Don't run away, promise you'll stay?...

my dark side has returned the depression

the crying

I am now for no apparent reason.

I just cant cope.

There's just an overwhelming feeling in my chest.

Its hurting me.

My chest hurts.

My heart aches really really aches.

I just need a strong drink.

and to get away from my mind.

To be around people.

fucking hell my heart hurts

Its going up my chest to my back like I' ve got this big gaping hole where my heart is my back hurts.  

Its a dull ache.

Argh its so painful 

:(

I wish I had a gun right now.

When I see paracetamol at work I stare I flinch I remember awkwardly.

Paralysed to what they do to me.

First time in months I'm suicidal. Spiralling into depression.

ER

xx

will you stay? Even if it hurts? everybody has a dark side can you love mine?....

The past couple of days have been umm weird.

I dunno what the fuck I'm doing.

One minute I'm making sexting last 4/5 hours the next I'm distancing myself from everything.

I dont feel myself I feel out of control.

I've lost him, like I've lost every other important person in my life.

Fuck.

I knew he didn't love me.

But I wanted him to.

Idk why.

Friends with benefits isn't enough.

But in therapy today i found out that making my ideal perfect person is setting myself up for a fail.

1. coz no one will ever really live up to it so its just pointless searching.

2. even if i think I have i.e Dan I push him away or make myself think why the fuck is he with me when I'm not good enough for him. Not at all.

I'm not good enough for anyone.

I'm a piece of shit.

...

Had my first driving lesson was actually quite good. I found that I just wanted to accelerate and not care about breaking.

I just wanna get thousands of miles away from my mind!

I didn't sleep or eat because I was so nervous about Dan and what we did and the thought of letting me loose in a car was just unbearable.

I dont have an appointment with her which sucks. I hate feeling crap.

ER

xx

There's a fire starting in my heart Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark...

I don't think I've ever needed to blog so much.

Me and Dan  got close last nite.

We had phone sex.

:P

It was amazing.

Really hot.

I never thought he had that side to him!

I made him cum twice just by what I said.

It felt good.

I really want to see him.

You've no idea how much!

But the thing is  I want more than just friends with benefits.

But I know we will always be too far away  from each other, story of my fucking life!

I know Dan will take care of me.

He's responded to enough suicide texts over the past few months.

He knows everything about me, about the abuse , about how depressed I am.

Yet what happened last nite was something out of this world. 

I really dunno how to describe it it was so unexpected. I love him. I know I do he's been my rock now were imagining ourselves together?

Hmm gunna take a while to get used to altho I cant stop thinking about him and what he said...

xx 

...Coz she must be fucking freezing...

I know you deserve more than this but why you don't have it is a mystery.

Maybe.

Definitely maybe.

Such a cliché

I read it 514 pages of pure thrill.

The only excitement I'm ever gunna have ever.

Living myself through other people. Never really finding me. Too ashamed at the hollow boring remainders, the dregs of me.

think I should make a dirty pint?

I don't know.

Not now, not ever.

Naive to believe any different.

Manic this morning wanting to dance in puddles run to work. Smiling ear to ear.

All to end up here now. 

Alone.

With nothing but fiction.

Anyone not read 50 shades do so now.

If anyone will talk bwt it with me I need to please :(

Laters baby,

x

Coz u really hurt me...

Princess of china

 Alot has happened since I last blogged. I'm attending therapy. My first session was a disaster. I realised something. It hit me like a wave. I dont wanna live like this any more.
I finally feel free when I got deleted from your life.
I feel like the weight of saddness lifted.
Like theres no one bad in my life any more.
I wanna move on.
I wanna grow up.
Coz I really really need to.
I'm 20 this year yet I'm still a moody teenager.
I'm so behind everyone else my age.
It's shameful.
I want to be able to cope.
I took my dog for a walk first time in months by the traintracks and for once I didnt cry or wish I was lying down. I felt just the sun shining my overwhelming love for my dog fizz and that's it.
I could be anthing I want to be.
I'm never guna let anyone steal my star again!

Englishrose were gunna call you an ambulance...

Dr A:"Helen you get the weight taken while I call an ambulance"
Helen: She wont get weighed
....
I was so close to be taken to hospital.
They thought I was having a heart attack.
I thought I was too haha.
I get these pains in my heart and it shoots right to my back, my shoulder.
Then it creeps down my arm.
My body is fucked up.
I really think I'm gunna die this week.
I keep going from manic to suicidal really quickly.

I hate myself and I want to die.
ER
xx

with the lights out, its less dangerous Here we are now entertain us, I feel stupid and contagious...

I don't even wanna post any more.
I get up I'm depressed for most of the day. Talk to people I don't want to.
Eat things I don't want to.
Go to work.
Pretend.
Go to sleep. Well try to.
I just lay in the dark most nights.
Tossing and turning.
Insomnia is just ridiculous atm.
Its relentless.
I don't wanna live if I can't live with certain people in my life.
I had my first therapy session on thurs not that any1 has asked me how it went.
I hate her.
Surprise.
She was ten fucking mins late.
I hate late people and to not apologise is just rude!
She wanted to know like everything. But she was one of those people who don't have any empathy. Just regimental? is that the right word? idk like an ice queen
She reminds me of a teacher.
I bitch of a teacher at that!.
She said something that remotely interested me.
"do you think ur strong enough to kill yourself?"
But people talk about suicide as being weak. Like i no I'm too weak to live any more.
But no I'm not. I'm not strong enough to do it I really wish I was. But its not a cry for help I genuinely want to die.
I don't no what to do?
I know I cant live like this...

this. just this. i feel like this everyday.like wow. i just wanna RIP my skin off it hurts so much

I hate myself and want to die.
ER
xx

when the money's spent and all my friends have vanished and i can't seem to find no help or love for free...

I just want to go.
Run anywhere away from here.
To you.
I' m struggling.
No1 cares.
I don't expect anything from anyone any more bcoz they all leave.
I want to OD on my antis.
I want to be in a coma.
Lifeless.

I am Fat. I look pregnant!

I hate myself and want to die.