I know. I know...

Last night was shambolic. Apparently that's not a word but oh well.
My head was just pounding with paranoia, depression and this overwhelming suicidal sadness which I remember painfully.
I don't do it on purpose. Even tho I know I'm doing it I don't mean to turn into a monster.

• you have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
• you find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
• you have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
• you take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
• you harm yourself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
• you fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone
• you sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or see or hear things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

I need something. I want help but I don't. I don't know any more what I want. I emailed my counsellor some use! I hate talking to her it feels like textbook answers and I hate that. I might just tell her that. But that undermines everything. The whole counsellor job. 

I'm eating so so much. I eat a lot but I'm trying my hardest to eat little and often maybe that's why it's stressing me out. I feel full which is disgusting. But I just weighed myself and I'm okay. Not gained. Thankfully it needs to fucking stay that way. I'm already incredibly ugly! I don't need ripples of fat as well.

I'm modelling tomorrow. Looking forward to the distraction.  I keep telling myself to be normal act normal because I feel so far from it.

All My black and white love,

ER

xx