You've got the blood on your hands...

Me

     <<<------ This is moi.
I cut because i felt betrayed hurt emotionally and i just needed to self destruct abit. I havent cut this bad since idk i cnt remember its that long ago.
It felt relieving to hurt myself i needed to.
My thighs look really chunky do u agree?
Looking at this reminds me brings back the emotions, it never lets me forget how this is me now - a broken bloody mess striving for a number magic number 40. Acheiveable? Impossible is nothing.
This is the murky deceitful underworld i live in no one knows how much i hurt, physically and emotionally. Can you keep a secret? Englishrose is wilting, bleeding the pitiful life out of her. Just gunna stand there and watch me burn? Thats alright bcoz i LOVE the way i lie.


xx

I have 8 yes 8 layers on me n im STILL cold!
I sat in a traffic jam this morning for 1hr 30mins only to walk back home 30mins
FAIL :')
anyways day off school tried to do some work n i ended up on here :P tut tut ano but aww well
im pretty bored gots a couple of things 2 do but cnt bring myself to.
Walking home i felt a pang of hunger the 1st in several days n i thought shit ima gunna binge
well i did a little but not by my usual standards

• 2 melba toasts w. jam
• several jelly babies bwt 300? idk
• celery soup bwt 80 cals w. 2 more melba toasts
• 2 crab sticks 30 cals
• several slices of beetroot 50/100 cals?

total max 700 ish eeks :'( i feel awful
im nt guna eat til 2moz now .
xx

Viciously she sleeps, walks along her lonely beat, she trips falls into it all...

I went to a vintage fair today :)

twas nice and i cudda spent a fortune!

I <3 alice takes a trip

but man i cant have everything

I think i have Raynauds disease

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/dci/Diseases/raynaud/ray_what.html

I got soo cold my hands n feet felt they were being stabbed a million times :(

My mum apologised n i feel abit better but it still hurt they way she betrayed me.

Oh this morning guess what :) im my lowest ive been in absolute ages! 

5'9 @ 42kgs bmi=13.7 eek :D

2 more kgs too go i need to be 40 no stopping til then but then its a race to get to 6st 4 xmas 

xx 

I am the loneliest girl in the world

I dont know where u are or even who u are but all i know is i really really need u right now

PLEASE SAVE ME! :'(

As my cuts multiply, as i fall deeper into this maddening world, i cannot bring myself to the surface drowning in my own misery.

I'm the lowest weight ive been for about a year having a bmi of 13.9 is euphoric yet i dnt think i am living.

I am JUST existing

xx

I feel like shit

Thats beacuse I AM SHIT!
I hate my life
I hate this pretense
I hate myself
I hate my body
I hate my sister
I hate my brother
I hate my "dead" dad
I hate my mum
I hate greg
I Hate skwl
I HATE mrs Collinson
I hate loosing precious time
I hate it when ppl dont stick to a schedule
I hate steve
I hate riverdale
I hate Jo
I hate dr kelly


Im planning on dissapearing then they wont even have to see me as they ignore me anyway. I am nothing. people treat mt like i am worthless . They are right i am worthless

43kgs bmi14
I am one step closer to death
One step closer to freedom
One step closer to loosing all my ambitions and dreams of a future
One step closer being the nobody that fucks up their life just for the sheer hell and pleasure for destruction.

I will become an empty shell to mirror the emptiness of the person i once was.
xx

I want to hibernate!

I'm so freaking coooooolllllllllllllllldddddd!!!!!
i have two hot waterbottles, the fire on, 3 layers on including thermals annd im in bed at half three n im still shivering.
I rang jo (dr Kellys secretary) and she sed that some Mick Booth has to discuss my case or summat ? I was like ive already got funding havent i? she is the most useless secretary there is on the planet. Argh ive waited 6months for IP and quite frankly its ridiculous. Im gunna ring old Mick boy n ask him what the crack is . If hes gunna deny me my IP
FML
Argh do u no what im so annoyed im soo irratable atm im stressed at skwl were still behind at skwl my mum keeps asking what do i want for dinner when she knows im not eating dinners atm i just wanna either cut/suicide/fast til i pass out!
heard that b4? yeh coz im always bullshitting mi arse off
oh n greg keeps doing my hed in always questionning what i say i know hes heard me but he'll say something like aww i thought u sed this blah blah im like stop being stupid ffs! tosser
i ve eat quite alot today Half a bagel mug of horlicks peacan pie-Zainab made it sweets and some beetroot that sounds disgusting + a weird combo lol
idk im just really anxious atm i dunno wat to do with myself
my computer just crashed so i jst spoke 2 mick n he was the most arse ole condescending man ever! he was like the funding is agreed in principal its just whether the trust is going to be able to finace this Ip with the YCED Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders
WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! he sed ill ring up Jo on fri afternoon to confirm the outcome
some people do my nut in
wow i soo need anger management im gunna flip in a min

dont u just love people?

*trying on gorgeous wedged black fur pixie boots in HnM*
woman: "you'll look good in anything with that figure"
Me: (blushing) "thanks"
Woman:"i love ur jacket isn't it beautiful did u get this from here?"
Me; "no Next, thanks"
Woman:"what about ur top wheres tthat from"
Me:(i wore a blouse-school one n i had this big cream bow broach like a bow tie pinned to it i think she thought it was a top) Topshop
Woman: "awhh" *sigh* looks at me in the mirror walks off
i love ppl like that a complement goes along way it defo cheered me up so thank u HnM woman ur a darling<3
...
Someone spoiled my mood tho on the bus this fat woman wi a trolley sat nxt to me well sat on my bag and kept moving on my bag >:( n she was eating chocolate i was like u get that anywhere near me lady ill bee kung fu kicky youu!! :P
haha
xx

All dreams come to an end?

I've had this crazy dream ever since i was young that i wanted to be a model. I no im not pretty or beautiful but i have this weird look and the most successful models are the ones that are photogenic and have a unique look. People have always said to me you could be a model with your long legs and quirky style. Last spring i actually got into a modelling agency and ive been stopped on the street n asked to model. Deep down ive always thought tho im ugly and i've got Fat engraved in my arm which is on the left of the screen plus i'm not exactly thin :(.
I was reading the paper and it was advertising Britains next top model at Manchester (the closest one to me) on wed i really wanna go but ive got school n its the most important year of my life plus i dnt think i can handle the rejection :s But theres something wanting me to go.
Im gunna post a few pics of me modelling for my school work i made the outfit for my Extended project and i got an a* for it. :) Please if any1 reads this tell me what u think i should do and be honest what u think of me.

Im hideous ano.

Fail..*Sigh*
Its just a paper dream :(
xx

BMI 14.4 :D

I said to my mum have u shrunk coz im really tall next to u? *she gets tape measure out*
Turns out im a half cm off 5'9 so bloody hell im gunna say 5'9 ! woop so that makes my bmi lower ive grown bwt 5 cm in a year loving this growth spurt so i calulated my bmi
5'9 and im 44kgs/97 pounds so my bmi is 14.4 its crazy and i can't believe it :)
...
x

SHIT,FUCK,BOLLOCKS!!!! Greg Knows :s

Greg saw me walking home from school today (it like a 7/8mile walk home on really busy roads).
He text me saying "why u walking home u crazy girl" i was like "i do it every fri i like the excersise" n he just sed "just get the bus u insane girl". So i texted him back saying "its wat anorexia has done to me and that i didnt mind walking". - He never texted after that. I think he already knows bwt my ed but i think hes gunna tell everybody u no like in a half jokey/mocking/sarcastic/shocked kind of way. I dnt want any1 to know that i do it im already ashamed of this illness i dnt want ppl to think i walk home coz im crazy. Well its half true i am fucking crazy i was sooo cold my fingers started to get stabbing pains in i nearly got run over and i got beeped like 10 times.
Fuck i just wanna be able to walk home with no judgement i need to find another way to walk home :/ ?
FUCK i knew sum1 wud find out one day but idk im not proud of it but i just dont like being disturbed in my rituals.

Enterprise day= day off :P

Well today is suppose to be this crappy enterprise day where the younger years have to make something and sell it in the afternoon and us the sixth form have to help them or do some bullshit. Every1 i think has decided to bake something so i was like hell no im not helping to make food with teenagers!
I'm quite pissed off with school tbh were so far behind in school its a joke were never gunna cover the syllabus b4 xmas and im getting stressed out about it. Teachers just keep finishing early or saying too much in class so we dont cover the content quick enough its starting to really annoy me. Especially coz i have this weird thing about time and punctuality. I flip out if things aren't done on time or ppl/things are late. Words cant describe how frustrated i get. Anyway they decide to have this enterprise day when were behind pfft. So today hopefully when ive finished replying to every1 on the web ill get some work done :P believe me this is more fun im kinda putting it off haha even tho ive just whinged about it .

I got an offer from uni yest i was so nervous logging onto track my god i thought it was a rejection but the university of east london wants me woop woop i think it might be a first choice but ill have to wait to see the other decisions from the others b4 i make my decisions tho. God im shitting it i dnt think i can decide which to go to. :/

Anyway the scales this morning said just under 45kgs. D: Ive been thinking and i really want to be 6st by xmas this iff i achieve it (haha) will be my ultimate lowest but i really want something to work towards i want to be in control again. I want to stop the bullshitting and be anorexic again. I just need to. On the news this morning i saw this article on if ur parents diet ur more likely to have an ED which shocked me a liitle idk but i just dont think that EDs work like that idk maybe its a kind of manifestation of things. Either way its painful to hear.
So i checked on the bbc news website to find the news story n more depth but i cnt find it but i did stumble across this.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/headroom/emotional_health/eating_disorders.shtml they have links to all different Ed things so check it out i ur interested. Theres a couple of vid clips they were really weird tbh with the want of a better word. They had this woman i think she was called Alex and she suffered from Anorexia she looked really normal and her life seemed quite straight forward normal like you would of never guessed her past. I just don't see myself as getting to that stage or even wanting to. I want to be thin i dnt think i want to recover and it not be a part of me coz its all i know. Idk god it so hard to explain.
xx

From PT

Id like to be hungry, Id like to be starving, Id like to be bones, Id like to vanish.Starvation is the noose I willingly hang myself with.that said; Ive got a long way to go. Good thing I like to savor my suffering.

...This beautifully sums things up. i love it

bad day

Pathetic, i reallly am. I want to rip off the skin on my body disect everything off me muscle, fat skin, blood, tissue. Just to be left with pure skin and bones. <3
I'm gunna look up body disorders i think i have one or just serious fucked up body image.

Zainab said to me today "i think the reason behind your depression is not anorexia but your dad". I don't know whether this is true or not i dont want it to be true coz hes a fucking arse hole. But what if he is? What if it is unresolved childhood conflict as Freud suggests? i dont know what makes me this sad. I dont know if i really want to know. I know though that (even though this probably doesnt make sense) it completes me it is what defines me as a person it is my personality me=these illnessess whatever ppl want to define them as. :/

We met Katy after school we went to costa and i binged. I think its coz im on my period and i have no motivation at the moment i'm alright for one day then the other im back binging. I AM NOT GOING TO START THE FAST/BINGE CYCLE AGAIN!

i just wanna be thin but i dont want the stuggle of getting there but i crave it sooo much.
Its just one of them crappy inbetween days.

*sigh*

I've just seen the coca-cola advert on TV its offically Xmas!!

I'm just sipping my diet coke now 4 for £1 :P
I have this obsession that i have to go into shops like wherever and whenever i'm walking to check the food in there to analyse the calorie content and to generally stare at food lol. Anyway it's weird and i hate it it's like a magnet drawing me in. I hate this obsession with food.
I've binged on pringles aswell the tube just dissapeared! :( urgh i need to chop my scrawny fingers off!! I'm such a twat.
Anyway another argument 4 me being weird is that me n zainab joined the Astronomy club last week. We went agin today its so embrassing, but we got the telescopes out and i saw the moon it was so so beautiful. It looked like u no them bath bombs u get from lush well it was bubbly and createred. I would love to walk on the moon.
I have no idea where this post is going so im gunna hopefully catch up on hollyoaks on 4od or something.
Does any1 watch misfits??
xx

Thankyou to all you lovelies...

xx

I have a face for the radio

An old fave..

You have a face for the radio,
But I know you'd like to see it in a show,
Claiming to be the next best everything,
Which way will you go?

You're a little smarter than most of us,
You run so fast sometimes it's hard to see you for dust,
Finding some time for you, it tortures me,
Which way will you go?

Wages on a Friday,
Spent on a Saturday,
Lend me a fiver,
Won't do that again,
Oh your trust is not to strong.

Your arrogance in a bag,
Won't spare you a fag,
Superstar wannabe,
Says it comes naturally,
Cemented in your own feeble way,

He watches trainspotting, fifteen times a week,
Thinking it's making him oh so unique,
PC on summer nights and football in the rain,
Doesn't matter how far he is,
He always has money for the train,

Nothing against you, love in my heart,
You're really a nice lad, I've known it from the start,
Your conscience in eager, to know where you lie,
Pushing your limits, give it up and remember you can cry.

Wages on a Friday,
Spent on a Saturday,
Lend me a tenner,
Won't do that again,
Oh your trust is not to strong.

You're arrogance in a bag,
Won't spare you a fag,
Superstar wannabe,
Says it comes naturally,
In your own feeble way.



Just watched have i got news for you and they were mocking how the Queen has facebook. What has the world become?
"This pathetic addiction to letting it all out online." is a quote i live by ever since i made a board full of my problems at Riverdale.
This got me thinking how crap it must be to be the Queen. She can never have lazy days like Sundays she cant just put on her sweats and just doss. She's never able to just cook watever she wants. She can never be ratarsed. She is missing out on all the good things in life? haha or Is it that she enjoys her status and doesn't know a life without royalty so she doesn't mind not being "normal"?
I just want to talk to her yno? haha just to ask her plus i wanna hug her like a grandma hug. :P
...
Anyway i'm on the computer coz i had a nap at 6 and woke up bwt 8. :P Damn unipolar depression/aneamia. I'm not tired yet but i feel really sick. It just reminds me of how ill i was at the weekend. I wanna do something at the weekend. I dont think i'm guna go to the training day i've left it too late and i couldn't make my mind up what to do. Maybe i don't think i'm ready yet yno?
Ive been binging well eating more than whats "allowed". I need to loose weight coz next week is bound to be the assessment for Seacroft so i dont want them to reject me for being too big to be classed as anorexic. Need to start loosing scales said 45kg so its not good i think its that time of the month so i wanna delay if i can but i seem to just eat and eat around the time just so i can have one. Pft i hate them.
Anyway tomorrow

• 2 melba toast
• 1  n a half pitta with pepper.
• Low cal hot choc and a yogurt break

Idk why but i am really hungry so that plan may go tits up. ffffo sure. NO
GOt TO GOT TO LOOSE!!!!
xx

Am I a hypocrite?

maybe thats not the right word but pretending to be something im not...
Right i wanna go to this BEAT (eating disorders awareness charity) traning day to become an ambassoador. Its something that people can do to get training in order to deliever presentations to health professionals, schools , youth clubs etc to promote wellbeing and that eating disorders can be recovered from.
But there are problems..

1. I'm not recovered no where near it i'm about to go to a clinic i think :S
2. It's in ldn i'm up north
3. I dunno wat to say to my mum she probs wont let me go seen as last Saturday everything happened.

Please someone suggest what i do i really wanna do this and if i could help or stop someone suffering it would make my fight worthwhile, but i don't wanna tell someone that recovery is best when i dont believe it myself
:S
Help please.
xx

Suicide

So

I think im gunna come out and say it its my blog so here goes...

K so it went sorta like this

I lost control of my illnesses, myself , my life and my sanity.

I tried committing suicide on the 2 year anniversary of the 1st time if anniversary is the right word?

6th November 2008, 6th November 2010

Anorexia is not a best friend,

its like a choke hold on your life detroying ur body, mind and soul.

I couldn't cope anymore living without any hope.

Hope is the only love of life

If we aint got hope whats left?

The sad misery that we are doomed forever??

Like i said b4 in the words of Paul Smith I can't live my life feeling nervous about tomorrow

I wanted to take my life because it felt right no crying for help just bowing out graciously

right?

Wrong despite my best efforts i didnt win/loose this battle

i fight on, i "stay strong" to hope

me and thee need to reconcile

It made me realise that despite how low i was feeling its not the way out

the only way out i to live

until 3rd time lucky???

xx

Sometimes a strong person knows how to let go

Me being not one of them.
I used to be such a different person i am a shadow of her in fact i dont deserve to even call myself that.
Today has really really dragged i sat in psychology watchin a documentary on Stephen Fry being a manic depressant and  it was so so upsetting i could believe that when they were saying some of the stuff like how they felt in the depressed episode exactly descibed me. He interviewed famous ppl who have the disorder and this person who i think was the Queens guard or something like that felt so low he escaped from a mental institution to throw himself in front of an articulated lorry. His legs had to be rebuilt and he showed them and it was the most awful injuries I have ever seen. Then Stephen asked him if he would change being bipolar ? He sed no because the highs were unbelieveable despite having to endure the lows they were worthwhile to experience.
I mean how couragous is that?
Hes such an amazing person, i just thought what the fuck am i doing? Wishing my life away being depressed like 99% of the time. Moaning on here.
It's made me realise I dont belong here not in this world when ppl like that should be living not me.


Zainab said I look really ill today and i looked like i was guna pass out. My answer i know, i'm really tired. She knows, she can read me like a book i'm hurting inside so much she feels my pain. Thats why i love her so much believe me without her my life is worthless i'd be dead way before now.


The scales dropped to just under 45kgs today im getting closer but i need to loose more. Im not ready to let go yet its/im not finished yet. I am not strong enough to let go of the illnessess that are keeping me alive///killing my existance.


xx

Epic Fail!

Well i went to sleep after the post and from bwt 4/5 ish i feel asleep until 10 !!! after the mammoth sleep the hunger pangs kicked in and then i kept tossing and turning i even watched the zone on ITV with QVC cooking utensils specials so they had to demonstrate the items they were selling so they were cooking allsorts. TBH it was kinda like food porn haha
Anyway i finally gets back to sleep at 3 then woke up at 7 n i feel so weak and exhausted still. But i managed a full day fast and i lost bwt 1kg + maybe a bit but...
At about 1200 hours i feel like i was gunna pass out and i opened the sweets im an idiot ano and i am such a twat, fat bastard, arseole im so angry and really shaky coz of the massive sugar rush. But thats life for you theres full of weak oxygen thiefs like me!!!


I think ive made my mind up tho- i cnt cope anymore and 6/11/10 will be the day i commit suicide properly.
So i need to loose as much weight til then mums gunna make me eat tday especially coz i didnt eat yest, its parents evening and im going dancing afterwards. i have 2 options thus are as follows..

1. Make something i.e a sandwich and stash the cunt
2. Pretend to make something and just eat a celery heart that tbh needs eating up O.o.D but then thats extra cals.

OOh decisions decisions fuck fuck fuck why cnt i just be tubed it probs wud be so much easier i dnt want any taste or food in my mouth. Is that so bad??
im so depressed get me out of here!
xx

Next time? THERE WILL BE NO NEXT TIME!!!

Ive planned i wont eat until sun (set up to fail)??
saturday  is 2 years ago i tried  to end it 6/11/08 looking back it was a cry for help but now i wish id took more and done it properly
i dont want to eat until they take me 2 hospital
i dont want to ever put food in my mouth again i cant cope with it
i bought diet coke and sweets i cudnt resist it
i found my all time favourite sweets today the pic below yes i am that sad i took a pic :L

Anyway after buying these i saw 3! really skinny anoreixic girls n i was like who the fuck am i to buy sweets ?
i hate myself i just wish i didnt have to eat my mums gunna make me eat 2nite i can feel it
ive lasted all day without owt i wanna do my fast
FML indeedy
i hate skwl i got back today and it makes me depressed i hate hate hate it!!
I rang Jo Dr Kellys secretary and she says that Hes requested for me to have funding out of area but that was whats gunna appen anyway so argh why doesn't any1 do what was proposed im not goin bk to riverdale the can fuck off!! i hate that god damn place i never wanna c steve again
a bastard is what he is .
Anyway i need to do my ucas i dnt wanna apply ill never get in :( i just wanna go to sleep n never wake up


oh nice to c new followers :)
xx

halloween 2010 :)