were not the same...

you girls are thin you have an eating disorder.
I dont, not anymore.
It still bothers me that I cant fit into the clothes I want and I hate my reflection but no! I'm sick of looking at thinspo and drowning my sorrows in food. Why does it have the opposite effect??? binging, constantly binging. I hate the way I look. HATE. I know I'm ugly and a waste of space. I'm tired of this. Tired of living. Tired of eating and being depressed. I just want out.
LET ME OUT!LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!

LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!

turn away coz i need you more...

I text and rang him last night.

Needless to say he never text me back.

I hope that one day he will find someone who will love him.

And walk out on him when he needs them the most.

When he's ill and reached rock bottom.

I hope they leave him.

Then he has just a slight feeling of how I feel right now. 

I wish I died that night.

He saved me, to keep me alive, to torture me.

I give in...

xx

Got to be starting something...

I went to a university open day yesterday I was hungover from the night before which btw was a complete disaster. I saw a guy who I got with last week and he just ignored me. I didn't have any sleep and I travelled from london to Preston which took 2 hrs maybe more on the train. I was guna do reading for my essay but I couldn't I was too tired and I was too depressed to. I need to do my essays today but as I've woken up I just think fuck no I cba all I wanna do is cry and crawl back into my bed. I binged so much yesterday I'm guna spare you the details but it was disgusting. So yeh Ive got 2 essays to do a relective piece and got to prepare my presentation for tomorrow. I dont think Ill be able to write in this state. I look like I havent washed my hair in ages, I have massive circles under my eyes and I have such a bad sore throat from binging. Rough.com Anyway I was so tempted to text/ring him yesterday. I stopped myself. Because I know he'll just ignore me. I wouldn't be surprised if hes blocked my number. FUCK It's so hard to no that someone doesnt love you even though you love them more than life.  You have no idea how much I love him.
...
I'm starting a new diet today because this binging is fucked up.
10 grapes for breakfast
salad for lunch
snack a jacks and a scone for snack
beans for tea
I know thats too much but I need to adjust from eating like 4000 cals yest binging
from monday it will be just breakfast and salad :). No buying junk food else I'll backrupt myself.
...
I'm seeing the eating disorders unit on wednesday so I need to fix up. I know my bmi is 17+ so I'm not anorexic anymore but by xmas I want to be 40kgs again like last xmas. Thats where I wanna be. I hope I get there and please feel free to shout at me to keep me on track k? Thanks. Oh and the guy I see is really lovely maybe too lovely for me to properly engage with. Kinda have a crush on him thats soo bad coz hes like 33 lol he's just so down to earth and when I said I'm suicidal all the time he was like idk what to do can I get my doctor for advice which made me laugh inside that I've done it too another person being too much to handle yet I walk around with this fake persona everyone thinking I'm fine but when I tell people how fucked up I am they dont have a clue what to do. Thats when people really listen to me some people dont acknowledge how bad it is. I know I should be sectioned by now. He wrote me a note for next week session to "stay alive til then" so I am for him and not cutting. Coz thats how you keep promises. So yeh I've wrote a letter/story of my life that I'm gunaa tell him bwt the 6th November why its so fucking lethal to me. Instead of talking meal plans and food.
Muchos love
xx

I'm so alone.
I cant live without him...
xx

I've loved and I've lost...

I'm Ok well still alive unfortunetely.

Alot has happened since that night. Bad stuff.
So the 6th Novemeber. This ones for you...

I posted my last entry right before I attempted suicide. I text Patrick, the guy I'm in love with, the person I bang on about in all my posts, what I was doing. Overdosing and drinking vodka. We spent 6 hours talking to each other. He pleaded with me to stop but I didn't. I overdosed. I just wanted to die. Right there with his voice the last sound. I was a mess. I kept passing out. Hearing his voice distant, ending up on the floor wondering how the fuck I got there. He said he loved me. That on the 19th he would ask me to be his gf. I couldn't have been more happy. Yet so so sad. He couldn't be there with me. I went to university the next day in a blur. On a massive head rush and tired as hell. Only to get back to the most devestating news...
He eneded it with me he told his parents and told a counsellor about me. That I was too stressful to him. I wasn't allowed to contact him anymore ever and that I should phone samaritans. I could of died then just from my heart shattering into a thousand pieces. It was less than 24hrs that he told me he loved me wanted me to be his and planning our future together. Right there he was leaving me again. Even more fragile. When I needed him the most he fucking left me. How could he do that???
The worst news was yet to come. A girl in the corridor above me actually killed herself the night I tried. she overdosed. But changed he mind rang for an ambulance but it was too late. It should have been me. I should be in a coffin right now not her. Im the one who is suppose to be dead. I want it she didin't. R.I.P Melanie.

...

University is breaking me. I cant stay here I'll end up dead. I dont trust myself. I've got another stash ready...

...
thankyou to everyones support. You guys are amazing. <3
All my love English Rose.

xx

This is it...

I've self harmed too much.
My arm is a state.
I'm ready to go 6th Novemeber you always beat me but this time I'm ready to go with you.
So this is it :')
I'm signing off guys.
Love you all.

Goodbye

http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.com/2010/11/suicide.html
xx

BOOM BOOM BOOM even brighter than the moon moon moon...

The day has nearly arrived I stood in the pharmacy for well over 10mins just staring at paracetamol. Feeling absolutely sick remembering the last time...it was awful.
...
We texted for 3 hours yesterday as I sent him my letter/suicide note. He talked me down, I think. We're meeting on the 19th hopefully? Doubt it will happen. I'm not sure I'll make it.
...
I went shopping in Wimbledon today have to say it wasn't that great bit of a let down.
I bought a few things from H n M wish I had more money I want a leather jacket :)
...
tomorrow is gunna be soo hard to get thru. how am I guna cope?
xx

baby I can talk you down...

"we're standing on a tiny ledge and before this goes over the edge I'm guna use my heart and not my head"   coz if u go I go <3

i wrote him a letter yesterday. Idk whether to tell him or not. Do I waste my time any longer on him???
I'm guna make an effort to read more and go explore ldn. Not sitting here wishing I was dead. I've spent far too long doing that.
xx

No love lost no love found...

I feel so stupid for writing this.
Like I'm a nobody a negative of a person.
It's weird how u plan things but nothing goes to plan just because you've planned it.
None of this was suppose to happen. Whatever happened to love stories and real life miracles?
I live a lie.
This week I was soo set on killing myself. I still do but realistically I'll have to die a long and painful death before that happens. I wish there was a pill that I could take just to be dead. Something that I want more than anything just to not have to think, wake up everyday and wish that I hadn't, wishing that my alarm wasn't real but just an imagination. I know that death isn't something defining and isn't glorious there is absolutely fuck all on the other side. But you no I want that. I want that nothingness. Senseless, emotionless, lifeless.
i spent last night chatting bullshit to this girl who was crying because she thinks shes never going to be loved...if only she knew I feel the exact same way. I'm incapable of being loved now and forever. Shes like a mirror of me. She says things that I dont let any1 no ever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite the fact I want to die its just another thing that I'm not gunna achieve. And it makes me so fucking sad that I have to carry on not for my sake but for the life it's self. We are separate entities. Sarah said to me despite popular belief suicide is fucking hard. Shes right. I just wish I could be one of the few absolutely brave people who could jump off a cliff, throw myself infront of a train, hang myself, slit my wrists and fall off a building. I just wish I could.
For far to long I've been rigid. I want to derail I dont want to have to get up every morning dreading life but I want to wake up and do something that I want to do without being tied down to this non-existent life.

Andd last but never ever least. Abbi and Skinny Ninny you made me change my mind. You two alone saved me I duno whether thats a good thing lol. But thankyou I dont know who you both are but ur kindness will never go unnoticed please dont give up on me like everyone else..
Muchos Love followers,
Dearest Englishrose
xx

Nothing can ever tame this...

4 days remain...

went to the fucking doctors today and she wudn't give me sleeping tablets... FUCK u bitch ruining my plans she gave me a measley 4 what the fuck am I suppose to do with 4? ugh pathetic so lucks like im guna av to OD on paracetamols and 4 fucking sleeping pills.
...
I've binged again.
...
Still haven't heard from him.
...
Fed up with work so I just haven't done it :P

AND
please followers dont judge me for wanting to die.
I have a choice and so do u thanks for all your support :')
xx

Fuck you egg sandwich...

5 days to go...
I managed to walk away from greggs from get an egg sandwich only to buy a packet of crisps FUCK! Then i BINGED IM A FUCKING WEAK DISGUSTING BITCH...
...

P.S thanku for the comments but my time is up dw
xx
http://style.uk.msn.com/health/10-food-cravings-and-how-to-beat-them