Sometimes I think I don't know what the hell to do. Like I don't belong anywhere and I just go to place to place not knowing really what I want to do and not really what I want to achieve. Sometimes I think about quitting uni just because I'm never guna be a stylist. I just cannot be bothered in doing any work towards my degree even tho hand in is in just over a month. I was saying to my friend I wish we could just rewind just so I could do things so differently. I feel like I'm wasting my life away and it's all my fault the shitty decisions I've made over the years have got me in deeper shit and I'm getting too old to blame it on depression. It's me its part of who I am like I'm pre-disposed to have shit things happen to me.
...
This week has been busy as you know. Been working 26 hours and I'm just preparing for today-another 16hr day! I'm so knackered I cant move. Plus the weather in England is abysmal. Everything is just a struggle at the moment and I know soon as pay day will come it will not be worth it. I'm working for peanuts. Really cheap peanuts at that!
...
Being at home for 4 days was lovely I was just so happy to be back home. My niece grows up more every time I see her. She knows my name and I can't tell you how happy I am that she understands that I am her auntie. Work was good I do love people there we get on well. Well some people I don't like but others are ok.
...
I've been acting like a jealous brat this week as well. I keep seeing people on twitter say stuff and it just pisses me off that they've got iPhone 5s and holidays to barbados and cars and mummy and daddy paid for fucking everything. Its just not fair then there's me lucky to eat at all this week. Struggling to work every hour god sends. Just pisses me off so much. Life is not fair makes me want to slap them and say be more grateful and stop bragging.
...
Lee text me the other day even tho I told him to fuck off ages ago. Seriously wtf am I doing?! I don't want anything to do with him. He doesn't give a shit except getting into my knickers which as of now I've been letting him talk shit to me about coming over and seeing me. I just want some affection not grab and go. Just makes me feel even more worthless than I already am.
All my love,
ER
xx
I feel like that a lot, like I'm just floating aimlessly and there's no place for me. You're never 'too old' to blame it on depression - depression effects us regardless of age.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you had a nice time back home though. That's so cute about your niece, I can't imagine how happy that must make you!
Stay strong honey. You're in my thoughts <3 xx
sometimes i feel like I don't belong anywhere
Deletei just mean that maybe I act childish coz i cant cope on my own maybe its not depression but just me being childish?
thank you for your comment means the world to me
xx