I have a stalker who is no doubt reading this.
I've never felt more lonely in my entire life. All the friends I thought I had who understood who were some of the people I've relied on have left just like I knew they would. friends? What fucking friends?!
I've just given up on people there is no faith in human kind. Everyone is a fucking selfish cunt.
...
The day is nearly here.
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/this-is-it.html
http://englishrose-aroseamongstthorns.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/suicide.html
6th november.
I will probably attempt to just out of the fact that its that date. I duno what I'm gunna do.
I fantasise about suicide everyday. Not being here. Freedom. No one would care. No one.
I shouldn't be here.
It haunts me everyday that I stole her life.
I will never forgive myself.
never.
I feel like most of my days are just aimless. Nothing happens to make me believe in myself my ability to survive. Nothing I do is ever right.
Seems like I know not how to live any more, I just know the art of dying.
Tomorrow will be the hardest day ever.
I normally go back to the first place. I can see the view now. The hill, the motorway,the life I am so distant from. I can see you but I wish I could erase you. And in doing so erase myself.
Lady Lazarus
I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----
A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot
A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.
Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-------
The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.
Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me
And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.
This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.
What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see
Them unwrap me hand in foot ------
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies
These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,
Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.
The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut
As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.
Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.
It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical
Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:
'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge
For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood
Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.
I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby
That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.
Ash, ash---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----
A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.
Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.
Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.
ER
xx
"And I told you to be balanced, and I told you to be fine.."
ReplyDeleteI love that song!
Babe, please please please times infinity do not try and kill yourself! I need you around, your comments keep me going and I'm sorry I haven't been as adamant about returning the dialogue but it really does mean the world to me! You are such a beautiful, intelligent, understanding and compassionate person that the world deserves to know, and your friends deserve to appreciate. Do not harm yourself because some dipshits are fucking idiots and don't understand the implications of some of their actions.
There is so much good in the world that I hope you can discover. Your life will open up in front of you, and you will meet so many new amazing people who will make you feel like you finally belong, similary to how all of us Ana's bond through these blogs. Every hardship, every battle lost, every tear is just the price some of us have to pay for future happiness, but it will all be worth it.
I cannot beg you enough to not harm yourself. If you ever think for one second that there is not a single person on this planet who does not care immensely for every inch of skin you have and every beat of your heart and every thought in your head, know that you are WRONG.
I do.
love always,
xoxo
wow thank you I always try leave encouraging comments on everyones blogs as much as i can
Deletei dunno how u can be so sure in the things uve mentioned?
"what if it never gets better"
thank you for caring u will never no how much it means to me
xx
"I have a tattoo "hope" above my scars.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me everyday not to be a cunt and get caught up in today when tomorrow is more important."
-- Someone incredible wrote that, every tomorrow is important.
I'm begging you, do not do this.
love always,
xoxo
i will try tto keep safe
Deletethe night time is always the worst
:(
much love
xx
Darling I do not believe in chance or coincidences and such things. So a post I decided to write today I think had significant meaning and timing, and it was more then luck that you came across it. I hope you find something hopeful to run with and hold onto until all this passes. We do not know each other but I do not think that is necessary for people to have a great impact on each others lives, you already have on mine. People are fucking selfish cunts, but I promise you there is some good in this world. I care about you because your life is so precious. have Faith find Hope stay Strong xx
ReplyDeleteeverything happens for a reason though
Deleteso many failed attempts for a reason they were just my warm up for the real thing i know i will commit suicide one day i feel it its like "my calling"
when i do I know that all this was for nothing i doubt there is any good in the world not after the years ive had
i will try my hardest today
thank you for the support it means so so much!
xx
Sweet pea we are all destined to death, but we get to choose everyday how to live. All my love to you, take care xx
DeleteSweetie I can identify so much, too much
ReplyDeleteI understand the feeling of wanting to vanish, to disappear without a trace. I'm not sure why this date is so significant to you but it obviously brings back some really vivid memories.
You know you have support here
You will never be judged here
You are loved here
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, even though I think it's the answer a lot of the time, in my heart I know that it's not.
When I was trying to get off drugs I told myself that I would give recovery 6 months and if it didn't work out I could always go back.
How about giving life a go for 6 months and see how it goes?
You have a beautiful spirit, so giving and loving
There would be a gaping hole left here if you left
I don't know what to say, just what I say to myself everyday
Try to hold on, find something, anything and hold on to that
I'm holding on to the fact that my family would just break if I left
Sending you hope, faith and courage
And all my love x
thank you ruby
Deleteim so sorry its getting so so hard to keep hold of sanity to hold on to hope when it feels like nothing is worth living for
I hate myself
I detest myself.
xx