Friday, 2 December 2011

It's all over...

I've left University not left as in moved back home but I've interrupted my studies until next year. I cried when I handed over the form. I know I dont want to leave but I cant do the course. I'd never thought I'd leave uni. There was always hope that I'd start new and become this person who I've wanted to be for soo long now. But I've gone to the edge of my sanity I've been to some really dark places. I cant be happy until I sort out the things in my head that have been haunting me for so long now...
  • my dad left when I was young, we had to live in a safe house coz he abused my mum,in the end my sister had to climb thru the window to get our house back coz he kicked my mum out with his four kids with no where to go, he had to have police supervision when he came to see my brother he wouldnt come to see me and my sisters, he used to date really young girls like 19 when he was 50 only I later found out that he was a pimp, he was a cocaine addict but got into being an undercover cop to get drug dealers, he worked selling faulty amps to which I met loads of famous people, he has bipolar and I'm scared so scared I'll end up like him, I dont speak to him anymore one for the abuse I get and two hes too unstable for him to be permanently in my life
  • I got abused by my therapist I trusted him but he just controlled me and idk lets just say he put ideas in my head...
  • I have issues with food
  • I have BPD
  • I have severe depression
  • I'm still madly in love with Patrick.
I know its for the best to try be happy doing something I enjoy but I just feel like whatever I do my problems will continue to haunt me. I'll end up committing suicide one day.
I dont know where I'm going or where I need to be but I know I know being this miserable is toxic and I'm sick of being poisoned.





xx P.S The things mentioned in this post are brief and I havent told any1 them before.
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4 comments:

  1. Brown Eyed Cowgirl2 December 2011 at 16:42

    It's a good step to let all these negative things out an to feel heard. All of us, your followers, we are always here to listen to you and to help you work thru things. Just stay strong. Maybe you can use this break from uni to calm your mind and figure out things. I spent a year doing that, masquerading as a gypsy, soul searching. I figured stuff out. Not everything, but enough. Enough to feel strong and to be in a better place.

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  2. Anonymous2 December 2011 at 17:51

    Just saying all this - admitting is a major step forward. Positive things come from negatives and there will always be something for you to look at and think I've achieved that!

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  3. Depressed Skinny Mess.2 December 2011 at 22:32

    You need this break like i said before, to concentrate on you, and try to get yourself happy again, you wont commit suicide, you've come so far now :( I know it seems a big black cloud...but you can txt me anytime xx

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  4. Run4 December 2011 at 06:38

    Taking this break is good. It gives you some time to concentrate on you and work on things before going back next year. Being able to admit your problems is a step closer to being able to resolve them. xx

    ReplyDelete

I told you to be patient and I told you to be kind...

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