She may believe you, but I never will. NEVER AGAIN.

Wow.
What a few days.
It's been horrible wall of arms.
Are you sitting comfortably? We shall begin...

I blew Katie off on Thursday as I was having an awful day with Lee n missing home. She text me Friday night and came up. Seems like we always go over the same things when we see each other. She talks about how she's 'helping a friend out' when she or Tom is drunk they sleep together. Friends with extras. She talks about how we should go out. And of course we talk about how I'm still hung up on Jamie.
It hit me like a someone hit me right in the stomach. I was in shock until she left. He's slept with 54 people including me. I feel disgusting that I'm one of those people. How can someone sleep with that many people?! I was just a number to him I meant nothing. Worst thing I asked him while we were in bed together one night in his arms how many people he had slept with and he said he didn't keep count! he lied to me so I would have sex with him. I thought I'd kinda moved on like we haven't been together for 3 months? I never wanna see him again. I mean what do I say to him?! I can't even look at myself over what happened I feel vile. How the hell am I supposed to keep calm. I hate him. (Jamie took my virginity that's why I'm so upset) he will always be remembered as my first but what am I to him his 40 Th?? :'( God knows how I managed not to cut! So there it is how much of a horrible human being I am I was drunk enough to fall for a man slag!! I hate myself.
...
The gym isn't going well! I keep feeling really out of breath and my chest hurts so much like its being compressed :( feels horrible like I'm gunna pass out when I'm on the treadmill. Please help what is it??
My weight is 45.1kg this morning 5.1% fat BMI 14.7 not good enough still got 15 lbs to loose!
...
I've got nothing special planned this week just day to day bullshit. I need a miracle right now to remind me why I'm still here.
Here is pics of the final hand in project we had to do I didn't do these pics I just modelled for them. Tell me how ugly and fat I look. Make my day...

All my jealous love/hatred,
ER
xx

Hold On Pain Ends...

LoveyLou inspired me to write a post about hope.
The word hope is important to me. The most important word I think I've ever come across.
Some may know I have a tattoo of hope on my wrist, which I got last year around april may time.I wanted the tattoo more than anything. I love it it reminds me everyday that however shit the day is there is always hope in better days better feelings, better people there can be hope in every aspect of my life.
Since I've had the tattoo...
I have had a holiday, I've gotten into Uni, I've lost my virginity and I'm still standing here today. Surely there is hope in the world. Atm I .Just. Don't. See. It. I don't feel like I can complete Uni. I don't feel like anything any more. I know I can see the edge and it's so tempting to walk over to the edge and just jump...

...
So I'm back at uni had a photoshop lesson yesterday that was really the only lesson we have this week and same for next until semester 2 starts. Was nice to see old friends but sad to know I wont see them til next week.
...
I joined the gym. I'm so nervous about this. I'm skating on very thin ice. I know I wont get addicted to it because I'm such a slob atm I seriously just eat all day and just now I've had a 3 hour nap! I'm not sleeping properly which is making everything worse!
...
Lee has been texting me. Yeah I know all goes down hill from there really doesn't it. I told him I didn't know why he talked to someone like me. Someone fat and ugly so boring. He was just like stop being daft n ridiculous when I said I wanted to die. Then yesterday her sent me a picture of his operation wound it was awful. I jokingly said have you got any fit army friends and he came back and said yeah do you want me to arrange something and I was just stunned! One how could he do I mean that little to him that he would rather see me with one of his mates than with him.? Two what the hell are we doing talking? he knows how much I like him fuck knows why! he really upset me when he said that. I just know I can't talk to him right now.
...
Had my first counselling appointment today. I was just so tempted to run out of uni. I just didn't wanna go I can't even lift my head and talk to her its just me talking to the floor. Ended up crying nearly the whole way through. We talked about transition from uni to home and back again and how much I just need routine to keep me safe. Although I have neither job or anything else I get involve in. We talked about Lee right at the end but I just wanted to cry when I was speaking about him like I know he cant give me what I want I know he's some kind of robot with no human emotion whatsoever he's just so cold and unsupporting yet I crave him I crave his body actually coz I really do hate his personality. I have my gym induction tomorrow which I'm looking forward to I just need to keep away from the edge need to keep busy. I hate it coz when I've told people I'm suicidal they just say how are you going to keep yourself safe I'm just like wtf what sort of question is that? All I can think about right now is cutting but I cant if I wanna go to the gym!
...

All my Love to whoever reads this.

ER

xx

Do you ever feel like there's not a person in the world that loves you?


I feel this all the time.
I welcome the end...

ER
xx

hell is empty and all the devils are here...

I'm sat in halls in front of the computer bored yet again on my own trying to avoid people as much as possible I just can't deal with people, their bullshit and their nastiness!

When I got back I found out that the locks on my kitchen cupboard have been tampered with and then when I was cooking today I noticed that they have actually took something. They took cheap washing up liquid and sponges!

How low are people?! And why do they fucking keep stealing from me!

:'( I hate it here. I don't want to have to keep looking over my shoulder and be paranoid about everyone, who hates me and who wants to make my life a misery!

Just feel utterly shit! Hate life.

Sick of people ignoring me as well I mean why the fuck should I bother with anyone coz they all just fuck you over everyone is just dickheads!

ER
xx

But to live doesn't mean you're alive...

Sick of you bullshitting.


All my hatred.
ER,
xx

I don't know why...

Got an email from Dan today.
I dunno why but its upset me so much. I found out that he has a gf and I'm just not ok with it. I should be a good friend and be happy about it but I'm not I hate that he has. I hate that he's happy and everything is going well for him when my life is just so shit. I don't like how he's come back and just made me so unhappy. It was just horrible when I saw the words. I could feel my heart sink and just have this horrible anger at him. No wonder he was never there for me when he's fucking shagging someone. Just bullshit. This just proves that I'll never be happy if  god has let him be happy. he told me that life has just passed by that's the reason why he's not been in touch but I just don't believe him and I hate that I resent him.
probably because of last night I kissed a randomer but he was more bothered about his phone and feeling me up than anything else. Just that's it. Nothing special a grope in a nightclub. Why am I never allowed more?
It's got me thinking about Jamie and Lee who they spent New Years with. I'll be so jealous when Jamie or lee get a gf just because they refused to be my bf. I'm gunna seriously hate that day when I see them with other people.
It's actually making me cry now.
I can't live when people are just utter cunts  to me.
hate myself and I want to fucking die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't want to be here...

God smashed last night.
hated it
Hate being drunk feel so rough today smacked my head on my wall this morning which was delightful!
Lost my lipstick.
Drunken emailed Dan abuse :(
Should never text/have my phone while I'm drunk.
All I could think about was Jamie...how I was drunk the last time.
I really miss him and our times together..

All my hungover love
ER
xx