I cannot cope
Im stressed and depressed so much words cannot describe how hard it is right now.
I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I need someone.
I need help!

xx

Ive been avoiding you...

When i eat there are new emotions to contend with. When i eat eveything in my body starts working again like food is making everything restored again. The flood of emotion is immense. "i feel it all" I'm not ready, not willing, not able to confront these supressed emotions that i feel now ive been eating/binging for 3 days now. When i starve myself i feel numb my body shuts down my mind is starved of emotion. I've been feeling really out of control,tired, lethargic, depressed, overwhelmingly sad and hopeless. Today i cut. I am really ashamed but the feelings and thoughts just got too much. Farrah if u read this im sorry im a hypocrite ano i fucked up. I am back human. Tomorrow i want to be a zombie again repress all emotion and feel happy with myself to look in the mirror and see what i've been craving for the past 2 years instead of a bulging binging stomach repulsive and vile. I dont want the nightmares insomnia i dont want u, i need you i need you to fight the demons that taunt me at night make them dissapear please
Food=feelings=me=hate=life too hard
Tomorrow things go back the new goal is 6st before my jan exams
I am a fuck up.
xx

*insert rant about new year here* (those who are fed up of my whinging please look away now)

I've always hated new year its full of false hopes false starts and dissapointment. Lifes has already started hasn't i?Or am i still existing?. I didn't plan on fucking my life up each year but i always do so maybe this year i'll fuck up spectatually(if thats a word).
2011 babes i'm not hopeful.
I gots some bad news yest which made me really depressed just in time for zainab coming over. I fucked up! New yeas wasn't exciting, i'm a bad friend i just felt a bit out of control = binge. So my mind as ever was preoccupied with food and how i could binge.
*sigh*
Things will never get better i got my report back from leeds n they sed my bmi was too low for out patients they've offered me In patient but i have to give up school.
Thats not gunna happen so yeh plan b??
*tumbleweed*
Sadly there aint no plan b.
So i'm making my own plan up...
1. get better by myself to achieve my dreams and become a better person a stonger, intellegent, woman
OR
2. Reach 6st, commit suicide properly die thin, miserable, and alone.

Decisions, decisions
Where did u say the anorexia off switch was 'gain?


Happy new year!!
xx