i dont no much about guns but i got shot by you...

sat in my room getting ready to go out...

dressed as a cowgirl

stupid me has forgot to bring cowboy boots to uni

all i have is brogues

sucks :/

...

Its my birthday tomorrow :'( all alone.

xx

Still alive but im bearly breathing...

I dont know how things are going atm i'm just like in a daze. Feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything. I keep thinking of stuff i need to do but i cant remember what i need so i just keep thinking and thinking and adding to the list.
University is so stressful.
Its my birthday on saturday 1st october. Hating the thought of it. I'm alone. Fucking ALONE!!
no one cares no one ever will or does. Im a fucking waste of space!!!!! argh
...
Gots c the doctor tomorrow apparently she wants to discuss my blood results like i care. Gym tonite hopefully do a 2hr session. i need to just get on with it. Im going mad sat here.
...
I want to be dead i dont want to be here at all. i wanna dissapear into nothing please.
xx

Something good can work...

There's a spanner in the works you know,
you gotta step up your game to make to the top.
So go!
Gotta little competition now,
you're going to find it hard to cope with living on your own now.
Uh oh!
Uh oh!

Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.
And you know that it will.
Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want.
Took a little time to make it a little better,
it's only going out, just one thing and another,
you know!
You know!

Took a little time to make it a little better,
it's only going out, just one thing and another,
you know!
You know!

Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.
And you know that it will.
Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up but It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want.

Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.
And you know that it will.
Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up but It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want.

Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.
And you know that it will.
Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up but Its been alot to change but you will always get what you want

xx

Half in love with elizabeth...

went out last nite twas gd :) flatmates are nice
still awkward tho
...
went to the freshers fair tday got loads of leaflets
best thing 1 weeks free gym membership hell yeh :D so happy cant wait to go the gym loves it
anyway
feeling better today not as omg i hate it here just chillin nothing majorly wrong
gotta keep positive
easier said than done for sure
xx

masks...

My insecurities are gettin to me. I just hate being in a large group i just feel like im not there im just a shadow you no like they dont think im there and im not. I dont contribute anything coz i av nowt valid t say. Argh and ive just spent £25 to go out with these ppl FUCK! why am i such a dick?
I wanna look good no feel good tonite idk what to wear. A new face maybs not this miserable  shit face.
"big sigh*
i walked for a bit today up to putney it was nice just that i feel so self conscious. And i feel a binge coming on
im so depressed.
i joined facebook again big mistake i hate it.

argh i wanna go tsleep n never wake please!

I wnat to be valued as a person not be a boring twat.
I want to be the person who generates convos and adds jokes.
Why cant i be what i want ? Im too scared of the consequences
really shitty mood
xx

whats really pissing me off is i haven't brought any scales to uni i cant afford to buy more or join the gym.
I wanna just be able to weigh myself so it will spur me on to loose weight. I think ive lost a little maybs a pound but i want more this weight needs to DROP off me. I hate it. Worst thing is ive got cellulite from eating like a pig on acid all summer so i hope to god that i loose it.
...
Still no friends. I've come to the conclusion that i am a definate loner and no1 wants to speak to me so yeh. Unbelieveably sad atm. I wish i could have the courage to just sit in the kitchen and eat n get talking. Its so annoying that the only communal area is the kitchen the one place a girl with an issue with food doesnt want to be. I think its a catch 22 situation? lol idk if ive used that in the right context. Like i wanna meet ppl but that means eating in the kitchen but coz im resticting i dont eat therefore i dont meet ppl make sense?
...
I have a subject briefing today so glad im gettin outta here. I feel like a recluse. wait i am a recluse.
I think i mite txt a girl on my course so we can meet. Hopefully she'l want to not say no. EEks.
Then i enrol. And ive got a docs app at 2 i have no idea what to say. i want to be reffered to ed services but then again i dnt i wanna do this without any1 to stop me? argh idk
...
i did the most stupidest thing yest i emailed adam idk why i guess i just wanted to speak to him again. he ant emailed bk so yet again im the desperado :'( fuck!!!!
...
I met up with my best friend yest which was a HUGE RELIEF i cried when i met her at asda thats how homesick i am. We wnet to a park and tried to get pissed while it was dark. Yesy we did it were such tramps lol.
Hope every1s having a better time than me
xx

Does she even exist?

Someone said this outside my door.
I wish i didnt exist :'(
I wish i was dead.

I'm sat in my new room at university crying.
I dont wanna go out in the corridor coz idk wat to say.
I think everyones gone somewhere.
I'm so so lonely.
I haven't made ANY friends!
Everyone is ignoring me. IDK wat to do !
:'(

London calling...

I'm leaving YOU behind.
I'm not sorry i'm GLAD.
You've held me back for too long.
I want to survive and i cant with YOU.
You hurt me.
Probably beyond repair.
But i'm still here.
So fuck you!
A fresh start. A fresh me.
Without your poison.
It's me aganist them and i dont need your help anymore.
I'm stronger, better, braver than what you made me.
"The only thing that was ever ugly about me was you"


IAM IAM IAM

This is me.

Then.

The sun goes down the stars come out and all that counts is hear and now...

I have a beautiful niece!
:D
maybs put a pic up later.
I was there at the birth and it all happened so so fast. 1.31am 12th sept on her due date i cant believe it!
For the first time even i cried tears of joy. It was a WOW moment hehe
All her clothes are too big for her even though shes a healthy weight.
Shes got these adorable bumble bee pyjamas. Aww its lovely. I got my sister some flowers coz babys middle name is a flower. Not rose but it should be lol. I'm thinking of taking some red roses to uni just that it will cheer me up. I could look at them all day long so delicate and vivid. Full of life.
I think i should of been a florist instead, it was always my back up plan, maybs one day i'll own a boutique in paris that just sells expensive roses and beautiful vintage clothes. Wow i love that idea.
...
My "dad" spolied it for me tho shouting at me through the phone all the names under the sun. I hate him.
What an absolute waste of space. The only thing that was ever wrong with me was him.
...
I finsihed work :) twas sad really gunna miss every1 they were like a family to me i could always have a laugh with them. And they really made me feel sane. I got 2 cards, a diary and some chocolates it was soooo nice of them. Guna miss richard my supervisor and tbh im guna miss self scan bitch and putting the fags out. That was defo the best job haha idk why just that everything was ordered and idk i just liked it. I think i'm weird haha
...
I've finally got all my stuff for uni bar a bag. I cant believe i ant got one! I'm like the queen of bags. I put way too much crap in them so all of them are damaged and i want a new un. Think i mite treat myself to RI :)
Got to do some paperwork and get things together. I'm so nervous i dnt think i'm guna like it tbh i wont make friends they'll all hate me and think i'm boring.
...
Went out out last nite wasn't as pissed as id like to have been :P. And i didnt get to have a cheeky dance with a stranger so that made me bummed out. But im really really gunna miss the girls they are so funny absolutely love my friends. I'm going out again tho to say gdbye to work ppl on thurs but were going to adams work i hope to god i dont see him. I'm dying to see him yet i dont want to see him knowing that i'm not good enough for him and way out of his league. damn hes so sexy!! haha
oh well
much love everyone idk why but i think ive lost some blogs so if im nt following gimmie a link to ur blog n ill follow youhoo :)
xx

First love, Last love, The only love...

It just HIT me and i froze.
The fimilar intro.
The rush of emotion despair,love,hate longing.
I loved him so much
That song. It was so perfect for us.
I've tried not to think about him in a long time. Yet i still get shaken by that song.
It makes me cry everytime it comes on the radio and i get our relationship crumbling to nothing.
It was one of those 'i'll love you forever whenever you hear it songs'. Now i cant bear to even say his name.

What is love but the strangest of feelings?

A sin you swallow for the rest of your life?

You've been looking for someone to believe in

To love you until your eyes

She lives by disillusion glow

We go where the wild blood flows

On our bodies we share the same scar

Love me wherever you are

How do you love with a fate full of rust?

How do you turn what the savage tame?

You've been looking for someone you can trust

To love you again and again.

How do you love in a house without feelings?

How do you turn what the savage tame?

I've been looking for someone to believe in

Love me again and again

She lives by disillusion's glow

We go where the wild blood flows

On our bodies we share the same scar

How do you love on a night without feelings?

She says love i hear sound i see fury

She says love's not a hostile condition

Love me wherever you are

Love me wherever you are

Love me wherever you are

Wherever you are

Great way to start the day eh?

xx

Who do you think you are collecting your jar of hearts...

Sat here wondering how i actually got here.

Like actually here.

September is always difficult.

Its almost like winter depression is taking over me even more so than the other time of year with depression.Winter always seems to be the hardest.

You know?

It just brings back alot of memories.

My birthday.

My suicides.

Christmas.

New year.

I just feel this overwhelming saddness returning like a friend u cant get rid of.

An annoying one at that.

It's hard.

Unbelieveably so.

I'm scared ill be alone forever.

I'm scared no one will love me.

...

I did my account thankgod thats off my back.

Need to order my bedding in store.

I'm just waiting for a delivery for my computer equiptment.

I need to get in the bath and wash my hair to go to work but i cant until they come.

I feel so skanky :P lol

I love baths.

Met up with sarah yest we went for a walk it was nice.

To just talk without being falsely happy.

I'm glad i have that with someone.

She told me that ppl slit their wrists in the bath so the cut wont heal.

Tempting.

Very.

I feel like im running up to this big event.

Anticipation is the worst isnt it?

But i dont think i want to go.

I do but i dont.

I hate being alone.

I wont make any friends.

I'll just be the fat girl in the corner.

The mute again.

Ever feel like history is just repeating.

I wish i could be dead.

I wish

I wish

I wish

...

Its like WOW you know?...

I never thought i'd get even 1 person to follow my blog.
I've hit the 50 followers mark!
Wow thanks to anyone who has ever read or commented on my little blog.
It means alot.
Thankyou.
...
I'm a little overwhelmed... uni stuff is so confusing and i know i'm guna miss something vital or something that i should of done.
Very stressed atm.
Anyway less than a week left of work thankgod!!!
working 12-8.30 ugh major cba
...
much love
englishrose
xx

I love each and everyone of you lovely ppl.

You dont love me you dont care...

Living for what?

Resticting again.

Plateau.

Scales

Fat

UGLY

I cant upload this fucking picture to either my nat west account to get my free railcard or to uni for my id card.

Apparently its too big a file?

Like i care i dont know what to do i just wanna cry. I havent got another way of uploading a smaller size photo!

HELP

Maybe its coz of the ugliness and im too big

yeh probs.

UGH



I broke down...

I'm exhausted.
      The state of being exhausted; extreme fatigue

      To wear out completely. 

      To drain of resources or properties; deplete.

 

I'm exhausted from working.

I work in a supermarket where its cold like the arctic cold.

I keep saying to my manager i need a fleece but he doesn't care. Instead yesterday he said "everytime i see you you always look miserable" well yeh i do coz im fucking working here. Self scan bitch driving me insane and shivering beyond control. I think i have raynauds. So it makes things worse. So i've got really bad cold from that. I feel like i've been hit with a brick and my face is swollen. I'm really bunged up. Really really not well today or yest. I feel like shit.

I came home and my mum had made celery soup so i was putting that out but the saucepan is really heavy and i cant lift it and so i was like mum can you help me. But then my sister starts shouting saying shes having her dinner and not everything is about you!!!

yet she lets mum put out her dinner. ARGH shes a dick i hate her. So i looked at this soup and thought fuck this. Instantly i was transported back to that 16year old refusing dinnerstormed up to my room. Thinking im not hungry so dont eat you can do a fast today. Dont do it the voice boomed in my head. In the end i forced myself to have a sandwich. That should i shouldn't i feeling returned.

I've lost my appetite thank god and i couldnt taste my morning diet coke so i was like whats the point in eating today? New month new diet? Thin for uni??

...

I've got leeds today after i go to the bank great i hate those kinda things they just confuse me with big words. I haven't filled out my food diary or rule challenge sheet so idk whether to lie or to say i didnt do it :S Someone said to me i should lie. She is a bad influence i keep deleting her but idk i dnt wanna b cruel you know?

...

So after my break down with tea i was in tears. So i rang the most important person in my life. My best friend Zainab. Annd she hasnt got a room in halls at a diff uni near me so idk if shes going or not. Im really down about that coz i cannot survive without her. Plus its just gunna b shit on her and i dont want her to miss out.

...

I watched a 9/11 programme last nite bwt the fire service andd it makes me hate myself that i'm still here when i dont deserve or want to be but people more worthy died that day. It tears me apart that i'm such an ungreateful person and im here. I shouldnt be. If i could swap with anyone i would. I'm sorry for being here.

I cant stop crying just now i'm welling up. I'm a mess a snivelling teary mess.

Zainab(left) me (right)

I cant cope