Everybody wants to bee a cat!

URGH!
Man i feel rooooooough!
I was drinking vodka shots  not good
well last night verdict?
A bit pants - Helen's got this 17 yr old following her hes called jake n ov course we ad 2 meet him didnt we outside burger jims so he spent the whole night with us wtf?! i was so annoyed n yeh it gets better coz he dunt bring out any id wi him does he what a complete arsemunch!
So helen had to all night ask ppl 4 id to get him in everywhere which obv no 1 wud it ruined my eveing coz after we paid £6 pound 2 get into priory it wo shockingly bad i went to the toilet n he started kissing her! OMG as if he did then he like kept on trying to talk to me wen helen went to get gareth n he kept tryin to warm me up but i wo like fuck off god sake ur bwt 2 u no?
Then went to walkabout which every1 gets id so he didnt get in then he starts making helen feel bad saying hes cold outside but wat a cock as if u come out wi out id n just tag onto us to make our nite shit n i paid £10 for me n helen to get in 4 bloody nothing i tried to smuggle her n him bk in through fire exit but i got caught :P lol
but as if right i got into walkabout wi some good looking ppl in it n i leave after 10 mins probs what a fucking joke
he also spent his money so he cudnt get ome so he had to sleep at helens ! cheek
sorry rant over!
tbh after writing all that it wasnt a good nite at all im really angry
n i feel like shit! Ive had 2 slices of toast this morn aswell which is making me feel guilty
plus im at a plateau of 45kg i need to loose 5 but i av no idea how i dnt think ill even loose any even if i do a fast
bollocks bumole wanker hha im still abit drunk u no well a bit light headed
Lessons learned;

• Dont go priory
• dont get too drunk so i lay on a pool table
• be unique every1 wo cats :(
• start to drink water after the night my mouth is disgusting so ...furry haha

i dnt no wat to do today ive invited zainab over but she wants to come for 4 but i wanted to go to the rocky horror thing or just curl up n die i think the latter is better
man oneself is a mess
xx

My thighs are huge!

This pic makes me wanna cry! .

My favourite song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZvBcqY5ZjE


Aeris &#2989

Life is SHIT!

I dont think ive felt this depressed since the days where it all started 2 years ago. 2 Years ago i cant believe ive been this sad for soo long. How little progress ive made but experienced so much love,loss and desperation. The New York trip has really really got to me i keep thinking how i should be in new york right now and how im stuck here in this shitty town, doing the shitty same old routine with the same shitty ppl. Me still whinging on how crap and miserable my life is. I'm sinking back into my old ways hiding in my room, crying all the time, being physically respulsed everytime i walk past a mirror, self harming, exercising, restricting, and hating my life. I've even got Riverdale ringing wanting me to go 4 an assessment again! How do i get myself into this pit of misery i dont know. All i know is the only thing pushing me forward is the anorexia telling me to corrupt my body.With the more i restrict the more in control i feel and the more i want to become thinner. I've lost 5 and a half ponds this week i feel so weak and lethargic i havent been able to do my work all  can think about is food and how ive got to loose weight, planning avoiding food and exercise.

I need help .

POt OFF!!!

Woop cannot wait to get this thing off! im really scared tho of how they are guna get it off eek!
Im going to see thee old owl film today hopefully it will be good i cnt concentrate at all atm so i hope i dont get occupied wi food n cravings!
Scales today was 46kg!!! yay thats the first time ive lost 1kg in a day n i didnt even have to fast :)
 i m not gunna stop until i PASS OUT :P
tis true :)

• Breakfast=2 melba toast, juice,banana
• Lunch nothing watchin film
• Tea=cupa soup/sandwich? i duno if ill be able to get away wi it today :(
• Snacks erm nope hopefully i wont spoil a good thing but then again its fat me!

I really really wanna know what i weigh wi out the pot at the most i think the pot might weigh 1kg but thats pushing it ??? IDK
Nikkis book is so painful its like im being dragged into it all the things she says about it relates sad times but at least its giving me motivation prbs not the desired effect she had in mind tho
Thats it for now i think i mite post later i need to take a pic of this pot a token of my misery ..

Depression

The depths of despair...
2 words THAT feeling
I'm really sad, miserable, hopeless, Fat supposed anorexic!

I want someone to save me
save me from this torture i want to be free from this
Its FaR from over its never guna be over
Never!!
Im always gunna be miserable whats the point of being here???

Pat thinks hes a very happy man!...

My life has officially hit an all time low!
i woke up this morning to postman pat theme tune how fucking depressing is that please??
deary me
anyway plans for today!

• going shopping hopefully to parkgate or sheff hopefully both but we'll see
• no dinner
• breakfast=fruit salad
• tea=cup-a soup and some weight watchers bread

To my exact thought i am getting to into Nikki Grahames book ive read about how she was institutionalised at the lowest and i so want to get back to mine the scales this morning sed i was 47kgs that a stone i need to loose to get back to my lowest! im going to get there i need to i need to feel that sense of destruction again
i feel i need something in my life to remeber the fightfor survival i want to live throught the state of non existing to make the living worthwhile
that probs makes no sense whatsoever but i just need an illness i need something ...
i cut last night for the 1st time in like absolutely ages i dnt know why i felt so complelled to do it but i was looking on PA with the pics n ive been wanting to do it for ages but last night i just had to start again n it felt amazing to feel again
plan for halloween are coming good tho helen n me r going round town n dressing up i cnt wait i hope its good and i dont have a crap night - a goulish disaster is not what im anticipating
hopefully a vampire will sweep me off my paws(think im dressing up as a cat!) ...

Could have done better!

well the plan sort of worked
Food eaten:

• 2 melba toast
• 33 cal hot chocolate
• glass of pineapple n coconut juice
• celery soup n 3 slices of bread
• 1 slice of bread wi lemon curd
• 1 slice of bread wi pickle
• cheese n cucumber sandwich
• couple of foamy sweets

FUCK! wen ive listed its sooo much more than planned
note to self must try harder n not to look through recipes n dont go food shopping
TOO MUCH TEMPTATION + NO SELF CONTROL
riverdale grange rang again today im not going back to that shitole!
need to loose weight need to loose weight need to loose weight!
no more today thats it !
update 2morrow for the days plan oh how tedious i am 2 days till pot off thank god!
xx

Yet another pitiful attempt to loose weight #lost count!

So monday morning start of the week
how much of a shit week is it this week i wonder?
100 sit ups
melba toast + water for breakfast check!
i plan on only eating celery soup today
got on the scales this morning just like i do every morning to my absolute horror i weigh 47.5 kg thats 7 n a half stone!!! fucking hell im so fat the binging stops ! i cnt believe ive let myself get this bad i need to get a grip
anyway plans for today i think i need some structure to stop me eating weight watchers biscuits 100 cals each 4.9g fat or toasted white bread fuck fuck fuck im already thinking bwt binging and its ten past 9 on monday
i need to b strong especially when an assessment is probably inevitable this week
FML
so plan sorry a bit off track well
10- get dressed + wash hair
read book
opefully go out food shopping maybe
erm do some work the choice is plentiful as i have tons
*sigh* my life is sooo shit
xx

Sundays=the shittest day of the week

I went to Thames valley university yesterday. Well lets just say it was dissapointing. Just like evrything in my life. I hate that i can't go to new york becasue of this fucking illness(anorexic scince sept 2008)
Contemplating the whole week ahead seen as its half term this week. I really want to loose weight this week but tempation is going to be soo hard. I hate being at home but scince i have broken my foot its gunna b a nightmare trying to get out. I think im going to start reading Nicki Grahames book. Hopefully that can give me some hope ..either way.
I hope i dont have to go 4 an assessment this week im fucking huge.
Plan;

• Read books
• Eat melba toast and only have soup 4 dinner
• never go over 1000
• opefully weigh under 45 with pot on
• start hiding food AGAIN need to stock up on carrier bags
• oh n get my room finished n need to put the rose canvas up to cheer me up

Lets hope it goes well
xx