why is it always me that gets the shit if anything can go wrong it goes wrong to me
if its raining i will get splashed by a puddle if a bird flies by it will shit on me
i just cannot cope any more
ive cut
im sat here in floods of tears because no matter what i do its never right or good enough for anyone
ive had to shut down my blog because i let him know every detail about me n im getting punished for him stalking me
i really dont know why i fucking bother
i do things for other people who wouldnt reciprocate
this isnt safe anymore this isnt real im sick of reading ive lost another fucking pound and im ana when really ur still classed as normal weight ugh try fucking living in my shoes battling to even drink on days!
i hate life
fuck you fuck everyone
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Monday, 19 November 2012
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...
I went to a charity meeting on Saturday in London and we had a surprise visit to a pizza place which was daunting I don't like eating in front of people especially other anorexics.
But I got through it ok I had garlic bread which was yummy and a salad.
I've gained weight I'm hovering around 46/47 kgs which I hate but its all I can manage right now.
Before the meeting I got myself a hot chocolate and I met a guy. Yes boy meets girl in a coffee shop scenario. Cliché isn't it but I think he is one of the nice ones. If there ever is a nice guy out there that doesn't always think with his dick. It's weird I don't want to say anything yet but he is nice so far so good. Early days I suppose.
...
My mum is really ill and I'm really worried about her. My sister text me today saying she had to see my mum in tears saying that she cant do it any more. As in she is suicidal too. I dunno what to do to help her I mean mums are always there to pick up the pieces but what if you have to pick up the pieces for them? I'm totally lost but feel its my duty to help her I owe it to her. How I'm going to idk. help me..
...
My uni work is piling up I've got photo shoots to do,appointments, finding a house for next year, bank stuff, xmas presents just everything is getting on top of me. My head is gunna explode. I just sit in a daze try just shut myself off from all responsibility and hassle.
...
Feel so hopeless.
Help.
ER
xx
But I got through it ok I had garlic bread which was yummy and a salad.
I've gained weight I'm hovering around 46/47 kgs which I hate but its all I can manage right now.
Before the meeting I got myself a hot chocolate and I met a guy. Yes boy meets girl in a coffee shop scenario. Cliché isn't it but I think he is one of the nice ones. If there ever is a nice guy out there that doesn't always think with his dick. It's weird I don't want to say anything yet but he is nice so far so good. Early days I suppose.
...
My mum is really ill and I'm really worried about her. My sister text me today saying she had to see my mum in tears saying that she cant do it any more. As in she is suicidal too. I dunno what to do to help her I mean mums are always there to pick up the pieces but what if you have to pick up the pieces for them? I'm totally lost but feel its my duty to help her I owe it to her. How I'm going to idk. help me..
...
My uni work is piling up I've got photo shoots to do,appointments, finding a house for next year, bank stuff, xmas presents just everything is getting on top of me. My head is gunna explode. I just sit in a daze try just shut myself off from all responsibility and hassle.
...
Feel so hopeless.
Help.
ER
xx
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Friday, 16 November 2012
I swam across I jumped across for you Oh what a thing to do Cause you were all yellow...
I don't know what to say.
I just know I need to post.
...
I've gained binged. What is new I'm a fat bitch.
...
I didn't think I was suicidal any more guess what I lied.
...
I think everything is going ok them Bam you bring me down to earth and remind me where I came from. The yellow. The disgusting yellow. the smog. the wallpaper. the yellow stained faces.
have you ever felt your trying to reach the apple of temptation and somewhere out of nowhere comes a claw and its pulling and pulling u back into the yellow.
It suffocates, it drowns all the life outta me. Nostalgia is like an ocean. I drown in the bubbles of yellow. the pockets of air are false. there is not air in the yellow...remember?
I don't wanna go back there. Never. Ever.It's beginning to get to me.
I never thought I'd be like this neither did I think I'd be happy.
I can remember me sitting on the bus once with my sister n I said I want to be rich so I can prove that you can come from nothing and be successful. Her response was just that's been done before.
I am anorexic I am a borderline I am a depression sufferer. You can't achieve anything with 3 death sentences right?
Its easy to give in. Not have a job. Not give a shit. sleep to forget the pain.
I'm not lucky to be here. I am so unlucky I'm living in this living hell. In this yellow.Ii don't believe in anything any more.
you left and you don't ask any more so why should I bother?
I'm alone.
All alone.
please just let me go...
I just know I need to post.
...
I've gained binged. What is new I'm a fat bitch.
...
I didn't think I was suicidal any more guess what I lied.
...
I think everything is going ok them Bam you bring me down to earth and remind me where I came from. The yellow. The disgusting yellow. the smog. the wallpaper. the yellow stained faces.
have you ever felt your trying to reach the apple of temptation and somewhere out of nowhere comes a claw and its pulling and pulling u back into the yellow.
It suffocates, it drowns all the life outta me. Nostalgia is like an ocean. I drown in the bubbles of yellow. the pockets of air are false. there is not air in the yellow...remember?
I don't wanna go back there. Never. Ever.It's beginning to get to me.
I never thought I'd be like this neither did I think I'd be happy.
I can remember me sitting on the bus once with my sister n I said I want to be rich so I can prove that you can come from nothing and be successful. Her response was just that's been done before.
I am anorexic I am a borderline I am a depression sufferer. You can't achieve anything with 3 death sentences right?
Its easy to give in. Not have a job. Not give a shit. sleep to forget the pain.
I'm not lucky to be here. I am so unlucky I'm living in this living hell. In this yellow.Ii don't believe in anything any more.
you left and you don't ask any more so why should I bother?
I'm alone.
All alone.
please just let me go...
Monday, 12 November 2012
Failure is at a price I can't afford...
45.8kgs
bmi 14.9
I don't ever wanna see 46 again.
I cant afford to eat. I've spent a grand of my student loan in a month. I don't get paid til January. I'm skint.
I'm restricting just on the fact I can't afford food atm. I don't want to spend any money until next month.
I will have to get diet coke. But even then I'm just drinking supermarket shit brand n it's disgusting.
But I cant stop thinking about restricting and eating as little as possible.
I just want to be as skinny as possible.
:(
bmi 14.9
I don't ever wanna see 46 again.
I cant afford to eat. I've spent a grand of my student loan in a month. I don't get paid til January. I'm skint.
I'm restricting just on the fact I can't afford food atm. I don't want to spend any money until next month.
I will have to get diet coke. But even then I'm just drinking supermarket shit brand n it's disgusting.
But I cant stop thinking about restricting and eating as little as possible.
I just want to be as skinny as possible.
:(
we had to take pics in seminar today of each other I hated it but I know if I posed like a absolute twat I'd not have to stand in front of the camera for ages n it worked.
I hate myself.
I'm so fucking ugly.
I have no make up on and I look awful.
I have the docs tomorrow to get more pills that's £7.65 wasted on the prescription. No doubt it will be another antidepressant for me to try.
I hate fucking hate gps they just don't care.
I feel so disgusting. I'm sat with my legs to my chest and the ripples of fat on my stomach is just gruesome.
:(
I hate myself and I want to die.
ER
xx
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