Had no example of a love that was even remotely real...

Lee kept pestering me for dirty pics. We talked for like 5 hours one night til 2.30am but idk he's just relentless. In the end I sent him a pic. :( I'm ashamed I cracked even though I don't mind sending pics I mean its a pic I've posted on here but its just how he pestered me even though I said I was so insecure about my body. So I thought if I send him one that will be it. But no. He was like send me more sexy pics. *sigh* I'm not sending more especially when I text him last night and he never text back. I absolutely hate being ignored so I'm just not gunna bother with him at all. Why should I? He's pushing me to do something I dont want and I keep telling him I don't want to be a fuck buddy I don't want just sex but what were doing now is just talking about sex. He doesn't want to get to know me nor does he make conversation. I asked a guy at work what I should do and he was like just say No coz if hes like this now whats he gunna be like later on. Just dont stand for it if he's being a dick.
...
I text C last night. I just needed him. I understand that we are just friends now. But I'm not gunna mention his gf it hurts too much. I just need him as a friend right now. I know he loves and supports me so I need him.
...
My sister is really doing my head in. I told her I went to lees and we fumbled about. from then on she's been making catty comments like whispering slag slag at me and saying I'm being used etc :( Then today I've told her she cant drink my diet coke coz she'll end up drinking all of it otherwise so she's ignored me all day keeps saying I'm selfish when I'm always buying her things. I just can't wait to get away from her.

ER
xx

Much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way you feel...

‘I was so low, getting out of bed wasn’t an option’…

Have you ever felt so low you can’t even function?  Having suffered from depression for 5 long years now. I know this statement rings true for me. The outside world seemed so hostile, so cold, and so bleak it’s frightening to even place a toe on my bedroom floor. I felt like my bed the warm comfortable confines of it offered me more solace, more peace, more protection, more comfort than I’d ever felt before. It was safe, it was a sanctuary. To just close my eyes wishing I could just turn down the voices in my head and fall into the blissful quietness of a deep sleep. Just to be unconscious for a while.  I was so low, getting out of bed wasn’t an option. My excuse was I am just tired. More exhausted of even breathing, having to deal with the constant bouts of depression it is so exhausting everything seems so difficult so challenging to even contemplate doing menial tasks. Washing wasn’t an option either I would just stay in a pit of misery for days only bothering to get up to go to the toilet. Nothing could entice me out of bed. Even on a good day and I’d manage to sit in front of the TV just blankly staring at it I would long for my bed again. To be surrounded by my duvet to not engage in anything. To completely isolate myself from my family and from work was my way of coping with stress and anxiety that I faced.

To my sister my long ‘lazy’ days in bed seemed obscured to her. Nasty comments saying “All you do is sleep” and “You are not going back to bed again you’ve slept all day!”. To her I was just some lazy teenager who looked a mess. Unwashed, sleepy and wearing my pyjamas all day seems alien to her but to me it was all I could do. Sometimes if all you do all day is just breathe at least that’s something. My mum did stick up for me saying that ‘I was tired from working’. When you are so low and the comments people make when you do eventually get out of bed are so damaging it made me want to retreat more to my bed. So what if I spent more and more time in there? It made me feel safe and comfortable.

Looking back now I know that is no way to live a life. Being a prisoner in your own house isn’t lazy or enjoyable it’s more degrading and debilitating than anything. To get so consumed by depression that daily tasks are completely impossible is not laziness but depression at its worst. It may be easy for people to think depression suffers bring it on themselves by not actively doing something to change their mood or outlook. It’s hard to describe how overwhelming depression can be how it strips you of everything turns you into a zombie, a person that is not living but just existing. Please support Time to Change and change people’s perceptions that depression is just an excuse for being lazy. It is far worse than that it is a mental state that can be life threatening. To make it out of bed, the house, go to work, go to school or the shops is a major achievement in trying to reclaim back your mind, your self worth and your ability to engage in everyday life.

...

I wrote this for Rethink.

...

I'm on new anti depressants Duloxetine. Sounds like Dulux doesn't it? anyway they've made me feel so sick I haven't been able to eat which is a bonus as I got weighed at the dietitian and I'm an awful awful awful 51.7 kgs my highest weight ever! I just want to keep losing now. Its easy on these pills coz my appetite is really suppressed. I think I'm relapsing...

ER 

xx

Clinging to not getting sentimental Said she wasn't going but she went still Likes her gentlemen not to be gentle ..

Oh the girls a slag!
Thats what I am!
ugh
I went to Lees last night one thing led to another :( I feel so ashamed I'm not that type of girl!
Fuck
least we didn't properly have sex, least I'm still a virgin.
:(
One minute he was stroking my back the next he was stroking somewhere else!
I can't believe I got naked in front of him. I hardly know him.
If C wasn't such a cunt I would have never gone to Lees. All he was after was that coz he came back for a day.
Now look at the mess I've made!
:'(
I know most 19 yr olds/20 yr olds aren't virgins but I'm in love with someone else who I'm still missing immensely. I don't know lee. He has a child :O I know!. He's in the army so I wont hardly ever see him. I brought it on myself didn't I? I shouldn't have gone to his I asked for it.. I'm easy aren't I? Fuck FUCK FUCK!
I'm sorry I'm such a whore.
I want to kill myself.

My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with...

I need to definitely chill out and cry to Kelly Clarkson right now.
I've never felt so broken.
I told C to chose between me or his gf, who he's thinking of breaking up with. Obviously he chose her. I don't think I've ever been so so sad not even with Patrick did I feel this bad and my god he was my first love!
I've never connected felt so comfortable with another person so much than him. Some days he was the only thing keeping me alive and I know I shouldn't be living for a man but he meant everything to me!
I really did love him.
Yesterday was the first day we haven't texted, emailed or phoned each other in knowing each other that's how intense we've been. that's how much we've clicked. I can't imagine a world with out him. It's not a world I wanna be in.
I've been so suicidal. I haven't managed to function to even do anything other than think of him.

I love him.

How could he do this to me. Now. Just when I'm about to make this massive move/decision of my whole life. How could he abandon me when I fucking need him the most. More than ever. I need him. Hold my hand through this I cant do this on my own. I just want to die than have to live here or live there with this enormous pressure to succeed, to enjoy. I don't ever see a future but a grave that's all I picture.
At work yesterday (I don't normally work Mondays) this Spanish guy asked for a Euro millions ticket I was like for tonight. No Tuesday. I thought it was Tuesday and he said "you, you think its the future".  Spanish guy, babe, I wish this was the future so I can relive my past. Wouldn't that be amazing to never have to live the future to just keep reliving the past? I would make so many alternate decisions. I've made so many wrong ones.
Actually at Whitney's wedding they said that we should thank god for letting them make the decisions all the decisions you have made to lead you to one another. We should be thankful. I was, I mean if I could have just a snippet of their happiness I would be a happy person. they just ooze togetherness, trust, intimacy, just everything that epitomises a couple in love.
*sigh*
...

I got a welcome pack from uni about a week ago only just now have I bothered to read it fully. You can tell I'm gunna be a good student :'( I have to read things so many times before they sink in and I've got to do a summer project! fuckkkk I've got to research some trends for AW and umm chose an outfit or piece that I would wear to transform myself like to represent my personality. hmm that's gunna be difficult because if you want to transform yourself why would you let your personality now influence you? Surely I would want to push the boundaries or perhaps remove them to let people know I am ready to not be English rose but someone who can transcend their being.
me and my mum have just had this conversation and I'm actually quite excited now to do this research. My mum is so brainy about art. I actually like talking to her about art. I wish I had her knowledge about art.
...
Anyway I'm sorry wall of arms I'm so depressed atm. I rang my GP she's gunna try me on new anti's joy. Apparently they are completely different to what I've tried. I wont be sedated like last time yay :( They should just lock me up and throw away the key!

ER
xx

It's over...I can't take any more and then there was silence...

 

It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die...

I've had such a tough week.
I got an email from Greg a mate from school who has gone to america which was lovely haven't heard from him in ages! I really do miss him and I'm considering to convert to being a Mormon.
...
I went to that modelling thing on Wednesday only to be turned away bcoz I'd not filled in an application form even when you could just turn up so if I still wanted to enter I should send a head shot and a full length on to them but I'm so insecure about pics I cant face that atm. I'm so ugly right now. Fat.
...
I got a disciplinary at work for not ID-ing someone who was under 25 :( made me hate work even more!
...
I went to a review of my treatment and it wasn't the same guy and the ppl who I saw was really awful they were so brutal and I just didn't want to talk to them one of them even accused me of being racist just because I didn't wanna speak bwt my problems! I'm not a racist and nor will I ever be! I've never been so offended, shocked and angry in my whole life! wtf! ugh
...
I gave my number to a customer at work who I've been besotted with ever since I came bk from uni. I've got to know him a bit better but he keeps pestering me to give him underwear pics should I? I hardly know him. All he wants is sex I think but how can I? I'm still a virgin and I'm so inexperienced! I know this is too much info but I've never touched a man before he's 25 he will think wtf!
:( I really really like him picture a male model seriously the body the face yeah? then you have him blonde hair blue eyes that's him. He's in the military so it would only be a fling but still. oh idk! god I know I'm such a whore but C and me are really getting worse like we keep arguing and I'm always lashing out at him. I know we can never b bf n gf but I want that more than anything I love him so much like I'm trying to move on with this other guy but he doesn't want me and he's not C. C has it all. He is so near perfect. I love him.
...

Sorry honeys,

ER
xx

As Long As You Love Me...

this love will be your downfall...

I'm sick of having arguments with him. I cant stand him right now I cant stand to be around any one atm. I don't want to go to work or have to engage in any activity except staying in bed. Even then I get fucking told to lose 10lbs by him and that's supposed to be a joke. I'm fucking in stitches!
I know this shift is gunna be the worst ever! I feel sick right in the back of my throat I feel it. I just wanna be sick. The vile human that I am.
I really just wanna say fuck off to him.
I couldn't care less if I never spoke to him again. The way he made me feel last night. I might as well mean nothing to him.
I want the ground to swallow me up now.
If i have the energy tomorrow after Manchester I'll tell u how it went. How i got intimidated by everyone and left. I'm so scared. So ill. So finished.
ER
xx

what happens if no one is there...

I am a mess basically. I've been trying to get hold of C all day the absolute fucking cunt!
I told him I needed to talk to him at 3pm after I rang him but his phone was off so fair enough he's been on nights let him sleep but I've just rang him now n his phones on he ignored my call and all the texts I sent him!
What if he never wants to talk to me again? I may as well just rip all my skin off now jump out of my window. I cant do this with out him. Why is he ignoring me!? Maybe bcoz I'm such a needy fucking ass hole that's why!My last texts have been positive-ish now I just feel like I need him. I need him so much so much. I love him and he said he loves me too. BUT as mates. Honestly he's the most amazing person. It's me isn't it. ugh
I just cant deal with this atm I wanna fucking cut my arms to shreds but I've got a modelling competition to go to Wednesday and no I don't wanna talk about it they'll just see me n say NO you're ugly wtf are you doing here?!?
ugh
fuck my life
fhuIBASIP\JVBFIPsxz[jbacj\shxzp
I am so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I need him.

:'(

ER

xx

fuck you for hurting me...

sometimes i cant believe i ever fucking knew you
absolute cunt

i just dont wanna even breathe
i wanna give up
walking home i just thought how much i want to commit suicide
im considering in seriously
im just finished
i cba
fuck life

I cant stand how much I need you...

I've been avoiding writing on here.

Couple of reasons.

1. Images say what I cant atm.

2. whatever I say its wrong its not right I want to be more articulate.

3. I miss someone she knows who she is and she's ignoring me despite how many comments I leave. I know I deserve it but it just hurts god so far beyond that look I'm doing it again its so painful to see her struggle and not be able to reach her.

4. two people read this blog who shouldn't coz I'm gunna rant about them.

So yeah

wow

I cut Sunday.

I cant tell you how happy I am to relapse.

It felt amazing just to draw blood again.

Watch my arm erupt into red.

...

I haven't talked about the wedding I posted pics of Brighton it was a pretty hard and challenging trip needed my own space away from my family.

Getting pissed at them all the time.

I'm such a mardy cow.

It was lovely tho, the wedding except I felt like a spare part not knowing anyone being on my own and self conscious.

But I got through it and did my part for her except I bet she wishes I hadn't been there I just think were gunna fade away from each other.

The wedding was the one thing we could talk about and keep us together. :'(

...

I've got a room offer for uni I've got 5 days to pay a £250 deposit joys.

skint that's like all my wages gone now.

...

I'm going Southampton tomorrow to discuss with a disability advisor what support I need I've already got laptop and printer from last time see how it goes I think.

Then I'm suppose to be meeting umm lets call him C (pt guy) in London except we had another argument last and I don't feel like talking to him today.

I'm not talking to anyone atm except him.

Just no energy no joie de vevre

I've completely lost it.

...

oh I've got my first therapy session for like 3 weeks she said we would work on body image and I've gotta bring some photos in of me and people I aspire to be like. i.e thinspo

but i need to change my ink cartridges n I honestly don't no how how lame is that plus I cba.

THINSPO- I love her legs and she inspired me to get a aviator coat lol. She is beautiful

THINSPO- wat can I say? Thigh gap is amazing!

THINSPO- I love her long hair, her dress sense and her legs.

ME- Huge thighs n massive hips.

ME-thighs are huge.

Me-my arms are really chunky now maybe a lot more than here this pic was a few months ago now, My thighs ofc , my hair isn't log enough, I have a huge nose, fat stomach and my arse is the size of a small country it could actually feed it for a week!

I don't normally post thinspo its not helpful for recovery and is idealistic a lot of them are very ill individuals and we shouldn't be encouraging or celebrating a fatal illness.

That's a bit of a disclaimer lol sorry.

Anyways I have work at 1pm doing it for John coz he's lovely I can't resist his campness lol.

It's my birthday present to him.

ER

xx

                                                 

I can feel your pain, I can feel your struggle...But everything so low, That you can drown in the puddle

I just want to be dead.

Die. Dead. Death

I know I should write about things. But I honestly don't want them to be spoken.

I know they want to be on my lips.

People I'm letting live rent free in my head.

They're causing chaos

 and its all my fault.

Kill me and I kill them.

"If I've killed one man, I've killed two---

The vampire who said he was you

And drank my blood for a year"

So close to the 

I just want to die.

I want to die.

I want that more than anything.

I didn't kill myself they did.

http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/since-im-not-your-everything-how-about.html

The cast is extended.

ofc.

I just want to die.

I want it to end.

I'm gunna cut tonight.

I want to start fasting again.

I want to feel numb.

I want nothing.

I cant do this any more.

  I want to die.

ER

xx

Bobby Valentino - You're Not Alone