I know my destination but i'm just not there...

I dont know who i am.

I think I'm over it.

It referring to this life i'm not living.

I dont have anorexia.

I'm not that 16 yr old wishing for someone to love her.

I'm that 18year old (nearly 19) wanting love. Demanding it to complete my existence.

I dont know who i am for 3/4years now.

This inbetween person i've been is a monster a horrible creation.

"destruction is a form of creation"

Its not me.

I dont know who i want to be or how to change.

Am i changed?

Eating at least 10 biscuits a day for the past two weeks am i un- anorexic??

Im so confused.

I cant restrict my emotions bring me down into this fatness.

Andd i cant stop eating.

Even when im FULL.

Im not that anorexic 16 year old wanting attention.

I am nothing.

English rose are you there...

http://www.selfdiscoveryportal.com/arIdentity.htm

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/dissociative_disorders#what

xx

Love drunk you and i will die sober...

xx

Therapy...

Maybe this post is guna be quite heavy/deep so those of a nervous disposition look away now :P aha
...
So as the title suggests theapy was pretty umm soul searching yesterday. She made me go through my list of dietary rules and she made me list where they've come from. Every single one i've made up and tbh they have no relevance. I live by a set of solid 13 rules (there are more) but each and everyone is unachieveable and unsustainable. She kept repeating i set myself up to fail. Fasting, restcting living by these rules. No wonder i punish myself. They are important incredibily so. But why? Why are they so ridgid and control me every waking moment? Rules that i set, that i break, that i punish. I think im insane just talking about them. To another person reading them it must be like WTF?
...
Another thing she said which made me like what am i doing? was that i need to change the rules in order to be happy. I cant be happy with the rules in place. She was like you can have the life, but the rules will be following you all the way down the M1 when i'm in lodon. Nothing is guna make me happy until i dont live by them. Its just guna be a continual depressive life. Until i allow a life free from rules. Free from the clutches of Anorexia Nervosa, Severe depression, Adjustment dissorder, OCD, and Borderline Personality disorder. 
xx

AAnnnd it feeeels like jealousy...

I want a life.
With Money, great job, amazing family and friends, a social life, most importantly a life free from this depression.
I know i dont deserve any of this or am ever guna achieve happiness.
Remind me why i'm still here?
...
Leeds today. I hope she doesnt weigh me even if she wants too i'm guna refuse. I'm not guna let her read my food diary. It's so shameful. I hate it.
...
Got my samaritans interview today lets hope i can be a listening volunteer. I'm not sure if i could help someone without giving them direct advice tho gunna b tricky.
...
My mum keeps buying me food that i love. She can see the pain in my face.. the distant look where i just cant stand to be here. She knows i'm depressed.Work is taking its toll. I did leilas shift 8-2 then my shift 5-8 im soo exhausted but the sun is shining ffs so i cant sleep. :/ Plus i keep crying and hearing that fucking self scan woman
"Please put your items in the bagging area" "insert cash or select pay with card" "key in code or look up item" arggh shes haunting me !!! haha

xx

Turn my dark days into light years...

I'm in one of those moods...
You no... the feeling??
Depression
Dee Press Shion
Depression.
 I feel like somethings Pressed on me
Suffocating.
It's like saddness crashes over me like a wave on a rock.
CRASH
As the water levels rise in my eyes like a washing machine filling up with water.
A spin cycle?
Behind my eyes my mind is spinning faster than the washing machine drum.
It's times like these when i just need to go, run, somewhere fast, away from myself.
My fat, ugly, disgusting self.
I want to just be unconsious.
Peace
+ quiet no battles i have to fight eveery day.
I want to put own the armour. Its too heavy. Its "weighing" me down.

Are you in the game?

GW1 : 45kgs
GW2 : 41kgs
GW3 : 38kgs = perfection

xx

Gold Silver bronze...

.... got my A level results...
A* economics
A psychology
B English literature

dissapointed with psychology should have been A* im gutted i feel like a failure i shud of had that nailed argh im so ashamed :/

xx