I dont know how i survive...

THIS! THIS SONG DESCRIBES IT, HOW I FEEL <3 <3

I feel like everything is so hard atm. Like when I watched skins last night it was just like I haven't got a life. It will never be how I want it. I hate it. Its pointless. What hurts even more is that when I think about other people how much I love them I miss them so so much but they are happy in their lives and I'm miserable. That speaks volumes doesn't it?...

Overdose #4...How To Be Dead...

Beautiful people.
I'm sorry.
I need to stop it.
But its not like I can just see the supposed positives in my life and just forget all the reasons why I'm so miserable.
I overdosed on thursday night.
I wasn't going to because the taste of paracetamol was just disgusting. I kept gagging. But the pain and desire was just too overwhelming.
I overdosed.
I passed out.
Woke up.
Felt incredibly ill ever since, my insides felt like they were falling and I had a really good feeling I thought I was dying. Turns out I wasn't.
On top of that I started getting the flu at the same time and coz I stayed in bed too ill to move my mum kept saying you want paracetamol? umm no I said still tempted that it could finish me off.
On top of that things just seem to be getting worse. My whole "friends" list is dwindling. Even when I told a few ppl I overdosed clearly needing their support they just went on about themselves? wtf I want my friends back! Work makes me mad people who I thought was ok turn out to be bitchy and I'm getting caught up in it :S I got an interview for college but its not the one I wana go to so thats made me sad. And I keep hearing how well people are doing I am happy for them but its making me incredibly jealous as I have nothing going for me.AT ALL. I need a miracle to make me live atm.
6th feb overdose #5...
xx

The demons in me was the best of friends from the start...

"You dont listen to me as I talk to the wall, this blanket is freezing its been out in the hall..."
I'm guna overdose today.
I want to be dead.
My liver is fucked already so hopefully I'll die painfully of liver failure...
Nothing is worth living for anymore.
I'm sorry to 80 people.
I constantly need someone with me everyday. I just want to feel loved but no one can do that. But only if they mean it. And I mean really mean it. Coz I'm alone. I dont want sympathy or attention I just want someone.. just one person to say they love me and hold me.
I feel Ill already. I'm gunna feel even worse once the overdose kicks in.
I'm just sorry.
All my love.
xx

With the fire in my bones andd the sweet taste of kerosene..

I was feeling quite hopeful in my last post. Shouldda known it wouldnt last. I got a letter yesterday saying that I had to pay another £199 back to student finance apparently thats what all students should have in december £400 left? wtf and I haven't heard from the access team which I had an assessment with 2 weeks ago so I rang them. I asked for IP but they've just referred me to community therapy. WHAT A JOKE. I just sat and cried on my bedroom floor when I found out and got out my keepsake box and looked at my stash. My family was at the shop I was really tempted. But I text someone they managed to pull me out. But its just made me more aware that I can never escape misery. Theres no hope. Theres no release not for one day that things go right. When now I've just checked my emails my uni accomodation has been cut short £11 I mean whats the fucking point? the room was exactly how I moved in so why have they deducted that? I feel like everyones out to get me atm. Like I cant trust anyone coz they're just waiting to fuck me over...

It's time to face the music I'm no longer your muse...

I'm really loving writing atm. I feel like if I need to get something off my chest I'll think about it, replay it in my head on wording, rearranging the sentences for most dramatic impact and just for my peace of mind that I've found the most appropriate words to describe this. I do that with blog posts. Try to make them convey something that I wouldn't normally say out loud or just make me have some release from the darkness.
So yeh why I'm saying this is because I'm normally one of those people who suffers from writers block but I just feel this energy maybe creative energy to write. I wrote this. I want it to get published somewhere.Thats its ok to talk about mental illness. Which is the  charity thing I went to on saturday.
Read it hope u like it.

A true account of a troubled life living with mental illnesses…

I had always convinced myself it would be third time lucky. It was my time up, my time to leave this world that had become absolutely unbearable. Having suffered mental health problems for as long as I can remember now I would go to any lengths to make myself suffer, to somehow justify the sadness and the pain that had been consuming me for years. It had been my fault hadn’t it? The successive list of people that had vowed to helped me but made me worse, made me even more despairing claiming I was “too entrenched” or “too severe” in my illnesses to be helped. Hope of leaving for University was what got me through 3 years at home trying to pitifully achieve GCSEs and A levels in order to become a person that I believed would be  worthy of living. The summer of 2011 I made a deal with myself in order to survive until the dreaded 6^th November, the day that always lures me to the edge. I had to find out the results of my A levels, hold my new born niece and to experience some of my degree. Getting good A levels always spurred me on to get my ticket to University.  In September 19^th I moved into halls which completely shattered my dreams of my amazing get away to a new life. I was so nervous and so determined to be happy, but the last words of my doctor was still ringing in my ear that’s my problems would just travel down the A1 behind me if I didn’t change my way of thinking. She was right, I magically thought that moving to University would make me happy but it didn’t, moving over a hundred miles from home away from the sleepy town I’ve lived in all my life, but here I was surrounded by people I didn’t know, people who I wanted to be friends with but was too afraid of my insecurities. So there I was alone and depressed. Luckily I met a fantastic girl on my course that made my stay at University so much more bearable despite the work being excruciatingly hard we would always find time to smile in our misery knowing that we weren’t alone in finding the transition from our previous lives to now.

Things got a bit better when I started making an effort with my flat mates they are all so lovely. The end of October saw me doing something I knew I would regret but all the while knowing the intoxicating desire to have him back in my life. Previous years before had seen me make my first overdose attempt after loving someone though a difficult emotional time in my life. I made contact with him knowing too well I was falling into my depressive state. As the 6^th November loomed I started counting down the days until I could make my attempt to finally be free from the life I desperately wanted to escape from. When the day finally arrived I started my induction at a charity that prevents people from committing suicide my stupidity of taking up the day trying to understand and stop other people from attempting suicide provided the slippery slope I was all too willing to consider it myself.  That night I overdosed. With his voice the last I hoped I’d hear. The following day brought disappointment and even more heart ache.  Looking back now I regret some things but everything happens for a reason. I survived that night but it took someone’s life. A girl I didn’t know in the corridor above me but I was mortified that I was still alive, still depressed at an all-time low when someone committed suicide the night I failed.  It felt wrong; I feel guilty every day that it wasn’t me that died that night. I left university a month or so after that realising that my passion for the subject I loved had fizzled away another casualty of my depression.  I take one day at a time knowing that even that there is a bad day there’s always going to be hope and happiness to be sought in tomorrow. Despite depression, anorexia and borderline personality disorder has made me suffer I still know that I just need time to discover my purpose. To never give up believing in better places, better opportunities and a better you.

In memory of Melanie Sheen. May you rest in peace.

Since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be your nothing...

...nothing at all to youu...

Cast (in order of appearance)...
Alex,
"dad",
Vicky,
Loren,
Greg,
Adam,
Zainab,
Patrick,
Aeris,
Astra.

...And all the other people I've spoken to on websites who I know deep down your still silently suffering...

Baby you dont know a thing about me...

I'm going to london saturday!!!! Cant wait. I'm volunteering for a mental health charity to try and reduce the stigma of having a mental illness. I think I'm the person least likely to think of as mentally ill. People joke to me about suicide and self harming etc. Its just like if you knew what was in my head you'd be shocked. I've got demons locked up in there youu know.

I have a few spare hours which I wanted to see some people but they're busy. :'( I wanna see people who I used to live with but on their own individually. I dont want to announce myself to everyone in the kitchen I'm back again!!. I bet they would all think ffs just fuck off no one wants you here. :/ so idk what to do? to go and see the people that I want to or just go shopping in central?

...

I know I say this all the time but I really wanna loose weight. I want to be 45kgs on saturday. I want to fit into my size six skinny jeans so bad. But at work I'm so depressed I just eat, comfort eat and its bloody expensive! I'm finding that I'm spending my bloody xmas money on binging! wtf please Fat bitch

I'm guna go over my faded scars of this. Until I am thin and happy with my weight. 

xx

Nothing, nothing, nothing...

I'm really over thinking things atm. Someone said I overreact maybe shes right.Apparently ppl come from troll face ru blog to me so looks like I am ? lol Its a proper weird blog has any1 else seen it or have come from there to my blog???
Anyway its pissed me off. wanner make me feel even more shit
...
I keep doubting myself. Rosie txt me yest saying that she was going bop. How I miss uni. I just wanna be happy. But I  dont deserve it. I should be 6 feet under right now. I'm home alone this morning, a good oppourtunity to go? My mum n my sis come back to find me overdosed? IDK If only I could get a gun I'd shoot myself. Guess thats kinda quick, probably painful for a second then its over. All over. I am not bulletproof.
All I know right now as I lie in bed cba to move looking up at my mouldy ceiling not wanting 2pm to come coz of shit work crying, I just want to die. I wish someone would kill me. like you hear about people getting murdered etc. why cant that be me? I wouldn't be bothered. ID BE GLAD.
...
I feel really alone like friends have just deserted me or they have other things going on.. wish I could spend more time with them. I miss every single one of them. Just to keep me sane.
...

I'm trying to comment on your lovely blogs if im not following any 77 of you let me no nd I will. :)
lots of love
troll face
xx

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Someone said that to me at work t'other day.
Then im in love with kelly clarksons song.
Anyway, I've been umm unwell to say the least these past few days. I got psychotic maybe? I was just so intent on ending it. It scares me when I get that bad. No wonder Patrick left me when I was like that. I've been really crazy I dunno what happened just seems a blur.

My new years eve drunkenness pics. I'm the twat in the maroon dress.
xx

when people say you cant take the t off!...

So confused right now.
I just want to stop, rewind or fast forward. I just dont want to live in the present.
Fuck knows.
I know I've gotta do something but i just dont know.
I went to the docs today complete waste of time. I dnt wanna go back to leeds.
I dont know whats happening with student finance either one minute they say they wont pay next year then today they say they will??
i have no idea anymore.
I really need to talk to someone tbh. Someone just listen.
:'(
I'm sorry. :S
xx

AS promised

I was totally fucked last night! haha i was a bit sozzled like.
Twas a good nite tho :')
met a cute guy but you no he was a dick like all the fucking rest of them.
I practically poured myself all over him after he told me i was gorgeous.
My head feels sooo bad and i wanna  throw up! haha stupid bitch
ive gotta pick up all my shit from uni tomorrow 4 hr car journey there and back should be lovely hope we dont end up in staines this time fucking hell mother.
Wow thanks for the comments on a previous post.
I wanna die more than ever. I miss them.

U knoow when theres a massive gapin hole in your life because the people who saved me last time arent here. I just want someone to save me to listen to cope with me when im on the verge of suicide to bring mee back from the edge and not fucking turn it into something else? you no? im ashamed that i still love the people who dont give a shit anymore.

ive got another assesment in 2 weeks wow ive had like a million the plan is to get hospitalised :) because i cant be arsed anymore. fucking waste of space i am.

happy new year
xx