I can't do this by myself all of these problems there all in your head...

No one.
Nothing.
Nowhere.

All my new love,
ER
xx

Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that, You're better now than ever, and your life's okay When it's not. No. You're doing all these things out of desperation....

I've no idea what the hell I'm doing. When I'm with people I feel ok I feel fine its just when darkness falls and I go into this horrible mood where I'm on my own and I feel so so down I can't think straight.
Last night I deleted all my bbm contacts. I can't face talking to anyone who doesn't understands and so they just ignore me and I get so frustrated. I need them. It's horrible being ignored I cant stand it. So I think I'm just gunna lay low for a while phone off and just hide. Can't do it I cant be all happy and cheery and stable when I'm falling apart. Literally so tired and exhausted I don't ever go to bed early here coz I know I will just be sat thinking and thinking. I had a dream again where I died. I woke up so scared idk why I should be happy. I want to die.
...
I got an email from Dan yesterday. I couldn't understand how he can think he can walk in and out of my life without me batting an eyelid. feel so used and hurt by him. He fucking left like everyone else and yet i told him everything n of course we sexted which I don't regret I don't think I just hate myself for it!
...
I'm getting my hair cut on Thursday can't wait but nothing I do can make me look better look hideous!
So fat and disgusting

.


All my pathetic love,
ER
xx

First, you think the worst is a broken heart What's gonna kill you is the second part...

And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little...

It's true.

When I lost him the first time it took me 3 years to get over him. And when I found him again it was like we had never been apart.

I had a second chance.

I blew it.

From that moment on I just knew there was no hope.

Nothing.

No one will ever say those 3 words like you did.

I broke everything about me because of you. My bones, my heart,my health,my vitality,my motivation,my trust, my reason for breathing nothing was left.

I hate thinking about you but you are the reason. And the reason...

Lots of broken hearted love,

ER

xx

What have you done?!?!...

To make it full circle to be actually living after the year you've had?
You should be dead, you do not belong in 2013.
So fuck off.
I can't tell you how much sadness and loneliness I feel.
I just feel hollow.
Disgusting and empty. I don't feel it, I don't feel myself exhaling and inhaling. I think about suicide more.
Now. Now I've lost it. The hope I had, the happiness I felt it is just too distant
I want them back. I can't stand this distance.
I miss them.
When they actually gave a shit.

Definitely this next time...

Name and shaming would take too long so everyone I know/have known  u r a fucking dick !

i wanna be here...

anywhere but here...

that beautiful falling freedom before you hit the hard concrete and smash your head open

All my lonely love,
ER
xx

It doesn't feel like anything anymore...

I've never really understood Christmas even when I was little I knew that Christmas was an entire let-down. Whenever I came back from the hols to school and everyone said what they got for xmas I knew that I had to lie and say I just got 'few bits' while they were bragging about the latest games/ipod/perfume etc they got.
Seems weird saying all this and typing on my new macbook pro. I can't afford it dw I've got it for being "disabled'.
All I'm looking forward to is the food how disgusting am I for saying that?! I hate how much I'm eating I can remember 2 xmas's ago I was my lowest weight ever. Now look at me a disgusting mess! :(
My mum hasn't had no money since I went to uni from benefits. The only thing I'll get is what my sis has bought me.
Thankgod I'm working over the hols now I've got a few hours at my old work else I would of been severely skint!
...
I haven't managed to say that despite me telling Lee to delete my number then him saying he would we have still been texting. I've no idea why I've been ignored and been treated like crap so god knows what the fuck I'm doing!
...
I daren't go to sleep. I can't sleep since I've forgot to bring my sleeping pills home. Stupid bitch! I want them I need them. I lay awake for hours texting people that hate me. I just don't want to be alone. I can't cope with being alone.
Thats when the thoughts take over! suicidal
Want to never wake up. Being awake so much is torturous.

lots of sad love,
ER
xx

i can't do this im struggling so much
help

I knew you were trouble when you walked in...

Me and Lee, whatever we had is completely over.
He is aloof.
I'm grounded. I'm traditional.
I dunno why I'm sad but This is definitely for the best. But I cant stop thinking and thinking and thinking. I don't want to let go of that beautiful stranger. But I want to say goodbye to the man who makes me doubt myself, makes me confused and makes me horny as hell.
I can remember the first time we met I asked you if you wanted a bag for your pasta and we both looked at each other and smiled. You smiled coz you felt it too. I've never felt butterflies before but you gave them to me with that look and they went wild inside me.
I just wish things turned out differently...

If you like someone and they like you its not as simple as that.
I've learnt that there has to be personality, it's two sided not trying to be someone I'm not and sacrifice my beliefs for others just for how fast you make my heart beat.


Don't fall for a pretty face,
All my horny love,
ER
xx

I know. I know...

Last night was shambolic. Apparently that's not a word but oh well.
My head was just pounding with paranoia, depression and this overwhelming suicidal sadness which I remember painfully.
I don't do it on purpose. Even tho I know I'm doing it I don't mean to turn into a monster.

• you have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
• you find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
• you have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
• you take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
• you harm yourself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
• you fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone
• you sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or see or hear things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

I need something. I want help but I don't. I don't know any more what I want. I emailed my counsellor some use! I hate talking to her it feels like textbook answers and I hate that. I might just tell her that. But that undermines everything. The whole counsellor job. 

I'm eating so so much. I eat a lot but I'm trying my hardest to eat little and often maybe that's why it's stressing me out. I feel full which is disgusting. But I just weighed myself and I'm okay. Not gained. Thankfully it needs to fucking stay that way. I'm already incredibly ugly! I don't need ripples of fat as well.

I'm modelling tomorrow. Looking forward to the distraction.  I keep telling myself to be normal act normal because I feel so far from it.

All My black and white love,

ER

xx

you have won, you can go ahead tell them...

Tell them I was happy,
And my heart is broken,
All my scars are open...

It's back.
I feel it.
I felt you creeping up on me you fingertips on my eyelids. You told me to hush.
I recognised your voice like an imprinted memory.


The sinking feeling came, you were behind me I was in front of you. That's new. It didn't feel right. With a knife to my neck. I'm never going to escape you again. I know.
I feel ur lips oh your lips.
The cold touch revives me. I'm yours.
Then you hit. My skull so bursting with thoughts I cannot hear.
Your me and I'm not me.
Am I?

ER
xx

vulgar...

I want to fuck you.
Simple as that.
I want you inside me and I want to be naked in front of you. I want to be filled with desire just to be wanted by you.
I want you to undo my clothes and take off my underwear and enter me.
I just want to have sex with you.
right? this is what people do no strings fun
But really I just want the emptiness to go and my libido to calm the fuck down.
And I want to stop feeling sick and doing this weird eye thing I keep doing Where I go all dizzy and feel like I'm gunna pass out.
I'm nothing. I can't even get you to want me. I can't persuade you to have sex with me even though I've been texting you shit all night.

I hate myself this existence is horrible.
I'm vulgar.
xx

give me love...

I woke up at 2 am. I wasn't going back to sleep.
I kept thinking over and over about you.
Replaying that night.
Me and you. Wanting to tear the clothes off each other. Burning to be in bed together.
You didn't want me. There's something wrong with me. Why didn't you want me?
I'm not good enough for you.
I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I'm broken.
I hate myself.
You make me doubt myself. Every single thing about me I hate because you don't like. I can't stop thinking about you with other people and it makes me want to jump straight outta this window...

ER
xx

where there is a flame someone's bound to get burnt...

Don't get attached to people coz they will fuck you over*

*fuck other people.


xx

Try...

I'm sorry I left and left angry.
I'm ok.
Nearly submitted my first assignment for uni. This time last year I would have been facing the prospect of going home for good and working out what the hell I was gunna do with my life and here I am living the dream.
I should be happy right?
Sometimes I feel I am hollow.
I have nothing to define me.

I'm going back home to work. I've literally eaten all of my student loan like an idiot.
Nearly done my xmas shopping only gotta get my mums now.
...
I had to change my url so he couldn't find me. C was stalking me. He used to text and email me about the stuff I wrote on here. So I couldn't blog.
I had a hard time without it but like all things...you just get used to it. :(
I dunno whether I need this any more. I am growing up slowly but I guess it could all be taken away from me any time and I would need it.
..
Any way I'll leave you with some pics of myself looking gothic am I growing up?...

All my love,

ER

xx