Everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok its not the end...

ER
xx

Every time...

Come right this way, ride this way.
Follow, I promise you'll be okay.
Come this way.

Be that way. Be that way.
Want you, I need you to be okay.
But do they know?

No, I'm farther down!
Oh you're farther down!
No, I'm trapped.
Oh, you're trapped.

With every time I see you, I want to sail away.
With every time I see you, I want to sail away.

Through the night.
Black sounds great.
I know it'll be okay.
Just come this way.

Your feet on the dash.
Brake; we crash.
See you go flying out into the night.
Forever is past.

Do they bother down?
Oh, do they bother now?
Oooh you're trapped!
Oh, you're trapped.

With everytime I see you, I want to sail away.
With everytime I see you, I want to sail away.
The lights won't bridge the gap through their holiday.
With everytime I see you, I want to sail away.
Just sail away.

everytime.. now
everytime.. now
anytime..anytime
everytime.. now


With every time I see you, I want to sail away
With every time I see you, I want to sail away
The light won't bridge the gap through their holiday
With every time I see you, I want to sail away
Just sail away

Following my hectic weekend this week has been fairly subdued well for the most part I'm working my arse off more than ever not in the literal sense wouldn't that be better than the metaphorical? Whenever I get somewhere with it there's just another load of work to be done in its place. I think that's the same in the rest of my life with feelings, I just get over one lot of feelings and then BAM another set comes and with guys or friends or some problem its always unsafe to think you're out of the woods when you totally aren't your so far into the woods you are completely lost you know?, 
....
In counselling I think I'm making progress however small. I trust her and I know I can go and just be me I am dissociative I wont dare and wont ever look her in the eye I just cant. I don't know why I cant maybe its because it will be awkward then, then there will be a connection between me and what I am saying and I don't want that when I say things it should be a catharsis and not something I want to hold on to. Like a confessional I suppose. 
...
My eating is ok atm I'm at a normal weight its still underweight but something always brings me back like I managed to follow an anorexic girl down a shopping isle just focusing on her legs how fucking brilliantly skinny they were. I dont want to let go of thin but at the same time my body is saying yes. Eat 6 packets of crisps eat as much as you like because you're fat now and I'm never gunna let you go thin again.
...
I have another job interview. I cant mentally think about anything atm I think I am so fed up I cant function. Literally don't have the will to do anything.

make up and hair test

I love to be in this sadness and I will definitely let it kill me.

ER
xx

Broken..

I don't know what love is any more.

You don’t have my number we don’t need each other now...

I don't have friends. I was thinking yesterday how they've all gone.
It hurts you know? really really fucking hurts.
I'm not sure its a good thing? whether I should be ok with it?
whether I should want them to have a better life with me not a part of it?
I doubt they miss me as much as I miss them so idk
All I know there's this massive gaping hole in which I've used food as a comfort. BAD BITCH
Time doesn't make it hurt any less just makes it more painful that I'm a complete distant memory.
 I hate it. I really hate it and I wish I had some kind of power to stop it.
...
Everything has been so hectic.
I know that I'll have to walk outta here today with my mask on which I am so so so sick of wearing. Currently crying and in approx. 10mins time I have to act like everything is fine.
...
I modelled at LFW yesterday was a surreal experience that everything is based on aesthetics nothing else. people are bitches. Had such a shit experience I wanna sleep and forget the whole day.
...
I cant be bothered with anything. I just can't cope.
People treat me like shit. When all I do is try and try my best nothing is ever fucking enough.

I wanna be this carefree girl surrounded by the people who know me best.

I loved his jacket/gillet. He was amazing. So stylish LFW

I loved his necklace. But my stupid shitberry didn't pick it up.

In covent garden a man is floating!

My nails for her catwalk show aw 13

the docks in Southampton I love this. i love the sea air and I just love  sea voyages.

Very very rainy day in brighton maybe this might give me hope... It was the inspiration for my tattoo. back on my 18th I just knew.

Custom eyelashes I made in class inspired by aw 13 orange and colbalt blue will be big news.

 All my tears, (I've been crying throughout this post)
ER
xx

Enough to do this on my own I pack my bags to leave this town...

I took the Job I now have one! I will start 9th March Yay not I can't do it I cant do anything right just cant deal with anything.
I hate my fat stupid body.
I hate how people treat me like I'm nothing.
I'm fucking nothing.
I hate how people just cancel on me.
I hate that how I'm with people I just want them to stfu so I can make an excuse an leave I don't want to be with anyone.
I hate the fact that when my head hits the pillow that he thinks its a cue to start going into overdrive and thinking thinking thinking.
Just stop okay.
This is just fucking bullshit.
I will never amount to anything so why the fuck am I trying?!





I Just want to be saved.
ER
xx

Pretend it doesn't...

I went to London on Friday for the test hair and make up.It was good but it wasn't for what I was actually doing it was for a catwalk show for fall 13 not SS 13 so I wasn't pleased. The person messed me about saying travel expenses wasn't paid for which was too late as I'd already booked my ticket and then the following morning I had an email saying don't bother coming as we've found a local girl even when she knew I'd bought my tickets so in the end I went and the designer didn't even acknowledge me. Not until my make-up was applied and then she introduced herself. No thanks for coming all the way for modelling for her with no thanks or pay completely off my own back. To top things off her designer friend was emailing me wanting me or a friend to do another test shoot. No chance. I understand how models become so bitchy and depressed its ruthless and you don't get acknowledged or treated other than an inanimate object. You may as well be a mannequin.
...
So I went to Brighton today to a Vintage fair was really shit. Rained all the way so vile. I love being near the sea but the weather made me feel awful so hopeless so miserable.
...
I have a crush on a guy that works at a bar here. He has the most amazing smile. I don't wanna think about him but I can't stop! I don't wanna
...
I have a job offer but its only for 5 hours on a Saturday I dunno whether is worth it it means I cant go home because I'll have a job. I miss my dog and niece too much. but I need the money. I am so torn atm :(

All my love,
ER
xx

I think my head is going to explode/implode...

Told Lee to fuck off today. He asked why I ignored his booty call. i said it was because he ignored me then we argued and he didn't even apologise. So I told him to fuck off. I wont ever talk to him again. I dunno if I'm sad/angry by this I just feel awful. I would never dream of speaking to anyone like that but he just uses me so much and doesn't even care. I hate myself for being so mean but I was so frustrated with his nonchalance and how he doesn't give a shit when I do.
...
I have a model test shoot tomorrow at a leading UK hair salon but I can't afford to go. I keep binging and I've literally spent over £200 this week on food and just shit. I need to stop myself. have proper meals but I just cant its either binge or binge and eat a weeks worth of food in a couple of hours.
I just booked my travel spur of the moment watch her say no actually its not covered! :( Life just will do that to me I know it will.
...
Counselling today was interesting. I told her that I haven't got the energy to even wash any more. I can't remember the last time I had a shower neither can I remember the last time I actually cared how I looked. I say fuck it more and more often these days. I've become a vile human and I hate myself.
ER
xx

I'm already dead...

Monotonous crap. All I wanna do is crawl back into bed and forget about all the problems in my head. I just don't feel alive. the psychic said I need energy and I should do whatever it takes to make me feel more energized but I can't. I am gunna quit the gym I think I just can't bring myself to do it anymore. It makes me feel like shit that I cant exercise in the way that I want to.

If you could tell a younger you what would you say?
I would say don't take anything for granted. Make sure you utilise your abilities. Don't get caught by boys. They are just totally not worth the head fuck. And most importantly don't develop any mental health problems it will change you in a way that makes you a horrible bitter person.

All my love,
ER
xx

I've got burnt...

yet again.
I don't understand why I do it every time it ends in tears. I vow never to go back there again and then a month later it happens. I wish I could stop. I wish I could defy the force of the polar opposites that are dragging us back together and say no not again, not this time. I don't know why I don't learn. I remember how hurt I was last time yet I still play with fire and subsequently get burnt. I'm kindling and my hands should be unusable by now.
















ER
xx

TUNE!!!!!

Lithium..

DON'T you remember...

I went to see a psychic today one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Hopefully for the better.
he talked about me straight away. I had prescription drugs surrounding me. I have an exterior of a mouse but I really am a Lion.
I'm a spinning top that is out of control and I don't have any positive energy.
So many things my head is full.
So full.

xx