She may believe you, but I never will. NEVER AGAIN.

Wow.
What a few days.
It's been horrible wall of arms.
Are you sitting comfortably? We shall begin...

I blew Katie off on Thursday as I was having an awful day with Lee n missing home. She text me Friday night and came up. Seems like we always go over the same things when we see each other. She talks about how she's 'helping a friend out' when she or Tom is drunk they sleep together. Friends with extras. She talks about how we should go out. And of course we talk about how I'm still hung up on Jamie.
It hit me like a someone hit me right in the stomach. I was in shock until she left. He's slept with 54 people including me. I feel disgusting that I'm one of those people. How can someone sleep with that many people?! I was just a number to him I meant nothing. Worst thing I asked him while we were in bed together one night in his arms how many people he had slept with and he said he didn't keep count! he lied to me so I would have sex with him. I thought I'd kinda moved on like we haven't been together for 3 months? I never wanna see him again. I mean what do I say to him?! I can't even look at myself over what happened I feel vile. How the hell am I supposed to keep calm. I hate him. (Jamie took my virginity that's why I'm so upset) he will always be remembered as my first but what am I to him his 40 Th?? :'( God knows how I managed not to cut! So there it is how much of a horrible human being I am I was drunk enough to fall for a man slag!! I hate myself.
...
The gym isn't going well! I keep feeling really out of breath and my chest hurts so much like its being compressed :( feels horrible like I'm gunna pass out when I'm on the treadmill. Please help what is it??
My weight is 45.1kg this morning 5.1% fat BMI 14.7 not good enough still got 15 lbs to loose!
...
I've got nothing special planned this week just day to day bullshit. I need a miracle right now to remind me why I'm still here.
Here is pics of the final hand in project we had to do I didn't do these pics I just modelled for them. Tell me how ugly and fat I look. Make my day...

All my jealous love/hatred,
ER
xx