Me and Jamie were just casual. I've ruined everything with him.
He said he didn't want a relationship. Were both single. I had four people dance with me talking to me kissing me wanting my number telling me how gorgeous I was. I did it all in front of Jamie. It wasn't intentional. I didn't know what I was doing. He got so mad at me. Outside the club. We argued. I cried. He took a phone call apparently some "business". I think he's into drugs or fighting, cars, sex something dodgy. He wouldn't tell me. I blurted out that I'd been abused. Big mistake. Then we went to eat. He didn't have any money so I paid for him. Stupid. He sat eating and this guy with an afro who I'd got a bracelet off came. We talked Jamie got jealous. Afro guy got my number while Jamie was waiting for me to get his bracelet back. The bracelet says bang tidy apparently he only gives it to bang tidy people. ugh. That made Jamie so mad. He stormed off. me trying to catch up with him in my heels freezing. I stepped out in front of a van. Jamie just looked back at me wishing it had hit me. We went back to his he smoked his first in months coz I'd pissed him off so much. We got in bed. He wouldn't touch me. I just laid there wishing he'd forgive me. I got up went to the toilet him saying your going? Came back he's asleep I kept whispering to him I'm gunna OD on ur pills. I'm suicidal. No reply I just laid there and cried. I wouldn't want him to find me. I gave him 2 blow jobs.
I walked out this morning and he wont answer my texts.
I'm an awful human being.
I hate myself.
I just want to die.
I'm seriously planning it now. I came to uni to do it.
I've nothing to live for.
Nothing. everyone will be better off without me.
I'm sorry I'm such a slag.
I'm awful waste of space disgusting human.
I want it to be over.
You're NOT NOT NOT a slag!! OK? You are in a vunerable place right now, deep down you just want to feel loved, the comfort in someone being there, even just fr a while, thats not what you call a slag, thats what you call being a human, we all want that. We have all made mistakes, done things with people we wished we didn't, even me! But at that moment in time, it felt ok, even if it was just for that spilt second, its what we wanted, we have to learn from our mistakes and try to move on from them, never to return! You are fighting a hard hard battle right now, but you are doing it so well, i'm so proud of you <3 Just keep moving forward, i love you xxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteYour not a slag, far from it! When people are feeling down and vulnerable we do things that don't seem clear in our heads but may seem totally okay at the time. If you was a slag you would be able to recognised your 'mistakes'...
ReplyDeleteStay strong beautiful xxxxxxxx