What didnt kill me never made me stronger at all...

I wanna be drunk when I wake up,On the right side of the wrong bed,And every excuse I made up, Tell you the truth I hate, What didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all,
Love will scar your makeup lip sticks to me, So now I'll maybe lean back there I'm sat here, wishing I was sober, I know i'll never hold you like I used to
But our house gets cold when you cut the heating,Without you to hold i'll be freezing, Can't rely on my heart to beat it Cause you take part of it every evening, Take words out of my mouth just from breathing, Replace with phrases like 'when you leaving me?'Should I, Should I,
Maybe I'll get drunk, again I'll be drunk, again, I'll be drunk, again To feel a little love.
I wanna hold your heart in both hands, Now I'll watch you fizzle at the bottom of a coke can, And i've got no plans for the weekend, So should we speak then? Keep it between friends? Though I know you'll never love me, like you used to
 There maybe other people like us, Will see the flicker of the clipper when they light our, Flames just create us, burns dont heal like before You dont hold me anymore

On cold days Coldplay's out like the band's name I know i cant heal things with a handshake You know i can change, as I began saying You cut me wide open like a landscape Open bottles of beer but never champagne To applaud you with the sound that my hands make
Should I? Should I? Maybe I'll get drunk, again I'll be drunk, again I'll be drunk, again To feel a little love

Love this song atm.
I've been really busy recently wow. Kinda liked it but so tiring at the same time travelling. Although I like it. Wish I could do it for a living.
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I think I'm falling back/relapsing into anorexia again. something triggered me and I cant stop. Whenever I eat I just feel sick. So yeh dunno if thats a gd or a bad thing? I was so pissed off yesterday I could actually feel the anger inside of me. You no when ur sooo mad u start shaking? Thats what I was like.
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Last night, your gunna think I'm crazy I know its mad myself but the devil tried strangling me. I'm being serious. Like I was in bed coz I had a bath but it stressed me out too much the effort of washing so I got out and sat and cried for bwt 10mins just wanting someone. When I lied down I felt really heavy like I was aware of my body against my bed. When I tried to move I couldn't then I breathed in and he told me to hold my breath and his fingers i could feel his fingers around my neck gripping me. I couldnt breathe but maybe coz I held my breathe it was like he wanted me to do it myself like I'd done it? I tried scratching his hands of my neck but i could feel them even more and my hands wouldn't move I was paralysed. I just couldn't move or fight him. And he keep paralysing me but I curled up in bed with my hand over my head covering my neck and exhausted I slept.
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I keep haaving panic attacks as well it happened after that ^^ and a couple times last week. I hate the word anxiety but i just get so stressed I start to panic like my chest hurts thoughts just whirrr in my head and I cant breathe either its so scary.
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I hope this week is busy. Suppose to be seeing a couple of ppl suppose to be getting drunk on friday "to feel a little love" but I cba I'm just no company atm I hate myself so much and I dnt want a panic attack.
xx