well thats not fair...

Breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Remember to stop breathing.

Just stop.

One last time.


ER
xx

I can't...

I haven't wrote on here in like forever.
feel my life is on repeat sometimes, I can't ever change the cycle of depression, disappointment and misery.
I feel like I can't do anything right like I hate my Uni work and I don't feel like I can ever contemplate getting a job and actually be happy.
I cant get a bf or anyone to love me. I feel im searching in all the wrong places, why should I even be searching anyway?
I cant sometimes feel like just breaking down, staying in bed for hours on end and just being invisible.
I can't cope at uni my housemates are just unbelievable.

I'm on repeat aren't I?
 





























              ER
xx

Swim Good...

"If you’re reading this, if there’s air in your lungs on this November day, then there is still hope for you. Your story is still going. And maybe some things are true for all of us. Perhaps we all relate to pain. Perhaps we all relate to fear and loss and questions. And perhaps we all deserve to be honest, all deserve whatever help we need. Our stories are all so many things: Heavy and light. Beautiful and difficult. Hopeful and uncertain. But our stories aren’t finished yet. There is still time, for things to heal and change and grow. There is still time to be surprised. We are still going, you and I. We are stories still going.

me modelling...

"I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible,
and when I leave you will finally understand
why storms are named after people."

"I wanted to forget the past, but it refused to forget me; it waited for sleep, then cornered me."

- Margaret Atwood

Time heals nothing...

http://therearetwoofmenow.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/every-whisper-every-sigh-eats-away-at.html

"I loved too fiercely,
while you couldn’t feel at all.
And it ruined me."
xx

Hold On, We're Going Home...

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive...

80s baby xx

Do old scars ever stop hurting?...

I'm really stressed atm my skin is terrible i could be mistaken for a pizza right now.
...
So I went to Dublin for my 21st with my friend who turned 21.
Was Amazing and very crazy.
Anyone who hasn't visited Ireland must simply have to go! NOW haha such a cool place.
I went to see Micky Flanagan and if u dont know who that is I implore u to go and check him out.
I had a one night stand well I met a guy in a club he walked me bk to my hostel and coz I was staying with a friend we did it in the shower and I scraped all my back from it. Was in agony all last week. It hurt but idk why I didnt tell him to stop you knwo when ur in the moment and u dont want to disappoint them. I just dont get sex.
...
Uni is going really shit. I can't quite believe I'm still here. I can't really do the work well. I just think I'm really shit at it. :(
...
I'm so fed up in counselling as well she keeps saying she wants to touch base with my doctor but I'm like whats the point because I'm never going to the doctor coz they are shit. She just wont drop it and its pissing me off.

I feel hopeless.
It scares the hell out of me.
ER
xx

Don't know what I might do...

"I have scars on my hands from touching certain people."

- J. D. Salinger 

I'm living in a hell.
You might not know the ins and outs of my situation but I can tell you this is the closest thing to absolute misery...

So I fell out with this girl called L. She had been a dick all year proper bolshy and just basically not nice. Did a photo shoot with her said my make up made her look like a prostitute and she would hardly let me do her make up.
Then I just wanted to distance myself from her. Then we had an argument over text when I saw she uploaded images of her and our two friends saying besties when she completely left me out. So it kicked off and we haven't been the same since. back in December I signed a contract til June 14 to live in a house with her and her two friends.
As you can imagine its been awkward living here.I lock myself in my room most of the time. I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the one in the wrong. I cant breathe here they had a go at me for 'banging' doors and just stupid stuff which makes me more nervous and so I drop things and tip toe about. It seems madness when I'm paying £85 a week to live here excl. bills.
I don't feel like I have a true friend here. I feel so trapped and isolated.
I just want to go home.



All my love,
ER
xx

I got my red dress on tonight Dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight...

"I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I." Sylvia plath

I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be...

#



Between sleep and awake its a mental torture.
I can't stand it here.
And I can't leave this hell.
I just want to cry myself into oblivion.
ER
xx

simmer down and pucker up...

I'm sorry I've neglected you. My lovely wall of arms. maybe no one reads this anymore maybe I will just be talking to myself but here goes....

Summer has been so long, so beautiful, and so awful. people have come and gone. I wouldn't say I'm over mark still. I really dont wanna be with anyone else. maybe I just repel men that's why no one can stand me.
There was Rob bit geeky not my usual type. We met up and he kept saying this is really awkward. I told him about depression and he told me that I was making a big issue about it and that he couldnt be who I wanted him to be. Despite me saying I dont need anyone to save me he left and the Marylin Monroe quote echoing in my head, "if you can't handle me at my weakest you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". I love it.
...
Then I went on holiday. It was good but as soon as it came I knew uni loomed again.

I really didnt want to come home was awful on the plane journey home. My niece wouldn't sit still. I love them kind of holidays just sitting lounging near a pool not giving a fuck. Take me to the beach and I'll be eternally happy.

And so its my birthday today. Back at uni hating every minute. i don't know whether its depression or something that I've done and karma is being a bitch but it is just horrible here cant tell u how shit it is.

ER

XX

We can stop and we wont stop...

It feels like forever.
I'm so depressed. I cant function.
No words can describe the misery.

"Staying quiet doesn’t mean I’ve nothing to say. It means I don’t think you’re ready to hear my thoughts."

"I guess some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."

- Donnie Darko

ER
xx

"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you."

"Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone."

- Charles Bukowski

Know I’ve done wrong, left your heart torn Is that what devils do?

I NEED TO KNOW NOW, KNOW NOW, CAN YOU LOVE ME AGAIN?...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfihYWRWRTQ


http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/dont-call-me-crazy-episode-3-review




















ER
XX

I give you everything you want everything you need...

I feel lonely. So so fucking lonely...

ER

xx

Day to night, Night to day...

I can't quite believe it has been a week since i wrote here. Not that it is a chore but it just seems everything just happens and I'm left with the pieces.
...
I've stopped talking to the guy I kinda rebounded with after mark we had a big argument as he said to me just cheer up and I was like if it was that easy don't you think i would of done it by now?! But yeah we ended whatever we had. Maybe I've broke his heart which I didn't intend to do it just was going 100 mph and I froze with the devastation of a car crash.
...
I'm moving from halls to my house tomorrow which is shit for two reasons. My sister is driving me 200+miles to uni who I haven't spoken to for years so it will be very awkward along with the stress of my house mates it makes me feel sick when I think about being there again.
...
I have so much uncertainty at work with how many hours I'll get. with my bosses swapping I cant survive on less hours.:(
...
I cried for the first time last night for a while. Normally I blink them back but they just streamed down my face and I think it hit me the severity of my lonlieness. I've lost the man I love. I don't have a best friend and I'm just so lost and trapped with my life. I just duno how to get thru the next 72hours.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p01b871m/Dont_Call_Me_Crazy_Episode_1/
this was incredibly triggering for me please don't watch if you are very vulnerable.








All my love,
ER
xx

Pretty girl, you should be smiling a girl like you should never look so blue...

I wish this hell would stop.
I don't even know where to start the weeks just merge into each other and they turn crapper as it goes on.
Sick of being at work and for it to just dissapear at the end of the month to pay rent on a house I'm not living in nor do I ever want to!
I'm just tired of being so depressed and sad. I just want to be happy however hard I try to smile at work I always get people saying smile or some idiotic comment I'm just like I'm trying so hard to mask my depression but obv not well enough.
Sick of fake friends. The people I'm living with, just people at uni in general I really don't like them.
Plus I found out my friends here are going on holiday and haven't even asked me. I don't get people how I'm not even an option to some people. How I don't matter?
...
I'm really scared at work things are guna go downhill as were guna get a new boss and a new colleague. Just too much change atm is just making me worry and panic. I hate change. Worst thing ever.
...
I always come to write a post with all this stuff in my head the build up from the last post and when I do write nothing comes out nothing comes out in the right way or the right order. I apologise if anyone reads this and thinks scrambled eggs.

All my love,
ER
xx