I've been avoiding writing on here.
Couple of reasons.
1. Images say what I cant atm.
2. whatever I say its wrong its not right I want to be more articulate.
3. I miss someone she knows who she is and she's ignoring me despite how many comments I leave. I know I deserve it but it just hurts god so far beyond that look I'm doing it again its so painful to see her struggle and not be able to reach her.
4. two people read this blog who shouldn't coz I'm gunna rant about them.
So yeah
wow
I cut Sunday.
I cant tell you how happy I am to relapse.
It felt amazing just to draw blood again.
Watch my arm erupt into red.
...
I haven't talked about the wedding I posted pics of Brighton it was a pretty hard and challenging trip needed my own space away from my family.
Getting pissed at them all the time.
I'm such a mardy cow.
It was lovely tho, the wedding except I felt like a spare part not knowing anyone being on my own and self conscious.
But I got through it and did my part for her except I bet she wishes I hadn't been there I just think were gunna fade away from each other.
The wedding was the one thing we could talk about and keep us together. :'(
...
I've got a room offer for uni I've got 5 days to pay a £250 deposit joys.
skint that's like all my wages gone now.
...
I'm going Southampton tomorrow to discuss with a disability advisor what support I need I've already got laptop and printer from last time see how it goes I think.
Then I'm suppose to be meeting umm lets call him C (pt guy) in London except we had another argument last and I don't feel like talking to him today.
I'm not talking to anyone atm except him.
Just no energy no joie de vevre
I've completely lost it.
...
oh I've got my first therapy session for like 3 weeks she said we would work on body image and I've gotta bring some photos in of me and people I aspire to be like. i.e thinspo
but i need to change my ink cartridges n I honestly don't no how how lame is that plus I cba.
 |
| THINSPO- I love her legs and she inspired me to get a aviator coat lol. She is beautiful |
 |
| THINSPO- wat can I say? Thigh gap is amazing! |
 |
| THINSPO- I love her long hair, her dress sense and her legs. |
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| ME- Huge thighs n massive hips. |
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| ME-thighs are huge. |
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| Me-my arms are really chunky now maybe a lot more than here this pic was a few months ago now, My thighs ofc , my hair isn't log enough, I have a huge nose, fat stomach and my arse is the size of a small country it could actually feed it for a week! |
I don't normally post thinspo its not helpful for recovery and is idealistic a lot of them are very ill individuals and we shouldn't be encouraging or celebrating a fatal illness.
That's a bit of a disclaimer lol sorry.
Anyways I have work at 1pm doing it for John coz he's lovely I can't resist his campness lol.
It's my birthday present to him.
ER
xx
I know how you feel about cutting.. It's just that the pain doesn't stay long enough does it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're thighs aren't big at all just look at mine, they're huge. Your body is like perfect but I guess you don't see it because ana doesn't want you to :( Can't log in to PT!! what the hell is up with that? damn.. But stay strong sister<3
xx
I know what you mean about pictures saying what you're not able to
ReplyDeleteSometimes I can't put words on what I'm feeling and I can't articulate my state of mind. Sometimes words just aren't enough.
You are beautiful by the way but I can relate to being critical of yourself.
I recently started posting photos on my blog and I was terrified of what people would think.
Hang in there sweetie x