We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting.
Charles Bukowski
I want this hug! every EVERY night I dream that someone holds me like this :'(
...
OMG i saw adam yesterday! ( the guy I met in july after I finished school) It was sooo awkward. Its put me on a real downer. 1 coz I looked shit and 2 he ignored me last time I tried talking to him (pet hate/act cannot FUCKING STAND!!!!) It just made me feel like shit. We had both seen eachother but he messed with his hair awkwardly as he walked past me in the car outside the supermarket. ugh ffs I hate my fucking life!
Fuck off and die englishrose u fat piece of shit!!!!! argh
This week has been hectic but I find that I'm just clock watching all the time but idk what I'm waiting for? For the day to be over? To lose more weight? To get closer to my holiday? I've no idea. All I know is the days are dragging and nothing is really getting better nothing really makes me content with life. As you can tell depression is bad atm.
...
Well my interview went ok I got in! I found out yesterday. I should be happy right? I should have told everyone that I've got 3 offers and that my life is finally going somewhere right? No.. no one cares enough to ask and I keep doubting myself that I'll fuck up and wont be able to cope again and this time the uni I wanna go to is even further away :(.
...
I've got another job! sure the tax man will make me pay for that little gem ugh I cba to sort it out again I go 1 1/2 hrs a week as a visual merchandiser for jewellry at the place where I work at mainly the supermarket so that should be fun!
...
I've wrote my first article for a mental health charity I've been training with last night it was about Frankie from the saturdays admitting her battle with depression mirror article in the link...
I dnt think its good enough it was under the word limit but I've emailed it to them today.
...
I went to the docs yest saw my old GP which was nice she really understands me and coz I've seen her loads she doesn't ask me stupid questions. She gave me anti- depressants but only 7 days worth coz I'm not trusted with a months. I went to the chemist n I've got to pay for my prescriptions every week :( expensive! Then the till lady was like why has the doctor done that? thats stupid you shouldnt be expected to pay every week but I wasn't gunna say coz I mite OD probs certain if they give me the whole lot. Then ugh she told my next door neighbour bwt it and she obv knew why coz shes a chesmist lol it was so embarrassing and then coz there was a long queue she said she would bring them round later and she gave them to my mum! eeks thank god she hasn't confiscated them or asked me about them.Awkward.com. Had my first one today and I've got the biggest headache ever and I felt so sick. Anyway hopefully she'll help me get IP hopefully!
...
My neice has just fell off the sofa she screamed and screamed it was all my fault coz i put her there and I got up and wasn't watching her. Thing is I dont feel guilty. I'm such a horrible person aren't I shes only a baby and but I just get so annoyed by her I mean I picked her up straight away and gave her to my sis but idk I'm just fucked up atm.
Umm thats pretty much it I guess apart from I'm starving but progress is slow i think I'm plateauing now :( sucks!gotta gotta gotta gotta keep going!
thankyou for the comments again and please no more ppl to delete blogs I'll miss you!
xx
Monday, 26 March 2012
Im scared just really really scared,
Im guna fuck tomorrow up, Ive been crying all day about it even now, i cant do anything coz im just so so depressed, i didnt even want to admit it on here but im so depressed you have no idea, if i dnt get an offer tmoz im guna melt down seriously i honestly cant cope anymore and no one nos im so suicidal, how the fuck can i survive tmoz?
ugh i just want some help idk wat to do, please someone help me?
I've lost half a stone in a couple of days.
stats:
5'9
CW:46kgs / 101 lbs
BMI: 14.9
still not enough havent reached my GW1 45kgs. I fucking will get there!!! Even tho its carbs day today. I've been living off...
Breakfast: Apple and can of diet coke
Lunch: Boiled veg
Snack: dried mango pieces.
I want to say thankyou for everyone who commented on my last post. Your words made me shocked. I wish I could see what you see but I dont I really dont. :( It means alot tho for you to say such wonderful things tho so thankyou beautiful people!
I've got a crazy week ahead of me I've got MON WED FRI 7:30-2:00 working ugh. Tuesday gotta get up early to go southampton for my last uni interview I cant fuck this up coz I really wanna go there. But I get back at 11 at night only to get up at 7:30 next day for work. :( But I'm just exhausted from restricting, working and walking talking about fashion is the last thing on my mind atm. I bought pop mag but i cant bring myself to focus on the words they just drift infront of me dancing laughing that i cant understand what they mean :'(. Has pro-plus got calories in them?
...
I'm sick of hallucinating. I can feel bugs crawling all over me. Its so horrible. I'm going to the docs wednesday well GP one that I've seen throught my 5yr depression. I just want drugs to take the edge off stop me going wacko. idk I feel like I'm relapsing pretty bad now. I'm scared to eat all the time. Its just repulsive.
I want someone to hold me like this. On a lazy sunday all day. Only wake to kiss.
I confess im a bloody shopaholic I've spent like £300 on clothes this month :S got my Dms :D I bought 3 albums today :) (yes I am sad i still buy albums) beautiful maccabees orlando melts my heart wow his voice <3 soo sexy
so yeh I got some news today bwt when I'm guna get help not til the 20th of april thats a month away fuck
I'm on the other hand doing well on eating it got off to a bad start this week but I've managed I think to start being a good anorexic girl I'm still majorly fat but things guna change gotta keep going n restricting! guna weigh myself tonite b4 bedtime haha
I'm guna post pics of me today I hope it works as reverse thinspo like ull see me ofc how fat I am and motivate u to loose weight with me roughly my weight is somewhere between 7 1/2 -8 stone :'( i mite post my weight actual tmoz eeks
enjoy ....then I wonder why I have no1 to love me...coz I'm a fat fucking ugly shit...
So do I but at least I admit it. That I'm loyal. I did everything I could for you. Starting to wish I didn't.
Not now.
What is the fucking point?
Refuse to get hurt again.
By you, for you.
I let the devil in and you made it worse.
For all the times you said you'd never leave me well guess what?
I'm leaving you.
I haven't decided yet but I think I mite take a break from blog. Just dont write anything productive or positive. Not what I need right now. I just dont no what to do with my pathetic life. Zapfire thanku for the comment its made my day.
I love lil wayne I think his voice is so sexy and husky and his tatts are <3.
Well I actually feel ok :) for once.
After my interview on tuesday which was a disaster I ended up crying on a platform home desperate to jump in front of it. I felt so down you no? I'm crying now as I write this. eeks
...
I really duno what to do about uni anymore in the interview they were so nasty like I shud be begging them for a place but I wasn't and they were like what designers do you like? etc but i was like umm i mean what fashion student doesn't follow designers etc. ugh I'm such a dickk.
...
Things got a bit better. I feel so much better having you back hun. Just need people to talk to.
...
I only feel better coz I'm guna get an article I wrote published for a charity so hopefully it mite help ppl really hope it does. Read here.
...
Mothers day tmoz ugh hate mine had to force myself to buy a card. I got these amazing roses tho! I mite post a pic.
LOVE roses can ya tell ? Going for a meal with my sis tmoz its her first mothers day.
St Patricks day even more annoying! always reminds me of him.
This is a really crap post sorry.
Zainab I miss youI love my best friend of 7years I want you back zainab I miss you so much! remember all the good times how we fucking stayed together when everything around us were falling apart? I miss you so much...
Greg I miss being annoyed by you how we used to talk bwt old collo how much I hated her and I hope your really happy in salt lake but please dont forget me...
Tash I miss you I miss how you would pick me up when I felt utterly miserable I miss dancing with you I miss uni...
Patrick I love you thats all I fucked up I get it ok? made the biggest mistake of my life I just want you back...
Sarah what the fuck happened?? I hate that we drifted apart that it just went tits up I miss talking to you...
Troy idk what I can say. You know I love you that despite what I said I push ppl away to make them stay thing is you left and I dont blame you for chosing drugs over me I just wish I meant more to you that I meant the same as you meant to me...
People in my life or have been correction dont realise how much I need them. How much I love them. Please dont go...
Wow
I really duno wat to say. But I know I just have to post really bad. I really dont care anymore.
I was really depressed yesterday. Sundays are always really bad. Work dragged. I dont normally work sundays for that reason. Although I was supervising most of the day weird coz I dont have a clue what I'm doing. Then when I got in I just cried for the best part of 5 hours.
I watched sylvia <3
I felt in that mood.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never - -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything."
"We're not even two people. Even before we met, we were just these two halves, walking around with big gaping holes in the shape like the other person. And when we found each other we were finally whole. And then it was as if we couldn't stand being happy so we ripped ourselves in half again."
Those two quotes are the most amazing words ever. They are unbelieveably beautiful. Don't you think?
It reminds me of me and patrick. Like wow this is guna be painful...we were never going to be together because we loved each other too much he couldn't contain me or be there like ted and sylvia. I love him so so much. I feel this overwhelming saddness. I tend not to think of him because I dont want to remember that night.
...
So I just cried in the bath again for over half an hour then laid in bed crying as well. It's pathetic but I still dont feel any better. Dan text me. Hes the only person who genuinely cares. But idk its not fair I always pour my heart out to him. Idk how he makes me do it.
I honestly dont have any friends anymore. I think thats whats making me sad. Like I just feel incredibly alone. I really dont know how u can just cut me out of your life when all I feel is this black hole you've left..
...
I think I like someone at work he asked for my blog link can u imagine him reading this? I think I'm just overthinking tho coz I'm lonely.
...
I bought more paracetamols saturday. I'm waiting to OD find the right oppourtunity to. I wish I was in a pact so I wouldn't do it wrong. Just want to die right now. Right now.
Coco...
I watched coco before chanel on monday night as inspiration for my interview it was beautiful how they speak. I mean wow I love a french accent makes my yorkshire one crapp. And omg the outfits I love the way Audrey is simply beautiful and the androgenous look was amazing on her. I duno if the love story was real between her and boy but it was really sad. But it gave me hope and I really wanna be famous like her. Really quirky and just different.
Bow ties...
So tuesday went for my interview.My portfolio folder is massive no joke carrying that around all day killed my arms. They still hurt now writing this. So this woman with a bow tie was really nice viewed my portfolio n then interviewed me. Tbh I duno how it went I kept stuttering a really bad habit when I'm talking to new people when I'm nervous. But she seemed more interested about why I left uni b4 and asking if my family was supportive.The only fashion questions were about designers which I'm nt really fussed I like highstreet thats all I can afford n I hate when ppl are snobby bwt labels. Anyway I get to know by the end of this week which I'm nt hopeful. Rejected again. I know my portfolio is really weak. I'm shit.
Ugly
UGLY
UGLY
UGLY
Old men...
At work yesterday a man I always see on my wednesday shift always comments how I dont work and I just stand there but I watch self service. He stood behind me and said "so you do actually do some fucking work then" then I turned round n he stood smirking at me ugh I had to ignore him else I would have cried but I do work really hard. It may not be 9-5 or whatever but I do what I'm told and I always try cleaning and tidying the shopfloor I hate that I just stand there but its my job to assist self service machines. I hate that i'm justifying myself now.
Anyway I think my diets going well I always go to bed hungry and my stomachs flatter guna weigh myself tomorrow hope to god I've lost couple of kgs. Got my app to see a nurse friday hopefully get some help. :)
xx
Juss coz ur old u think ur wise, who the hell are you tho? did I even ask for your advice? You wanna keep your mouth shut, you wanna take your thoughts as wel,l coz I'm doing it my way and do you think I care??
Lil bit of Lily Allen for you there alright still?
Monday morning wow.
I'm guna write a realllly long post I can feel it.Got alot of shit that I need to express :L
So I went to london on friday it was a complete disaster! I met my husband he text me b4 saying hes guna take me somewhere special. Guess where he took me! ugh a bloody food market can you imagine an ex anorexic in a food market it was actually revolting it was in a proper rough area of london as well I could of actually cried when he took me thru a tunnel towards it. He kept saying as well what do you want to eat were guna have food I was like I want to run away to the river now! In the end he took me to a pub I had soup but I had no idea what flavour it was made me so on edge. Then we talked for quite abit. He judged me so much for working at a supermarket and how I'm still living at home etc. made me feel so small. Then he started talking about friends with benefits and how we should try it. I was like nooooo!!!! ugh weirdo He made me go back to victoria together I couldn't get rid of him I was just like leave me and go back to waterloo coz he thought my coach left at 4 when really it was 5 I couldn't bear the awkwardness any longer. Then I started to panic had to hide in WHSmiths to get away from him paranoid that he was following me. Then I went back on the tube to oxford street and had a panic attack. :( So yeh it was a disaster wish I never went to see him. Hes now deleted in my contacts.
...
I want to tell the person I saw at my app. couple weeks ago bwt the hallucinations. We keep ringing and missing each other. But I'm scared to, I think I'm guna ask for her email address coz I dont want to say it out loud. I'm so ashamed of everything. Like last night I tried strangling myself. Its quite a good way to kill yourself. I could feel the blood stopping. My head felt massive. I just want out. I really do.
...
I've got my first uni interview tomorrow I'm not prepared at all tbh I couldnt give a fuck I want to write on my blog more than get ready for it. Pathetic. I know I'm not guna make it. waste of time. I have nothing in my life that I want to do. Feel lost. All I can think about now is how I wanna die what can I do to kill myself. Its just on repeat all the time allday everyday.
...
Starting a new diet today with a person off pt <3 I began to hate that site like this guy has added me and is asking girls what makes them happy I mean wtf! creep. Anyway the diet is 600cals and sit ups 200 morning and night. No meat/fish. I try to be vegan. So glad I've found someone to diet with. That reminds me to do my stats.
5'9
starting weight 49kgs 108 pounds I know thats really shameful. BMI 15.9
GW1 45kgs
GW2 40kgs
GW3 38kgs
Ill probablythink of more to say in a couple of hrs but for now feel abit better. Guna have to get ready even though I haven't washed my hair in days. I dnt wanna get dressed feel sore self harmed on my hip nd arm.
xx
Some days I just wanna stay in bed.
Days where I cant face even interacting with people.
days where I wanna cry.
i dont want to play this silly little game anymore.
I can feel myself falling deeper into depression now.
I want to run away. I'm going to london tomorrow hopefully I'll get murdered, I'll have a horrible coach crash, I'll jump of the bridge into the thames and drown into blisful freedom.
I would do anything just to die right now.
I want to make a suicide pact with someone.
Anyone? sure google will show me the right direcion.
