This is killing me...

living
im thinking of a day to die next year anny suggestions???
defo feeling the 6th but of which month idk
not jan coz im off to dublin forr my sissy's bday
feb? sounds good i think
whitney engaged whit dawwwgg bday is on the 2nd so i just wanna c her for the last time :')
figuring out my new years resoultions
but theres so much that i wanna achieve in 2012 but theres one thing on my mind ndd thats death please
guna b a short year short but painful life
fucking waste of space!
keep thinking about him i no i shouldn't but i keep blaming myself i drove him away we could have been amazingg </3
I wanna b 6 stone by feb
thats the only resolution oh and suicide lolz how cud i forget that ?!

i want her legs! NOW

im guna let it destroy me :'(

so true

i hope you join me back in this never ending battle BPD is really bad atm so extreme emotions im all over the place
xx

I think i better leave right now b4 i fall any deeper...

This is short im on borrowed time.
Suicide seems more appealing as the days go on.
Ive lost weight and im guna continue.
I hate home with a passion.
I cant get out im trapped (student finance wont let me go bk 2 uni).
2012 i hope i never have to endure you.
xx

At some point every Rose has to die...

I'm going home.
It's not home, I dont know where home is anymore but I'm going back where I came from. A village in Doncaster. South Yorkshire. Ever since I was little I asked why outta all the places, why was I born there? But it is my childhood. I grew up there. It's familiar.
It has too many memories. Mostly bad. My family are what started my depression. Without them I am depressed coz it means I am left with my own thoughts of depression.
I just have to sort my head out. This year has been mad to say the least. Entering 2011 I was at my lowest I binged to get my A levels as I struggled to cope. I've been so stressed working to get the grades I deserve. I went outpatients in the summer. Met Adam <3 Moved away, 150 miles from home without my friends recovering from serious illnesses. I've lost my best friend and my first love/love of my life (again) in the space of a month. I committed suicide and I quit my Uni course that was my dream. Blogger was and is my sactuary from life.
Having left the big smoke, I have nothing to get up for in the morning. I'm in the real world where I have to earn money. I just hope I get onto a fashion course?
I cant go back though. I mean to my old life back home. One thing that Uni has taught me is that I have to grow up. I've got to be strong and I've got to stop hiding behind disorders. Maybe I am fucked up but no one will ever help. I dont trust anyone enough to help me. I dont want help if it means letting them into my dark places. Letting them swim in the oil with me. It's not safe.
I dont wanna be one of those chronic sufferers that never gets better. I know I'm waiting for my big break in life. Its gotta happen soon. IT HAS TO.
So why am I telling you this? Well being back in Doncaster means that I wont be able to use the internet. I wont be on blogger. I'm taking a step back from anorexia and depression websites. I want to get better. I dont want a repeat of history when I'm back. Its not the person I want to be. I dont want to be a 20 something living my life as a teenager on PT and blogger wanting to get thin. I dont want to be that person. Mental illnesses has stolen my childhood I dont want it stealing my adulthood as well.
I might come back though so dont think I'll be gone forever. It'll either be to tell you to stop following me if your "pro ana" or have anything to do with anti-recovery or it will be inviting you to join me again in my battle with my disorders. I just need time out to think which one I really want.
So for now I wish all you lovelies a merry christmas and a happy new year. If anyone cares enough to read this.

All my Love 
English Rose
xx

Lying on a fake beach You'll never get a tan....

I cant get enuf of this!!

Tash <3

Lying on a fake beach,
You'll never get a tan.
Baby, I'm gonna leave you drowing,
Until you reach for my hand.

In the night your heart is full
And by the morning empty.
But baby, I'm the one who left you,
You're not the one who left me.

When you're around me I'm radioactive.
My blood is burning, radioactive.
I'm turning radioactive.
My blood is radioactive.

My heart is nuclear.
Love is all that I fear.
I'm turning radioactive.
My blood is radioactive.

Waiting for the nightfall,
For my heart to light up.
Oh baby, I want you to die for,
For you to die for my love.
In the night your heart is full
And by the morning empty.
But baby, I'm the one who left you,
You're not the one who left me.

When you're around me I'm radioactive.
My blood is burning, radioactive.
I'm turning radioactive.
My blood is radioactive.

My heart is nuclear.
Love is all that I fear.
Ready to be let down.
And now I'm heading for a meltdown.

Tonight I feel like neon gold.
I take one look at you and I grow cold.
xx

ignorance is your new best friend...

And I'm sick of it.
Sick of being ignored.

Just sick of people in general.
Wanner make me feel even more shit? coz uve succeeded. I might as well be invisible or better still dead.
In a cutting mood...

Baby I'm the one who left you your not the one that left me....

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
YOU FUCKING PRICK
I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME
I DONT TRUST YOU!!!!!
...
Sorry i needed that.
dan the guy I was seeing at hospital was a fucking dick who uploaded my letter that I gave him in confidence about the 6th to my file so CMHT asked me about private stuff that shouldn't have been discussed thats none of their business.
Im so fucking pissed off.
Im so angry I could smash my room up right now.
you know when yor sooo angry you start shaking. I'm fucking livid.
I dont want to speak to him but I want to ring him to make sure that he bloody deletes the letter from the system.
What should I do? hope that he has deleted the letter? or ring him to say and say and say that I want the letter deleted??
someone please help Idk what to do?!?!?!?
please

I ride this motherloving beat like a traktor...

Beautiful Ed Sheeran there.
Miss Greg ( he looks like him)
Love you.
...
I would like to thank 71 people you are beautiful.
For all those poeple who have commented on my blog.
For all those people who have read my blog.
And for all those people who have supported me when I'm at my most vulnerable, weak and darkest moments. You will never know how much you mean to me and help me in this misery. You all give me hope and encouragement.
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
http://2ndwindx.blogspot.com/

http://thinisourwayoflife.blogspot.com/

http://skinnythinnyninny.blogspot.com/

http://dreamss-x.blogspot.com/

http://me-and-my-bones.blogspot.com/

http://perfectionisfucked.blogspot.com/

http://brokengirlsconfessions.blogspot.com/
You girls are amazing. If people aren't following please do they are awesome!!!
Your my angels I'm charliee :')♥♥♥
xx

Last friday night...

Awkward moment when you have flashbacks of the night before.
One word, drunk not guna lie!
haha
made a tit outta my self wanted attention but didn't at all. I just want sum1 to notice I exist...

xx

Fuck you!

I'm never trusting any1 ever again from now on thats it.
I hate you dan. Ur a dick to say the least.
Why would I give you a letter about the 6th and tell you in that letter that I dont trust people about what was in the letter. TWAT!
...
Going last time to BOP I know I said I wasn't but I wanna get absolutely outta my face and Its neon theme (punches air).
Please and Thankyou.
thats all
Glowsticks and mansticks.
XX

I am lost I am vain, I will never be the same without you...

Tears are constantly in my eyes.
I cant live without you.
I'm incomplete, inconsolable, just really unbeliveably  sad.

...
I'll probably get sectioned tomorrow.
I'm guna tell CMHT that I want to kill myself.
Lifes too much. I dont even wanna think about anything but trying to kill myself/death just try to kill this. This depression.
You have no fucking idea how much it hurts, to carry on living like this! so dont fucking say it will got better coz im done with that bullshit. It wont. Ive been waiting over 4 years for it to get better. I just get more fucked up as the years roll on. Remember to say i'm too severe to be helped yeh, oh and pass me onto someone else yeh coz you know how I love to feel like I dont matter and am irrelevant to you.

xx
:'(
xx

We spent our whole weekends lying in our own dirt, I was just soo happy in your boxers and your t-shirt...

General shit. BINGE, contemplating suicide,depression etc.
...

I'm thinking of telling my mum about suicide should i? IDK will she care? IDK
...
I'm just soo sick of this. crying* I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. I'm sick of living. I just really need someone right now to just love me, hug me and whisper in my ear that it's guna be ok.
lonely hearts...
xx

I know you've been hurt by someone else.. I can tell by the way you carry yourself...

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Marilyn monroe.

Its been a month since I tried...:'(
The devil wants me dead. the 6 and 3am. Not a good combination.
I'm getting haunted by the colour red.
The devils wants me dead.

xx

Do you want to go to the seaside?

I'm not tryin to say that everybody wants to go...
but I fell in love at the seaside.

<3

Brighton was just how I remembered it. Beautiful full of amazing people. When I'm older I wanna grow up in Brighton and be a stylist :) hehe.
I love the feeling I get when I'm near the sea. I think its happy? wow happy me? nah not possible but It made me smile seeing the waves crash and walking on the beach.  It's home.

xx

Our liquid lives, this is how we all survive...

I'm so bored now I dont have anything to do. I need to sort out my personal statement for my fashion courses. Think I mite watch Coco before chanel for inspiration. I went to Westfields yesterday sooo depressing when retail therapy doesnt cheer me up! You when things are bad when I'm unhappy shopping. But I'm guna go Brighton tomorrow just booked my tickets on the choo choo choo trainline.com :) all riiight
 love love love brighton <3 Gunna do my xmas shopping there.
...
Friday night was a bit of a disaster I was still upset about leaving and people kept asking if I was ok even though I didn't tell them musta been all over my face. But someone said when I was dancing "cheer the fuck up" which crushed me so I stumbled home alone. BOP is shit I'm never going union again wat a shit hole! But people did say I looked like a white Rihanna which is a massive compliment coz Rihanna is a total BABE I'd love to be her...
...
I'm bidding on a bag for my sister for xmas so I hope no1 bids against me bitches haha
...
I told a person here that I'm leaving yesterday which is nice to tell someone but she said that another person has decided to leave and every1 loves him so its like a bit of my thunder being stolen you know like no1 will care I'm leaving coz they like him alot. Oh well.
...
Oh and I text Patrick friday night. Telling him about how I trusted him and he let me down and that I hate myself for loving him and it hurts. I deleted all his texts and ...his number I cant contact him anymore even though I want to but he's the one who split us up not me. I will always love him even though he doesn't. Patrick is my only love I'll never find anyone like him again. " never mind I'll find someone like you"
xx

It's all over...

I've left University not left as in moved back home but I've interrupted my studies until next year. I cried when I handed over the form. I know I dont want to leave but I cant do the course. I'd never thought I'd leave uni. There was always hope that I'd start new and become this person who I've wanted to be for soo long now. But I've gone to the edge of my sanity I've been to some really dark places. I cant be happy until I sort out the things in my head that have been haunting me for so long now...

• my dad left when I was young, we had to live in a safe house coz he abused my mum,in the end my sister had to climb thru the window to get our house back coz he kicked my mum out with his four kids with no where to go, he had to have police supervision when he came to see my brother he wouldnt come to see me and my sisters, he used to date really young girls like 19 when he was 50 only I later found out that he was a pimp, he was a cocaine addict but got into being an undercover cop to get drug dealers, he worked selling faulty amps to which I met loads of famous people, he has bipolar and I'm scared so scared I'll end up like him, I dont speak to him anymore one for the abuse I get and two hes too unstable for him to be permanently in my life
• I got abused by my therapist I trusted him but he just controlled me and idk lets just say he put ideas in my head...
• I have issues with food
• I have BPD
• I have severe depression
• I'm still madly in love with Patrick.

I know its for the best to try be happy doing something I enjoy but I just feel like whatever I do my problems will continue to haunt me. I'll end up committing suicide one day.
I dont know where I'm going or where I need to be but I know I know being this miserable is toxic and I'm sick of being poisoned.

xx P.S The things mentioned in this post are brief and I havent told any1 them before.