Hold On Pain Ends...

LoveyLou inspired me to write a post about hope.
The word hope is important to me. The most important word I think I've ever come across.
Some may know I have a tattoo of hope on my wrist, which I got last year around april may time.I wanted the tattoo more than anything. I love it it reminds me everyday that however shit the day is there is always hope in better days better feelings, better people there can be hope in every aspect of my life.
Since I've had the tattoo...
I have had a holiday, I've gotten into Uni, I've lost my virginity and I'm still standing here today. Surely there is hope in the world. Atm I .Just. Don't. See. It. I don't feel like I can complete Uni. I don't feel like anything any more. I know I can see the edge and it's so tempting to walk over to the edge and just jump...

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So I'm back at uni had a photoshop lesson yesterday that was really the only lesson we have this week and same for next until semester 2 starts. Was nice to see old friends but sad to know I wont see them til next week.
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I joined the gym. I'm so nervous about this. I'm skating on very thin ice. I know I wont get addicted to it because I'm such a slob atm I seriously just eat all day and just now I've had a 3 hour nap! I'm not sleeping properly which is making everything worse!
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Lee has been texting me. Yeah I know all goes down hill from there really doesn't it. I told him I didn't know why he talked to someone like me. Someone fat and ugly so boring. He was just like stop being daft n ridiculous when I said I wanted to die. Then yesterday her sent me a picture of his operation wound it was awful. I jokingly said have you got any fit army friends and he came back and said yeah do you want me to arrange something and I was just stunned! One how could he do I mean that little to him that he would rather see me with one of his mates than with him.? Two what the hell are we doing talking? he knows how much I like him fuck knows why! he really upset me when he said that. I just know I can't talk to him right now.
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Had my first counselling appointment today. I was just so tempted to run out of uni. I just didn't wanna go I can't even lift my head and talk to her its just me talking to the floor. Ended up crying nearly the whole way through. We talked about transition from uni to home and back again and how much I just need routine to keep me safe. Although I have neither job or anything else I get involve in. We talked about Lee right at the end but I just wanted to cry when I was speaking about him like I know he cant give me what I want I know he's some kind of robot with no human emotion whatsoever he's just so cold and unsupporting yet I crave him I crave his body actually coz I really do hate his personality. I have my gym induction tomorrow which I'm looking forward to I just need to keep away from the edge need to keep busy. I hate it coz when I've told people I'm suicidal they just say how are you going to keep yourself safe I'm just like wtf what sort of question is that? All I can think about right now is cutting but I cant if I wanna go to the gym!
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All my Love to whoever reads this.

ER

xx