Inside in. Inside out.

Summer was always a nice time of the year. Me and my sister would play out. We used to play badminton in the back garden. My mum bought us some cheap rackets. To be honest we were quite shit at it. We never really got a rally going we used to take it in turns to pick up the shuttle cock. We used to get ice lollies I used to like the rocket lollies or screwballs the one with raspberry ripple ice cream in a plastic cone with a juicy ball of chewing gum at the bottom...

I felt suicidal last night. I've not felt so helpless so distressed in a long time. It was a real low. I woke up this morning with a pounding headache because I was crying so much I thought my head was gunna explode so much so I had to go back to bed and I promised myself to wake up in a better mood. I think I have but at the same time I'm lost and I'm about to make the most difficult and wrong decision of my life yet, I just want to be free of my feelings for Dan. I don't love him love him. I just love him. I don't want him to hurt me which is what he's doing now but its all my fault because I want him to be something else than what he is. I'm making a dick out of myself as per. And I'm pushing away one of the most amazing people I've ever met...

Me and My sister always used to write a list of all the things we'd like to do in the 6 weeks holiday. Normally we would put the seaside on I suppose that's why I love it so much. We would always go to Cleethorpes as its my Mums place to go. Its not too far and its not Bridlington where my mums best friend lived (she had a mental breakdown and died). We would have to hire a car to get us there coz we couldn't afford a reliable car that used to be all that we would get out of the summer holiday. We didn't have any more money to do anything else. We was just bored and made up games in the house that we played with our dolls well my sisters dolls that she used to let me play with. We would pin all our hopes on our dad to take us out to relieve us of our boredom. He did a few times like to Scarborough or to Leeds for shopping or to London later on...

I have so much to do this week, working I mean of course when am I ever not working? I'm stressed about that to be honest I don't want to work when I'm this depressed. I can't wait until therapy to talk to someone. To tell her about how down I am no doubt she will just tell me to go to my GP. I fucking would if she wasn't on hol for 3 weeks grr. *sigh*. I researched Marilyn Monroe yest as I was having an episode I love her quotes.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”


“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 


“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.” 


“Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world.”

ER
xx