You are creating all the bubbles at night I'm chasing round and trying to pop them all the time We don't need to trust a single word they say...

This post will probably take me a couple of days to write. I need to thank all the beautiful people on my blog listening to me moan and being supportive beyond what I ever dream of.
I was supposed to see him Monday, I text him Sunday asking if he still wanted to meet as the day before I text him wanting to Skype coz of my shit day, I came second to boxing. He said yeah. But when I said when and where he never replied until Monday when I was out shopping trying to not think about him.
It hit me. My whole world stopped revolving it caved in all around me. The words I never hoped I would hear but always dreaded. It was over he doesn't want anything more than friends he doesn't want a relationship or commitment. He could of stabbed me in the heart and ripped it out and stood on it. It would of been appropriate. It was over. I'd never see him again. I'd never get to touch him, smell him hold him in my arms and fall asleep next to him. It was over.
Now I'm left with the biggest decision. I don't want to lose him but I think I'm in love with the person I thought he was in the beginning which is not what he is now. That's just a memory now. I feel so insulted that he didn't tell me sooner! Why didn't he? I told him you just don't fuck about with peoples feelings you don't want to be with someone you just tell them why is there any need to hurt them? he would still have my respect if he had said as soon as he thought it instead of dragging it out and making me feel shit when he was ignoring me and making me feel like I was getting on to him for wanting to talk to him when he was supposedly busy. Why does this happen to me? Why can I find no guy that would like me enough to call me his? Am I that repulsive?
I went on the pill for him. he had sex with me knowing full well he didn't want a relationship.
I just am filled with hatred for him now. I don't think I could be friends with him I pray that he'll never text me again so I wont have to make that decision I mean how can I 'hang out' with him, look him in the eye and not feel a thing not remember us in bed together not remember us together being happy. I'm just disappointed that he's turned into something I never thought I'd witness in him. A selfish horrible man.

All my broken hearted love,
Always,
ER
xx

its all over...

me and mark ...

only know your lover when you let her go...

I saw Lee and his daughter today. I couldn't focus, those butterflies oh those butterflies. I was shaking. I was a nervous wreck. His eyes burning through me. Don't look miserable I say over and over. SHIT haven't got any make up on after waking up at 5 for this shit shift. FUCK. I look crap. Kill me know. I dare to look at him. That face that smile that body. I Shouldn't have. It was like I was transported back a year my whole body craving to be with him. How can he look so fucking hot? He makes me feel totally aware of myself. Self conscious. Its totally different to what I feel with Mark. With Mark I'm relaxed. I don't feel what I do with Mark with what I do with Lee. But I don't like Lee right? Lee,  the same sex mad person I hate?
Really starting to get sick of Mark he doesn't text me neither does he say anything remotely nice or comforting. He's not passionate neither is he clear. I can't read him. I think ever since his holiday he's realised that he loves being single and now he wants to do his own thing me not included.
Head fuck.








Help.
ER
xx

the struggle...

I don't know what to think any more.
I don't know what I want in life and my past is haunting me.
He's happy without me so why should I annoy him all the time?
I feel I have nothing to look forward to. October I will be back at uni. Isolated with a knife in my back and thorns coiled around my heart.
I want to just disappear.
They say you should focus on what you have got and not what you haven't but what happens if the only thing you have is depression?
Nothing more to my personality than the burden of this illness.
I can't do this.
I hate being ignored.
I love him but he doesn't love me and its the fucking story of my life.
I don't want to do this any more.
I'd rather be dead than live a second more.

Me and him the first time we met :/

I hate myself more than you could ever hate me.
I want to be dead.
ER.
xx

Nothing more I crave than a blackout Let there be no light...

I crave darkness. Solace.
Depression is a life sentence.
Its a disease of the mind.
No lights. Just glimmers. Fake glimmers.
That's the sadistic nature of depression.
I cut to get attention haha yeah course we do.
I don't trust anyone. Not even your grandmother.
Fuck everyone.
They're all too willing to stab you in the back.

All my pure hatred for this fucked up world
ER
xx

What use is freedom when you live in the gutter?...

I feel sick.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

I've been meaning to write on here for ages now. I'm sorry. I just cant find the words sometimes.
...
I feel lost. The guy I'm seeing has gone on holiday for a week and I'm just struggling without him. I keep thinking he's changed his mind or he's guna come back and realise he hasn't missed me at all and call everything off. Like I feel this hope in me fizzling out maybe I'm being irrational but I fear it so much its taking over me. I love him. And being without him is horrible. I cant function and I don't want to be left alone. I have no friends now I've left uni for summer and I am just getting by day by day wishing my life consisted of more. I don't want to work I'm not capable of working I'm working 3.30-11.00pm today and I cant bare it.
I need Diana. I pray he comes back and still wants me. It's just a sitting, waiting and wishing game until then...





All my love,
ER
xx

Where broken hearts mend and start to beat again The end is where we begin...

I'm going home tomorrow for Summer. I can't quite believe I've done a year at Uni. I'm in the middle of packing and I feel this great pit of sadness. It's become home despite how shit it is. It was home and now I duno where to call home. I had a massive argument with a girl I'm living with next year and I just think this isn't a good place to end or to begin. I just want everything to be ok and It's just not and I don't know how to make it ok. I cant do anything right. The sadness is just crippling at the moment. I know I need Diana.

ER
xx

I've been waiting all night for you to tell me Tell me that you need me. Tell me that you want me...

We've known each other just short of a month. My life depends on him. He's the first person I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. I think I've fallen in love with him. He's gorgeous, funny and kind. But he doesn't feel it back. I'm just waiting for the moment that he breaks my heart into a million tiny little shards and says I don't think this is working out, you're boring, you're ugly and I don't want to talk to you any more. Before I met him in person he was so attentive so loving he wanted me and when I've come back here its like he's a different person. A guy that doesn't know what he wants except for anything but me.
The thought of him saying that is eating me alive. I just want some inkling that this is still him, still the same person I met a month ago. The same person. I don't wanna say anything to anyone coz if I say it it will become a self fulfilling thing I've conjured it. Everything is my fault. I feel like everything is slipping through my hands like sand and no matter how hard I try to stop it, I just keep losing.


ER
xx

Lost in the heat of it all...

Do you ever feel like something isn't right? And you think of all the things wrong or missing from your life and just think there isn't a word that encompasses the pain from the something you're missing?
I just want to cry.
I let things get to me so much.
I don't want to eat. I've been avoiding food and I'm starting to be repulsed by it.
I just want solace.
Sweet solace.
No drama, no doubts or worries just happiness.


All my hopelessness,
ER
xx