We've got our guns and horses...

My last week....

Today started really well starving nearly fainting in the morning that beautiful feeling ive missed.
Until I got this overwhelming feeling of saddness and tiredness. Just binged on snack-a-jacks. Not the worst but still a fucking fail. I can feel my stomach getting bigger. I still cant wear my old clothes. Need to get back there so bad.
...
Preoccupied with thinking about him. Imagine meeting him...hes too busy...where have I heard that before. fucking lies...
...
I cant live like this guna go to the doctors tomorrow to ask for sleeping pills then im guna OD on the weekend with a bottle of vodka for good measure. Liver failure u no u want me babyy...
:') Hopefully it works can u od in sleeping pills?(genuine question)
xx

Halloween 2011

Im the cat in case u dont no lol.
My legs and stomach are HUGE! ugh.
xx

FED UP!!!

I'm going to self harm tonight. I thought things were getting better turns out they are getting worse....

We found love in a hopeless way...

wat a night.....
1. I dressed as a cat and it was a really good night

2. This girl is really thin in my flat ( she used to be anorexic) and every1s worried bwt her coz shes so thin ... making me wanna talk to her bwt it but at the same time I want ppl sayin how thin I am which they are not.

3. Text this person to ask to meet up-he wont do :'(

4. Slightly still drunk with only 3hrs sleep? :/
xx

Keep it together...

Going to get dressed go to ASDA go food shopping try for a last min halloween outfit? I wanted to go as a cat again for those of u who have followed for ages would have seen my cat outfit posted a link to the old halloween post. :)
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com/2010/11/halloween-2010.html
 Anyway ppl said that cats are slutty and every1 is goin as a cat so i dnt wanna plus I dont wanna be on show I wanna cover up and be a total nightmare. I should just go as myself then....
Any suggestions what I should dress up as?
Then I need to read some uni work need to get sorted my life is just a heap of mess atm I need to get back on track I dont want to binge yet I dont wanna restrict but its the only way I'm actually guna loose weight I really wanna loose weight I just cant seem to control myself atm I need to get back there not even if its not that low. Just anything is better than this! FAT LUMP I hate how fat I am.
xx

This would be a good time to stop eating...

NOW please you FAT bitch.

Stuffing your face with calories wont make it better. It Will make you feel worse.
You couldn't even fasten your shorts yesterday so why fucking binge and continue today. Your so fat and ugly!***

***Note to self.

Sometimes saving one is enough...

Since you've been gone...

60 wow really ?
thanks guys :')
yeh so back to proceedings
Last few days have been quite bad. Not only have I been ill but I've also lost some of my sanity. Totally depressed I dont think anyone can beat me in this!!! Not a challenge tho :) haha
Anyway I stupidly went to the past again when the fuck am I gunna learnt to keep it there and not drag it out? Stupid Stupid Me.
 still love him so much.Like more than words can say im crying now just thinking about him.
Stressed at Uni I want to crawl into a corner and hide.

xx

I did something really stupid...

Then you kissed my lips and you saved me...

This is BULLSHIT.

I'm sorry. I cant do this anymore...

I cant go back even though i try...

Life isn't what I expected.
I want friends but at the same time I wish everyone would leave me alone to die.
I want a degree but at the same time I couldn't care less if I wake up tomorrow and worked in a factory.
I want to be thin but at the same time I want food.
I want to be happy but at the same time this depression is so inviting. Its easier.
Life isn't everything its a means to an end.
It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't to me anyway.
I can't leave but at the same time I want to stay.
:S

xx

I wrote this!!!! Please read...

http://www.mypersonalbest.org.uk/news-and-events/news/world-mental-health-day-2011/



xx

Its not me its you...

If I could turn back time I would.
I would have never spoken to you, never poured my heart out to you, fell in love with you.
If I could undo the past 4 years I would.
I wouldn't despise myself so much that I think about suicide everyday now for as long as I can remember.
If I could only be that naive girl again and not make all those mistakes I would, not be the shy, boring person that I am today.
If I could undo your lies, you didn't love me and you never cared.
If only I wasn't so stupid.
If I could have beeen stronger.
If I could of smiled in my misery then maybe I wouldn't be depressed for every waking hour.
If only I slept without waiting for my fone to vibrate with your name flashing.
My heart wouldn't skip a beat everytime I read those 3 words.
Your poetic beauty your words embraced me, conforted me when nothing in my life was.
You made everything better my harsh, cruel, unforgiving world was nothing incomparison to our bubble.
I fucking loved you!
If only I didn't.
That girl would still be alive today and this hollow shell I live in wouldn't be crumbling to pieces.
Your not to blame. I am. I shouldn't have been that car crash. That clingy bitch you ignored time and time again.
Maybe it was you?
How could you fucking do that to me, ... to us. Our song, our relationship where you promised me the world, incuding the moons and stars.
It's always me that loves nothing recipricated.
As my cuts mutiply, as I fall deeper into this depression as my plots of suicde increase and this body becomes even more abused.
It's not you anymore it's me.

You will always win, I will always lose...

xx

Stupid thing said to me no...

1. " you could practice counselling on those stupid models who dont eat"
2. " so do you eat?"

Number 1 was said when i told my mentor i wanted to drop out and work in fashion.
Number 2 was asked when i told the student welfare advisor my mental health problems.

Some people are actually socially retarded they need to shut the hell up! I mean what kinda people are we employing to look after vulnerable members of society.
(btw i mean in general not saying i am vulnerable per se) these people are paid to deal with sensitive issues. My god people are really clueless.
rant over :)
Self harmed yesterday it was good really good :)
xx

Todays been awful truly awful...

You know when you just wake up and think i just wanna go back to bed.
I went to psychology lecture someone kept falling asleep next to me hahaha.
Yeh i was feeling ready to do some reading (turns out i was reading the wrong social psychology textbook no wonder i didnt understand it-me=a dickhead) went to the quiet zone people were fucking talking so i go to co op dogded all the unhealthy crap that i normally would binge on got my diet coke and some bannanas :) walked back home to grap a packet of snack-a-jacks only to find my mug with my name on it has been stolen.
If anything is moved or touched i go mad (part of my OCD) so i moved all my stuff outta the kitchen started to cry i put a note up in the other kitchen but no one cares.
I hate this fucking place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So i missed out on my reading so im even more behind. Plus i had research methods this afternoon shit ive gotta count cars next week fun
FML
I need to do so much but i cant bring myself to do any of it :( i cant cope with life at all.
feeling self harm and suicide wonderful suicide i need to go now its right i no it is...


xx

I Won't Let You Go

Theres a side to you that i never knew, never knew...

I had my first counselling appointment today.
the room absolutely stank of coffee really offputting and repulsive he asked the usual questions.
Are you at risk he kept repeating?
Umm no i dont think so i kept replying.
What i really was saying was why would i tell you spoil my plans i dnt think so.
He asked about my dad.
I told him he was dead
when did he die... i cant remember (hes still alive hes dead in my head)
he disgusts me prick
...
Binged today
got a phone call from springfields hospital got an app nxt wed i dnt wanna go thanks.
day off tomorrow gunna find a quiet spot and read :)
...
doctors at 2.30pm joys

xx

I am Invisible

This song is mine. Totally made forr me.
xx

told her not to cry, ill be back one day...

I'm not here mentally. I want to be not here physically.

Exactly  a month to go :)

...
research methods is so hard i was just sat there on the computer on this programme like excel thinking i just wanna walk out.
...
I'm going home tomorrow i never wanna come back to uni :(
xx

I dont wanna be without you baby...

I'm really tired the uni work keeps piling up and up.
I've just read this book on social psychology and i have no idea what it was on about.
AT ALL.
Thats really bad.
I think im guna end up dropping out.
</3
I'd love to honestly i would i cant cope.
Just over a month to go.
6Th Novemember i will be dissapearing.
xx

said love was painted gold
like all things growing old
the paint peels and slowly falls
you already know

looking out the glass
always sit together
we both know we could be someone better
not with our heads like London weather

...
i woke up this morning to the hall covered in streams of toilet paper...wtf??
got my amazon parcel=core books=this makes me happy,
2 days to go and im outta this place
home is where the heart is <3

i stupidly told someone that i wanted to kill myself... they  just said lol.
Then i got a text "oi u did u survive da other night then"


What a dick.

xx

happy birthday

being 19 is crap.