It's been a long day beautiful people. 8hrs shifts suck the life out of me. Fuck. I could cry now and i haven't even wrote anything.
wow
I need to get so much outta my head if it comes out and doesnt make sense i apologise now...my stream of consciousness...this is me now...unedited..
im sick of how fat i am i wasnt guna watch supersize v superskinny i dont wanna get dragged in again i watched the last half bwt the anorexic case study and omg she was beautiful her legs <3 <3 she was 5 stone 10 maybe and she was perfect made me feel shit after binging i just cant stop i no ive cut out most food groups, dairy, meat, most carbs and fish but i just binge on shit i really do its pissing me off i just need to get my control back you no? wow such a loser fat fat loser i havent weighed myself for ages i no im nt anorexic anymore just shit a piece of shit thats what i am im going to see my husband friday im really nervous i dont want to be awkward between us or anything but i just hate social situations i hate awkward silences makes me proper paranoid and omg at work i keep seeing things like i keep seeing pills on the floor but idk if they are real or not and i keep washing my hands they are really red coz i hate serving customers with yellow fingers ewwwww or money i can feel the tiny bugs crawling on my hands and they sting from heat rash all the time i still havent heard from the ppl i saw lst week they said they wud send me a letter ugh they need a mahoosive bomb up their arse! oh yeh duno wat to wear on friday want something kickass but ill be walking round london so i cnt wear heels but ive got ripples of fat so my clothes wont fit fuck idk wat to wear i want ppl to notice me to think she looks good but idk *sigh*
oh i want to show u my legs how ugly and fat they are and look at thinspo maybe it will give u motivation mite help me too

hideous legs of mine

beautiful legs of theirs
oh nearly forgot duh how could i ???
beautiful mess i do remember writing on ur blog and i did read your blog wondered where u went!? hope ur ok and i want to say thanku it really means a lot that u read
as well as all the other beautiful ppl
you no who u are
englishrose loves you
wow i really wanna get that printed on a t shirt then sell them haha

xx

Runaway..

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can

Runaway from me, baby
Runaway, runaway from me, baby
Runaway I'm about to get crazy, then runaway
Use the thug plan, runaway as fast as you can

Runaway from me, baby
Runaway, runaway from me, baby

I guess you knew another vantage
'Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don't know how I'ma manage
If one day you just up and leave

Skins episode 4 new series I think Number 6=always run away...

I overdosed yesterday.
no big
i just puked them straight up
very ill
absolute pathetic disaster.

AND OMG who is anonymous????
please please if u mean what u said about reading my blog please let me no who u are so i can thank you
it made me cry it touched me so much
xx

Every moment is another chance...

I am a wild one
Break me in
Saddle me up and lets begin
I am a wild one
Tame me now
Running with wolves
And i'm on the prowl

When i was younger I had a weekend Dad. He would promise me and my sister to go out somewhere, Meadowhall, the seaside, Eureka. God I lost count how many times he promised to take us there. Me and my sister used to sit in my mums room so we could see the road and try and spot a silver car. Silver mondeo this is him...hes actually on time. No not him. The next one will be him definately, he told us 2.00pm he'll be here soon. Its half 2. We always used to have bets if he would actually show up. It would always be me that had to ring him up on my nokia 3310 that he bought for me. Dad where are you? Are you coming today? No Claire's not very well, she had Anorexia, in and out of clinics or lee her son is isn't or I fell asleep or something came up. Claire was his 19 year old girlfriend/crack whore. She was younger than my eldest sister. She would always smoke in the car and flick her ash on me. She always took my Dads money. He bought her a house and a car. Looking back I think it triggered my Anorexia I loved him I just wanted him to love me back. I thought being Anorexic would make people care notice and love me how wrong I was. I have no1 left and its all my fault. He always made e believe anything is possible if you had money. Do whatever be whoever. I owe him so much but at the same time I pretend hes dead. It was all a lie.  Least she was better than what followed.
...
I dont know why I wrote that.
I'm hallucinating more. I'm so paranoid and alone.
Planning my 5th suicide attempt 26th Febuary  Wow sunday shittest day of the week.
suits me well then. Hope it will be the last. I'm finished with this life.
xx

It's relentless...

I need to get all this shit out of my head. Going a lil bit crazy.
I feel quite sick.
Fuck idk where to begin.
wow...
Ok so I had another panic attack and self harmed quite badly. I like the way it slices thru my skin using a blade now not the end of my tweezers dnt have to drag it across my skin to make me bleed. tmi?? sorry
I plucked up the courage to go to my gp it wasnt my usual one coz theres a 2week waiting list for her crazy right so I saw this man who wasnt helpful a 50 year old asian man. ugh I didnt no wat to say to him. I just said how I'm getting panic attacks and getting more depressed, I've got an app next week with the cmht then he just said wat do u want me to do about it??? I was like umm. Then he spun me some crap like I cant give you medication. Then he printed off that questionnaire bwt how depressed you are. Becks depression inventory. I scored highly on the likert scale surprise surprise! So he sent me back out to the waiting room said he was gunna ring the crisis team. It took ages. Then I had to ring them in a small room where everyone could hear. Someone from my primary school was in the waiting room as well so embarrassing. Charlie the crisis team arse hole was like speak up I cnt hear you. I was so pissed off that I had to have a receptionist with me so she could hear everything and all the ppl in the waiting room. I was boiling with anger. He kept saying what do you want us to do? It just made me feel really small like why would I want to speak to some tosser that thinks I'm mad? they come to your house the nxt day as well which I was just like I dont want that. In the end I put the phone down on him! eeks I'm sick of people not listening to me or give me the chance to speak like its pressurised just to get all your personal problems out to ppl over the phone? no way I'm guna do that. Can you imagine oh yeh I got strangled by the devil the other day I keep having panic attacks, I cant breathe, I self harm etc they'd be like were sending you to the funny farm right now! ugh pissed me off. So I'm just guna wait for my app. next thurs.
...
I'm getting a new phone today! Guna treat myself. Just I think I'll have like 2 people in my phone book people pissing me off atm.
...
Binging= I'm fat again I can feel my clothes getting tighter bye bye size six hello size eight tightness.
...
Turns out I'm not seeing my friends this week. probably why im so depressed. My friend slept with someones bf on valentines day! so shes pretty lost atm I duno wat to say to her? eeks
...
I got a valentines text from my husband which was nice. But made me sad that I was alone. :S Single awareness day it should be called.
I feel better writing it down. Gotta reply to so many emails  I've been putting them off.
xx

What didnt kill me never made me stronger at all...

I wanna be drunk when I wake up,On the right side of the wrong bed,And every excuse I made up, Tell you the truth I hate, What didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all,
Love will scar your makeup lip sticks to me, So now I'll maybe lean back there I'm sat here, wishing I was sober, I know i'll never hold you like I used to
But our house gets cold when you cut the heating,Without you to hold i'll be freezing, Can't rely on my heart to beat it Cause you take part of it every evening, Take words out of my mouth just from breathing, Replace with phrases like 'when you leaving me?'Should I, Should I,
Maybe I'll get drunk, again I'll be drunk, again, I'll be drunk, again To feel a little love.
I wanna hold your heart in both hands, Now I'll watch you fizzle at the bottom of a coke can, And i've got no plans for the weekend, So should we speak then? Keep it between friends? Though I know you'll never love me, like you used to
 There maybe other people like us, Will see the flicker of the clipper when they light our, Flames just create us, burns dont heal like before You dont hold me anymore

On cold days Coldplay's out like the band's name I know i cant heal things with a handshake You know i can change, as I began saying You cut me wide open like a landscape Open bottles of beer but never champagne To applaud you with the sound that my hands make
Should I? Should I? Maybe I'll get drunk, again I'll be drunk, again I'll be drunk, again To feel a little love

Love this song atm.
I've been really busy recently wow. Kinda liked it but so tiring at the same time travelling. Although I like it. Wish I could do it for a living.
...
I think I'm falling back/relapsing into anorexia again. something triggered me and I cant stop. Whenever I eat I just feel sick. So yeh dunno if thats a gd or a bad thing? I was so pissed off yesterday I could actually feel the anger inside of me. You no when ur sooo mad u start shaking? Thats what I was like.
...
Last night, your gunna think I'm crazy I know its mad myself but the devil tried strangling me. I'm being serious. Like I was in bed coz I had a bath but it stressed me out too much the effort of washing so I got out and sat and cried for bwt 10mins just wanting someone. When I lied down I felt really heavy like I was aware of my body against my bed. When I tried to move I couldn't then I breathed in and he told me to hold my breath and his fingers i could feel his fingers around my neck gripping me. I couldnt breathe but maybe coz I held my breathe it was like he wanted me to do it myself like I'd done it? I tried scratching his hands of my neck but i could feel them even more and my hands wouldn't move I was paralysed. I just couldn't move or fight him. And he keep paralysing me but I curled up in bed with my hand over my head covering my neck and exhausted I slept.
...
I keep haaving panic attacks as well it happened after that ^^ and a couple times last week. I hate the word anxiety but i just get so stressed I start to panic like my chest hurts thoughts just whirrr in my head and I cant breathe either its so scary.
...
I hope this week is busy. Suppose to be seeing a couple of ppl suppose to be getting drunk on friday "to feel a little love" but I cba I'm just no company atm I hate myself so much and I dnt want a panic attack.
xx

Born To Die

My 16th birthday meal..the start of everything. I cried on the way there. No1 knew how depressed I was.

Me before a house party where everyone came to know how much of a slag I am. That nite wass mentaal.

My curly mop.

This place is the top of a hill overlooking doncaster. Its beautiful. Ive overdosed twice here on the same bench.

I want my hair this long. Im so ugly in this photo.

I got spotted whilst walking in leeds for a fashion blog. Apparently I look good enough for a woman to chase after me to get my photo ;)

I like how thin my arm looks here.

Burns.

My once thigh gap. 43KGs here.

Cuts.

39kgs my lowest ever weight.

Broken foot walking too much...walking 8miles bk from skwl. lost my free trip to NY coz of it...

My life in pictures...It brings me pain to look at how desperate I have been. I think I am born to die..

Spanish Sahara the place that u wanna leave the horror in...

...its future rust its future dust...
Imm the fury in ur head I'm the fury in your bed.. I'm the ghost in the back of your head coz i am...
I keep listening to this at night when I cant get to sleep.
Its the 6th.
I planned ODing today.
I feel like crap.
Its been such a shit day.
Felt in the way.
Of everybody.
Hate work.
I hate fucking everything in my pathetic life.
Just wanna get away to my spanish sahara.
I would like to be stranded with yannis <3 he is yummy!!!
Fat bitch I had a sandwich today.
Fuck.
Why am I such a dick please. I wish I'd die ASAP.
Hope u feel the same.
waste of space.

xx

Skinny Love

I heard this cover on prisoners wives lol only watched it coz i have a girl crush on Emma Rigby lol
its hauntingly beautiful...

Positive things in my life.../Things to live for...

• 9th Febuary <3
• Seeing Rachel. 16th Febuary
• University interviews. 6th and 27th march
• Holiday to Salou. 18th May
• Whitney's wedding (im a bridesmaid) 4th August

Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
Gotta keep positive and have hope...
xx

I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hollowed ground...

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you, tear out all of your tenderness
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/florence_and_the_machine/howl.html ]And howl, howl
Howl, howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

And howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters

A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright
...
I'm feeling weird. Like one minute I'm ok. I can say that. I got interviews for Uni in March which makes me hopeful. Yet when darkness falls I become this "child possessed" this wolf like at night its so hard to contemplate getting up tomorrow. Thats when its at its worse and I just cry. Cry for someone. It's pathetic but all the doubt overshadows the hope I feel in the day. Does that make sense? Like wow. Maybe I am this warewolf that gets transformed at night. I'm quite busy at the moment which has made me binge. Totally not cool. Got to sort my shit out. Work and portfolio thats it. I cant face anything else in my life atm I cba to go out socialise. I was planning meeting a friend in a couple of weeks I dunno if I can. The darkness is overwhelming... the 6th on monday...restock my stash.

xx