even a joke not in a slutty way tho dw in a funky kinda way if u get me like long socks /skirts/ leggings/t-shirt dresses/denim hotpants. That kinda thing.:)
...
In psychology we've been learning bout inplanted memories from psychologists and i really think thats what steve did to me. I wanna tell my teacher but 1) I dont think ill have time im going to this end of term show 2) It could be awkward 3) I'm not 100% sure he actually did, he did kinda but no like properly idk it's hard to explain without telling u what actually happened in therapy and my life story so yeh...
...
xx
For punishment i did 400 sit ups. It's no where near enough to burn it all off so i still feel like shit. Worse of all ive only had a drink today so from the toothbrush rammed down my throat its really hurting. Thanks colgate!!
FML.
...
It's getting colder n i dont think i can cope i'm beginning to look like a hunchback and a bulky lady from the millions of layers. PPl keep telling me i look bulky :( = fat.
....
It's non- uniforn day tomorrow fuck nos what to wear all my clothes are skimpy haha that aint even a joke not in a slutty way tho dw in a funky kinda way if u get me like long socks /skirts/ leggings/t-shirt dresses/denim hotpants. That kinda thing.:)
...
In psychology we've been learning bout inplanted memories from psychologists and i really think thats what steve did to me. I wanna tell my teacher but 1) I dont think ill have time im going to this end of term show 2) It could be awkward 3) I'm not 100% sure he actually did, he did kinda but no like properly idk it's hard to explain without telling u what actually happened in therapy and my life story so yeh...
...
 |
| For my own enjoyment ;) ope u likey haha |
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Avoid the obvious...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtmWa--bJqU
Can i have the wanted for xmas please santa?
thanks darling ur a star!!
xx
Can i have the wanted for xmas please santa?
thanks darling ur a star!!
xx
Monday, 13 December 2010
Sometimes you just need to pull yourself together...
...you have no option but to...
...you'll loose your dreams your ticket outta here...
...all because ur slightly underweight striving for something u will never become...
...is there a stop button coz i wanna get off k???
Ok so today i gots a call from YCED and my funding has got thru they'll send me out an app. on wed when they have there little meeting. That could be good and bad. I ope really really bad its b4 xmas.
Ive been really crap at eating these last days ive just gorged on sweets. I'm too scared to weigh myself i dnt wanna gain. I cant face the guilt of that aswell as the depression. It's too much you know? I am loosing all sanity and im loosing my grip on reality i need to do skwl work im behind i dont wanna get stressed from this. Ive already snapped today.
Greg is a tosser i hate him i really dont like him hanging round with us for the want of a better expression i wish he'd fuck off!!! Annoying Twat! arrrgh hes like an irritant i no thats harsh but he stresses me out sumat cronic.
I think today has been ok probs coz of all the sugar im nt that depressed but man theres alota talk bwt just giving up , starving, and dying i know i cnt talk but its like every1s giving in. I hope everyone pulls through ano its easier sed than done man i know that but take every day as it comes and never stop believing u can achieve ur dreams n u still dont "need" to be really thin or really fat. I hope ppl find a happy medium.
i dont know what im trying to say but yeh i hope things get better for u lovely ladies u mean the world to me!
xx
...you'll loose your dreams your ticket outta here...
...all because ur slightly underweight striving for something u will never become...
...is there a stop button coz i wanna get off k???
Ok so today i gots a call from YCED and my funding has got thru they'll send me out an app. on wed when they have there little meeting. That could be good and bad. I ope really really bad its b4 xmas.
Ive been really crap at eating these last days ive just gorged on sweets. I'm too scared to weigh myself i dnt wanna gain. I cant face the guilt of that aswell as the depression. It's too much you know? I am loosing all sanity and im loosing my grip on reality i need to do skwl work im behind i dont wanna get stressed from this. Ive already snapped today.
Greg is a tosser i hate him i really dont like him hanging round with us for the want of a better expression i wish he'd fuck off!!! Annoying Twat! arrrgh hes like an irritant i no thats harsh but he stresses me out sumat cronic.
I think today has been ok probs coz of all the sugar im nt that depressed but man theres alota talk bwt just giving up , starving, and dying i know i cnt talk but its like every1s giving in. I hope everyone pulls through ano its easier sed than done man i know that but take every day as it comes and never stop believing u can achieve ur dreams n u still dont "need" to be really thin or really fat. I hope ppl find a happy medium.
i dont know what im trying to say but yeh i hope things get better for u lovely ladies u mean the world to me!
xx
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard...
FAST today GONE tomorrow :')
BMI= 13.3
BMI= 13.3
I went christmas shopping today it was good taking my mind off things.
I couldn't get to sleep last night, kept waking up.
I got that feeling.
You know, you remember don't you?
That suicidal feeling.
It's tempting isn't it?
Why haven't you dissapeared yet? Why haven't you collapsed yet? Why are you on your period at your lowest weight?
You should go lower you don't look ill/thin enough to be worthy of the title of anorexia sufferer.
You are a fat failure.
 |
| I am. |
Friday, 10 December 2010
Time is laying heavy on my heart...
Okay, you've won.
I am 6 and a half stone /41kgs/91 pounds
BMI = 13.4
I've completely lost the will to live.
I've given up hope.
I'm never gunna get into YCED, funding was appenently agreed verbally but not written wtf!!! so its taken 3 weeks to write that down Mick Booth? I despise u. It's ok for u in your management job deciding who gets funding well what about me starving myself to death, trying desperately to hold on so that i can get help escape from the clutches of anorexia??
There is no recovery, recovery doesn't exist i'll never get out alive.
All because u can't confirm and write i've got funding how bloody selfish are u?!
I hate this world and some of the people in it.
I am failed by you, myself, the people around me who are suppose to care. Well why aren't you fucking caring, i bloody need u right now!
It's the first time in ages i've actually cried, i cannot cope with this anymore i need help, i need food, i need you!
...
Im fasting tomorrow im going xmas shopping and to a vintage fair oppourtunity to say i eat a pasty from cooplands ahh that old lie
Thanku for the previous posts comments and its nice to see 20 followers i am actually amazed anyone reads my whinging and whining.
xx
I am 6 and a half stone /41kgs/91 pounds
BMI = 13.4
I've completely lost the will to live.
I've given up hope.
I'm never gunna get into YCED, funding was appenently agreed verbally but not written wtf!!! so its taken 3 weeks to write that down Mick Booth? I despise u. It's ok for u in your management job deciding who gets funding well what about me starving myself to death, trying desperately to hold on so that i can get help escape from the clutches of anorexia??
There is no recovery, recovery doesn't exist i'll never get out alive.
All because u can't confirm and write i've got funding how bloody selfish are u?!
I hate this world and some of the people in it.
I am failed by you, myself, the people around me who are suppose to care. Well why aren't you fucking caring, i bloody need u right now!
It's the first time in ages i've actually cried, i cannot cope with this anymore i need help, i need food, i need you!
...
Im fasting tomorrow im going xmas shopping and to a vintage fair oppourtunity to say i eat a pasty from cooplands ahh that old lie
Thanku for the previous posts comments and its nice to see 20 followers i am actually amazed anyone reads my whinging and whining.
xx
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Nobody want to be nameless, aimless, shameless...
I got Dr Thaver involved see if she can get the ball rolling or just palm me some lie about paper work :S Jo never rang me bk after the msg i left on friday i rang her again n left another msg but n one cares.
Maybe if i were nicer someone would care...
Maybe if i were thinner someone would care...
Maybe if i collapsed on the street someone would care...
Maybe if i had the fucking guts to kill myself properly someone would care...
Maybe if i was prettier,smarter, more kind someone would care...
...I am a nobody whose existence is futile i wish i could give up my life so someone else could have a chance to live like a cancer sufferer or something wishing for a life when im wishing mine away.
WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE I AM
xx
Maybe if i were nicer someone would care...
Maybe if i were thinner someone would care...
Maybe if i collapsed on the street someone would care...
Maybe if i had the fucking guts to kill myself properly someone would care...
Maybe if i was prettier,smarter, more kind someone would care...
...I am a nobody whose existence is futile i wish i could give up my life so someone else could have a chance to live like a cancer sufferer or something wishing for a life when im wishing mine away.
WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE I AM
 |
| Yes they do! |
Sunday, 5 December 2010
The best £1.50 ive ever spent :)
The daily mail (mail on sunday) were giving out free Blondie Parallel lines LP :D shes the best i love Debbie Harry. I wish i was her shes the epitome of rock and roll.
xx
xx
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Friday, 3 December 2010
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
SHIT day,
Massive cba i came n the computer to do work on Othello but of course i wondered onto here. Idk why but i just feel so depressed like its come over me and consumed me.
...
I rang YCED again today they still haven't had confirmation of my funding :( its proper pissing me off, i just wanna get my assessment and go IP i dont want to be here. It's like i'm not living-there is no reality.
As dizzee rascal says "i get up just to go back to sleep" haha im actually quoting dizzee rascal lols
Anyways yeh its beyond hard i just want to go back to normal and the snow to fuck off and i wanna go out. I dont want to be stressed out wi skwl work, i want my fucking room to be finished and i want to not be me for just a day. ..
It's the first time ive actually thought about suicide seriously since that day.
I'm not coping i just want someone at leeds to just help me it takes years for anyone to actually do owt. It's like get ur fucking arse in gear n help me. I'm loosing here.
I want to be dead please!!!
xxx
- hot chocolate n toast=100cals
- 2 satsumas
- 2rivitas=100cals
- carrot
Massive cba i came n the computer to do work on Othello but of course i wondered onto here. Idk why but i just feel so depressed like its come over me and consumed me.
...
I rang YCED again today they still haven't had confirmation of my funding :( its proper pissing me off, i just wanna get my assessment and go IP i dont want to be here. It's like i'm not living-there is no reality.
As dizzee rascal says "i get up just to go back to sleep" haha im actually quoting dizzee rascal lols
Anyways yeh its beyond hard i just want to go back to normal and the snow to fuck off and i wanna go out. I dont want to be stressed out wi skwl work, i want my fucking room to be finished and i want to not be me for just a day. ..
It's the first time ive actually thought about suicide seriously since that day.
I'm not coping i just want someone at leeds to just help me it takes years for anyone to actually do owt. It's like get ur fucking arse in gear n help me. I'm loosing here.
I want to be dead please!!!
xxx
Thursday, 2 December 2010
All time love, nothing else is good enough
So this morning i was just a smidge over 42kgs :) but i wasn't that happy i need to be 40 40 god damn it!!!
-walking in snow carrying shopping
FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
So what did i do today i eat like a fat twat! thats what i did!
- Hot chocolate n an apple-75 cals
- Sultanas-50ish?
- 2 rivitas -90cals
- sweets- easily 650 :'(
-walking in snow carrying shopping
FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
This is soul destroying.
x
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Relapse, Rehab, Recovery
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
... I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road.
Eminem what a BABE!!
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
... I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road.
Eminem what a BABE!!
xx
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
You've got the blood on your hands...
 |
| Me |
I cut because i felt betrayed hurt emotionally and i just needed to self destruct abit. I havent cut this bad since idk i cnt remember its that long ago.
It felt relieving to hurt myself i needed to.
My thighs look really chunky do u agree?
Looking at this reminds me brings back the emotions, it never lets me forget how this is me now - a broken bloody mess striving for a number magic number 40. Acheiveable? Impossible is nothing.
This is the murky deceitful underworld i live in no one knows how much i hurt, physically and emotionally. Can you keep a secret? Englishrose is wilting, bleeding the pitiful life out of her. Just gunna stand there and watch me burn? Thats alright bcoz i LOVE the way i lie.
xx
Monday, 29 November 2010
I have 8 yes 8 layers on me n im STILL cold!
I sat in a traffic jam this morning for 1hr 30mins only to walk back home 30mins
FAIL :')
anyways day off school tried to do some work n i ended up on here :P tut tut ano but aww well
im pretty bored gots a couple of things 2 do but cnt bring myself to.
Walking home i felt a pang of hunger the 1st in several days n i thought shit ima gunna binge
well i did a little but not by my usual standards
im nt guna eat til 2moz now .
xx
I sat in a traffic jam this morning for 1hr 30mins only to walk back home 30mins
FAIL :')
anyways day off school tried to do some work n i ended up on here :P tut tut ano but aww well
im pretty bored gots a couple of things 2 do but cnt bring myself to.
Walking home i felt a pang of hunger the 1st in several days n i thought shit ima gunna binge
well i did a little but not by my usual standards
- 2 melba toasts w. jam
- several jelly babies bwt 300? idk
- celery soup bwt 80 cals w. 2 more melba toasts
- 2 crab sticks 30 cals
- several slices of beetroot 50/100 cals?
im nt guna eat til 2moz now .
xx
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Viciously she sleeps, walks along her lonely beat, she trips falls into it all...
I went to a vintage fair today :)
twas nice and i cudda spent a fortune!
I <3 alice takes a trip
but man i cant have everything
I think i have Raynauds disease
I got soo cold my hands n feet felt they were being stabbed a million times :(
My mum apologised n i feel abit better but it still hurt they way she betrayed me.
Oh this morning guess what :) im my lowest ive been in absolute ages!
5'9 @ 42kgs bmi=13.7 eek :D
2 more kgs too go i need to be 40 no stopping til then but then its a race to get to 6st 4 xmas
xx
Saturday, 27 November 2010
I am the loneliest girl in the world
I dont know where u are or even who u are but all i know is i really really need u right now
PLEASE SAVE ME! :'(
As my cuts multiply, as i fall deeper into this maddening world, i cannot bring myself to the surface drowning in my own misery.
I'm the lowest weight ive been for about a year having a bmi of 13.9 is euphoric yet i dnt think i am living.
I am JUST existing
xx
Thursday, 25 November 2010
I feel like shit
Thats beacuse I AM SHIT!
I hate my life
I hate this pretense
I hate myself
I hate my body
I hate my sister
I hate my brother
I hate my "dead" dad
I hate my mum
I hate greg
I Hate skwl
I HATE mrs Collinson
I hate loosing precious time
I hate it when ppl dont stick to a schedule
I hate steve
I hate riverdale
I hate Jo
I hate dr kelly
Im planning on dissapearing then they wont even have to see me as they ignore me anyway. I am nothing. people treat mt like i am worthless . They are right i am worthless
43kgs bmi14
I am one step closer to death
One step closer to freedom
One step closer to loosing all my ambitions and dreams of a future
One step closer being the nobody that fucks up their life just for the sheer hell and pleasure for destruction.
I will become an empty shell to mirror the emptiness of the person i once was.
xx
I hate my life
I hate this pretense
I hate myself
I hate my body
I hate my sister
I hate my brother
I hate my "dead" dad
I hate my mum
I hate greg
I Hate skwl
I HATE mrs Collinson
I hate loosing precious time
I hate it when ppl dont stick to a schedule
I hate steve
I hate riverdale
I hate Jo
I hate dr kelly
Im planning on dissapearing then they wont even have to see me as they ignore me anyway. I am nothing. people treat mt like i am worthless . They are right i am worthless
43kgs bmi14
I am one step closer to death
One step closer to freedom
One step closer to loosing all my ambitions and dreams of a future
One step closer being the nobody that fucks up their life just for the sheer hell and pleasure for destruction.
I will become an empty shell to mirror the emptiness of the person i once was.
xx
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
I want to hibernate!
I'm so freaking coooooolllllllllllllllldddddd!!!!!
i have two hot waterbottles, the fire on, 3 layers on including thermals annd im in bed at half three n im still shivering.
I rang jo (dr Kellys secretary) and she sed that some Mick Booth has to discuss my case or summat ? I was like ive already got funding havent i? she is the most useless secretary there is on the planet. Argh ive waited 6months for IP and quite frankly its ridiculous. Im gunna ring old Mick boy n ask him what the crack is . If hes gunna deny me my IP
FML
Argh do u no what im so annoyed im soo irratable atm im stressed at skwl were still behind at skwl my mum keeps asking what do i want for dinner when she knows im not eating dinners atm i just wanna either cut/suicide/fast til i pass out!
heard that b4? yeh coz im always bullshitting mi arse off
oh n greg keeps doing my hed in always questionning what i say i know hes heard me but he'll say something like aww i thought u sed this blah blah im like stop being stupid ffs! tosser
i ve eat quite alot today Half a bagel mug of horlicks peacan pie-Zainab made it sweets and some beetroot that sounds disgusting + a weird combo lol
idk im just really anxious atm i dunno wat to do with myself
my computer just crashed so i jst spoke 2 mick n he was the most arse ole condescending man ever! he was like the funding is agreed in principal its just whether the trust is going to be able to finace this Ip with the YCED Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders
WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! he sed ill ring up Jo on fri afternoon to confirm the outcome
some people do my nut in
wow i soo need anger management im gunna flip in a min
i have two hot waterbottles, the fire on, 3 layers on including thermals annd im in bed at half three n im still shivering.
I rang jo (dr Kellys secretary) and she sed that some Mick Booth has to discuss my case or summat ? I was like ive already got funding havent i? she is the most useless secretary there is on the planet. Argh ive waited 6months for IP and quite frankly its ridiculous. Im gunna ring old Mick boy n ask him what the crack is . If hes gunna deny me my IP
FML
Argh do u no what im so annoyed im soo irratable atm im stressed at skwl were still behind at skwl my mum keeps asking what do i want for dinner when she knows im not eating dinners atm i just wanna either cut/suicide/fast til i pass out!
heard that b4? yeh coz im always bullshitting mi arse off
oh n greg keeps doing my hed in always questionning what i say i know hes heard me but he'll say something like aww i thought u sed this blah blah im like stop being stupid ffs! tosser
i ve eat quite alot today Half a bagel mug of horlicks peacan pie-Zainab made it sweets and some beetroot that sounds disgusting + a weird combo lol
idk im just really anxious atm i dunno wat to do with myself
my computer just crashed so i jst spoke 2 mick n he was the most arse ole condescending man ever! he was like the funding is agreed in principal its just whether the trust is going to be able to finace this Ip with the YCED Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders
WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! he sed ill ring up Jo on fri afternoon to confirm the outcome
some people do my nut in
wow i soo need anger management im gunna flip in a min
Monday, 22 November 2010
dont u just love people?
*trying on gorgeous wedged black fur pixie boots in HnM*
woman: "you'll look good in anything with that figure"
Me: (blushing) "thanks"
Woman:"i love ur jacket isn't it beautiful did u get this from here?"
Me; "no Next, thanks"
Woman:"what about ur top wheres tthat from"
Me:(i wore a blouse-school one n i had this big cream bow broach like a bow tie pinned to it i think she thought it was a top) Topshop
Woman: "awhh" *sigh* looks at me in the mirror walks off
i love ppl like that a complement goes along way it defo cheered me up so thank u HnM woman ur a darling<3
...
Someone spoiled my mood tho on the bus this fat woman wi a trolley sat nxt to me well sat on my bag and kept moving on my bag >:( n she was eating chocolate i was like u get that anywhere near me lady ill bee kung fu kicky youu!! :P
haha
xx
woman: "you'll look good in anything with that figure"
Me: (blushing) "thanks"
Woman:"i love ur jacket isn't it beautiful did u get this from here?"
Me; "no Next, thanks"
Woman:"what about ur top wheres tthat from"
Me:(i wore a blouse-school one n i had this big cream bow broach like a bow tie pinned to it i think she thought it was a top) Topshop
Woman: "awhh" *sigh* looks at me in the mirror walks off
i love ppl like that a complement goes along way it defo cheered me up so thank u HnM woman ur a darling<3
...
Someone spoiled my mood tho on the bus this fat woman wi a trolley sat nxt to me well sat on my bag and kept moving on my bag >:( n she was eating chocolate i was like u get that anywhere near me lady ill bee kung fu kicky youu!! :P
haha
xx
Sunday, 21 November 2010
All dreams come to an end?
I've had this crazy dream ever since i was young that i wanted to be a model. I no im not pretty or beautiful but i have this weird look and the most successful models are the ones that are photogenic and have a unique look. People have always said to me you could be a model with your long legs and quirky style. Last spring i actually got into a modelling agency and ive been stopped on the street n asked to model. Deep down ive always thought tho im ugly and i've got Fat engraved in my arm which is on the left of the screen plus i'm not exactly thin :(.
I was reading the paper and it was advertising Britains next top model at Manchester (the closest one to me) on wed i really wanna go but ive got school n its the most important year of my life plus i dnt think i can handle the rejection :s But theres something wanting me to go.
Im gunna post a few pics of me modelling for my school work i made the outfit for my Extended project and i got an a* for it. :) Please if any1 reads this tell me what u think i should do and be honest what u think of me.
Im hideous ano.
Fail..*Sigh*
Its just a paper dream :(
xx
I was reading the paper and it was advertising Britains next top model at Manchester (the closest one to me) on wed i really wanna go but ive got school n its the most important year of my life plus i dnt think i can handle the rejection :s But theres something wanting me to go.
Im gunna post a few pics of me modelling for my school work i made the outfit for my Extended project and i got an a* for it. :) Please if any1 reads this tell me what u think i should do and be honest what u think of me.
Fail..*Sigh*
Its just a paper dream :(
xx
Saturday, 20 November 2010
BMI 14.4 :D
I said to my mum have u shrunk coz im really tall next to u? *she gets tape measure out*
Turns out im a half cm off 5'9 so bloody hell im gunna say 5'9 ! woop so that makes my bmi lower ive grown bwt 5 cm in a year loving this growth spurt so i calulated my bmi
5'9 and im 44kgs/97 pounds so my bmi is 14.4 its crazy and i can't believe it :)
...
x
Turns out im a half cm off 5'9 so bloody hell im gunna say 5'9 ! woop so that makes my bmi lower ive grown bwt 5 cm in a year loving this growth spurt so i calulated my bmi
5'9 and im 44kgs/97 pounds so my bmi is 14.4 its crazy and i can't believe it :)
...
x
Friday, 19 November 2010
SHIT,FUCK,BOLLOCKS!!!! Greg Knows :s
Greg saw me walking home from school today (it like a 7/8mile walk home on really busy roads).
He text me saying "why u walking home u crazy girl" i was like "i do it every fri i like the excersise" n he just sed "just get the bus u insane girl". So i texted him back saying "its wat anorexia has done to me and that i didnt mind walking". - He never texted after that. I think he already knows bwt my ed but i think hes gunna tell everybody u no like in a half jokey/mocking/sarcastic/shocked kind of way. I dnt want any1 to know that i do it im already ashamed of this illness i dnt want ppl to think i walk home coz im crazy. Well its half true i am fucking crazy i was sooo cold my fingers started to get stabbing pains in i nearly got run over and i got beeped like 10 times.
Fuck i just wanna be able to walk home with no judgement i need to find another way to walk home :/ ?
FUCK i knew sum1 wud find out one day but idk im not proud of it but i just dont like being disturbed in my rituals.
He text me saying "why u walking home u crazy girl" i was like "i do it every fri i like the excersise" n he just sed "just get the bus u insane girl". So i texted him back saying "its wat anorexia has done to me and that i didnt mind walking". - He never texted after that. I think he already knows bwt my ed but i think hes gunna tell everybody u no like in a half jokey/mocking/sarcastic/shocked kind of way. I dnt want any1 to know that i do it im already ashamed of this illness i dnt want ppl to think i walk home coz im crazy. Well its half true i am fucking crazy i was sooo cold my fingers started to get stabbing pains in i nearly got run over and i got beeped like 10 times.
Fuck i just wanna be able to walk home with no judgement i need to find another way to walk home :/ ?
FUCK i knew sum1 wud find out one day but idk im not proud of it but i just dont like being disturbed in my rituals.
Thursday, 18 November 2010
Enterprise day= day off :P
Well today is suppose to be this crappy enterprise day where the younger years have to make something and sell it in the afternoon and us the sixth form have to help them or do some bullshit. Every1 i think has decided to bake something so i was like hell no im not helping to make food with teenagers!
I'm quite pissed off with school tbh were so far behind in school its a joke were never gunna cover the syllabus b4 xmas and im getting stressed out about it. Teachers just keep finishing early or saying too much in class so we dont cover the content quick enough its starting to really annoy me. Especially coz i have this weird thing about time and punctuality. I flip out if things aren't done on time or ppl/things are late. Words cant describe how frustrated i get. Anyway they decide to have this enterprise day when were behind pfft. So today hopefully when ive finished replying to every1 on the web ill get some work done :P believe me this is more fun im kinda putting it off haha even tho ive just whinged about it .
I got an offer from uni yest i was so nervous logging onto track my god i thought it was a rejection but the university of east london wants me woop woop i think it might be a first choice but ill have to wait to see the other decisions from the others b4 i make my decisions tho. God im shitting it i dnt think i can decide which to go to. :/
Anyway the scales this morning said just under 45kgs. D: Ive been thinking and i really want to be 6st by xmas this iff i achieve it (haha) will be my ultimate lowest but i really want something to work towards i want to be in control again. I want to stop the bullshitting and be anorexic again. I just need to. On the news this morning i saw this article on if ur parents diet ur more likely to have an ED which shocked me a liitle idk but i just dont think that EDs work like that idk maybe its a kind of manifestation of things. Either way its painful to hear.
So i checked on the bbc news website to find the news story n more depth but i cnt find it but i did stumble across this.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/headroom/emotional_health/eating_disorders.shtml they have links to all different Ed things so check it out i ur interested. Theres a couple of vid clips they were really weird tbh with the want of a better word. They had this woman i think she was called Alex and she suffered from Anorexia she looked really normal and her life seemed quite straight forward normal like you would of never guessed her past. I just don't see myself as getting to that stage or even wanting to. I want to be thin i dnt think i want to recover and it not be a part of me coz its all i know. Idk god it so hard to explain.
xx
I'm quite pissed off with school tbh were so far behind in school its a joke were never gunna cover the syllabus b4 xmas and im getting stressed out about it. Teachers just keep finishing early or saying too much in class so we dont cover the content quick enough its starting to really annoy me. Especially coz i have this weird thing about time and punctuality. I flip out if things aren't done on time or ppl/things are late. Words cant describe how frustrated i get. Anyway they decide to have this enterprise day when were behind pfft. So today hopefully when ive finished replying to every1 on the web ill get some work done :P believe me this is more fun im kinda putting it off haha even tho ive just whinged about it .
I got an offer from uni yest i was so nervous logging onto track my god i thought it was a rejection but the university of east london wants me woop woop i think it might be a first choice but ill have to wait to see the other decisions from the others b4 i make my decisions tho. God im shitting it i dnt think i can decide which to go to. :/
Anyway the scales this morning said just under 45kgs. D: Ive been thinking and i really want to be 6st by xmas this iff i achieve it (haha) will be my ultimate lowest but i really want something to work towards i want to be in control again. I want to stop the bullshitting and be anorexic again. I just need to. On the news this morning i saw this article on if ur parents diet ur more likely to have an ED which shocked me a liitle idk but i just dont think that EDs work like that idk maybe its a kind of manifestation of things. Either way its painful to hear.
So i checked on the bbc news website to find the news story n more depth but i cnt find it but i did stumble across this.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/headroom/emotional_health/eating_disorders.shtml they have links to all different Ed things so check it out i ur interested. Theres a couple of vid clips they were really weird tbh with the want of a better word. They had this woman i think she was called Alex and she suffered from Anorexia she looked really normal and her life seemed quite straight forward normal like you would of never guessed her past. I just don't see myself as getting to that stage or even wanting to. I want to be thin i dnt think i want to recover and it not be a part of me coz its all i know. Idk god it so hard to explain.
xx
From PT
Id like to be hungry, Id like to be starving, Id like to be bones, Id like to vanish.Starvation is the noose I willingly hang myself with.that said; Ive got a long way to go. Good thing I like to savor my suffering.
...This beautifully sums things up. i love it
...This beautifully sums things up. i love it
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
bad day
Pathetic, i reallly am. I want to rip off the skin on my body disect everything off me muscle, fat skin, blood, tissue. Just to be left with pure skin and bones. <3
I'm gunna look up body disorders i think i have one or just serious fucked up body image.
Zainab said to me today "i think the reason behind your depression is not anorexia but your dad". I don't know whether this is true or not i dont want it to be true coz hes a fucking arse hole. But what if he is? What if it is unresolved childhood conflict as Freud suggests? i dont know what makes me this sad. I dont know if i really want to know. I know though that (even though this probably doesnt make sense) it completes me it is what defines me as a person it is my personality me=these illnessess whatever ppl want to define them as. :/
We met Katy after school we went to costa and i binged. I think its coz im on my period and i have no motivation at the moment i'm alright for one day then the other im back binging. I AM NOT GOING TO START THE FAST/BINGE CYCLE AGAIN!
i just wanna be thin but i dont want the stuggle of getting there but i crave it sooo much.
Its just one of them crappy inbetween days.
*sigh*
I'm gunna look up body disorders i think i have one or just serious fucked up body image.
Zainab said to me today "i think the reason behind your depression is not anorexia but your dad". I don't know whether this is true or not i dont want it to be true coz hes a fucking arse hole. But what if he is? What if it is unresolved childhood conflict as Freud suggests? i dont know what makes me this sad. I dont know if i really want to know. I know though that (even though this probably doesnt make sense) it completes me it is what defines me as a person it is my personality me=these illnessess whatever ppl want to define them as. :/
We met Katy after school we went to costa and i binged. I think its coz im on my period and i have no motivation at the moment i'm alright for one day then the other im back binging. I AM NOT GOING TO START THE FAST/BINGE CYCLE AGAIN!
i just wanna be thin but i dont want the stuggle of getting there but i crave it sooo much.
Its just one of them crappy inbetween days.
*sigh*
Monday, 15 November 2010
I've just seen the coca-cola advert on TV its offically Xmas!!
I'm just sipping my diet coke now 4 for £1 :P
I have this obsession that i have to go into shops like wherever and whenever i'm walking to check the food in there to analyse the calorie content and to generally stare at food lol. Anyway it's weird and i hate it it's like a magnet drawing me in. I hate this obsession with food.
I've binged on pringles aswell the tube just dissapeared! :( urgh i need to chop my scrawny fingers off!! I'm such a twat.
Anyway another argument 4 me being weird is that me n zainab joined the Astronomy club last week. We went agin today its so embrassing, but we got the telescopes out and i saw the moon it was so so beautiful. It looked like u no them bath bombs u get from lush well it was bubbly and createred. I would love to walk on the moon.
I have no idea where this post is going so im gunna hopefully catch up on hollyoaks on 4od or something.
Does any1 watch misfits??
xx
I have this obsession that i have to go into shops like wherever and whenever i'm walking to check the food in there to analyse the calorie content and to generally stare at food lol. Anyway it's weird and i hate it it's like a magnet drawing me in. I hate this obsession with food.
I've binged on pringles aswell the tube just dissapeared! :( urgh i need to chop my scrawny fingers off!! I'm such a twat.
Anyway another argument 4 me being weird is that me n zainab joined the Astronomy club last week. We went agin today its so embrassing, but we got the telescopes out and i saw the moon it was so so beautiful. It looked like u no them bath bombs u get from lush well it was bubbly and createred. I would love to walk on the moon.
I have no idea where this post is going so im gunna hopefully catch up on hollyoaks on 4od or something.
Does any1 watch misfits??
xx
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Saturday, 13 November 2010
I have a face for the radio
An old fave..
You have a face for the radio,
But I know you'd like to see it in a show,
Claiming to be the next best everything,
Which way will you go?
But I know you'd like to see it in a show,
Claiming to be the next best everything,
Which way will you go?
You're a little smarter than most of us,
You run so fast sometimes it's hard to see you for dust,
Finding some time for you, it tortures me,
Which way will you go?
You run so fast sometimes it's hard to see you for dust,
Finding some time for you, it tortures me,
Which way will you go?
Wages on a Friday,
Spent on a Saturday,
Lend me a fiver,
Won't do that again,
Oh your trust is not to strong.
Spent on a Saturday,
Lend me a fiver,
Won't do that again,
Oh your trust is not to strong.
Your arrogance in a bag,
Won't spare you a fag,
Superstar wannabe,
Says it comes naturally,
Cemented in your own feeble way,
Won't spare you a fag,
Superstar wannabe,
Says it comes naturally,
Cemented in your own feeble way,
He watches trainspotting, fifteen times a week,
Thinking it's making him oh so unique,
PC on summer nights and football in the rain,
Doesn't matter how far he is,
He always has money for the train,
Thinking it's making him oh so unique,
PC on summer nights and football in the rain,
Doesn't matter how far he is,
He always has money for the train,
Nothing against you, love in my heart,
You're really a nice lad, I've known it from the start,
Your conscience in eager, to know where you lie,
Pushing your limits, give it up and remember you can cry.
You're really a nice lad, I've known it from the start,
Your conscience in eager, to know where you lie,
Pushing your limits, give it up and remember you can cry.
Wages on a Friday,
Spent on a Saturday,
Lend me a tenner,
Won't do that again,
Oh your trust is not to strong.
Spent on a Saturday,
Lend me a tenner,
Won't do that again,
Oh your trust is not to strong.
You're arrogance in a bag,
Won't spare you a fag,
Superstar wannabe,
Says it comes naturally,
In your own feeble way.
Won't spare you a fag,
Superstar wannabe,
Says it comes naturally,
In your own feeble way.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Just watched have i got news for you and they were mocking how the Queen has facebook. What has the world become?
"This pathetic addiction to letting it all out online." is a quote i live by ever since i made a board full of my problems at Riverdale.
This got me thinking how crap it must be to be the Queen. She can never have lazy days like Sundays she cant just put on her sweats and just doss. She's never able to just cook watever she wants. She can never be ratarsed. She is missing out on all the good things in life? haha or Is it that she enjoys her status and doesn't know a life without royalty so she doesn't mind not being "normal"?
I just want to talk to her yno? haha just to ask her plus i wanna hug her like a grandma hug. :P
...
Anyway i'm on the computer coz i had a nap at 6 and woke up bwt 8. :P Damn unipolar depression/aneamia. I'm not tired yet but i feel really sick. It just reminds me of how ill i was at the weekend. I wanna do something at the weekend. I dont think i'm guna go to the training day i've left it too late and i couldn't make my mind up what to do. Maybe i don't think i'm ready yet yno?
Ive been binging well eating more than whats "allowed". I need to loose weight coz next week is bound to be the assessment for Seacroft so i dont want them to reject me for being too big to be classed as anorexic. Need to start loosing scales said 45kg so its not good i think its that time of the month so i wanna delay if i can but i seem to just eat and eat around the time just so i can have one. Pft i hate them.
Anyway tomorrow
GOt TO GOT TO LOOSE!!!!
xx
"This pathetic addiction to letting it all out online." is a quote i live by ever since i made a board full of my problems at Riverdale.
This got me thinking how crap it must be to be the Queen. She can never have lazy days like Sundays she cant just put on her sweats and just doss. She's never able to just cook watever she wants. She can never be ratarsed. She is missing out on all the good things in life? haha or Is it that she enjoys her status and doesn't know a life without royalty so she doesn't mind not being "normal"?
I just want to talk to her yno? haha just to ask her plus i wanna hug her like a grandma hug. :P
...
Anyway i'm on the computer coz i had a nap at 6 and woke up bwt 8. :P Damn unipolar depression/aneamia. I'm not tired yet but i feel really sick. It just reminds me of how ill i was at the weekend. I wanna do something at the weekend. I dont think i'm guna go to the training day i've left it too late and i couldn't make my mind up what to do. Maybe i don't think i'm ready yet yno?
Ive been binging well eating more than whats "allowed". I need to loose weight coz next week is bound to be the assessment for Seacroft so i dont want them to reject me for being too big to be classed as anorexic. Need to start loosing scales said 45kg so its not good i think its that time of the month so i wanna delay if i can but i seem to just eat and eat around the time just so i can have one. Pft i hate them.
Anyway tomorrow
- 2 melba toast
- 1 n a half pitta with pepper.
- Low cal hot choc and a yogurt break
GOt TO GOT TO LOOSE!!!!
xx
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Am I a hypocrite?
maybe thats not the right word but pretending to be something im not...
Right i wanna go to this BEAT (eating disorders awareness charity) traning day to become an ambassoador. Its something that people can do to get training in order to deliever presentations to health professionals, schools , youth clubs etc to promote wellbeing and that eating disorders can be recovered from.
But there are problems..
:S
Help please.
xx
Right i wanna go to this BEAT (eating disorders awareness charity) traning day to become an ambassoador. Its something that people can do to get training in order to deliever presentations to health professionals, schools , youth clubs etc to promote wellbeing and that eating disorders can be recovered from.
But there are problems..
- I'm not recovered no where near it i'm about to go to a clinic i think :S
- It's in ldn i'm up north
- I dunno wat to say to my mum she probs wont let me go seen as last Saturday everything happened.
:S
Help please.
xx
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
Suicide
So
I think im gunna come out and say it its my blog so here goes...
K so it went sorta like this
I lost control of my illnesses, myself , my life and my sanity.
I tried committing suicide on the 2 year anniversary of the 1st time if anniversary is the right word?
6th November 2008, 6th November 2010
Anorexia is not a best friend,
its like a choke hold on your life detroying ur body, mind and soul.
I couldn't cope anymore living without any hope.
Hope is the only love of life
If we aint got hope whats left?
The sad misery that we are doomed forever??
Like i said b4 in the words of Paul Smith I can't live my life feeling nervous about tomorrow
I wanted to take my life because it felt right no crying for help just bowing out graciously
right?
Wrong despite my best efforts i didnt win/loose this battle
i fight on, i "stay strong" to hope
me and thee need to reconcile
It made me realise that despite how low i was feeling its not the way out
the only way out i to live
until 3rd time lucky???
xx
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Sometimes a strong person knows how to let go
Me being not one of them.
I used to be such a different person i am a shadow of her in fact i dont deserve to even call myself that.
Today has really really dragged i sat in psychology watchin a documentary on Stephen Fry being a manic depressant and it was so so upsetting i could believe that when they were saying some of the stuff like how they felt in the depressed episode exactly descibed me. He interviewed famous ppl who have the disorder and this person who i think was the Queens guard or something like that felt so low he escaped from a mental institution to throw himself in front of an articulated lorry. His legs had to be rebuilt and he showed them and it was the most awful injuries I have ever seen. Then Stephen asked him if he would change being bipolar ? He sed no because the highs were unbelieveable despite having to endure the lows they were worthwhile to experience.
I mean how couragous is that?
Hes such an amazing person, i just thought what the fuck am i doing? Wishing my life away being depressed like 99% of the time. Moaning on here.
It's made me realise I dont belong here not in this world when ppl like that should be living not me.
Zainab said I look really ill today and i looked like i was guna pass out. My answer i know, i'm really tired. She knows, she can read me like a book i'm hurting inside so much she feels my pain. Thats why i love her so much believe me without her my life is worthless i'd be dead way before now.
The scales dropped to just under 45kgs today im getting closer but i need to loose more. Im not ready to let go yet its/im not finished yet. I am not strong enough to let go of the illnessess that are keeping me alive///killing my existance.
xx
I used to be such a different person i am a shadow of her in fact i dont deserve to even call myself that.
Today has really really dragged i sat in psychology watchin a documentary on Stephen Fry being a manic depressant and it was so so upsetting i could believe that when they were saying some of the stuff like how they felt in the depressed episode exactly descibed me. He interviewed famous ppl who have the disorder and this person who i think was the Queens guard or something like that felt so low he escaped from a mental institution to throw himself in front of an articulated lorry. His legs had to be rebuilt and he showed them and it was the most awful injuries I have ever seen. Then Stephen asked him if he would change being bipolar ? He sed no because the highs were unbelieveable despite having to endure the lows they were worthwhile to experience.
I mean how couragous is that?
Hes such an amazing person, i just thought what the fuck am i doing? Wishing my life away being depressed like 99% of the time. Moaning on here.
It's made me realise I dont belong here not in this world when ppl like that should be living not me.
Zainab said I look really ill today and i looked like i was guna pass out. My answer i know, i'm really tired. She knows, she can read me like a book i'm hurting inside so much she feels my pain. Thats why i love her so much believe me without her my life is worthless i'd be dead way before now.
The scales dropped to just under 45kgs today im getting closer but i need to loose more. Im not ready to let go yet its/im not finished yet. I am not strong enough to let go of the illnessess that are keeping me alive///killing my existance.
xx
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Epic Fail!
Well i went to sleep after the post and from bwt 4/5 ish i feel asleep until 10 !!! after the mammoth sleep the hunger pangs kicked in and then i kept tossing and turning i even watched the zone on ITV with QVC cooking utensils specials so they had to demonstrate the items they were selling so they were cooking allsorts. TBH it was kinda like food porn haha
Anyway i finally gets back to sleep at 3 then woke up at 7 n i feel so weak and exhausted still. But i managed a full day fast and i lost bwt 1kg + maybe a bit but...
At about 1200 hours i feel like i was gunna pass out and i opened the sweets im an idiot ano and i am such a twat, fat bastard, arseole im so angry and really shaky coz of the massive sugar rush. But thats life for you theres full of weak oxygen thiefs like me!!!
I think ive made my mind up tho- i cnt cope anymore and 6/11/10 will be the day i commit suicide properly.
So i need to loose as much weight til then mums gunna make me eat tday especially coz i didnt eat yest, its parents evening and im going dancing afterwards. i have 2 options thus are as follows..
im so depressed get me out of here!
xx
Anyway i finally gets back to sleep at 3 then woke up at 7 n i feel so weak and exhausted still. But i managed a full day fast and i lost bwt 1kg + maybe a bit but...
At about 1200 hours i feel like i was gunna pass out and i opened the sweets im an idiot ano and i am such a twat, fat bastard, arseole im so angry and really shaky coz of the massive sugar rush. But thats life for you theres full of weak oxygen thiefs like me!!!
I think ive made my mind up tho- i cnt cope anymore and 6/11/10 will be the day i commit suicide properly.
So i need to loose as much weight til then mums gunna make me eat tday especially coz i didnt eat yest, its parents evening and im going dancing afterwards. i have 2 options thus are as follows..
- Make something i.e a sandwich and stash the cunt
- Pretend to make something and just eat a celery heart that tbh needs eating up O.o.D but then thats extra cals.
im so depressed get me out of here!
xx
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Next time? THERE WILL BE NO NEXT TIME!!!
Ive planned i wont eat until sun (set up to fail)??
saturday is 2 years ago i tried to end it 6/11/08 looking back it was a cry for help but now i wish id took more and done it properly
i dont want to eat until they take me 2 hospital
i dont want to ever put food in my mouth again i cant cope with it
i bought diet coke and sweets i cudnt resist it
i found my all time favourite sweets today the pic below yes i am that sad i took a pic :L
Anyway after buying these i saw 3! really skinny anoreixic girls n i was like who the fuck am i to buy sweets ?
i hate myself i just wish i didnt have to eat my mums gunna make me eat 2nite i can feel it
ive lasted all day without owt i wanna do my fast
FML indeedy
i hate skwl i got back today and it makes me depressed i hate hate hate it!!
I rang Jo Dr Kellys secretary and she says that Hes requested for me to have funding out of area but that was whats gunna appen anyway so argh why doesn't any1 do what was proposed im not goin bk to riverdale the can fuck off!! i hate that god damn place i never wanna c steve again
a bastard is what he is .
Anyway i need to do my ucas i dnt wanna apply ill never get in :( i just wanna go to sleep n never wake up
oh nice to c new followers :)
xx
saturday is 2 years ago i tried to end it 6/11/08 looking back it was a cry for help but now i wish id took more and done it properly
i dont want to eat until they take me 2 hospital
i dont want to ever put food in my mouth again i cant cope with it
i bought diet coke and sweets i cudnt resist it
i found my all time favourite sweets today the pic below yes i am that sad i took a pic :L
i hate myself i just wish i didnt have to eat my mums gunna make me eat 2nite i can feel it
ive lasted all day without owt i wanna do my fast
FML indeedy
i hate skwl i got back today and it makes me depressed i hate hate hate it!!
I rang Jo Dr Kellys secretary and she says that Hes requested for me to have funding out of area but that was whats gunna appen anyway so argh why doesn't any1 do what was proposed im not goin bk to riverdale the can fuck off!! i hate that god damn place i never wanna c steve again
a bastard is what he is .
Anyway i need to do my ucas i dnt wanna apply ill never get in :( i just wanna go to sleep n never wake up
oh nice to c new followers :)
xx
Monday, 1 November 2010
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Everybody wants to bee a cat!
URGH!
Man i feel rooooooough!
I was drinking vodka shots not good
well last night verdict?
A bit pants - Helen's got this 17 yr old following her hes called jake n ov course we ad 2 meet him didnt we outside burger jims so he spent the whole night with us wtf?! i was so annoyed n yeh it gets better coz he dunt bring out any id wi him does he what a complete arsemunch!
So helen had to all night ask ppl 4 id to get him in everywhere which obv no 1 wud it ruined my eveing coz after we paid £6 pound 2 get into priory it wo shockingly bad i went to the toilet n he started kissing her! OMG as if he did then he like kept on trying to talk to me wen helen went to get gareth n he kept tryin to warm me up but i wo like fuck off god sake ur bwt 2 u no?
Then went to walkabout which every1 gets id so he didnt get in then he starts making helen feel bad saying hes cold outside but wat a cock as if u come out wi out id n just tag onto us to make our nite shit n i paid £10 for me n helen to get in 4 bloody nothing i tried to smuggle her n him bk in through fire exit but i got caught :P lol
but as if right i got into walkabout wi some good looking ppl in it n i leave after 10 mins probs what a fucking joke
he also spent his money so he cudnt get ome so he had to sleep at helens ! cheek
sorry rant over!
tbh after writing all that it wasnt a good nite at all im really angry
n i feel like shit! Ive had 2 slices of toast this morn aswell which is making me feel guilty
plus im at a plateau of 45kg i need to loose 5 but i av no idea how i dnt think ill even loose any even if i do a fast
bollocks bumole wanker hha im still abit drunk u no well a bit light headed
Lessons learned;
man oneself is a mess
xx
Man i feel rooooooough!
I was drinking vodka shots not good
well last night verdict?
A bit pants - Helen's got this 17 yr old following her hes called jake n ov course we ad 2 meet him didnt we outside burger jims so he spent the whole night with us wtf?! i was so annoyed n yeh it gets better coz he dunt bring out any id wi him does he what a complete arsemunch!
So helen had to all night ask ppl 4 id to get him in everywhere which obv no 1 wud it ruined my eveing coz after we paid £6 pound 2 get into priory it wo shockingly bad i went to the toilet n he started kissing her! OMG as if he did then he like kept on trying to talk to me wen helen went to get gareth n he kept tryin to warm me up but i wo like fuck off god sake ur bwt 2 u no?
Then went to walkabout which every1 gets id so he didnt get in then he starts making helen feel bad saying hes cold outside but wat a cock as if u come out wi out id n just tag onto us to make our nite shit n i paid £10 for me n helen to get in 4 bloody nothing i tried to smuggle her n him bk in through fire exit but i got caught :P lol
but as if right i got into walkabout wi some good looking ppl in it n i leave after 10 mins probs what a fucking joke
he also spent his money so he cudnt get ome so he had to sleep at helens ! cheek
sorry rant over!
tbh after writing all that it wasnt a good nite at all im really angry
n i feel like shit! Ive had 2 slices of toast this morn aswell which is making me feel guilty
plus im at a plateau of 45kg i need to loose 5 but i av no idea how i dnt think ill even loose any even if i do a fast
bollocks bumole wanker hha im still abit drunk u no well a bit light headed
Lessons learned;
- Dont go priory
- dont get too drunk so i lay on a pool table
- be unique every1 wo cats :(
- start to drink water after the night my mouth is disgusting so ...furry haha
man oneself is a mess
xx
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Life is SHIT!
I dont think ive felt this depressed since the days where it all started 2 years ago. 2 Years ago i cant believe ive been this sad for soo long. How little progress ive made but experienced so much love,loss and desperation. The New York trip has really really got to me i keep thinking how i should be in new york right now and how im stuck here in this shitty town, doing the shitty same old routine with the same shitty ppl. Me still whinging on how crap and miserable my life is. I'm sinking back into my old ways hiding in my room, crying all the time, being physically respulsed everytime i walk past a mirror, self harming, exercising, restricting, and hating my life. I've even got Riverdale ringing wanting me to go 4 an assessment again! How do i get myself into this pit of misery i dont know. All i know is the only thing pushing me forward is the anorexia telling me to corrupt my body.With the more i restrict the more in control i feel and the more i want to become thinner. I've lost 5 and a half ponds this week i feel so weak and lethargic i havent been able to do my work all can think about is food and how ive got to loose weight, planning avoiding food and exercise.
I need help .
I need help .
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
POt OFF!!!
Woop cannot wait to get this thing off! im really scared tho of how they are guna get it off eek!
Im going to see thee old owl film today hopefully it will be good i cnt concentrate at all atm so i hope i dont get occupied wi food n cravings!
Scales today was 46kg!!! yay thats the first time ive lost 1kg in a day n i didnt even have to fast :)
i m not gunna stop until i PASS OUT :P
tis true :)
Nikkis book is so painful its like im being dragged into it all the things she says about it relates sad times but at least its giving me motivation prbs not the desired effect she had in mind tho
Thats it for now i think i mite post later i need to take a pic of this pot a token of my misery ..
Im going to see thee old owl film today hopefully it will be good i cnt concentrate at all atm so i hope i dont get occupied wi food n cravings!
Scales today was 46kg!!! yay thats the first time ive lost 1kg in a day n i didnt even have to fast :)
i m not gunna stop until i PASS OUT :P
tis true :)
- Breakfast=2 melba toast, juice,banana
- Lunch nothing watchin film
- Tea=cupa soup/sandwich? i duno if ill be able to get away wi it today :(
- Snacks erm nope hopefully i wont spoil a good thing but then again its fat me!
Nikkis book is so painful its like im being dragged into it all the things she says about it relates sad times but at least its giving me motivation prbs not the desired effect she had in mind tho
Thats it for now i think i mite post later i need to take a pic of this pot a token of my misery ..
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Depression
The depths of despair...
2 words THAT feeling
I'm really sad, miserable, hopeless, Fat supposed anorexic!
I want someone to save me
save me from this torture i want to be free from this
Its FaR from over its never guna be over
Never!!
Im always gunna be miserable whats the point of being here???
2 words THAT feeling
I'm really sad, miserable, hopeless, Fat supposed anorexic!
I want someone to save me
save me from this torture i want to be free from this
Its FaR from over its never guna be over
Never!!
Im always gunna be miserable whats the point of being here???
Pat thinks hes a very happy man!...
My life has officially hit an all time low!
i woke up this morning to postman pat theme tune how fucking depressing is that please??
deary me
anyway plans for today!
i feel i need something in my life to remeber the fightfor survival i want to live throught the state of non existing to make the living worthwhile
that probs makes no sense whatsoever but i just need an illness i need something ...
i cut last night for the 1st time in like absolutely ages i dnt know why i felt so complelled to do it but i was looking on PA with the pics n ive been wanting to do it for ages but last night i just had to start again n it felt amazing to feel again
plan for halloween are coming good tho helen n me r going round town n dressing up i cnt wait i hope its good and i dont have a crap night - a goulish disaster is not what im anticipating
hopefully a vampire will sweep me off my paws(think im dressing up as a cat!) ...
i woke up this morning to postman pat theme tune how fucking depressing is that please??
deary me
anyway plans for today!
- going shopping hopefully to parkgate or sheff hopefully both but we'll see
- no dinner
- breakfast=fruit salad
- tea=cup-a soup and some weight watchers bread
i feel i need something in my life to remeber the fightfor survival i want to live throught the state of non existing to make the living worthwhile
that probs makes no sense whatsoever but i just need an illness i need something ...
i cut last night for the 1st time in like absolutely ages i dnt know why i felt so complelled to do it but i was looking on PA with the pics n ive been wanting to do it for ages but last night i just had to start again n it felt amazing to feel again
plan for halloween are coming good tho helen n me r going round town n dressing up i cnt wait i hope its good and i dont have a crap night - a goulish disaster is not what im anticipating
hopefully a vampire will sweep me off my paws(think im dressing up as a cat!) ...
Monday, 25 October 2010
Could have done better!
well the plan sort of worked
Food eaten:
note to self must try harder n not to look through recipes n dont go food shopping
TOO MUCH TEMPTATION + NO SELF CONTROL
riverdale grange rang again today im not going back to that shitole!
need to loose weight need to loose weight need to loose weight!
no more today thats it !
update 2morrow for the days plan oh how tedious i am 2 days till pot off thank god!
xx
Food eaten:
- 2 melba toast
- 33 cal hot chocolate
- glass of pineapple n coconut juice
- celery soup n 3 slices of bread
- 1 slice of bread wi lemon curd
- 1 slice of bread wi pickle
- cheese n cucumber sandwich
- couple of foamy sweets
note to self must try harder n not to look through recipes n dont go food shopping
TOO MUCH TEMPTATION + NO SELF CONTROL
riverdale grange rang again today im not going back to that shitole!
need to loose weight need to loose weight need to loose weight!
no more today thats it !
update 2morrow for the days plan oh how tedious i am 2 days till pot off thank god!
xx
Yet another pitiful attempt to loose weight #lost count!
So monday morning start of the week
how much of a shit week is it this week i wonder?
100 sit ups
melba toast + water for breakfast check!
i plan on only eating celery soup today
got on the scales this morning just like i do every morning to my absolute horror i weigh 47.5 kg thats 7 n a half stone!!! fucking hell im so fat the binging stops ! i cnt believe ive let myself get this bad i need to get a grip
anyway plans for today i think i need some structure to stop me eating weight watchers biscuits 100 cals each 4.9g fat or toasted white bread fuck fuck fuck im already thinking bwt binging and its ten past 9 on monday
i need to b strong especially when an assessment is probably inevitable this week
FML
so plan sorry a bit off track well
10- get dressed + wash hair
read book
opefully go out food shopping maybe
erm do some work the choice is plentiful as i have tons
*sigh* my life is sooo shit
xx
how much of a shit week is it this week i wonder?
100 sit ups
melba toast + water for breakfast check!
i plan on only eating celery soup today
got on the scales this morning just like i do every morning to my absolute horror i weigh 47.5 kg thats 7 n a half stone!!! fucking hell im so fat the binging stops ! i cnt believe ive let myself get this bad i need to get a grip
anyway plans for today i think i need some structure to stop me eating weight watchers biscuits 100 cals each 4.9g fat or toasted white bread fuck fuck fuck im already thinking bwt binging and its ten past 9 on monday
i need to b strong especially when an assessment is probably inevitable this week
FML
so plan sorry a bit off track well
10- get dressed + wash hair
read book
opefully go out food shopping maybe
erm do some work the choice is plentiful as i have tons
*sigh* my life is sooo shit
xx
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Sundays=the shittest day of the week
I went to Thames valley university yesterday. Well lets just say it was dissapointing. Just like evrything in my life. I hate that i can't go to new york becasue of this fucking illness(anorexic scince sept 2008)
Contemplating the whole week ahead seen as its half term this week. I really want to loose weight this week but tempation is going to be soo hard. I hate being at home but scince i have broken my foot its gunna b a nightmare trying to get out. I think im going to start reading Nicki Grahames book. Hopefully that can give me some hope ..either way.
I hope i dont have to go 4 an assessment this week im fucking huge.
Plan;
xx
Contemplating the whole week ahead seen as its half term this week. I really want to loose weight this week but tempation is going to be soo hard. I hate being at home but scince i have broken my foot its gunna b a nightmare trying to get out. I think im going to start reading Nicki Grahames book. Hopefully that can give me some hope ..either way.
I hope i dont have to go 4 an assessment this week im fucking huge.
Plan;
- Read books
- Eat melba toast and only have soup 4 dinner
- never go over 1000
- opefully weigh under 45 with pot on
- start hiding food AGAIN need to stock up on carrier bags
- oh n get my room finished n need to put the rose canvas up to cheer me up
xx
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