why me?

why is it always me that gets the shit if anything can go wrong it goes wrong to me
if its raining i will get splashed by a puddle if a bird flies by it will shit on me
i just cannot cope any more
ive cut
im sat here in floods of tears because no matter what i do its never right or good enough for anyone
ive had to shut down my blog because i let him know every detail about me n im getting punished for him stalking me
i really dont know why i fucking bother
i do things for other people who wouldnt reciprocate
this isnt safe anymore this isnt real im sick of reading ive lost another fucking pound and im ana when really ur still classed as normal weight ugh try fucking living in my shoes battling to even drink on days!

i hate life
fuck you fuck everyone

I HATE MY LIFE!
I FUCKING HATE IT
HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT
ARGH I WANNA PUNCH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
I CANT STAND LIFE
I WANT TO DIE
WHY CANT I FUCKING BE DEAD!?
I WOULD PAY SOMEONE TO KILL ME RIGHT NOW
I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO EVEN GET A DRINK
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

I went to a charity meeting on Saturday in London and we had a surprise visit to a pizza place which was daunting I don't like eating in front of people especially other anorexics.
But I got through it ok I had garlic bread which was yummy and a salad.
I've gained weight I'm hovering around 46/47 kgs  which I hate but its all I can manage right now.
Before the meeting I got myself a hot chocolate and I met a guy. Yes boy meets girl in a coffee shop scenario. Cliché isn't it but I think he is one of the nice ones. If there ever is a nice guy out there that doesn't always think with his dick. It's weird I don't want to say anything yet but he is nice so far so good. Early days I suppose.
...
My mum is really ill and I'm really worried about her. My sister text me today saying she had to see my mum in tears saying that she cant do it any more. As in she is suicidal too. I dunno what to do to help her I mean mums are always there to pick up the pieces but what if you have to pick up the pieces for them? I'm totally lost but feel its my duty to help her I owe it to her. How I'm going to idk. help me..
...
My uni work is piling up I've got photo shoots to do,appointments, finding a house for next year, bank stuff, xmas presents just everything is getting on top of me. My head is gunna explode. I just sit in a daze try just shut myself off from all responsibility and hassle.
...
Feel so hopeless.
Help.
ER
xx

The English Way...

Foals - My Number - Later... with Jools Holland - BBC Two

I swam across I jumped across for you Oh what a thing to do Cause you were all yellow...

I don't know what to say.
I just know I need to post.
...
I've gained binged. What is new I'm a fat bitch.
...
I didn't think I was suicidal any more guess what I lied.
...
I think everything is going ok them Bam you bring me down to earth and remind me where I came from. The yellow. The disgusting yellow. the smog. the wallpaper. the yellow stained faces.
have you ever felt your trying to reach the apple of temptation and somewhere out of nowhere comes a claw and its pulling and pulling u back into the yellow.
It suffocates, it drowns all the life outta me. Nostalgia is like an ocean. I drown in the bubbles of yellow. the pockets of air are false. there is not air in the yellow...remember?
I don't wanna go back there. Never. Ever.It's beginning to get to me.
I never thought I'd be like this neither did I think I'd be happy.
I can remember me sitting on the bus once with my sister n I said I want to be rich so I can prove that you can come from nothing and be successful. Her response was just that's been done before.
I am anorexic I am a borderline I am a depression sufferer. You can't achieve anything with 3 death sentences right?
Its easy to give in. Not have a job. Not give a shit. sleep to forget the pain.
I'm not lucky to be here. I am so unlucky I'm living in this living hell. In this yellow.Ii don't believe in anything any more.
you left and you don't ask any more so why should I bother?
I'm alone.
All alone.
please just let me go...

Failure is at a price I can't afford...

45.8kgs
bmi 14.9
I don't ever wanna see 46 again.
I cant afford to eat. I've spent a grand of my student loan in a month. I don't get paid til January. I'm skint.
I'm restricting just on the fact I can't afford food atm. I don't want to spend any money until next month.
I will have to get diet coke. But even then I'm just drinking supermarket shit brand n it's disgusting.
But I cant stop thinking about restricting and eating as little as possible.
I just want to be as skinny as possible.
:(

we had to take pics in seminar today of each other I hated it but I know if I posed like a absolute twat I'd not have to stand in front of the camera for ages n it worked.

I hate myself.

I'm so fucking ugly.

I have no make up on and I look awful.

I have the docs tomorrow to get more pills that's £7.65 wasted on the prescription. No doubt it will be another antidepressant for me to try.

I hate fucking hate gps they just don't care. 

I feel so disgusting. I'm sat with my legs to my chest and the ripples of fat on my stomach is just gruesome.

:(

I hate myself and I want to die.

ER

xx

I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor You're a little late, I'm already torn...

I'm sorry I'm posting so often.
:(
I sent Lee those pics of me in my "fugly" post.
he sent me naked ones.
I thought I could cope with just sex. I thought I was just accepting that no one will ever love me but to just use me for sex.
But I dunno if I can do it.
We argued last night coz on Tuesday of all days he said that I should find someone else who can be nice and be there for me coz he's going on his course for 19 weeks. He rejected me.
Just today he said I could go to his base.
I said no coz I am so poor atm then he was like I'll lend you the money.
I thought wow this is an all time low prostituting myself now.
Then he said he doesn't wanna use a condom.
No way.
I'm not getting pregnant neither am I exposing myself.
I just feel so low and used. My sister said I was stupid.
I just want someone to lie with, hold me and kiss me like they don't want to kiss anyone else.
I'm just sex aren't I?
He wants to come after parade tomorrow.
Jamie was a mistake.
I don't want Lee to be too.
I know that after we have sex he wont talk to me.
He will have got what he wanted. Just like Jamie. Fuck me and leave me. But I just feel drawn to him maybe coz I am so so lonely I just want company or that I feel so low that I don't care what happens to me any more.
I'm just torn.
Lee was my lover a guy I used to get butterflies every time I saw him at work he is so so gorgeous and yet his personality is just..nothing.
I've no idea what to do..
Torn.

ER
xx

My bones ache, my skin feels cold And I'm getting so tired and so old The anger swells in my guts And I won't feel these slices and cuts...

I just feel not human. A zombie.
I feel like I get up just to sit on my arse all day on the computer coz there is nothing else to do here.
I'm so so tired. But I could sleep for days and days and not feel ready to wake up.
I still feel exhausted despite how many hours of sleep I get.
I feel horrible.
My hair, skin, my clothes. I just want to be free.
I hate this feeling.
My back hurts every single bone in my body aches.
I feel hungry but I've managed to gain :( fuck!
I just want it to end.
I want to open my eyes.
I want to feel awake.

ER
xx

FUGLY...

I've been binging like crazy.
I'm seriously fat my arse could feed a small country!
:'(
46kgs
BMI; 15.5
Body fat 5.5%
these pictures are just awful I want to loose 6kgs by xmas.
Starts today...
ER
xx

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I scared you all yesterday.
I'm sorry I hate that I was so down I could barely think straight.
I drew upon everything I had was to try and manage the situation I went to an emergency counselling meeting where I basically cried so much.I text a few people Astra I love u x and I rang my mum. I just wanted to hear her voice just chat about nothing to take my mind off it.
Thank you to everyone who commented n sent me love you all helped me through such a tough day.
Going to the counsellor again tomorrow.
I'm just sorry everyone.

melanie </3

All my love

ER

xx

Every whisper, every sigh Eats away at this heart of mine And there is a hollow in me now...

Dear Melanie,

It's been a year.
It seems like yesterday I heard the news. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach this massive overwhelming feeling of sadness.
Of guilt.
If I could go back in time I would. I would have given you my life instead within a heartbeat.
I swear I will never ever forget what I did. I stole your life. I'm so so sorry.
Sorry a million times over.
I have to live with what I've done.
It should of been me. I hate myself I'm still here.
You should be!
I'm so sorry were so alike and you suffered.
No words can bring you back nor can the litres of tears I've cried wishing I was dead instead of you.
I'm just sorry.
x

http://www.surreycomet.co.uk/news/9966876.Promising_student_died_after_prescription_pills_overdose/?ref=rss

I'm on the same meds as her now. venlafaxine. I only have 5 tablets left
5x 75=375mg

she took 15g thats 15000 I have to find 14625mgs
fuckfuckfuck!
Id have to take 200 pills to die like she did.
:'(
if anyone reads this please comment me I need to distract myself from ODing tonight and tying a plastic bag over my head
Please I'm begging.
xx

I'm addicted to the thrill, its a dangerous love affair...

It's been a while since I did a proper post.
I have a stalker who is no doubt reading this.
I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. All the friends I thought I had who understood who were some of the people I've relied on have left just like I knew they would. friends? What fucking friends?!
I've just given up on people there is no faith in human kind. Everyone is a fucking selfish cunt.
...
The day is nearly here.
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/this-is-it.html
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/suicide.html
6th november.
I will probably attempt to just out of the fact that its that date. I duno what I'm gunna do.
I fantasise about suicide everyday. Not being here. Freedom. No one would care. No one.
I shouldn't be here.
It haunts me everyday that I stole her life.
I will never forgive myself.
never.

I feel like most of my days are just aimless. Nothing happens to make me believe in myself my ability to survive. Nothing I do is ever right.
Seems like I know not how to live any more, I just know the art of dying.
Tomorrow will be the hardest day ever.
I normally go back to the first place. I can see the view now. The hill, the motorway,the life I am so distant from. I can see you but I wish I could erase you. And in doing so erase myself.

Lady Lazarus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-------

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand in foot ------
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call. 
It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

ER
xx

I was here...

   

There was no memorial.
I just laid flowers next to the chapel.
I couldn't get roses.
I'm sorry
xx