I’m travelling back on the train and I cba to figure out the way to use the wifi. Tbh I fucking don’t care. So I’m having to write this out in word first ffs I just really wanna blog but idk guess this mite be published later.
I feel like a dick for writing this tbh I really wanted for these past few days to go well to make me happy but I think it’s done the opposite tbh. I think I’m more suicidal than ever L *sigh* I was suppose to be in a pact I knew that wouldn’t happen feel like shit to get you guys hopes up L im sorry I’m not dead yet but im working on it I promise ok?
I just feel so so alone and shit I dnt think anyone at all know how fucking messed up I am I just want to cry all the time I’m so emotional I started crying when I first got on the train I feel like doing it now tbh and when I get in my mums car to just tell her everything but I know for a fact that would just open another can of worms worms which I don’t want to be opened coz right before I went to meet my friend I condensed all my pills into 1 box and threw about 5 boxes away my mum being the dick that she is found them and started to panic I had to lie and tell her I hadn’t taken them well I haven’t well not yet anyway. I will do one day soon I can defo feel it .like I said before to you I'm ready to go I just know it ever since I stopped taking my antidepressants I suppose brought all my demons back myself. But at least I know they are real that is what I’m meant to feel I don’t deserve happiness. I was born to die I just know it.
I'm feeling even more alone than ever even visiting the person I was gunna end it with. I just didn’t feel right I had a panic attack right in front of her so embarrassing at least tho someone out there knows I’m not making it up no one seems to care when I say I have them makes me so on edge like I just want to sit in a corner and cut n cry and ofc hyperventilate coz of the devil he always tells me to hold my breath constantly and that’s when it starts it just gets to me…
I still feel suicidal I think this weekend maybe tmoz nite I'll get really bad again and start to act upon these urges and thoughts. I don’t expect anyone to save me or say anything if I was u I'd all unfollow me nothing to see here except a mad woman on the beginning of the end...
Your not alone. and to me your not mad at all, your struggling. You sound like myself, over the past few years ive been through ups & downs, ive tryed suicided countless times but i failed because im shit! But to be honest no matter how difficult and how fucked life seems suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, in other words things can always be sorted out, life can always get better even if you dont think it can. I have panic attacks too and i have nobody who understands me... so all i used to be able to do was dose myself up with valium to calm myself down. Im pregnant now so i cant even take them or my antidepressants so i know how your feeling dot. im still depressed and i still think about taking my own life but somtimes you just need to think about 10years from now and maybe by that time you will feel better with your life <3 talk to me if you neeed xxx
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