I broke down...

I'm exhausted.
      The state of being exhausted; extreme fatigue

      To wear out completely. 

      To drain of resources or properties; deplete.

 

I'm exhausted from working.

I work in a supermarket where its cold like the arctic cold.

I keep saying to my manager i need a fleece but he doesn't care. Instead yesterday he said "everytime i see you you always look miserable" well yeh i do coz im fucking working here. Self scan bitch driving me insane and shivering beyond control. I think i have raynauds. So it makes things worse. So i've got really bad cold from that. I feel like i've been hit with a brick and my face is swollen. I'm really bunged up. Really really not well today or yest. I feel like shit.

I came home and my mum had made celery soup so i was putting that out but the saucepan is really heavy and i cant lift it and so i was like mum can you help me. But then my sister starts shouting saying shes having her dinner and not everything is about you!!!

yet she lets mum put out her dinner. ARGH shes a dick i hate her. So i looked at this soup and thought fuck this. Instantly i was transported back to that 16year old refusing dinnerstormed up to my room. Thinking im not hungry so dont eat you can do a fast today. Dont do it the voice boomed in my head. In the end i forced myself to have a sandwich. That should i shouldn't i feeling returned.

I've lost my appetite thank god and i couldnt taste my morning diet coke so i was like whats the point in eating today? New month new diet? Thin for uni??

...

I've got leeds today after i go to the bank great i hate those kinda things they just confuse me with big words. I haven't filled out my food diary or rule challenge sheet so idk whether to lie or to say i didnt do it :S Someone said to me i should lie. She is a bad influence i keep deleting her but idk i dnt wanna b cruel you know?

...

So after my break down with tea i was in tears. So i rang the most important person in my life. My best friend Zainab. Annd she hasnt got a room in halls at a diff uni near me so idk if shes going or not. Im really down about that coz i cannot survive without her. Plus its just gunna b shit on her and i dont want her to miss out.

...

I watched a 9/11 programme last nite bwt the fire service andd it makes me hate myself that i'm still here when i dont deserve or want to be but people more worthy died that day. It tears me apart that i'm such an ungreateful person and im here. I shouldnt be. If i could swap with anyone i would. I'm sorry for being here.

I cant stop crying just now i'm welling up. I'm a mess a snivelling teary mess.

Zainab(left) me (right)

I cant cope