Goodnight sweetheart...

It all started when I went to my first counselling appointment to have an assessment yesterday. She was a ever so softly spoken large Asian lady with a bowl of stones, cushions galore and soft lighting. Fill out those depression forms I swear I could tick them off with my eyes closed I've seen so fucking many. Don't you just hate it when they repeat themselves like when they say that's what they'll do why do they need to utter it twenty thousand times. She called the GP made me an "emergency appointment" I saw her half an hour late. Can't stand lateness, Strike one. She was like a PE teacher cheery when I was so gloomy it was totes inappropriate reaction, Strike two. She prescribed me sleeping pills 14 golden gateway pills they're like gold dust. But she reduced them down to 7 with my "track record" Strike three. Then booked me an appointment for today. To discuss being referred and chasing it up.

But today I've been busy so I had to miss it. I went to the hairdressers. If I booked online I got 50% off which is half of £70 yes for a consultant. Enter simon. Got two ear hole stretches skinny jeans round his thighs and sleeves. I felt like I was an inconvenience to him. I said a side fringe n what do I get the same as what I walked in with. I wanna ring up and complain tmoz I don't like at all. I didn't say any thing coz I was late for my train. Running to the station in the poring rain cursing myself I think I actually mouthed all the way there "I fucking hate my life" Where was I going? Birmingham for a charity event. Basically for me to engage with the community to say that its ok to talk about mental health. What I was letting myself in for. I swear it was like in single figures I was freezing. I manned the leaflets bit. I got someone talking about how he saw a spaceship and every minute detail about it.  I had a guy flash me his self harm too stunned with my mouth open he put his finger to his lips and walked off. I had a newspaper which said 99.5% of incapacity benefits are genuine yet this woman she had raised 5 kids and worked throughout saying she knows scroungers and its not fair on her. I was just like is there any point talking to such a narrow minded person? yes we have it hard but its just to pigeon hole everyone into benefit cheats is just wrong. Then this woman was like saying everyone who has mental illness should be segregated n put in hospital despite me saying its on a spectrum and it varies in seriousness she just wasn't having any of it. Kids nicking the free lollies. oh and this man straight out of prison comes up and says he hasn't eaten for 3 days has no heating money or electricity his mouth all swollen.
it was overwhelming draining and idk just proved to me that people are horrible and selfish. .

I plan on taking the seven tonight. maybe make myself a cocktail. Mix it up with some anti's I've got plenty now.
Sorry for being sarcastic bitch just what's the fucking point any more?

I'm just totally finished.
ER
xx

I shouldn't be here...

50 reasons why I should commit suicide...

1. I don't think I am living for myself any more
2. I think about it everyday
3. Medication does nothing
4. I don't remember what happy feels like
5. I blame others for my own mistakes
6. It's unexplainable
7. Crying myself to sleep
8. Telling someone and then instantly regretting it
9. people joking about suicide
10. When people say they care but actually don't
11. "so much to live for" "so much you'll never get to do"
12. The fear of failing
13. Losing weight to leave a skinny corpse
14. Happy people are triggering
15. Being so bored all the time because nothing is interesting anymore
16. Being suicidal for so long no one takes me seriously any more
17. When I've been institutionalized and need to go back because that's the only safe place
18. No one understands
19. Get's better? only 10 x worse
20. I want someone to save me
21. Everyone would be better off if I was dead
22. No one knows how much effort it takes just to stay alive
23. The loss of hope
24. Continually being hurt by people
25. I am nothing
26. I hate everything about me
27. Everyone treats me like shit
28. I am lonely
29. Excessive desire to stay in bed
30. I trust all the wrong people and never trust the right ones
31. I am boring. I have nothing valuable to say
32. I want to hurt myself
33. Lying awake at night thinking.
34. The internet gives me more comfort than real life
35. Sitting alone in the dark
36. Always looking for ways to kill myself
37. Wishing every minute that I was dead
38. Wanting to be a victim of a murder
39. Being fascinated by peoples "stories"
40. Having no one you can call a friend
41. Being ashamed of depression
42. Relentless sadness
43. Washing becomes a chore
44. Broken family
45. Panic attacks
46. The devil
47. If became when
48. Being pathetic and crying all the time
49. The scars mentally and physically
50. Little things can put me on a downer for a day/month/week

I shouldn't be here.

ER
xx

Too much of anything could destroy you. Too much of darkness could kill but too much light could blind.

were going round and round and up and down...your holding on too tightly...

love was an illusion of a hopeless heart...

I'm really struggling at the moment I think alot of people are as well. Im sorry wall of arms. :(
I cant do anything at the moment I'm just frozen.
I'm either doing pointless shit i.e binging or sleeping I haven't even touched any of my uni work this week which is shameful.
I'm guna attempt to go uni in heels fuck no's why coz I know I cant walk in them!?
I've decided to go back on my pills after 2 nights of crying and massive headaches from withdrawing. I don't want them tho.
I'm really obsessed about suicide and reading about suicide atm.
I know I shouldn't coz its awful and its putting ideas into my head but as 6th November approaches I just want to end it.
I'm thinking I should go and visit her memorial.
I know I don't deserve to even be near her or anything but I just wanna say how sorry I am.
...
I am going home for the weekend tomorrow. Have a long weekend. I just want to see my niece and my dog who I love dearly.
I just want to get away from these four walls.
I imagine life back at home to be the same shit.
Cold, depressing and cluttered.
I cant do that cope with being regressed back to a place where I know is depressing.
Fuck life.
I'm sick of this life where I don't fit in anywhere. No where feels like I belong. I have no purpose.
nothingness this deep feeling of nothingness.
All my love,
ER
xx

Blow by blow...

How does it feel to wish every minute of every day that you were dead?
Devastating?, torturous?
It's horrible.
Sick of waiting for the "better days" and "fish in the sea".
There's nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I'm finished.
4 years I cant take another second.
I want to cut.
It's rusty. Don't give a fuck.
I think I'm having a breakdown.
I imagined the tube hitting me I closed my eyes and mouthed now the second I  should of jumped. Distorted in between metal sprinkle salt so it dries up my blood.
I keep getting murdered and raped in my dreams.
Sleep isn't solace any more it's infected my only peace.
I walked past a memorial for a recently well known girl in the news.
I felt so guilty I'm here and she's presumed dead. Why couldn't it of happened to me?! I deserve it not her I should be dead!
I just want to die.
Please Please just let me die.

I've wasted my nights, You turned out the lights Now I'm paralysed..

the past few months in pictures...

Lee </3

Me, Tom(Jamie's mate) and Katie at freshers ball

I had a free barry m manicure today this is the magnetic nail polish lush

me and whitney

Whitneys wedding

My niece on a monket swing on her first birthday <3

me with old wolfie we blow good ;) lol

Gregs bracelet I made for him

Well I've had such a shit day.
I had a rude awakening again at 1 am people coming in from a night out and woke me up didn't go back to bed til 3 am then I had the most awful nightmare!
I was in an american mall and  there was this game where someone sat on the floor and this machine would give them a wedgies weird yess then it was getting a crowd and there was loads of people I was like come on lets go to these people I'd never met but they were just standing there laughing at people who went on this machine. Then the machine started killing people I was running up the escalators to the car park looking for my car (even though I don't drive) I started crying hysterically coz the injured people started catching up with me like the machine had tore all the flesh off arm and legs but left the bone. I went up to these posh people in the back of a cars said where are you going? Can I stay with you? they were like were from Chelsea and this girl asked her mum on the phone and she said no you cant stay with us. So I was panicking and in hysterics even more where I paid someone to drive my car then this man with no arm splattered on the windscreen and Cassidy from uni said I'll come with you then in the car I saw Cassidy's arm and it was just bone and I just screamed. then I think we drove to a house and I found out that someone had called the machine something and it started killing everyone so they all hated this girl. But then we were sat at this fashion show then Dr who turned up but it was for a female designer someone I knew but I cant remember now. Then this man dressed all in black was killing people he was the man behind the machine.
It was just awful I woke up this morning hallucinating coz of it I heard someone call my name and there was a lantern in front of me I didn't wanna open my eyes but when I did the lantern was actually my printer.
So so weird! I woke up dripping wet in sweat. But really cold.
I've felt so sick and ill I thought  I was gunna collapse on the way to uni.
...
I went to the docs today got 75mg venlafaxine great! ugh
...
I haven't talked about C in ages. I essentially told him to fuck off n never contact me again. I just realised how creepy he is and how we are so far apart it was so weird I dunno how we ever got on. So he's completely out of my life thank god I don't miss him at all I'm glad I'm not being upset by him and having to put up with his offensive not funny jokes and his big head. ugh makes my skin crawl!
...
I really need to do some work now :( Going to Newcastle on sat for Helen's birthday gunna take me 6 hours to get there!

All my love
ER
XX
P.s depressed skinny mess I haven't had ur texts and I dont have ur number email me ur number honey <3

Were beautiful like diamonds in the sky...

I don't think I've ever felt more ugly.
I have so many spots on my face from binging, I'm bloated, I hate all my clothes coz I can only fit into my big size 8 clothes now, my hair is all lank and disgusting.
I only got up at 12. I was woken up at 1 am with 3 people in my room. They were laughing at me. The girl was giggling her head off. I can't believe I forgot to lock my door. I couldn't get up I was just frozen pretending to be asleep. When they left I just cried until about 3  am I slept 'til about 9.
I've forced myself to get up and I've been cleaning to Justin Bieber How sad?!
I know I've still got work to do today but I just cant be bothered I'm still tired even after sleeping for so long.
...
It's the freshers ball tonight.
I really don't want to go aside from the fact I have no one to go with I can't fit into anything nice.
I just don't have any purpose in life.
I get up sleep and do more sleeping. I'm just sick of sleeping or wishing I was asleep just lying in bed.
I just sat with my head in my hands crying.
I'm in the process of deleting all my thinspo and depression pics.
I shouldn't be looking at that I need to grow up and concentrate just on fashion.

All my love,
ER
xx

What it takes to come alive...

First week of uni has been overwhelming.
I mean the work has been fun but just the amount you have to do is overwhelming.
Lee texted me yesterday.
He was on about coming today but I said if you just want sex don't come I don't want to be used.
Needless to say he never text me back after that.
...
I'm trying to access my online banking but I've froze myself out. God knows how ffs!! I think I've had fraud on my account or something damn halls internet honestly if I have no money in there I dunno what the hell I'd do.
...
Just depression and the pills are sucking all the life out of me. I sleep most of the day well I just lie in bed because I'm so exhausted. Surely there is something wrong with me. Like I should be able to get out of bed in a morning and do all the normal things others do without after half an hour think I'm too tired to carry on and just crawl back into bed.
I would give anything right now to just go back home and stay in bed with no job, no money, nothing. I just don't want to live any more. I just hate who I am, the clothes I wear, the things I do. I just can't deal with every day life. I didn't wash for four days. I just couldn't. I know it's disgusting but this overwhelming feeling of sadness paralyses me.
I know you all think shut up and just get on with it but I can't.

This is where I am going...

All my love

ER

xx

Its my birthday today...

I'm 20.
OLD
:(
ugh
have to go uni 10-6
Joys
I wanna curl up and stay in bed its raining outside.
...
I went to a UV party last night. But I didn't drink and it was shit to say the least.
Jamie
Just Jamie.
I couldn't stop looking at him looking for him seeing if he was snogging someone who he was talking to. He says were cool but I can tell we aren't.
I asked Tom his mate about it and he just said Jamie doesn't give a shit and just shrugged. I swear I could have cried there and then.
I dunno why I like Jamie so much.
I just want him to look after me and put his big arms around me. Stop the tension between us.
Oh God I just don't wanna go out any more coz I know I'm gunna see him and it's just too painful and too stressful. I went out with Katie but she hardly talked to me. I just feel so depressed about everything even though I'm on a higher dose things seem more hopeless as the days pass by.
I cannot do this.
You just don't understand if ur willing me to continue to live like this. I can't I honestly can't keep pretending stuff is ok. Watching everyone else have a good time while I sit there miserable. A mute.

Thanks for the comments on my last post.
Wall of arms you are lovely to me.
All my love
ER
xx