I can't do this by myself all of these problems there all in your head...

No one.
Nothing.
Nowhere.

All my new love,
ER
xx

Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that, You're better now than ever, and your life's okay When it's not. No. You're doing all these things out of desperation....

I've no idea what the hell I'm doing. When I'm with people I feel ok I feel fine its just when darkness falls and I go into this horrible mood where I'm on my own and I feel so so down I can't think straight.
Last night I deleted all my bbm contacts. I can't face talking to anyone who doesn't understands and so they just ignore me and I get so frustrated. I need them. It's horrible being ignored I cant stand it. So I think I'm just gunna lay low for a while phone off and just hide. Can't do it I cant be all happy and cheery and stable when I'm falling apart. Literally so tired and exhausted I don't ever go to bed early here coz I know I will just be sat thinking and thinking. I had a dream again where I died. I woke up so scared idk why I should be happy. I want to die.
...
I got an email from Dan yesterday. I couldn't understand how he can think he can walk in and out of my life without me batting an eyelid. feel so used and hurt by him. He fucking left like everyone else and yet i told him everything n of course we sexted which I don't regret I don't think I just hate myself for it!
...
I'm getting my hair cut on Thursday can't wait but nothing I do can make me look better look hideous!
So fat and disgusting

.


All my pathetic love,
ER
xx

First, you think the worst is a broken heart What's gonna kill you is the second part...

And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little...

It's true.

When I lost him the first time it took me 3 years to get over him. And when I found him again it was like we had never been apart.

I had a second chance.

I blew it.

From that moment on I just knew there was no hope.

Nothing.

No one will ever say those 3 words like you did.

I broke everything about me because of you. My bones, my heart,my health,my vitality,my motivation,my trust, my reason for breathing nothing was left.

I hate thinking about you but you are the reason. And the reason...

Lots of broken hearted love,

ER

xx

What have you done?!?!...

To make it full circle to be actually living after the year you've had?
You should be dead, you do not belong in 2013.
So fuck off.
I can't tell you how much sadness and loneliness I feel.
I just feel hollow.
Disgusting and empty. I don't feel it, I don't feel myself exhaling and inhaling. I think about suicide more.
Now. Now I've lost it. The hope I had, the happiness I felt it is just too distant
I want them back. I can't stand this distance.
I miss them.
When they actually gave a shit.

Definitely this next time...

Name and shaming would take too long so everyone I know/have known  u r a fucking dick !

i wanna be here...

anywhere but here...

that beautiful falling freedom before you hit the hard concrete and smash your head open

All my lonely love,
ER
xx

It doesn't feel like anything anymore...

I've never really understood Christmas even when I was little I knew that Christmas was an entire let-down. Whenever I came back from the hols to school and everyone said what they got for xmas I knew that I had to lie and say I just got 'few bits' while they were bragging about the latest games/ipod/perfume etc they got.
Seems weird saying all this and typing on my new macbook pro. I can't afford it dw I've got it for being "disabled'.
All I'm looking forward to is the food how disgusting am I for saying that?! I hate how much I'm eating I can remember 2 xmas's ago I was my lowest weight ever. Now look at me a disgusting mess! :(
My mum hasn't had no money since I went to uni from benefits. The only thing I'll get is what my sis has bought me.
Thankgod I'm working over the hols now I've got a few hours at my old work else I would of been severely skint!
...
I haven't managed to say that despite me telling Lee to delete my number then him saying he would we have still been texting. I've no idea why I've been ignored and been treated like crap so god knows what the fuck I'm doing!
...
I daren't go to sleep. I can't sleep since I've forgot to bring my sleeping pills home. Stupid bitch! I want them I need them. I lay awake for hours texting people that hate me. I just don't want to be alone. I can't cope with being alone.
Thats when the thoughts take over! suicidal
Want to never wake up. Being awake so much is torturous.

lots of sad love,
ER
xx

i can't do this im struggling so much
help

I knew you were trouble when you walked in...

Me and Lee, whatever we had is completely over.
He is aloof.
I'm grounded. I'm traditional.
I dunno why I'm sad but This is definitely for the best. But I cant stop thinking and thinking and thinking. I don't want to let go of that beautiful stranger. But I want to say goodbye to the man who makes me doubt myself, makes me confused and makes me horny as hell.
I can remember the first time we met I asked you if you wanted a bag for your pasta and we both looked at each other and smiled. You smiled coz you felt it too. I've never felt butterflies before but you gave them to me with that look and they went wild inside me.
I just wish things turned out differently...

If you like someone and they like you its not as simple as that.
I've learnt that there has to be personality, it's two sided not trying to be someone I'm not and sacrifice my beliefs for others just for how fast you make my heart beat.


Don't fall for a pretty face,
All my horny love,
ER
xx

I know. I know...

Last night was shambolic. Apparently that's not a word but oh well.
My head was just pounding with paranoia, depression and this overwhelming suicidal sadness which I remember painfully.
I don't do it on purpose. Even tho I know I'm doing it I don't mean to turn into a monster.

• you have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
• you find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
• you have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
• you take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
• you harm yourself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
• you fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone
• you sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or see or hear things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

I need something. I want help but I don't. I don't know any more what I want. I emailed my counsellor some use! I hate talking to her it feels like textbook answers and I hate that. I might just tell her that. But that undermines everything. The whole counsellor job. 

I'm eating so so much. I eat a lot but I'm trying my hardest to eat little and often maybe that's why it's stressing me out. I feel full which is disgusting. But I just weighed myself and I'm okay. Not gained. Thankfully it needs to fucking stay that way. I'm already incredibly ugly! I don't need ripples of fat as well.

I'm modelling tomorrow. Looking forward to the distraction.  I keep telling myself to be normal act normal because I feel so far from it.

All My black and white love,

ER

xx

you have won, you can go ahead tell them...

Tell them I was happy,
And my heart is broken,
All my scars are open...

It's back.
I feel it.
I felt you creeping up on me you fingertips on my eyelids. You told me to hush.
I recognised your voice like an imprinted memory.


The sinking feeling came, you were behind me I was in front of you. That's new. It didn't feel right. With a knife to my neck. I'm never going to escape you again. I know.
I feel ur lips oh your lips.
The cold touch revives me. I'm yours.
Then you hit. My skull so bursting with thoughts I cannot hear.
Your me and I'm not me.
Am I?

ER
xx

vulgar...

I want to fuck you.
Simple as that.
I want you inside me and I want to be naked in front of you. I want to be filled with desire just to be wanted by you.
I want you to undo my clothes and take off my underwear and enter me.
I just want to have sex with you.
right? this is what people do no strings fun
But really I just want the emptiness to go and my libido to calm the fuck down.
And I want to stop feeling sick and doing this weird eye thing I keep doing Where I go all dizzy and feel like I'm gunna pass out.
I'm nothing. I can't even get you to want me. I can't persuade you to have sex with me even though I've been texting you shit all night.

I hate myself this existence is horrible.
I'm vulgar.
xx

give me love...

I woke up at 2 am. I wasn't going back to sleep.
I kept thinking over and over about you.
Replaying that night.
Me and you. Wanting to tear the clothes off each other. Burning to be in bed together.
You didn't want me. There's something wrong with me. Why didn't you want me?
I'm not good enough for you.
I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I'm broken.
I hate myself.
You make me doubt myself. Every single thing about me I hate because you don't like. I can't stop thinking about you with other people and it makes me want to jump straight outta this window...

ER
xx

where there is a flame someone's bound to get burnt...

Don't get attached to people coz they will fuck you over*

*fuck other people.


xx

Try...

I'm sorry I left and left angry.
I'm ok.
Nearly submitted my first assignment for uni. This time last year I would have been facing the prospect of going home for good and working out what the hell I was gunna do with my life and here I am living the dream.
I should be happy right?
Sometimes I feel I am hollow.
I have nothing to define me.

I'm going back home to work. I've literally eaten all of my student loan like an idiot.
Nearly done my xmas shopping only gotta get my mums now.
...
I had to change my url so he couldn't find me. C was stalking me. He used to text and email me about the stuff I wrote on here. So I couldn't blog.
I had a hard time without it but like all things...you just get used to it. :(
I dunno whether I need this any more. I am growing up slowly but I guess it could all be taken away from me any time and I would need it.
..
Any way I'll leave you with some pics of myself looking gothic am I growing up?...

All my love,

ER

xx

why me?

why is it always me that gets the shit if anything can go wrong it goes wrong to me
if its raining i will get splashed by a puddle if a bird flies by it will shit on me
i just cannot cope any more
ive cut
im sat here in floods of tears because no matter what i do its never right or good enough for anyone
ive had to shut down my blog because i let him know every detail about me n im getting punished for him stalking me
i really dont know why i fucking bother
i do things for other people who wouldnt reciprocate
this isnt safe anymore this isnt real im sick of reading ive lost another fucking pound and im ana when really ur still classed as normal weight ugh try fucking living in my shoes battling to even drink on days!

i hate life
fuck you fuck everyone

I HATE MY LIFE!
I FUCKING HATE IT
HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT
ARGH I WANNA PUNCH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
I CANT STAND LIFE
I WANT TO DIE
WHY CANT I FUCKING BE DEAD!?
I WOULD PAY SOMEONE TO KILL ME RIGHT NOW
I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO EVEN GET A DRINK
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

I went to a charity meeting on Saturday in London and we had a surprise visit to a pizza place which was daunting I don't like eating in front of people especially other anorexics.
But I got through it ok I had garlic bread which was yummy and a salad.
I've gained weight I'm hovering around 46/47 kgs  which I hate but its all I can manage right now.
Before the meeting I got myself a hot chocolate and I met a guy. Yes boy meets girl in a coffee shop scenario. Cliché isn't it but I think he is one of the nice ones. If there ever is a nice guy out there that doesn't always think with his dick. It's weird I don't want to say anything yet but he is nice so far so good. Early days I suppose.
...
My mum is really ill and I'm really worried about her. My sister text me today saying she had to see my mum in tears saying that she cant do it any more. As in she is suicidal too. I dunno what to do to help her I mean mums are always there to pick up the pieces but what if you have to pick up the pieces for them? I'm totally lost but feel its my duty to help her I owe it to her. How I'm going to idk. help me..
...
My uni work is piling up I've got photo shoots to do,appointments, finding a house for next year, bank stuff, xmas presents just everything is getting on top of me. My head is gunna explode. I just sit in a daze try just shut myself off from all responsibility and hassle.
...
Feel so hopeless.
Help.
ER
xx

The English Way...

Foals - My Number - Later... with Jools Holland - BBC Two

I swam across I jumped across for you Oh what a thing to do Cause you were all yellow...

I don't know what to say.
I just know I need to post.
...
I've gained binged. What is new I'm a fat bitch.
...
I didn't think I was suicidal any more guess what I lied.
...
I think everything is going ok them Bam you bring me down to earth and remind me where I came from. The yellow. The disgusting yellow. the smog. the wallpaper. the yellow stained faces.
have you ever felt your trying to reach the apple of temptation and somewhere out of nowhere comes a claw and its pulling and pulling u back into the yellow.
It suffocates, it drowns all the life outta me. Nostalgia is like an ocean. I drown in the bubbles of yellow. the pockets of air are false. there is not air in the yellow...remember?
I don't wanna go back there. Never. Ever.It's beginning to get to me.
I never thought I'd be like this neither did I think I'd be happy.
I can remember me sitting on the bus once with my sister n I said I want to be rich so I can prove that you can come from nothing and be successful. Her response was just that's been done before.
I am anorexic I am a borderline I am a depression sufferer. You can't achieve anything with 3 death sentences right?
Its easy to give in. Not have a job. Not give a shit. sleep to forget the pain.
I'm not lucky to be here. I am so unlucky I'm living in this living hell. In this yellow.Ii don't believe in anything any more.
you left and you don't ask any more so why should I bother?
I'm alone.
All alone.
please just let me go...

Failure is at a price I can't afford...

45.8kgs
bmi 14.9
I don't ever wanna see 46 again.
I cant afford to eat. I've spent a grand of my student loan in a month. I don't get paid til January. I'm skint.
I'm restricting just on the fact I can't afford food atm. I don't want to spend any money until next month.
I will have to get diet coke. But even then I'm just drinking supermarket shit brand n it's disgusting.
But I cant stop thinking about restricting and eating as little as possible.
I just want to be as skinny as possible.
:(

we had to take pics in seminar today of each other I hated it but I know if I posed like a absolute twat I'd not have to stand in front of the camera for ages n it worked.

I hate myself.

I'm so fucking ugly.

I have no make up on and I look awful.

I have the docs tomorrow to get more pills that's £7.65 wasted on the prescription. No doubt it will be another antidepressant for me to try.

I hate fucking hate gps they just don't care. 

I feel so disgusting. I'm sat with my legs to my chest and the ripples of fat on my stomach is just gruesome.

:(

I hate myself and I want to die.

ER

xx

I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor You're a little late, I'm already torn...

I'm sorry I'm posting so often.
:(
I sent Lee those pics of me in my "fugly" post.
he sent me naked ones.
I thought I could cope with just sex. I thought I was just accepting that no one will ever love me but to just use me for sex.
But I dunno if I can do it.
We argued last night coz on Tuesday of all days he said that I should find someone else who can be nice and be there for me coz he's going on his course for 19 weeks. He rejected me.
Just today he said I could go to his base.
I said no coz I am so poor atm then he was like I'll lend you the money.
I thought wow this is an all time low prostituting myself now.
Then he said he doesn't wanna use a condom.
No way.
I'm not getting pregnant neither am I exposing myself.
I just feel so low and used. My sister said I was stupid.
I just want someone to lie with, hold me and kiss me like they don't want to kiss anyone else.
I'm just sex aren't I?
He wants to come after parade tomorrow.
Jamie was a mistake.
I don't want Lee to be too.
I know that after we have sex he wont talk to me.
He will have got what he wanted. Just like Jamie. Fuck me and leave me. But I just feel drawn to him maybe coz I am so so lonely I just want company or that I feel so low that I don't care what happens to me any more.
I'm just torn.
Lee was my lover a guy I used to get butterflies every time I saw him at work he is so so gorgeous and yet his personality is just..nothing.
I've no idea what to do..
Torn.

ER
xx

My bones ache, my skin feels cold And I'm getting so tired and so old The anger swells in my guts And I won't feel these slices and cuts...

I just feel not human. A zombie.
I feel like I get up just to sit on my arse all day on the computer coz there is nothing else to do here.
I'm so so tired. But I could sleep for days and days and not feel ready to wake up.
I still feel exhausted despite how many hours of sleep I get.
I feel horrible.
My hair, skin, my clothes. I just want to be free.
I hate this feeling.
My back hurts every single bone in my body aches.
I feel hungry but I've managed to gain :( fuck!
I just want it to end.
I want to open my eyes.
I want to feel awake.

ER
xx

FUGLY...

I've been binging like crazy.
I'm seriously fat my arse could feed a small country!
:'(
46kgs
BMI; 15.5
Body fat 5.5%
these pictures are just awful I want to loose 6kgs by xmas.
Starts today...
ER
xx

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I scared you all yesterday.
I'm sorry I hate that I was so down I could barely think straight.
I drew upon everything I had was to try and manage the situation I went to an emergency counselling meeting where I basically cried so much.I text a few people Astra I love u x and I rang my mum. I just wanted to hear her voice just chat about nothing to take my mind off it.
Thank you to everyone who commented n sent me love you all helped me through such a tough day.
Going to the counsellor again tomorrow.
I'm just sorry everyone.

melanie </3

All my love

ER

xx

Every whisper, every sigh Eats away at this heart of mine And there is a hollow in me now...

Dear Melanie,

It's been a year.
It seems like yesterday I heard the news. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach this massive overwhelming feeling of sadness.
Of guilt.
If I could go back in time I would. I would have given you my life instead within a heartbeat.
I swear I will never ever forget what I did. I stole your life. I'm so so sorry.
Sorry a million times over.
I have to live with what I've done.
It should of been me. I hate myself I'm still here.
You should be!
I'm so sorry were so alike and you suffered.
No words can bring you back nor can the litres of tears I've cried wishing I was dead instead of you.
I'm just sorry.
x

http://www.surreycomet.co.uk/news/9966876.Promising_student_died_after_prescription_pills_overdose/?ref=rss

I'm on the same meds as her now. venlafaxine. I only have 5 tablets left
5x 75=375mg

she took 15g thats 15000 I have to find 14625mgs
fuckfuckfuck!
Id have to take 200 pills to die like she did.
:'(
if anyone reads this please comment me I need to distract myself from ODing tonight and tying a plastic bag over my head
Please I'm begging.
xx

I'm addicted to the thrill, its a dangerous love affair...

It's been a while since I did a proper post.
I have a stalker who is no doubt reading this.
I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. All the friends I thought I had who understood who were some of the people I've relied on have left just like I knew they would. friends? What fucking friends?!
I've just given up on people there is no faith in human kind. Everyone is a fucking selfish cunt.
...
The day is nearly here.
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/this-is-it.html
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/suicide.html
6th november.
I will probably attempt to just out of the fact that its that date. I duno what I'm gunna do.
I fantasise about suicide everyday. Not being here. Freedom. No one would care. No one.
I shouldn't be here.
It haunts me everyday that I stole her life.
I will never forgive myself.
never.

I feel like most of my days are just aimless. Nothing happens to make me believe in myself my ability to survive. Nothing I do is ever right.
Seems like I know not how to live any more, I just know the art of dying.
Tomorrow will be the hardest day ever.
I normally go back to the first place. I can see the view now. The hill, the motorway,the life I am so distant from. I can see you but I wish I could erase you. And in doing so erase myself.

Lady Lazarus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-------

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand in foot ------
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call. 
It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

ER
xx

I was here...

   

There was no memorial.
I just laid flowers next to the chapel.
I couldn't get roses.
I'm sorry
xx

Goodnight sweetheart...

It all started when I went to my first counselling appointment to have an assessment yesterday. She was a ever so softly spoken large Asian lady with a bowl of stones, cushions galore and soft lighting. Fill out those depression forms I swear I could tick them off with my eyes closed I've seen so fucking many. Don't you just hate it when they repeat themselves like when they say that's what they'll do why do they need to utter it twenty thousand times. She called the GP made me an "emergency appointment" I saw her half an hour late. Can't stand lateness, Strike one. She was like a PE teacher cheery when I was so gloomy it was totes inappropriate reaction, Strike two. She prescribed me sleeping pills 14 golden gateway pills they're like gold dust. But she reduced them down to 7 with my "track record" Strike three. Then booked me an appointment for today. To discuss being referred and chasing it up.

But today I've been busy so I had to miss it. I went to the hairdressers. If I booked online I got 50% off which is half of £70 yes for a consultant. Enter simon. Got two ear hole stretches skinny jeans round his thighs and sleeves. I felt like I was an inconvenience to him. I said a side fringe n what do I get the same as what I walked in with. I wanna ring up and complain tmoz I don't like at all. I didn't say any thing coz I was late for my train. Running to the station in the poring rain cursing myself I think I actually mouthed all the way there "I fucking hate my life" Where was I going? Birmingham for a charity event. Basically for me to engage with the community to say that its ok to talk about mental health. What I was letting myself in for. I swear it was like in single figures I was freezing. I manned the leaflets bit. I got someone talking about how he saw a spaceship and every minute detail about it.  I had a guy flash me his self harm too stunned with my mouth open he put his finger to his lips and walked off. I had a newspaper which said 99.5% of incapacity benefits are genuine yet this woman she had raised 5 kids and worked throughout saying she knows scroungers and its not fair on her. I was just like is there any point talking to such a narrow minded person? yes we have it hard but its just to pigeon hole everyone into benefit cheats is just wrong. Then this woman was like saying everyone who has mental illness should be segregated n put in hospital despite me saying its on a spectrum and it varies in seriousness she just wasn't having any of it. Kids nicking the free lollies. oh and this man straight out of prison comes up and says he hasn't eaten for 3 days has no heating money or electricity his mouth all swollen.
it was overwhelming draining and idk just proved to me that people are horrible and selfish. .

I plan on taking the seven tonight. maybe make myself a cocktail. Mix it up with some anti's I've got plenty now.
Sorry for being sarcastic bitch just what's the fucking point any more?

I'm just totally finished.
ER
xx

I shouldn't be here...

50 reasons why I should commit suicide...

1. I don't think I am living for myself any more
2. I think about it everyday
3. Medication does nothing
4. I don't remember what happy feels like
5. I blame others for my own mistakes
6. It's unexplainable
7. Crying myself to sleep
8. Telling someone and then instantly regretting it
9. people joking about suicide
10. When people say they care but actually don't
11. "so much to live for" "so much you'll never get to do"
12. The fear of failing
13. Losing weight to leave a skinny corpse
14. Happy people are triggering
15. Being so bored all the time because nothing is interesting anymore
16. Being suicidal for so long no one takes me seriously any more
17. When I've been institutionalized and need to go back because that's the only safe place
18. No one understands
19. Get's better? only 10 x worse
20. I want someone to save me
21. Everyone would be better off if I was dead
22. No one knows how much effort it takes just to stay alive
23. The loss of hope
24. Continually being hurt by people
25. I am nothing
26. I hate everything about me
27. Everyone treats me like shit
28. I am lonely
29. Excessive desire to stay in bed
30. I trust all the wrong people and never trust the right ones
31. I am boring. I have nothing valuable to say
32. I want to hurt myself
33. Lying awake at night thinking.
34. The internet gives me more comfort than real life
35. Sitting alone in the dark
36. Always looking for ways to kill myself
37. Wishing every minute that I was dead
38. Wanting to be a victim of a murder
39. Being fascinated by peoples "stories"
40. Having no one you can call a friend
41. Being ashamed of depression
42. Relentless sadness
43. Washing becomes a chore
44. Broken family
45. Panic attacks
46. The devil
47. If became when
48. Being pathetic and crying all the time
49. The scars mentally and physically
50. Little things can put me on a downer for a day/month/week

I shouldn't be here.

ER
xx

Too much of anything could destroy you. Too much of darkness could kill but too much light could blind.

were going round and round and up and down...your holding on too tightly...

love was an illusion of a hopeless heart...

I'm really struggling at the moment I think alot of people are as well. Im sorry wall of arms. :(
I cant do anything at the moment I'm just frozen.
I'm either doing pointless shit i.e binging or sleeping I haven't even touched any of my uni work this week which is shameful.
I'm guna attempt to go uni in heels fuck no's why coz I know I cant walk in them!?
I've decided to go back on my pills after 2 nights of crying and massive headaches from withdrawing. I don't want them tho.
I'm really obsessed about suicide and reading about suicide atm.
I know I shouldn't coz its awful and its putting ideas into my head but as 6th November approaches I just want to end it.
I'm thinking I should go and visit her memorial.
I know I don't deserve to even be near her or anything but I just wanna say how sorry I am.
...
I am going home for the weekend tomorrow. Have a long weekend. I just want to see my niece and my dog who I love dearly.
I just want to get away from these four walls.
I imagine life back at home to be the same shit.
Cold, depressing and cluttered.
I cant do that cope with being regressed back to a place where I know is depressing.
Fuck life.
I'm sick of this life where I don't fit in anywhere. No where feels like I belong. I have no purpose.
nothingness this deep feeling of nothingness.
All my love,
ER
xx

Blow by blow...

How does it feel to wish every minute of every day that you were dead?
Devastating?, torturous?
It's horrible.
Sick of waiting for the "better days" and "fish in the sea".
There's nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I'm finished.
4 years I cant take another second.
I want to cut.
It's rusty. Don't give a fuck.
I think I'm having a breakdown.
I imagined the tube hitting me I closed my eyes and mouthed now the second I  should of jumped. Distorted in between metal sprinkle salt so it dries up my blood.
I keep getting murdered and raped in my dreams.
Sleep isn't solace any more it's infected my only peace.
I walked past a memorial for a recently well known girl in the news.
I felt so guilty I'm here and she's presumed dead. Why couldn't it of happened to me?! I deserve it not her I should be dead!
I just want to die.
Please Please just let me die.

I've wasted my nights, You turned out the lights Now I'm paralysed..

the past few months in pictures...

Lee </3

Me, Tom(Jamie's mate) and Katie at freshers ball

I had a free barry m manicure today this is the magnetic nail polish lush

me and whitney

Whitneys wedding

My niece on a monket swing on her first birthday <3

me with old wolfie we blow good ;) lol

Gregs bracelet I made for him

Well I've had such a shit day.
I had a rude awakening again at 1 am people coming in from a night out and woke me up didn't go back to bed til 3 am then I had the most awful nightmare!
I was in an american mall and  there was this game where someone sat on the floor and this machine would give them a wedgies weird yess then it was getting a crowd and there was loads of people I was like come on lets go to these people I'd never met but they were just standing there laughing at people who went on this machine. Then the machine started killing people I was running up the escalators to the car park looking for my car (even though I don't drive) I started crying hysterically coz the injured people started catching up with me like the machine had tore all the flesh off arm and legs but left the bone. I went up to these posh people in the back of a cars said where are you going? Can I stay with you? they were like were from Chelsea and this girl asked her mum on the phone and she said no you cant stay with us. So I was panicking and in hysterics even more where I paid someone to drive my car then this man with no arm splattered on the windscreen and Cassidy from uni said I'll come with you then in the car I saw Cassidy's arm and it was just bone and I just screamed. then I think we drove to a house and I found out that someone had called the machine something and it started killing everyone so they all hated this girl. But then we were sat at this fashion show then Dr who turned up but it was for a female designer someone I knew but I cant remember now. Then this man dressed all in black was killing people he was the man behind the machine.
It was just awful I woke up this morning hallucinating coz of it I heard someone call my name and there was a lantern in front of me I didn't wanna open my eyes but when I did the lantern was actually my printer.
So so weird! I woke up dripping wet in sweat. But really cold.
I've felt so sick and ill I thought  I was gunna collapse on the way to uni.
...
I went to the docs today got 75mg venlafaxine great! ugh
...
I haven't talked about C in ages. I essentially told him to fuck off n never contact me again. I just realised how creepy he is and how we are so far apart it was so weird I dunno how we ever got on. So he's completely out of my life thank god I don't miss him at all I'm glad I'm not being upset by him and having to put up with his offensive not funny jokes and his big head. ugh makes my skin crawl!
...
I really need to do some work now :( Going to Newcastle on sat for Helen's birthday gunna take me 6 hours to get there!

All my love
ER
XX
P.s depressed skinny mess I haven't had ur texts and I dont have ur number email me ur number honey <3

Were beautiful like diamonds in the sky...

I don't think I've ever felt more ugly.
I have so many spots on my face from binging, I'm bloated, I hate all my clothes coz I can only fit into my big size 8 clothes now, my hair is all lank and disgusting.
I only got up at 12. I was woken up at 1 am with 3 people in my room. They were laughing at me. The girl was giggling her head off. I can't believe I forgot to lock my door. I couldn't get up I was just frozen pretending to be asleep. When they left I just cried until about 3  am I slept 'til about 9.
I've forced myself to get up and I've been cleaning to Justin Bieber How sad?!
I know I've still got work to do today but I just cant be bothered I'm still tired even after sleeping for so long.
...
It's the freshers ball tonight.
I really don't want to go aside from the fact I have no one to go with I can't fit into anything nice.
I just don't have any purpose in life.
I get up sleep and do more sleeping. I'm just sick of sleeping or wishing I was asleep just lying in bed.
I just sat with my head in my hands crying.
I'm in the process of deleting all my thinspo and depression pics.
I shouldn't be looking at that I need to grow up and concentrate just on fashion.

All my love,
ER
xx

What it takes to come alive...

First week of uni has been overwhelming.
I mean the work has been fun but just the amount you have to do is overwhelming.
Lee texted me yesterday.
He was on about coming today but I said if you just want sex don't come I don't want to be used.
Needless to say he never text me back after that.
...
I'm trying to access my online banking but I've froze myself out. God knows how ffs!! I think I've had fraud on my account or something damn halls internet honestly if I have no money in there I dunno what the hell I'd do.
...
Just depression and the pills are sucking all the life out of me. I sleep most of the day well I just lie in bed because I'm so exhausted. Surely there is something wrong with me. Like I should be able to get out of bed in a morning and do all the normal things others do without after half an hour think I'm too tired to carry on and just crawl back into bed.
I would give anything right now to just go back home and stay in bed with no job, no money, nothing. I just don't want to live any more. I just hate who I am, the clothes I wear, the things I do. I just can't deal with every day life. I didn't wash for four days. I just couldn't. I know it's disgusting but this overwhelming feeling of sadness paralyses me.
I know you all think shut up and just get on with it but I can't.

This is where I am going...

All my love

ER

xx