It's relentless...

I need to get all this shit out of my head. Going a lil bit crazy.
I feel quite sick.
Fuck idk where to begin.
wow...
Ok so I had another panic attack and self harmed quite badly. I like the way it slices thru my skin using a blade now not the end of my tweezers dnt have to drag it across my skin to make me bleed. tmi?? sorry
I plucked up the courage to go to my gp it wasnt my usual one coz theres a 2week waiting list for her crazy right so I saw this man who wasnt helpful a 50 year old asian man. ugh I didnt no wat to say to him. I just said how I'm getting panic attacks and getting more depressed, I've got an app next week with the cmht then he just said wat do u want me to do about it??? I was like umm. Then he spun me some crap like I cant give you medication. Then he printed off that questionnaire bwt how depressed you are. Becks depression inventory. I scored highly on the likert scale surprise surprise! So he sent me back out to the waiting room said he was gunna ring the crisis team. It took ages. Then I had to ring them in a small room where everyone could hear. Someone from my primary school was in the waiting room as well so embarrassing. Charlie the crisis team arse hole was like speak up I cnt hear you. I was so pissed off that I had to have a receptionist with me so she could hear everything and all the ppl in the waiting room. I was boiling with anger. He kept saying what do you want us to do? It just made me feel really small like why would I want to speak to some tosser that thinks I'm mad? they come to your house the nxt day as well which I was just like I dont want that. In the end I put the phone down on him! eeks I'm sick of people not listening to me or give me the chance to speak like its pressurised just to get all your personal problems out to ppl over the phone? no way I'm guna do that. Can you imagine oh yeh I got strangled by the devil the other day I keep having panic attacks, I cant breathe, I self harm etc they'd be like were sending you to the funny farm right now! ugh pissed me off. So I'm just guna wait for my app. next thurs.
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I'm getting a new phone today! Guna treat myself. Just I think I'll have like 2 people in my phone book people pissing me off atm.
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Binging= I'm fat again I can feel my clothes getting tighter bye bye size six hello size eight tightness.
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Turns out I'm not seeing my friends this week. probably why im so depressed. My friend slept with someones bf on valentines day! so shes pretty lost atm I duno wat to say to her? eeks
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I got a valentines text from my husband which was nice. But made me sad that I was alone. :S Single awareness day it should be called.
I feel better writing it down. Gotta reply to so many emails  I've been putting them off.
xx