My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with...

I need to definitely chill out and cry to Kelly Clarkson right now.
I've never felt so broken.
I told C to chose between me or his gf, who he's thinking of breaking up with. Obviously he chose her. I don't think I've ever been so so sad not even with Patrick did I feel this bad and my god he was my first love!
I've never connected felt so comfortable with another person so much than him. Some days he was the only thing keeping me alive and I know I shouldn't be living for a man but he meant everything to me!
I really did love him.
Yesterday was the first day we haven't texted, emailed or phoned each other in knowing each other that's how intense we've been. that's how much we've clicked. I can't imagine a world with out him. It's not a world I wanna be in.
I've been so suicidal. I haven't managed to function to even do anything other than think of him.

I love him.

How could he do this to me. Now. Just when I'm about to make this massive move/decision of my whole life. How could he abandon me when I fucking need him the most. More than ever. I need him. Hold my hand through this I cant do this on my own. I just want to die than have to live here or live there with this enormous pressure to succeed, to enjoy. I don't ever see a future but a grave that's all I picture.
At work yesterday (I don't normally work Mondays) this Spanish guy asked for a Euro millions ticket I was like for tonight. No Tuesday. I thought it was Tuesday and he said "you, you think its the future".  Spanish guy, babe, I wish this was the future so I can relive my past. Wouldn't that be amazing to never have to live the future to just keep reliving the past? I would make so many alternate decisions. I've made so many wrong ones.
Actually at Whitney's wedding they said that we should thank god for letting them make the decisions all the decisions you have made to lead you to one another. We should be thankful. I was, I mean if I could have just a snippet of their happiness I would be a happy person. they just ooze togetherness, trust, intimacy, just everything that epitomises a couple in love.
*sigh*
...

I got a welcome pack from uni about a week ago only just now have I bothered to read it fully. You can tell I'm gunna be a good student :'( I have to read things so many times before they sink in and I've got to do a summer project! fuckkkk I've got to research some trends for AW and umm chose an outfit or piece that I would wear to transform myself like to represent my personality. hmm that's gunna be difficult because if you want to transform yourself why would you let your personality now influence you? Surely I would want to push the boundaries or perhaps remove them to let people know I am ready to not be English rose but someone who can transcend their being.
me and my mum have just had this conversation and I'm actually quite excited now to do this research. My mum is so brainy about art. I actually like talking to her about art. I wish I had her knowledge about art.
...
Anyway I'm sorry wall of arms I'm so depressed atm. I rang my GP she's gunna try me on new anti's joy. Apparently they are completely different to what I've tried. I wont be sedated like last time yay :( They should just lock me up and throw away the key!

ER
xx