the voices OH The voices...

I just need help right now.

I need to turn them down.

I just feel like my heads a jumble sale and none of the outfits go together.

Wow.

It's like I'm wearing one odd sock, I've got half a trouser on with a back-to-front top on with one earring on and one half of my face with one make up one way and the other half with another.

Does that paint a decent picture of how I'm feeling right now?

one minute I want one thing the next another and I'm just so irritated none of this is fitting together!

Humf.

I honestly just want to cry.

I know deep down I want recovery I know I do.

But I'm looking down at my bum and seeing stretch marks sitting happily next to cellulite seems like they've set up camp there together.

btw I'm being totally serious here

I feel so so repulsed by my body atm you have no idea

It's like I like curves but not on me. I like skinny. I like bones but I'll never get there again.

I'm just seriously stuck on what the hell I want.

I want to be recovered but still have the body of an anorexic if that makes sense?

No sorry that fucking doesn't make sense.

ugh

fuck fuck

*sigh*

Everyone is irritating me as well. My mum is doing everything to piss me off like this week I'm gunna be away. I'm going to a friends wedding for 4 days with my family going to make a break out of it, going to Brighton.

I'm gunna be a bridesmaid who wont be able to fit in their dress!

fuck

pt guy n Dan just don't go there I really don't know about either. I want space but at the same time I want them to just be nice to me just be there as friends.

But everything seems so complicated with both complete head fucks!

and I'm a slag that only thinks bwt one thing right?

Thank god I'm gunna be off work my manager said I should sit down because I was really ill.

I've been put on new pills mirtazapine and they keep making me spaced out, shaky and dizzy and at work I really did feel like I was gunna faint. keel over.

Wow massive rant there.

if anyone does read this and I mean if please can you answer the following...

what should I do about the head fucks?

shall I stop taking the acid-in-disguise-antidepressants?

how the fuck do I loose 4 kg in 4 days?

I need to get my shit together.

Fuck knows how when I've no friends to lean on.

So alone right now.

I've really thought about it these kinda moods are really dangerous for me. Like I no I'm on the edge of doing something scared the voices wont shut up and I do something.

Anyway sorry I'm so depressing like the most ever.

Sorry x a gazillion trillion I'm alive and a waste of oxygen.

I wish I was dead more than you wish I was.

I'm working on it.

I'm a fuck up.

ER

xx

my mistakes were made for you...

Innocence and arrogance entwined in the filthiest of minds...

'Cause I can't make you love me, darling
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't
Oh, here in the dark
In these final hours
I will lay down my heart
If you feel the power, but you won't
Oh, you don't
SHIT DAY

i got new pills yest mirtazapine.

they knock me out make me gain weight

got told off at work

got sworn at at work

no therapy this week

life sucks bum

:(

All the crazy things I did last night they will be the best memories...

I've lost 2 followers :(
Sorry
...
Went out last night got fucked.
Everything was good enjoyed myself
until niggas in paris came on in walkabout and I got with this guy I remember me jumping on him grinding with him. We were totes all over each other! Cringey I freaked n spoiled the evening.
ppl in the taxi queue were funny.
had one hour sleep had to go to work drunk lol
bad ass
been fucked all day
...
pt guy is amazing even tho he wants to punch me :S
he makes me sad like how sweet he is for the things he says and then the next he rejects me like he has a gf I think that makes me really sad but I just cant stop liking him.
I feel like when I'm around him I feel less alone.
Why the fuck do I always like someone more than they like me?

niggas in paris

chav mates obv

the guy behind us is a guy I used to drool over in school he is a twin they're both hot obvs haha

hope my 2 followers come back
its really made me sad
idk what I've done?
sorry i really really am :'(
ER
xx

I shouldn't fuck myself in the head with, stupid men...

First of all I wanna say I'm sorry to everyone, for those of you who left messages I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry I made you worry and doubt tou.
Forgive me please.
I did end up ODing over "stupid men"
Yeah I no I'm a dick for letting people get to me so much.
Me and Dan are back sex-ting.
me and the pt guy are rocky bcoz I keep wanting more n he doesn't I don't blame him. Why would anyone wanna be with me. I'm a piece of shit.
Only good for Dan to have me when ever he wants to get his kicks.
That's all I am a wank buddy.
I deserve it.
..
I've stopped taking my meds not that anyone knows.
I just want to get bad really bad so I can OD or die properly. Sick of failed attempts.
As you can tell I'm in a pretty dark place atm.
...
I'm going to Whitney's wedding beginning of August. Feel really shit about it. I mean I should be happy but I don't I don't feel anything except maybe jealousy and longing.
Thats bad coz I'm a cunt basically.
...

I'm going out round town tomorrow hopefully I wont be sad and ruin the evening looking at dick head boys. I just wanna good time and that's why I'm out.
Sorry again wall of arms.
love u always

ER
xx

oh sweet suicide...

Guess that says it all.
I just don't want to think any more, I don't want to have feelings, be let down, have to talk to another dick head man, have to work, eat, not sleep, take my fucking shit antidepressants, I don't want to go uni, I don't want to keep on this falseness when I'm literally falling apart.
I just don't want to live any more.
I'm gonna be strong enough to get my other prescription and OD as soon as I can.
Just fuck this..

Not that anyone ever cares to read my blog any more.
I just want to die.
ER
xx

There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don't know how Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my wonderwall

That song always gives me goosebumps.

Seriously.

I really wanna play it on guitar.

That would make me happy.

I have so much to say in this post but idk where to begin.

"the finish line is a good place we will  start"

private joke

I told Dan I needed some space I talked bwt him in therapy and it was helpful but I think I'd already made up my mind about the way I feel about him before I even discussed him.

I just need to pluck up the courage to text him.

Not gunna be easy which means I need more space away from him.

Therapy was good but I'm concerned that all we talk about is uni n how nervous I am but I don't wanna talk bwt that not atm.

Had my 2nd driving lesson and I nearly crashed someone pulled off when I was about to turn into the road. Scared me.

I managed to get through my 12 hour day at work well all over supermarket land.

I'd like it to be my full time job tbh merchandising.

Kinda like it.

Anyway I saw my dilf and he had a wife! made me sad. He's so gorg!

I no I'm rambling but hey

umm what else oh I've started talking to this guy off pt he's umm haha lovely but at the same time not secretive but umm not forthcoming with info makes me kinda nervous? Idk think we really get on well though so must be doing something right?

Its nice to talk.

Seems like no1 talks any more.

Oh yeh my Grandad is really ill. Makes me sad I felt my heart sink when I found out. I don't ever wanna loose my family its small enough as it is.

I went out last nite got drunk with my sissy.

felt unbelievably sick with my antis they don't go at all!

I've been really depressed today.

Had a panic attack after I went to a vintage fair I bought a Del boy top its cool.

I really panicked.

Not had one as bad as that in public for a while.

Its horrible.

umm think that's it?

I need to do something bwt this depression I shouldn't feel this bad on antis.

:S help

ER

xx

Please please please be ok grandad
i love you so much you cant leave Irene
Please get better fight this please

Inside in. Inside out.

Summer was always a nice time of the year. Me and my sister would play out. We used to play badminton in the back garden. My mum bought us some cheap rackets. To be honest we were quite shit at it. We never really got a rally going we used to take it in turns to pick up the shuttle cock. We used to get ice lollies I used to like the rocket lollies or screwballs the one with raspberry ripple ice cream in a plastic cone with a juicy ball of chewing gum at the bottom...

I felt suicidal last night. I've not felt so helpless so distressed in a long time. It was a real low. I woke up this morning with a pounding headache because I was crying so much I thought my head was gunna explode so much so I had to go back to bed and I promised myself to wake up in a better mood. I think I have but at the same time I'm lost and I'm about to make the most difficult and wrong decision of my life yet, I just want to be free of my feelings for Dan. I don't love him love him. I just love him. I don't want him to hurt me which is what he's doing now but its all my fault because I want him to be something else than what he is. I'm making a dick out of myself as per. And I'm pushing away one of the most amazing people I've ever met...

Me and My sister always used to write a list of all the things we'd like to do in the 6 weeks holiday. Normally we would put the seaside on I suppose that's why I love it so much. We would always go to Cleethorpes as its my Mums place to go. Its not too far and its not Bridlington where my mums best friend lived (she had a mental breakdown and died). We would have to hire a car to get us there coz we couldn't afford a reliable car that used to be all that we would get out of the summer holiday. We didn't have any more money to do anything else. We was just bored and made up games in the house that we played with our dolls well my sisters dolls that she used to let me play with. We would pin all our hopes on our dad to take us out to relieve us of our boredom. He did a few times like to Scarborough or to Leeds for shopping or to London later on...

I have so much to do this week, working I mean of course when am I ever not working? I'm stressed about that to be honest I don't want to work when I'm this depressed. I can't wait until therapy to talk to someone. To tell her about how down I am no doubt she will just tell me to go to my GP. I fucking would if she wasn't on hol for 3 weeks grr. *sigh*. I researched Marilyn Monroe yest as I was having an episode I love her quotes.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”


“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 


“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.” 


“Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world.”

ER
xx