Fink - This Is The Thing

who do you turn to when your family is miles away,
you have no boyfriend,
you have no real best friend??

I feel like my head is going to explode.
Or burst into floods of tears.

I REALLY REALLY CANT COPE.
ER
xx

Tell my love to wreck it all, Cut out all the ropes and let me fall...

Have you ever got the feeling where you just want to lay in bed all day not be disturbed just slowly rot away?

I feel like this everyday for the past two weeks. I just feel so so tired. I can't move its like this deep paralysis that is just suffocating me. I can't escape against the fog its so dense I just can't.

:'(

ER
xx

Look Up

R.I.P Melanie Sheen

never forget
xx

And if you're cheating, cheat on, yeah 'Cause cheating's just a thing you do...

So I found out I got cheated on again. Liam made me paranoid about this girl on instagram found out he was cheating on me after he blocked me.

Am I so replusive that people are always looking for an alternative?
I hate myself when I'm with a guy. I just want to do my own thing and be happy.
But this week I've reached new lows which I've found really hard. My dog is really poorly, being told to prepare for the worst my heart felt like it was physically breaking. Last year at uni and I just want to end this chapter of my life so bad.



 


ER
xx

Oliver Heldens X Becky Hill - Gecko (Overdrive) [Official Video]

Feeling so so alone.
Its unbearable.
I hate feeling so isolated.
I just hate living.

I've got this black suit on roaming around like I'm ready for a funeral 5 more miles till the road runs out...

Its been over a month.

I came home from uni and immersed myself in work been working non-stop which is good because I hate being alone right now. It makes me so sad I feel so lonely.

hating men atm just like the thrill of the chase and then when you sleep with them they fuck you off its like you meant nothing to them. Fucking pricks.

I've always said I need to be happy on my own before I can be someone elses but idk I crave the attention and the love. Talking to someone that wants you in a way that no one else does. Maybe I like the thrill of the chase just wish sparks didn't fizzle out so much, so damn quickly.

In the darkest night hour I'll search through the crowd Your face is all that I see I'll give you everything Baby, love me lights out...

I've been keeping all my pills that I've not taken over the years wasted hope on anti-depressants. I never thought this day would come where I can say good bye to the safety net. I feel relieved that I don't have them cluttering up my desk drawer. I'm proud to say I rarely feel suicidal anymore. Of course there are days where I just want to cry my eyes out but today was a milestone. Never stop believing that life can be better than life with depression suffocating your thinking. You deserve to be here and so do I.

All my love,
ER
xx

My Heart Is Heavy...

I found out that Mark was seeing another girl when I was or they were going out.

I stupidly looked at his instagram and there she was the blonde girl.

I feel sick I feel like the tears will never release the pain and humiliation I feel right now.

I'm stupid I'm ugly I'm not the one he chose.

How could I of been so stupid?!

Someone please help me

ER
xx

Everyone needs to watch this...

https://www.youtube.com/user/findmikefilm

being in love...

panic...

I feel like life has been ok until I've had this huge realisation how much stuff I have to do everything is so overwhelming atm. I can't stand the thought of going back to southampton but I have to for 8 weeks! and then for my final year of Uni. I feel this massive sinking feeling that I can't cope. I just can't!

:'(
xx

pack my bags and leave this town Cause I'm not welcome back here any more Upon these shores...

Your trying to keep me down...

Keep Your Head Up keep your heart strong

I've been drinking watermelon...

I feel like everything is going into  massive crescendo of nothingness. I'm so scared to wake up in a morning and feel the sinking feeling I'll have to crawl out of my pit and actually force myself to do anything. I seriously want to eat sleep repeat. FAT LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.
...
I'm talking to two guys I've never met I feel like I'm cheating on them both with the other person but it's not like I'm going out with them so its not? I'm such a bad person.
I hate myself I can't do anything right! I feel lost within myself.

ER
xx

I think I've hit rock bottom
I feel so so shit I dont want to be here
:'(
I want to kill myself

ER

Sometimes I miss pretty thin and pretty alone...does anyone remember them? xxx

Would you really rush out? For me now?

Taut line
Down to the shoreline
The end of a blood line
The moon is a cold light...

I've had this blog from when I was seriously entrenched in Anorexia. From the depths of despair I've climbed this colossal mountain that is called "recovery". 2010 seems a lifetime ago but you should never forget every single day from your rock bottom to this present day. Every darkest hour has passed. And look at you now. Look at me now. I haven't cut in quite possibly over a year. I may still sleep with my blade next to me but I've learn to accept the moment, live it, breathe it, to just be, because I know for they are the moments that shape me. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be or want to be. For those people like you, like me who are flawed in the most beautiful way possible. You think more deeply you have experienced tragedy and in some cases kissed death on the lips and surrendered. But look. Look at you now you are flawed by the battles you have won and with the armor u you adorn yourself with. You are you. You beautiful, blind sided fragile thing...


All my love,

ER
xx

I am human and I need to be loved...

i  just need someone to talk to
:"(

Together were gonna make history, Why would you wanna be else where? ...

If I didnt have depression I wouldn't be where I am now.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have wanted to kill myself a million times over.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have been so obessed with torturing my body with blades and burns.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have wanted to starve myself or watch my body eat itself.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have had a breakdown at uni.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have quit uni.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have applied again to run 200 miles away from home.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't hate my existence.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have to live in this prison at uni.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have no idea who the hell I was or who I wanted to be what job I wanted to fulfill.
...
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have met the most amazing people.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have learnt the important things I have in life.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't have fell in love.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't be able to make a difference to peoples lives with campaigning about depression awareness.
If I didn't have depression I wouldn't be where I am now.


All my love,
ER
xx

Blank Page syndrome...

I've been staring at this blank screen for most of January.
Belated happy New year to you wall of arms.
...
Some days I feel like I'm counting all I am doing is wishing time away getting to small hurdles and clambering over them to save my arse. What kind of existence is that? Get to the end of the month English Rose. Not long now they say you're on the home straight. What they fail to tell me is that the home straight is like arriving at the start of the grand canyon and someone just comes up behind you mouth to ear, laughs and says "Go, I dare you".

...
Time stands still.

All my love,
ER
xx

Paperweight - Joshua Radin feat. Schuyler Fisk (Lyrics)