I'm starting afresh :)
New diet for December. I'll let you in on it :). For a week I'm guna cut out carbs completely only have fruit for breakfast. Then salad for tea. Cuz im getting weighed next Friday. And I still wanna be thinner for xmas. Need control back. Then after next week I can eat rice cakes, rivita and melba toast. NO BREAD, PASTA or RICE. NO way.
...
I went to my OP appointment yesterday. Kinda annoying as even though I promised him that I'd keep safe til our next appointment he arranged for a home treatment person to come and assess me. The home treatment people see people in crisis and those that are at risk of suicide. I felt betrayed that he didn't believe me. That he didin't trust that I wouldn't commit suicide coz I said I wasn't. But yeh this guy who was assessing me was a dick proper arsehole, he asked all the shit questions like have u been abused? have you had a trauma blah blah Like I'D fucking tell you! Luckily he said home treatment wouldn't be appropriate coz I dont wanna talk to strangers about my life everyday. So he left me and Dan to it. :')
We talked about things. I learnt he's gay and used to be as depressed as me. He said that IP might be best but your depression atm clouds your eating disorder. Meaning treat the depression first. Which is weird coz its always been the other way around. I gave him my letter about the 6th He probably wont mention it but I think I needed to say it out loud not just write it and let him interpret what Ive put. :/
Talking is good... I used to be a mute...
...
I really wanna tell Patrick about how much I miss him and how I cant cope without him. About being ill as well that its not my fault I have borderline personality disorder that it fucks up relationship or that depression affects my life everyday. I just want to get accross to him that he left me when I was ILL. Would he do the same if someone had cancer or had a infection or something thats wrong physically you know? Coz being mentally ill is the same. I'm still ill. I actually bought a book off amazon that talks about BPD. Cant wait to read it. I know I should move on and I've got his text in the back of my mind saying dont contact me again. So yeh. It's hard getting over someone. Especially for the second time round.
...
Thanks for your comments on my last post <3
xx
This post seems slightly more up beat than the last, which is good. Some people just cant cope with obstacles in relationships even if it's an illness. Sometimes people really suck. You just have to find the ones that dont :)
ReplyDeleteHome treatment is shit! I couldn't wait to get those people outta my house! Some people do suck at handling mental illness..which is stupid you know? When you need them most, they run away....You need to find someone who will stay with you <3
ReplyDeleteThe abuse shit they always ask you annoys the shit out of me. Because obviously something terrible must have happened to mess up up. God. It makes you want to punch them in the face. A lot of people do tend to suck at handling the fact you have a mental illness. They tend to run in the opposite direction because they just don't understand or they don't want to understand. I forget which one sometimes. xx
ReplyDelete