I know my destination but i'm just not there...

I dont know who i am.

I think I'm over it.

It referring to this life i'm not living.

I dont have anorexia.

I'm not that 16 yr old wishing for someone to love her.

I'm that 18year old (nearly 19) wanting love. Demanding it to complete my existence.

I dont know who i am for 3/4years now.

This inbetween person i've been is a monster a horrible creation.

"destruction is a form of creation"

Its not me.

I dont know who i want to be or how to change.

Am i changed?

Eating at least 10 biscuits a day for the past two weeks am i un- anorexic??

Im so confused.

I cant restrict my emotions bring me down into this fatness.

Andd i cant stop eating.

Even when im FULL.

Im not that anorexic 16 year old wanting attention.

I am nothing.

English rose are you there...

http://www.selfdiscoveryportal.com/arIdentity.htm

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/dissociative_disorders#what

xx

Love drunk you and i will die sober...

xx

Therapy...

Maybe this post is guna be quite heavy/deep so those of a nervous disposition look away now :P aha
...
So as the title suggests theapy was pretty umm soul searching yesterday. She made me go through my list of dietary rules and she made me list where they've come from. Every single one i've made up and tbh they have no relevance. I live by a set of solid 13 rules (there are more) but each and everyone is unachieveable and unsustainable. She kept repeating i set myself up to fail. Fasting, restcting living by these rules. No wonder i punish myself. They are important incredibily so. But why? Why are they so ridgid and control me every waking moment? Rules that i set, that i break, that i punish. I think im insane just talking about them. To another person reading them it must be like WTF?
...
Another thing she said which made me like what am i doing? was that i need to change the rules in order to be happy. I cant be happy with the rules in place. She was like you can have the life, but the rules will be following you all the way down the M1 when i'm in lodon. Nothing is guna make me happy until i dont live by them. Its just guna be a continual depressive life. Until i allow a life free from rules. Free from the clutches of Anorexia Nervosa, Severe depression, Adjustment dissorder, OCD, and Borderline Personality disorder. 
xx

AAnnnd it feeeels like jealousy...

I want a life.
With Money, great job, amazing family and friends, a social life, most importantly a life free from this depression.
I know i dont deserve any of this or am ever guna achieve happiness.
Remind me why i'm still here?
...
Leeds today. I hope she doesnt weigh me even if she wants too i'm guna refuse. I'm not guna let her read my food diary. It's so shameful. I hate it.
...
Got my samaritans interview today lets hope i can be a listening volunteer. I'm not sure if i could help someone without giving them direct advice tho gunna b tricky.
...
My mum keeps buying me food that i love. She can see the pain in my face.. the distant look where i just cant stand to be here. She knows i'm depressed.Work is taking its toll. I did leilas shift 8-2 then my shift 5-8 im soo exhausted but the sun is shining ffs so i cant sleep. :/ Plus i keep crying and hearing that fucking self scan woman
"Please put your items in the bagging area" "insert cash or select pay with card" "key in code or look up item" arggh shes haunting me !!! haha

xx

Turn my dark days into light years...

I'm in one of those moods...
You no... the feeling??
Depression
Dee Press Shion
Depression.
 I feel like somethings Pressed on me
Suffocating.
It's like saddness crashes over me like a wave on a rock.
CRASH
As the water levels rise in my eyes like a washing machine filling up with water.
A spin cycle?
Behind my eyes my mind is spinning faster than the washing machine drum.
It's times like these when i just need to go, run, somewhere fast, away from myself.
My fat, ugly, disgusting self.
I want to just be unconsious.
Peace
+ quiet no battles i have to fight eveery day.
I want to put own the armour. Its too heavy. Its "weighing" me down.

Are you in the game?

GW1 : 45kgs
GW2 : 41kgs
GW3 : 38kgs = perfection

xx

Gold Silver bronze...

.... got my A level results...
A* economics
A psychology
B English literature

dissapointed with psychology should have been A* im gutted i feel like a failure i shud of had that nailed argh im so ashamed :/

xx

My form/university challenge buddy :)...

michelles birthday party meal

Michelle made these shes so talented!

I'm workin loads this week
Today and thurs is my days off
Dreading thursday
Fuck
ope every1s ok
xx

I dont need a parachute...

LET ME DIE
I really need someone right now :'(

Well formally i still fit the anorexia nervosa label i still have it even tho im the size of a whale!
my bmi is 16.5 way way way too big.
Ive gotta write a food diary and my thoughts and feelings around food ive eaten whic will be simple opefully it wont be too ful this week
shopped in leeds cudda bought a few things if i weren't skint!
oh well
back to the shit life
gotta go again next thurs the joy!

FUCK FUCK FUCK
im at 47.8kgs
bollocks
i feel like crying

Every finish line is the beginning of a new race...

I've been working sooo much atm and all next week is guna be manic as im working for a new supermarket
thats just opening up in my village very scary muggings here has got to be sering customers on tills!.
Do they not get that im rubbish with customers and am the most depressing shy person going??
I hate having to be all smiley when all i wanna do is crawl into bed :(

...
Leeds tomorrow fuck have lost no weight all time high. Shes guna be like wtf are you doing here? You haven't got anorexia. Your fat. Stop wasting my time.!

"i am I am I AM"...

LOVE LoVe LOVE the sea side :)

HATE HATE HATE mY FAT BODY!!!
I am so so ashamed!

GoOd MoRniNg!!

NOT
BINGED last nite
..
3 chocolate digestives
2 custard creams
1 digestive biscuit
a breakaway
2 packets of doritos
2 slices of toast
FML
I was doing so well yest aswell until 6 ish then i just wanted food
This morning i woke up with the biggest love handles, my sides are so tender from all the globules of fat congregating there. Party on my hips!!!
...
I'm reading this book "50 ways to find a lover" its really funny the story is really down to earth i like it i've read half of it in a day or so.
...
Going to thee maternity ward tooday dunno wat to wear something to cover the rolls of fat on mi stomach.
FLOATY
:/
sorry for this totally uninteresting post im feeling like a total minger atm all i wanna do is fuck off over a cliff or something. I know im a total waste of space atm.

xx

I am the kid that no one cares about...

What an absolute boring boring day its been!
I have done nothing which is a recipie for a binge. First day in like a week i havent binged like eat chocolate biscuits,crisps and a million slices of bread although ive had 8 slices of bread today eeks
I am Fat realy fat like 7 and a half stone fat 103lbs ugh bmi 15.2 :'''(
i wanted to be at least 6 and a half by this tym FML
I really wanna fast til sun but i know when it comes to morning ill be like TOAST!!!
I think im actually addicted to white bread and toast makes me bloated sooo much :( FAT
another day of boredom. I need something to do. I tidied my desk which was full of shit from my childhood i was really sad back then full of hatred. I think it's inevitable i've turned out like this.
The OP app is getting near and im dreading it i dnt wanna b weighed :(
...

I really wanna look like her ^^^
Long hair thin legs cool style and beauiful.
xx

Ed Sheeran - You Need Me, I Don't Need You (Official Video)

"Dont let your flaws define who you really are"...

I WIll NOT LET A MAN DEFINE ME!
I've been sad about Adam idk why its not like we were anything just umm... i want to feel loved i guess?
...
The fast is non existent !
I hate myself for continual binging idk why i cant stop so
I'm not guna to do a fast again until im in the zone im sick of the binge/fast cycle im stuck in and it never helps me anyway to loose weight i just gain it back as soon as i end the fast so i'm slowly restricting i know it will take me forever but i think i feel more in control that way. But i hope ppl r safe and do well on their fast :)
...
I've got a job wooh!!!!! hehe :D
I'm so surprised that i actually finally did it im guna be working at asda :) start on monday finally have some money to buy my university things with so i'm happy bwt that.
...
Idk whether anyone heard the news yest but it was about people as young as 5 having an ED which really pisses me off coz the "Oh they want to be size zero" card comes out and coz im a BEAT ambassador they wanted me to go on the media to talk bwt it but i was like delete email. Then me and my mum was watching the news and it was on and the person who is in charge of Beat relations was talking and he said that EDs are a serious mental illness and from then on my mum was like "so how do you feel being classed as seriously mentally ill" and questions like that i was like umm i've just accepted it i guess then the whole riverdale clinic came up. There was a time i would want her to understand but atm i just feel like i dont have an ED when i eat/ binge continuously i know tho like 60+ % of ppl with an ED are overweight but its hard to accept or acknowledge that i have an ED sometimes?
...
Thankyou for the comments on my last post. I self harm when im binging coz i have to punish /hurt myself that i need to do something to myself to gain control. I used to self harm because i was lonely/sad/depressed/angry now i just do it coz i've eaten. I dont know the right quantity or even when im full anymore all i know is food food food is always on my mind. My mum noticed my burn and she said plainly "Stop messing about!".
xx