Sometimes a strong person knows how to let go

Me being not one of them.
I used to be such a different person i am a shadow of her in fact i dont deserve to even call myself that.
Today has really really dragged i sat in psychology watchin a documentary on Stephen Fry being a manic depressant and  it was so so upsetting i could believe that when they were saying some of the stuff like how they felt in the depressed episode exactly descibed me. He interviewed famous ppl who have the disorder and this person who i think was the Queens guard or something like that felt so low he escaped from a mental institution to throw himself in front of an articulated lorry. His legs had to be rebuilt and he showed them and it was the most awful injuries I have ever seen. Then Stephen asked him if he would change being bipolar ? He sed no because the highs were unbelieveable despite having to endure the lows they were worthwhile to experience.
I mean how couragous is that?
Hes such an amazing person, i just thought what the fuck am i doing? Wishing my life away being depressed like 99% of the time. Moaning on here.
It's made me realise I dont belong here not in this world when ppl like that should be living not me.


Zainab said I look really ill today and i looked like i was guna pass out. My answer i know, i'm really tired. She knows, she can read me like a book i'm hurting inside so much she feels my pain. Thats why i love her so much believe me without her my life is worthless i'd be dead way before now.


The scales dropped to just under 45kgs today im getting closer but i need to loose more. Im not ready to let go yet its/im not finished yet. I am not strong enough to let go of the illnessess that are keeping me alive///killing my existance.


xx