Like I'm a nobody a negative of a person.
It's weird how u plan things but nothing goes to plan just because you've planned it.
None of this was suppose to happen. Whatever happened to love stories and real life miracles?
I live a lie.
This week I was soo set on killing myself. I still do but realistically I'll have to die a long and painful death before that happens. I wish there was a pill that I could take just to be dead. Something that I want more than anything just to not have to think, wake up everyday and wish that I hadn't, wishing that my alarm wasn't real but just an imagination. I know that death isn't something defining and isn't glorious there is absolutely fuck all on the other side. But you no I want that. I want that nothingness. Senseless, emotionless, lifeless.
i spent last night chatting bullshit to this girl who was crying because she thinks shes never going to be loved...if only she knew I feel the exact same way. I'm incapable of being loved now and forever. Shes like a mirror of me. She says things that I dont let any1 no ever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite the fact I want to die its just another thing that I'm not gunna achieve. And it makes me so fucking sad that I have to carry on not for my sake but for the life it's self. We are separate entities. Sarah said to me despite popular belief suicide is fucking hard. Shes right. I just wish I could be one of the few absolutely brave people who could jump off a cliff, throw myself infront of a train, hang myself, slit my wrists and fall off a building. I just wish I could.
For far to long I've been rigid. I want to derail I dont want to have to get up every morning dreading life but I want to wake up and do something that I want to do without being tied down to this non-existent life.
Andd last but never ever least. Abbi and Skinny Ninny you made me change my mind. You two alone saved me I duno whether thats a good thing lol. But thankyou I dont know who you both are but ur kindness will never go unnoticed please dont give up on me like everyone else..
Muchos Love followers,
Dearest Englishrose
xx
Darling I was so pleased to see your post, so so pleased you didn't go through with it. I know things are shit right now, I still think about death when things are bad, but I always think back to light I found at the end of the tunnel and how I want to see that again and again.
ReplyDeletethere is nothing you can't do, write down your dreams, ambitions and things you want to experience (death not alowed on this one), and tick them off once you have done them.
Mine include
*seeing the northen lights
*skydiving (done sept 2010 for childrens cancer charity)
*charity work (3 years volunteer youth worker/climbed highest mountain in uk for Alzheimers society)
*bungee jump
*lose weight (still working on that one)
*fall in love
*get published (10 poems published so far)
*have children
stay stong hun, I am going no where and will always be here for you when you need me
xabbix
I am also so incredibly glad that you didn't go through with your plan. Don't be so hard on yourself sweetie. I don't see how you can say that no one will ever love you. Your followers love you. I know that's not the kind of true passionate love you're looking for but it's still love. And you're still young and have plenty of time. I never ever even had a boyfriend until I was 17. Even so, I didn't land myself into a meaningful loving relationship until I was 21. You should try to focus on things that make you happy. You're young and lovely, let the world revolve around you for a lil bit. Even simple things...playing with puppies, learning to belly dance, going star gazing, simple things, whatever it is that makes you fell alive. Keep your chin up.
ReplyDelete<3 SkinnyNinny