Friday, 18 February 2011
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Hate is a strong emotion + coupled with an array of other intense emotions its consuming me...
I was sat on the bus today and this woman started talking really loud on the phone and she said this guy who she was talking about was too thin and she told her mate that he was thin as a pole like she was clearly insulting him for being thin and then she said hes anorexic because hes too thin.
I was ready to say something but this woman with one of those stupid old biddy shopping trolleys was in the way, if i had said something it would have gone like this...
"You shouldn't joke about people having anorexia, anorexia is a illness same like cancer would you joke about someone being like a bald cancer patient!?
Being stuck in hospital for anorexia was no joke its a serious mental illness and while your so narrow minded and ignorant joking about an illness is disgusting and i hope that you think twice next time you shout out your conversations on the bus!"
Argh man ppl are annoying!
Plus surprise surprise ive binged I FUCKING HATE MYSELF
Time for some self harm your such a vile disgusting girl who doesnt deserve life!
I was ready to say something but this woman with one of those stupid old biddy shopping trolleys was in the way, if i had said something it would have gone like this...
"You shouldn't joke about people having anorexia, anorexia is a illness same like cancer would you joke about someone being like a bald cancer patient!?
Being stuck in hospital for anorexia was no joke its a serious mental illness and while your so narrow minded and ignorant joking about an illness is disgusting and i hope that you think twice next time you shout out your conversations on the bus!"
Argh man ppl are annoying!
Plus surprise surprise ive binged I FUCKING HATE MYSELF
Time for some self harm your such a vile disgusting girl who doesnt deserve life!
Monday, 14 February 2011
I cant get no sleep...
Faithless song = TUNE!!!!! XD
haha
i really wanted to see them back in december with example but stupid gregory was skint :( would have been a r8 gd nite
Anyway im sat in the library in my free and i have 43 mins left to be precise on the computer i have so many internet related things to do! eek Just catched up on your lovely blogs for some reason tho Thinspiration pictures is denied as it contains violence wtf? Bit pissed off like i need some motivation atm. Oh and the reason why im always replying in the lib now is that my sisters internet bill is through the roof coz i spent waaay too much time on here PT and PA :P oopsee haha so i cant really sneek on it anymore.
I need to reply to Aeris email too <3 hopefully meeting up in half term loves her :)
anddd not forgetting farrah you cheered me up with your cheeky text :) omg seth rogan !!! lols not my cuppa lovee haha
Umm i have no idea what to write-the day has been pretty boring tbh surpise surprise no one loves me
i decided to cheer myself up by dressing nice and putting eyeliner on and two male teachers have said how smart i look lmao way to go!! lol FAIL anyway i dont care geek chic thee way forward :B
so yeh i woke up at 2.00AM what a joke i watched some crappy marriage mansion i think it was called it was either that or tis program with scottish heritage decisions decisions insomnia is a joke atm i dont know whether im waking up coz im hungry,not tired or cold?
Anyone no how to get to sleep?
...
Weight loss is a nightmare atm i think im stuck at 44.5kgs which is ridculously huge! even tho im eating way less i just dont seem to be loosing any and its soo demoralising seeing the scales everymorning
Ive even made sticky notes to remind me of my target in my room i think i am actually going mad
NOTE TO SELF; must try harder!
xx
haha
i really wanted to see them back in december with example but stupid gregory was skint :( would have been a r8 gd nite
Anyway im sat in the library in my free and i have 43 mins left to be precise on the computer i have so many internet related things to do! eek Just catched up on your lovely blogs for some reason tho Thinspiration pictures is denied as it contains violence wtf? Bit pissed off like i need some motivation atm. Oh and the reason why im always replying in the lib now is that my sisters internet bill is through the roof coz i spent waaay too much time on here PT and PA :P oopsee haha so i cant really sneek on it anymore.
I need to reply to Aeris email too <3 hopefully meeting up in half term loves her :)
anddd not forgetting farrah you cheered me up with your cheeky text :) omg seth rogan !!! lols not my cuppa lovee haha
Umm i have no idea what to write-the day has been pretty boring tbh surpise surprise no one loves me
i decided to cheer myself up by dressing nice and putting eyeliner on and two male teachers have said how smart i look lmao way to go!! lol FAIL anyway i dont care geek chic thee way forward :B
so yeh i woke up at 2.00AM what a joke i watched some crappy marriage mansion i think it was called it was either that or tis program with scottish heritage decisions decisions insomnia is a joke atm i dont know whether im waking up coz im hungry,not tired or cold?
Anyone no how to get to sleep?
...
Weight loss is a nightmare atm i think im stuck at 44.5kgs which is ridculously huge! even tho im eating way less i just dont seem to be loosing any and its soo demoralising seeing the scales everymorning
Ive even made sticky notes to remind me of my target in my room i think i am actually going mad
NOTE TO SELF; must try harder!
xx
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Silvia Plath i <3 you
xx
Tulips
The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.
They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.
My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.
I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.
I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.
The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.
Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.
Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.
The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.
xx
Tulips
The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.
They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.
My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.
I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.
I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.
The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.
Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.
Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.
The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Whatevers left...
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of this girl that was once Called *englishrose*
Her arm once so pure delicate soft skin,
is now dirty , tainted with red trackmarks.
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of that smile,
Her face ruined with the pain of that long lost emotion
now alien to imagine.
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of that personality,
Her stupid jokes which always made her the centre of
her friends' conversations.
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of that voice
Her once so fluent speech precise and filled with passion.
Whatevers left?
Whatevers left i dont want her, no one wants her.
Her body, an empty shell of nothingness.
R.I.P That girl once living.
...
Whatevers left of this girl that was once Called *englishrose*
Her arm once so pure delicate soft skin,
is now dirty , tainted with red trackmarks.
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of that smile,
Her face ruined with the pain of that long lost emotion
now alien to imagine.
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of that personality,
Her stupid jokes which always made her the centre of
her friends' conversations.
Whatevers left,
Whatevers left of that voice
Her once so fluent speech precise and filled with passion.
Whatevers left?
Whatevers left i dont want her, no one wants her.
Her body, an empty shell of nothingness.
R.I.P That girl once living.
...
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
I cant stop this feeling i've got...
I REALLY REALLY wanna cut!
I feel like a whale, i'm ugly i feel so shit and and...suicidal i juss got this burning urge to run outta the house and lie in the road.
I wanna be k i HATE this "feeling"
I feel like a whale, i'm ugly i feel so shit and and...suicidal i juss got this burning urge to run outta the house and lie in the road.
I wanna be k i HATE this "feeling"
Monday, 7 February 2011
Night falls and towns become circuit boards we can beat the sun as long as we keep moving...
Eventful weekend i must say! haha
Manchester was amazing i loved it just to let my hair down for once and start to live and realise there is a whole world out there free from the constraints of an Ed
"I believe theres a world that expands way beyond this field of dreams were dancing in and i want to see that world"
Had a cheeky dance and kiss :) Good nightclub 5th Av.
Got pissed hehe its been ages since i've been that fucked :P
xx
Manchester was amazing i loved it just to let my hair down for once and start to live and realise there is a whole world out there free from the constraints of an Ed
"I believe theres a world that expands way beyond this field of dreams were dancing in and i want to see that world"
Had a cheeky dance and kiss :) Good nightclub 5th Av.
Got pissed hehe its been ages since i've been that fucked :P
xx
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Long time no speak...
If anyone cares...
Sorry i havent been on had MAJOR exam stress. Think I've failed them all :( I didn't want to get distracted on here and PT and PA so I went away for a while....
But I'm back (ano i hear you groan) and I'm more determined than ever.
...
I've gained 5kgs of awful FAT I just feel so ashamed it didn't help me concentrate or feel better about myself it was just a ploy to help me channel my stress of exams through eating which, hell i liked and boy did i eat alot. I could feel all my clothes were bulgy and clingy it wasnt nice it made me feel so worthless and a cheater.
I've started fasting now down to 43kgs this morning but its a far cry from 39kgs b4 xams thats my goal for now get back to 39kgs i was so happy back then n I will be back there!.
...
So whats new?
nothing much same old same old I think I've actually got more isolated and shut off in my own world. I just need to become a person I can like and this isn't me atm. I've started my new year again and i've made a list of a new year plan and aspirations that i hope 2011 will fulfill. So i gotta concentrate on making those happen :)
....
My sister is pregnant! Its a disaster honestly i cant stand kids so glad hopefully ill be at uni so i wont be around her or her baby. Shes keeping it even tho she hasn't got a house of her own, no job, no career, no money and no Bf. Good luck to her is all i can say but its not my decision and i have no right to say whats right and wrong i would actually go mad in that situation.
...
It's my other sisters birthday on sat shes 30 and were going out round Manchester so i'm really excited about that but its gunna be cold and rainy and its guna be awkward with all of us together. I hope i bag myself a cheeky 'un to av a dance with ;)
...
Whats really depressing me atm I wrote bwt Alex previously b4 xmas n after xmas after we came back to school i started to see him with his girlfriend. It breaks my heart everytime i see them together happy yet im not still stuck in the same old ways with the ame shit life while hes happy. It really really makes me sad im even filling up now just writing about him.
...
right well i best get off i need to buy my sister a present plus im on the library computer so i only have 23 mins left. I need to catch up on all ur blogs and dw i will do ive missed reading about your lives so much! lol
i sound like a right creeper :P
xx
Sorry i havent been on had MAJOR exam stress. Think I've failed them all :( I didn't want to get distracted on here and PT and PA so I went away for a while....
But I'm back (ano i hear you groan) and I'm more determined than ever.
...
I've gained 5kgs of awful FAT I just feel so ashamed it didn't help me concentrate or feel better about myself it was just a ploy to help me channel my stress of exams through eating which, hell i liked and boy did i eat alot. I could feel all my clothes were bulgy and clingy it wasnt nice it made me feel so worthless and a cheater.
I've started fasting now down to 43kgs this morning but its a far cry from 39kgs b4 xams thats my goal for now get back to 39kgs i was so happy back then n I will be back there!.
...
So whats new?
nothing much same old same old I think I've actually got more isolated and shut off in my own world. I just need to become a person I can like and this isn't me atm. I've started my new year again and i've made a list of a new year plan and aspirations that i hope 2011 will fulfill. So i gotta concentrate on making those happen :)
....
My sister is pregnant! Its a disaster honestly i cant stand kids so glad hopefully ill be at uni so i wont be around her or her baby. Shes keeping it even tho she hasn't got a house of her own, no job, no career, no money and no Bf. Good luck to her is all i can say but its not my decision and i have no right to say whats right and wrong i would actually go mad in that situation.
...
It's my other sisters birthday on sat shes 30 and were going out round Manchester so i'm really excited about that but its gunna be cold and rainy and its guna be awkward with all of us together. I hope i bag myself a cheeky 'un to av a dance with ;)
...
Whats really depressing me atm I wrote bwt Alex previously b4 xmas n after xmas after we came back to school i started to see him with his girlfriend. It breaks my heart everytime i see them together happy yet im not still stuck in the same old ways with the ame shit life while hes happy. It really really makes me sad im even filling up now just writing about him.
...
right well i best get off i need to buy my sister a present plus im on the library computer so i only have 23 mins left. I need to catch up on all ur blogs and dw i will do ive missed reading about your lives so much! lol
i sound like a right creeper :P
xx
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