I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?...

I'm on a higher dose.
60 mgs duloxetine
:(
I've broken my foot I think
My phone book is messed up coz my blackberry is in repair I texted my boss Richard instead of this guy Richard telling him to come to halls :(
I'm a dick.
His gf a colleague thought we were actually having an affair behind her back lovely convo to have hungover at 6am trying to convince her it was just me being a stupid drunk
I snogged Jamie's mate :(
I'm a loser.
I just tried walking to the drop in clinic but I couldn't find it and this man was following me no joke!
I can't believe I'm gunna be 20 on Monday.
I really want to die before then.

Hungover ER
xx

boom boom pow...

In uni we had to be put into groups me and this other girl got paired with boys we had to style a shoot to the song above.
I suggested a superhero theme.
I was chosen to model as I had a leotard and leggings and high tops.
Disaster.
let the girl do my make-up she did it wrong.
I looked stupid I'm ugly I cant model!
It was horrible. I looked hideous on camera.
I was so tempted whenever I'm in class to run to the toilet start crying and phone my mum telling her I cant do it I was stupid to even think I could do this full time. I wont achieve anything with my life.
I haven't been eating I'm so nervous!
Yet I've just binged on a pasta bowl and a pastry but its the only thing I've eat today but its still disgusting!
I just want the ground to swallow me up?die in my sleep.
...
I'm thinking of deleting all my thinspo pics, images of depression and tumblrs and just follow style blogs. Its too distracting. :( Has anyone got any good style blogs?
Fuck everything!!!
ER
xx

I don't think I could hate myself more right now...

I went out last night. first night of freshers. I got smashed literally paralytic. No joke. I've never been that drunk before. It's shameful.
Me and Jamie were just casual. I've ruined everything with him.
He said he didn't want a relationship. Were both single. I had four people dance with me talking to me kissing me wanting my number telling me how gorgeous I was. I did it all in front of Jamie. It wasn't intentional. I didn't know what I was doing. He got so mad at me. Outside the club. We argued. I cried. He took a phone call apparently some "business". I think he's into drugs or fighting, cars, sex something dodgy. He wouldn't tell me. I blurted out that I'd been abused. Big mistake. Then we went to eat. He didn't have any money so I paid for him. Stupid. He sat eating and this guy with an afro who I'd got a bracelet off came. We talked Jamie got jealous. Afro guy got my number while Jamie was waiting for me to get his bracelet back. The bracelet says bang tidy apparently he only gives it to bang tidy people. ugh. That made Jamie so mad. He stormed off. me trying to catch up with him in my heels freezing. I stepped out in front of a van. Jamie just looked back at me wishing it had hit me. We went back to his he smoked his first in months coz I'd pissed him off so much. We got in bed. He wouldn't touch me. I just laid there wishing he'd forgive me. I got up went to the toilet him saying your going? Came back he's asleep I kept whispering to him I'm gunna OD on ur pills. I'm suicidal. No reply I just laid there and cried. I wouldn't want him to find me. I gave him 2 blow jobs.
I walked out this morning and he wont answer my texts.

I'm an awful human being.
I hate myself.
I just want to die.
I'm seriously planning it now. I came to uni to do it.
I've nothing to live for.

Nothing. everyone will be better off without me.
I'm sorry I'm such a slag.
I'm awful waste of space disgusting human.
I want it to be over.

erratic...

One minute I feel fucking fantastic the next absolutely rock bottom staring into space crying.
Jamie doesn't want a relationship he doesn't want to be exclusive.
idk what I have to do to make anyone want me.

I feel shit.
I want to crawl into a dark corner and die...

I'm gunna blow all my wages on clothes now.
Fuck men.
please Astra and S talk to me I need you two.
All my love.
ER
xx

I dunno what happened...

I met C yesterday and everything just went wrong one minute I was laughing and joking with him the next I was crying on my bed curled up not wanting to look at him or him to even touch me.
He scares me. How much he's like my therapist. Right now I don't want to see him again. It freaks me out how similar they are. All that love, the commitment, the texts for nothing. A couple days ago I was like I could never ever live without him now I just don't want him any where near me.
I'm gunna spend all day in bed today. I cant face the world.
:(
I think I'm relapsing I know I'm quite thin no where near thin enough. I haven't fucking got an scales I need to get some!!!.
I need cheering up.
The guy I sept with, Jamie he's called I think is embarrassed and ashamed he slept with me. He said he was in Portsmouth yest but I cud of sworn i heard him in the common room yest and he was ignoring me. I hate life. I'm ugly He'll think so too.
I hate myself and I want to die..
All my love,
ER
xx

stupid girl...

I'm sorry walls of arms for being away so long it wasn't intentional I was extremely busy leading up to going to university.
I'm here at University in Southampton it's sunny I'm 3 days in and I'm planning to see C today should be a good day. We definitely love each other but as mates we just care so much for each other its beautiful. I've never had a relationship like it tbh we speak as soon as we get up and just before bed we say night. He is mine. My best mate. I love him.
Anyway the purpose of this post was to tell you about last night on my second day at uni I lost my virginity to a boy I've only just met. Stupid girl. He doesn't want a relationship just sex. I was just sex. He took my virginity :( I'm happy I've lost it but at the same time I'm sad coz I've not waited til I met the right guy. Right now I'm just a piece of meat which everyone knows now what I got up to. I am a slag.
I am ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry
Please don't hate me.
All my love,
ER
xx

wake me up when september ends...

fuck life