Tainted love...

Adam = deleted
sick of rejection and ignorance end of                .
...
I have an app for OP at leeds finally on the 11th aug so im not going to eat in august except when i absolutely have to even then it will be veg or fruit i promise :)
need to loose 7kgs + in 11days
...
Went to michelles birthday meal last night was a bit of a nightmare not michelle tho shes lovely just sophie she spoiled it a bit just the fact that shes got so much in her life atm and tbh im envious. I dnt really like her when shes in a crowd well around others coz she just acts up if u get me like has to be centre of attention? I just wanted to have a proper conversation with her and actually listen to what ive got to say. Pretty much came away bummed out. I'm on a downer really bad like i just want to never switch my phone on or have to stare at a blank screen again. SICK of life.
cant stand being around ppl atm social withdrawal oui
...
T'other day i burnt myself on the toaster

I love/hate my scars...
My pain is real...?!!?
xx

Example Ft Ed Sheeran - Nandos Skank (aka the best song in the world)

Enjoy!!!
haha i was on the floor when i heard this
greg looks like him well not ginger but he looks like him sooo much
even tho ive never been to nandos in my life its such a funny song
<3
xx

The Kooks 'The Saboteur'

i love luke <3
cnt wait forr the new album
xx

You're the best thing i never had...

Thee whole Adam situation is a bit umm well non existent to be frank. I know he doesn't like me i like him more. I think ive done it again. Found a guy that is not interested in me whatsoever! I'm finding it hard to cope. When things go tits up i binge and i have. I walked for 5 hrs today just to get hme bwt 4 and binge. Worst thing i'm not even hungry i just want to destroy myself make me look awful to mirror the awfulness inside...maybe.
I can feel the depression comin over me. My eyes are welling up.
I told my mum that i was going to be outpatients at leeds and she was dissapointed said she couldnt afford to pay for me to go. I ended up in tears. I had to ring Claire told her bwt that i cant pay for the train and bus even tho ill be re-embursed.
Argh i just feel like my life one minute is going ok then the next i have absolutely nothing left nothing to keep me sane and to make me live.
Sometimes i just wanna go to sleep like for a month. Just to be unconscious from all the dissapointment and saddness.
xx

Perspectives...

"It would take 96 BILLION to bail out Greece again.

Yet it would only take 1 BILLION to sort out the famine in Somalia."

I Know which one i'd go for.

xx

In this deep shame my tears dry on their own...



Englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com

 This note was given to me by Amy Winehouse.
We used to get to know famous ppl back in the day. Long story, I try not to talk about it coz it brings me dissapointment even though those years were the happiest of my life.
Isn't it weird that shes wrote that when I actually dont he walks away at every oppourtunity. I hate him.
People aren't what they seem.
Well cut to the chase what I'm really trying to say is it should of been me that died yesterday not her. Her dad loves and cares for her Yet shes gone.
It just should have been me.


xx

Love is a loosing game...

R.I.P A.W
...
I have 3 reasons to be here..

1. Hold my neice for the first time, see her face and help my sister give birth.
2. See my A Level results I want to know what i got whether the fight was worth it.
3. Experience some of my University course.

I'm guna remind myself of these every time i waver, every minute of every day to make sure i dont get caught up in the spiral again. Until 6th November*
Thanks zoe and farrah it REALLY means alot xx <3
...
I'm on a 12day fast.
Going ok lost 2kgs need to do better but its sooo hard especially with my mum breathing down my neck asking bwt food and what I've eaten.
I hate lying I hate throwing/hiding food away.
I'm sorry.
xx

I dont want to do this anymore...

I can't stop crying.
Im so so depressed and sad all the time.
I dont know how long i can take much more of this.
Piling on the pounds,
Feeling miserable 97% of the time,
No friends,
No job,
No money,
Crap family,
No one cares or loves me FACT.

Researched suicide hotspots - closest 1 is humber bridge i wanna feel that falling feeling that i know im free and dont have to pretend anymore, get up and feel utter misery that im still living this shit life.

The book i was reading. Despite all Keith said it just made me more determined there is no way out except suicide.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/332256/Keith-Lane-Angel-of-Beachy-Head-Health-and-Safety-Stop-Order.html

I cut last night coz he didnt text me back and i look like a dick for texting him.

For the first time i actually couldn't do it properly it hurt i know its suppose to but all the other times i just felt totally numb. Last night i stopped half way thru ive even become fed up and exhausted that i cant even self harm right anymore. I want to see the blood trickling down my arm. To see that im real and not just a negative of a person. I feel like all there is to me is fat and saddness. Nothing else just illnessess. Does that make sense? Like i have no personality as i think about binging food suicide self loathing and not much else.
I want to binge on a toasted bagel and burn my self on the toaster in the process.
I DESERVE IT.
I hate myself.
Im a fucking waste of space.
I wish i was never born.

Kanye West - Amazing

I love this song      :) Kanye is like on all the tym atm.
So yeh.
Yesterday i had my starbucks encounter with Adam. He was lovely we talked for 2 hours without any really awkwardness. He's so gorgeous like i mean way outta my league.
Blue eyes, lovely curly hair and a cheeky smile.
I'm not good enough he deserves better much better.

...
I've started reading this book
"Life on the edge" by Keith lane
i urge anyone reading this to read that book. Ive cried like 10x over how he descibes suicide and how painful it is to experience depression. I would love to meet him. He is one incredible amazing wonderful  human being!
...
45.5kgs tday but ive binged on sweets :(.
...
Complete nightmare suppose t b outpatients at leeds turns out only got funding for ip which i dont want and im just pissed off with health professionals atm so ive made a complaint. :) dont fucking mess me about im not takin the shit anymore u bastard!!!
arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
xx

I'm exhausted, barely breathing holding on to what i believe in...

Im not liking new blogger i dont get how to use it where the fuck has dashboard gone plz all i want is to read blogs and post  but i keep going on my blog when ever i press something argh its frustrating!!!
...
Rant over
ive been busy busy well i saw sarah yesterday which was amazing i love her so much i just wish i had more time to spend with her coz we need a reeet good catch up she gave me kanye wests albums and im addicted 808s and heartbeats is brilliant
west is best oui?
:)
i gave her my sylvia dvd and one flew over the cuckoos nest
...
went to the social worker boring shes such a dick cant stand her poking her nose in i wanna tell sum1 bwt my self harming i burnt my arm on the toaster coz ive been binging shock horror ano and my arm is really disgustingly weeping a habit that is brought on by me picking my scars coz of my personality disorder :S
...
went for a job interview at a warehouse for a like canteen assistant hhaaha ano me surrounded by food ill eat it all nO NO NO idk if i got it im waiting to hear from her i was only in there like 3 mins so im not hopeful
...
i didnt get the miss selfridge job :( i had to pick out an oufit for a festival that was fun but they really wanted sum1 more permanent so im ok with it if i was staying and not going uni probs wud of got it ?? maybs
...
im suppose to b seein adam thurs but idk i think ive gone off him its just idk now i have a feeling its guna b awkward and i just dnt no how to act or b around ppl anymore i hate making new relationships with people i just cant b bothered and i dnt wanna lie to him bwt being mentally ill coz its a massive part of me idk especially when im guna b out patients at leeds (finally) ano so yeh i mite wait to c if he texts a tym to meet and if he dunt then it wasnt meant to be :S
...
going for a picnic in a bit with zainab even tho its freexing outsidee ive got a thick jumper on and hotpants haha ano i feel like such a fashion idiot today i dont fit into my size 6 leggings and i dont wanna rip them so im refusin to wear them until weight is off me
...
xx

waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways/heart ache...

ADAM never text me he said he came back wednesday and that he'd text me but he hasn't.
My sister said there is more fish in the sea but what if i dont want those fish i just wanted him.
I dont think it matters like it needs to be him he needs to save me make me happy i mean like when am i going to find another him? he was sooo right u no? like wow! for the first time i thought finally i'd met my type who actually liked me back but obviously not. :''''(
Im sick of rejection i cant handle it its like something some piece inside of me crumbles its not like i have a loving family and friends to give me that unconditional positive regard its just me. Im sick of being alone.
Adam i really really need u right now. I just want ur arms around me. Someone to tell me why the fuck im still living.
Pathetic.
...
Its raining really heavily here thunder and lighting. BEA-U-TiFUL!!!!
...
I had my interview today not guna get it got another 1 tomorrow at a famous high st shop not gunna get that either competition is fierce and i have to lie and say i dunno if im goin uni i was so scared to tell her the truth. Oh and ive got an appt with my new social worker at 9 that shud b fun. Im just gunna say that i dnt need her help coz im gunna kill myself one way or another.
...
Aeris off PA on tuesday cant fucking wait guna av a r8 catch up. Shes amazing i lovee her lotsee.
..
well im guna do sit ups im aiming for 300/400 then paint my nails then self harm i haven't dun it in ages but i dnt care anymore i just want to punish myself for being a total waste of space and contemplate how ugly i am.
adios!
much love
ill blog tmoz at thee library opefully
xx

we've only just begun...

I haven't wrote here in ages.

I just need to get a few things out.

*wipes away tears*

I dont know what im living for...

I feel numb like this isnt reality im not where i want to be.

I have no job

 no money

 i have rags for clothes

 my family dont give a shit

 im a hypocrite

IM FAT

IM UGLY

I want to die

Like sooo bad whats the point of living when its just gunna continue i feel like am a broken record saying the same things feeling the same shit feeling wearing the same clothes

i wanna get off this perverse merry go round

Where the fuck are u?

I need saving saving from myself

Can you have a personality transplant coz i need to sign up please?

I've just researched karen carpenter

she died of anorexia

im so fucked up that i envy that

i wish it wud take me instead of traping me toying with me dragging me to the brink only to fling me back for more

entangling me in this spider web of despair deceit and misery

SPIDERS= a symbol of poison

isnt it ironic that anorexia feeds off me just like a spider???

xx

last day pics

Im the one with the brown hair n stripey blue n white owl jumper.
Im fat ugly and disgusting i no :(
xx

Coldplay - Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall