they'll forget your name soon, And won't nobody be to blame but yourself yeah...

Its your birthday tmorrow. Remember whens and we're soul mates? I don't even know you anymore. I'm broken coz your not here to fix me. ... Another slanging match on the phone. "very soon we'll get u an appointment" where've I heard that before... FUCK MY LIFE xx

Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name

I heard this this morning on the radio and it put me in such a gd mood. I mean fucking rage wat a TUNE!!!! Thanks fearne on radio 1 :) Then tbh it went down hill from there everything I planned to do went tits up just exhauseted me today. This is a shit post. I guess I just need to do something instead of lying in bed crying... I keep wanting to get thru my to do list but nothing is going to plan it is just making more shit when i try to sort it out...annoying much. I cba to talk to any1 or do anything. happy shit day tomorrow please kill me...

repulsive r us...



Save my FAT ARSE til the end ugh



I want you now I dont care how.....

I've been binging for almost over 2weeks. I need help before I seriously slit my wrists. I need help tonight. Just someone try not to let me cut then pour bleach over them..again. Just someone please? Please help me...

still dying with every breath I take...

I know this is blog saturation. But I know i just need to post right now. Not that anyone cares or reads this... I've had a shit 24 hours one minute im up the next I'm so depressed I cant even cope with the thoughts. I think I've successfully managed to push away someone who I love immensely. But doesn't love me back. Ive no Idea how I can cope without them. Just like I did with the rest. Ha Have I mentioned how lonely I am?? feel like I'm going round in circles I can never win never be happy just one piece of shit after another. Nothing to live for except the fear. the fear of ending it. Final. laying down standing waiting for the train is final. I'm not that strong enough yet I cant face another minute living like this. I've been binging I just want to feel something starving isnt working I just neeed food. I'm devouring everything biscuits big bags/multiple bags of crisps cakes, bread, ceareal bars, noodles everything I just need some comfort food is it atm. I think its that time of the month I feel like my insides are just guna explode out of me soon feel really bloated needless to say I want to absolutely shit my pants due to all this food i can just feel the fat clinging to my stomach its so so repulsive yet I cant stop. Its my body wanting my period to come lovely. UGH ... i just want to talk. To you to anyone. Dan was amazing last night. He made me smile even though I was going absoluetely mad. I'm so fucking crazy wat the fuck is wrong with me! I fucking love my best friend. i just dont know what to do. I'm so volatile vile vile mood. Thinking of switching my phone off and hiding it either that or chucking the fucker at the wall hoping that I hear it go off and its you making the effort... I'm sorry. xx

Brick by boring brick...



I love this!!!!!!



I dont like new blogger. i hate change. I fear it. Anyway paramore gold there love that song! Hmm so yeh where to start? I went back to school on wednesday for a presentation evening to collect a prize from my Alevels. It was the award for excellence in Economics :) and the sheffield Hallam student prize I think it was for getting over my predicted grades. the plaque is massive! no joke! i mite show u a pic? Anyway there was only about 20 students there out of a class of 350?lol The ones that turned up just ignored me i dnt care tho tbh. So I callected my award "here is *englishrose* 3 a levels 1 at A* an A and a B with an AS B and for extended project an A* she also wins the Economics prize and the sheffield hallam one as well. think i was only a couple who actually achieved A* and she spent the longest on me listing them all. i think that was the most proudest moment of my life the spotlights on me with lets say a little crowd knowing that i achieved that made me feel superior for once in my life not inferior. on paper i should be intellegent like a kind of genius? little did anyone know that I've been thru hell and back trying to be academic I had to fight for those grades when anorexia was dragging me under when i was self harming and ODing. School got me thru..now look at me...I'm reduced to this...I'm a shadow of that girl...i cant add up right...im so negative...i doubt myself and my abilities...am I the same person with all those letters??? ... I went to see the psychiatrist today DR Aldridge...he kept me waiting 20mins pet hate ugh he looked like Alan my therapist at Riverdale and spoke like him. hes much nicer than Dr Kelly. I spilled absolutely everything to him about the hallucinations everything I came out in tears. All he said was? I'll have to think about whats best?! yeh coz thats what the NHS pays for doesnt it? To let a fucking high risk patient go walking out when u've sat thru me fantasising about suicide for a good half hr to let me walk out with nothing? That appointment I've been waiting over a month for...It really is beyond belief. feel like Im screaming and no one can hear. i mean wow I have 100 followers? yet how do I feel like my blog is just unattainable? like no one cares not a single one outta 100 cares? idk if I shud b bothered like i no what the purpose of this blog is but...I guess I'm just incredibily lonely. I bough a top in topshop sale for £7 saying "you are born an original not to be copied" sourrounded by people with no one to talk to" lovee slogan tees! ... have you ever had a person who is ur rock and wish u had feelings for them? My friend Dan is AMAZING like seriously i love him to pieces. i just wish I could find a bf like him hes got a perfect personality. i just wish i was attracted to him. I mean theres nothing wrong with him hes good looking but i dont feel anything for him lookswise but I really wish I did. ... So yeh after today i feel really suicidal like theres no hope no one nothing to save me sooo tempted to lie on the tracks tomorrow. I'm breaking a promise? but where are u fucking now..when I need u? i was there for u... ... I'm working all earlies next week fuckk ... think I'm gunna go mad tomorrow I feel it. I need help. xx

come as you are, as you were as i want you to be, as a friend as a friend...

This is one of my best friends. She is the most amazing strong person I've ever known. At such a young age she was struck with really severe depression. Please watch this. It is so beautiful just like the author. I love you so so much honey. Please never give up!

hope everyones ok
keep strong
especially you
xx

i overdosed last nite i feel like shit idk wat to do

the end is where I begin...

I’m travelling back on the train and I cba to figure out the way to use the wifi. Tbh I fucking don’t care. So I’m having to write this out in word first ffs I just really wanna blog but idk guess this mite be published later.

I feel like a dick for writing this tbh I really wanted for these past few days to go well to make me happy but I think it’s done the opposite tbh. I think I’m more suicidal than ever L *sigh* I was suppose to be in a pact I knew that wouldn’t happen feel like shit to get you guys hopes up L im sorry I’m not dead yet but im working on it I promise ok?

I just feel so so alone and shit I dnt think anyone at all know how fucking messed up I am I just want to cry all the time I’m so emotional I started crying when I first got on the train I feel like doing it now tbh and when I get in my mums car to just tell her everything but I know for a fact that would just open another can of worms worms which I don’t want to be opened coz right before I went to meet my friend I condensed all my pills into 1 box and threw about 5 boxes away my mum being the dick that she is found them and started to panic I had to lie and tell her I hadn’t taken them well I haven’t well not yet anyway. I will do one day soon I can defo feel it .like I said before to you I'm ready to go I just know it ever since I stopped taking my antidepressants I suppose brought all my demons back myself. But at least I know they are real that is what I’m meant to feel I don’t deserve happiness. I was born to die I just know it.

I'm feeling even more alone than ever even visiting the person I was gunna  end it with. I just didn’t feel right I had a panic attack right in front of her so embarrassing at least tho someone out there knows I’m not making it up no one seems to care when I say I have them makes me so on edge like I just want to sit in a corner and cut n cry and ofc hyperventilate coz of the devil he always tells me to hold my breath constantly and that’s when it starts it just gets to me…

I still feel suicidal I think this weekend maybe tmoz nite I'll get really bad again and start to act upon these urges and thoughts. I don’t expect anyone to save me or say anything if I was u I'd all unfollow me nothing to see here except a mad woman on the beginning of the end...

xx

I'll leave the door on the latch if you ever come back, ever come back...

I know I've said this quite a bit in the past. But I think this is my last post. I've stopped taking my antidepressants I'm falling deeper and deeper into misery as each second ticks by. I'm not afraid anymore to die. It feels right. I've got my best friend. thats all I need. Just her, me and our pact. To die together. Not leave each other.
A life without her is like a life without air. I love her so much.

All my love,
Im signing off.
EnglishRose
xx

Defacing pictures of famous people on the train...

Parrallel Lines
I don't know why I'm allowed out.
walking the dog, such a normal thing.
Only I could turn it into a suicide attempt.

How dare you imprison the parrallel lines,
guard them rise and fall.
You wont deter me, Your steel strength is
no match for my suicidal shadow.

Every footstep devine.
Killer bee fuck off, making my heart race faster, how I
lower my tear filled eyes to your mercy.
East coast how you scream past and mock me.
I dont think I'll get off so likely.

Hurry up you stupid dog.
Put these constraints upon you,
you'll be better off without me.

I enter, smacking my head on the steel.
Stop! Look! Listen!
Slice this in half, screech over my hideous flaws
and make them obliviate.
Take me, splatter me between the rocks.
Maybe they'll know how lost I was.

xx