Hold On, We're Going Home...

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive...

80s baby xx

Do old scars ever stop hurting?...

I'm really stressed atm my skin is terrible i could be mistaken for a pizza right now.
...
So I went to Dublin for my 21st with my friend who turned 21.
Was Amazing and very crazy.
Anyone who hasn't visited Ireland must simply have to go! NOW haha such a cool place.
I went to see Micky Flanagan and if u dont know who that is I implore u to go and check him out.
I had a one night stand well I met a guy in a club he walked me bk to my hostel and coz I was staying with a friend we did it in the shower and I scraped all my back from it. Was in agony all last week. It hurt but idk why I didnt tell him to stop you knwo when ur in the moment and u dont want to disappoint them. I just dont get sex.
...
Uni is going really shit. I can't quite believe I'm still here. I can't really do the work well. I just think I'm really shit at it. :(
...
I'm so fed up in counselling as well she keeps saying she wants to touch base with my doctor but I'm like whats the point because I'm never going to the doctor coz they are shit. She just wont drop it and its pissing me off.

I feel hopeless.
It scares the hell out of me.
ER
xx

Don't know what I might do...

"I have scars on my hands from touching certain people."

- J. D. Salinger 

I'm living in a hell.
You might not know the ins and outs of my situation but I can tell you this is the closest thing to absolute misery...

So I fell out with this girl called L. She had been a dick all year proper bolshy and just basically not nice. Did a photo shoot with her said my make up made her look like a prostitute and she would hardly let me do her make up.
Then I just wanted to distance myself from her. Then we had an argument over text when I saw she uploaded images of her and our two friends saying besties when she completely left me out. So it kicked off and we haven't been the same since. back in December I signed a contract til June 14 to live in a house with her and her two friends.
As you can imagine its been awkward living here.I lock myself in my room most of the time. I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the one in the wrong. I cant breathe here they had a go at me for 'banging' doors and just stupid stuff which makes me more nervous and so I drop things and tip toe about. It seems madness when I'm paying £85 a week to live here excl. bills.
I don't feel like I have a true friend here. I feel so trapped and isolated.
I just want to go home.



All my love,
ER
xx

I got my red dress on tonight Dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight...

"I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I." Sylvia plath

I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be...

#



Between sleep and awake its a mental torture.
I can't stand it here.
And I can't leave this hell.
I just want to cry myself into oblivion.
ER
xx

simmer down and pucker up...

I'm sorry I've neglected you. My lovely wall of arms. maybe no one reads this anymore maybe I will just be talking to myself but here goes....

Summer has been so long, so beautiful, and so awful. people have come and gone. I wouldn't say I'm over mark still. I really dont wanna be with anyone else. maybe I just repel men that's why no one can stand me.
There was Rob bit geeky not my usual type. We met up and he kept saying this is really awkward. I told him about depression and he told me that I was making a big issue about it and that he couldnt be who I wanted him to be. Despite me saying I dont need anyone to save me he left and the Marylin Monroe quote echoing in my head, "if you can't handle me at my weakest you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". I love it.
...
Then I went on holiday. It was good but as soon as it came I knew uni loomed again.

I really didnt want to come home was awful on the plane journey home. My niece wouldn't sit still. I love them kind of holidays just sitting lounging near a pool not giving a fuck. Take me to the beach and I'll be eternally happy.

And so its my birthday today. Back at uni hating every minute. i don't know whether its depression or something that I've done and karma is being a bitch but it is just horrible here cant tell u how shit it is.

ER

XX