There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don't know how Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my wonderwall

That song always gives me goosebumps.

Seriously.

I really wanna play it on guitar.

That would make me happy.

I have so much to say in this post but idk where to begin.

"the finish line is a good place we will  start"

private joke

I told Dan I needed some space I talked bwt him in therapy and it was helpful but I think I'd already made up my mind about the way I feel about him before I even discussed him.

I just need to pluck up the courage to text him.

Not gunna be easy which means I need more space away from him.

Therapy was good but I'm concerned that all we talk about is uni n how nervous I am but I don't wanna talk bwt that not atm.

Had my 2nd driving lesson and I nearly crashed someone pulled off when I was about to turn into the road. Scared me.

I managed to get through my 12 hour day at work well all over supermarket land.

I'd like it to be my full time job tbh merchandising.

Kinda like it.

Anyway I saw my dilf and he had a wife! made me sad. He's so gorg!

I no I'm rambling but hey

umm what else oh I've started talking to this guy off pt he's umm haha lovely but at the same time not secretive but umm not forthcoming with info makes me kinda nervous? Idk think we really get on well though so must be doing something right?

Its nice to talk.

Seems like no1 talks any more.

Oh yeh my Grandad is really ill. Makes me sad I felt my heart sink when I found out. I don't ever wanna loose my family its small enough as it is.

I went out last nite got drunk with my sissy.

felt unbelievably sick with my antis they don't go at all!

I've been really depressed today.

Had a panic attack after I went to a vintage fair I bought a Del boy top its cool.

I really panicked.

Not had one as bad as that in public for a while.

Its horrible.

umm think that's it?

I need to do something bwt this depression I shouldn't feel this bad on antis.

:S help

ER

xx

Please please please be ok grandad
i love you so much you cant leave Irene
Please get better fight this please

Inside in. Inside out.

Summer was always a nice time of the year. Me and my sister would play out. We used to play badminton in the back garden. My mum bought us some cheap rackets. To be honest we were quite shit at it. We never really got a rally going we used to take it in turns to pick up the shuttle cock. We used to get ice lollies I used to like the rocket lollies or screwballs the one with raspberry ripple ice cream in a plastic cone with a juicy ball of chewing gum at the bottom...

I felt suicidal last night. I've not felt so helpless so distressed in a long time. It was a real low. I woke up this morning with a pounding headache because I was crying so much I thought my head was gunna explode so much so I had to go back to bed and I promised myself to wake up in a better mood. I think I have but at the same time I'm lost and I'm about to make the most difficult and wrong decision of my life yet, I just want to be free of my feelings for Dan. I don't love him love him. I just love him. I don't want him to hurt me which is what he's doing now but its all my fault because I want him to be something else than what he is. I'm making a dick out of myself as per. And I'm pushing away one of the most amazing people I've ever met...

Me and My sister always used to write a list of all the things we'd like to do in the 6 weeks holiday. Normally we would put the seaside on I suppose that's why I love it so much. We would always go to Cleethorpes as its my Mums place to go. Its not too far and its not Bridlington where my mums best friend lived (she had a mental breakdown and died). We would have to hire a car to get us there coz we couldn't afford a reliable car that used to be all that we would get out of the summer holiday. We didn't have any more money to do anything else. We was just bored and made up games in the house that we played with our dolls well my sisters dolls that she used to let me play with. We would pin all our hopes on our dad to take us out to relieve us of our boredom. He did a few times like to Scarborough or to Leeds for shopping or to London later on...

I have so much to do this week, working I mean of course when am I ever not working? I'm stressed about that to be honest I don't want to work when I'm this depressed. I can't wait until therapy to talk to someone. To tell her about how down I am no doubt she will just tell me to go to my GP. I fucking would if she wasn't on hol for 3 weeks grr. *sigh*. I researched Marilyn Monroe yest as I was having an episode I love her quotes.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”


“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 


“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.” 


“Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world.”

ER
xx

your holding in your hands to halves of my heart...

I need to talk to someone.

I cant talk to any of my "friends" coz they've all got other things to deal with and some r pissing me off tbf

so here i am

i dont really wanna talk about it but ill be up all night again if i dont

i want to talk to Dan but hes guna think im too needy and clingy so i need to fight the urge to text him tbh i wanna push him away so i dont get hurt

i feel suicidal

thats why i need to blog

i feel trapped again

i have this overwhelming saddness that is torture

i took 40mg today coz i somehow forgot yest i duno why

its made me feel grogy all day

im fed up

back to square one

i want to die again

the thoughts are so strong i cant cope

i want Dan to say come meet me next week

and i wanna go for us to just cuddle 

i want to feel loved

i know im mad and he doesnt love me but its so tempting wanting him to love me even when i dont love him like that

its fucked up

coz were just friends!

friends

friend

  

noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends ofthe Boston Symphony.

3.

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4.

a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.

( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society ofFriends; a Quaker.

Friends with benefits refers to an agreement between two people who are both friends and physically attracted to one another to share a sexual relationship. Neither party is considered committed to the other, and both can start dating someone else at any time with prior warning. A friends with benefits arrangement is not considered dating, a relationship or even casual dating by most people who use the term.

sigh what am I doing?

why cant life be fucking simple?

to top things off Adam contacted me the other day fucking cheek! i emailed him back as well like a dumb ass i am coz my heart skips a beat for him dumb bitch n he hasnt emailed back so i look like a twat ugh

kill me please?

I just need to sleep.

And sort my meds out monday morning.

And not to bother with people who dont give a shit.

Ha such a lovely plan for the week! 

bitch

ER

xx

I'm so ugly that's okay cause so are you...

UGLY

Fat Repulsive Mess

I hate myself

ER

xx

me and tabs ARE NOT friends...

I think I'm playing with fire.

I've been prescribed a lower dose of citalopragm my antidepressants.

20mg down to 10mg.

But I've carried on taking 20mg still.

But I can still get a months worth of that as well in 10mg.

I wanna stash it.

Is that so bad?

I only got a lower dose coz I was manic last week or a couple weeks before that.

But my mood has plummeted since.

I'm suicidal.

As u can tell >.<

I've been taking pro-plus with my 3 caffeine fixes of diet coke cans surely that's over the limit?

yet I'm still moody and lethargic no energy at all 

wtf?

wtf is wrong with me?!?!?!

I'm tired and I could sleep for days seriously.

Just wanna crawl into bed and die.

My sis called it my pit t'other day.

How true.

Top things off I've got a killer sore throat like I'm constantly swallowing sand paper.

Fuck.

I just want Dan right now.

Just a cuddle.

Please? thank you

I want Dan.

ER

xx

please teach me gently how to breathe...

You're nothing.
Nothing.
Listening to Birdy must be the most saddest and the most peaceful way to spend my sunday evening.
Cue tears.
Welcome to the lows.
ER
xx