I dont want to do this anymore...

I can't stop crying.
Im so so depressed and sad all the time.
I dont know how long i can take much more of this.
Piling on the pounds,
Feeling miserable 97% of the time,
No friends,
No job,
No money,
Crap family,
No one cares or loves me FACT.

Researched suicide hotspots - closest 1 is humber bridge i wanna feel that falling feeling that i know im free and dont have to pretend anymore, get up and feel utter misery that im still living this shit life.

The book i was reading. Despite all Keith said it just made me more determined there is no way out except suicide.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/332256/Keith-Lane-Angel-of-Beachy-Head-Health-and-Safety-Stop-Order.html

I cut last night coz he didnt text me back and i look like a dick for texting him.

For the first time i actually couldn't do it properly it hurt i know its suppose to but all the other times i just felt totally numb. Last night i stopped half way thru ive even become fed up and exhausted that i cant even self harm right anymore. I want to see the blood trickling down my arm. To see that im real and not just a negative of a person. I feel like all there is to me is fat and saddness. Nothing else just illnessess. Does that make sense? Like i have no personality as i think about binging food suicide self loathing and not much else.
I want to binge on a toasted bagel and burn my self on the toaster in the process.
I DESERVE IT.
I hate myself.
Im a fucking waste of space.
I wish i was never born.

Kanye West - Amazing

I love this song      :) Kanye is like on all the tym atm.
So yeh.
Yesterday i had my starbucks encounter with Adam. He was lovely we talked for 2 hours without any really awkwardness. He's so gorgeous like i mean way outta my league.
Blue eyes, lovely curly hair and a cheeky smile.
I'm not good enough he deserves better much better.

...
I've started reading this book
"Life on the edge" by Keith lane
i urge anyone reading this to read that book. Ive cried like 10x over how he descibes suicide and how painful it is to experience depression. I would love to meet him. He is one incredible amazing wonderful  human being!
...
45.5kgs tday but ive binged on sweets :(.
...
Complete nightmare suppose t b outpatients at leeds turns out only got funding for ip which i dont want and im just pissed off with health professionals atm so ive made a complaint. :) dont fucking mess me about im not takin the shit anymore u bastard!!!
arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
xx

I'm exhausted, barely breathing holding on to what i believe in...

Im not liking new blogger i dont get how to use it where the fuck has dashboard gone plz all i want is to read blogs and post  but i keep going on my blog when ever i press something argh its frustrating!!!
...
Rant over
ive been busy busy well i saw sarah yesterday which was amazing i love her so much i just wish i had more time to spend with her coz we need a reeet good catch up she gave me kanye wests albums and im addicted 808s and heartbeats is brilliant
west is best oui?
:)
i gave her my sylvia dvd and one flew over the cuckoos nest
...
went to the social worker boring shes such a dick cant stand her poking her nose in i wanna tell sum1 bwt my self harming i burnt my arm on the toaster coz ive been binging shock horror ano and my arm is really disgustingly weeping a habit that is brought on by me picking my scars coz of my personality disorder :S
...
went for a job interview at a warehouse for a like canteen assistant hhaaha ano me surrounded by food ill eat it all nO NO NO idk if i got it im waiting to hear from her i was only in there like 3 mins so im not hopeful
...
i didnt get the miss selfridge job :( i had to pick out an oufit for a festival that was fun but they really wanted sum1 more permanent so im ok with it if i was staying and not going uni probs wud of got it ?? maybs
...
im suppose to b seein adam thurs but idk i think ive gone off him its just idk now i have a feeling its guna b awkward and i just dnt no how to act or b around ppl anymore i hate making new relationships with people i just cant b bothered and i dnt wanna lie to him bwt being mentally ill coz its a massive part of me idk especially when im guna b out patients at leeds (finally) ano so yeh i mite wait to c if he texts a tym to meet and if he dunt then it wasnt meant to be :S
...
going for a picnic in a bit with zainab even tho its freexing outsidee ive got a thick jumper on and hotpants haha ano i feel like such a fashion idiot today i dont fit into my size 6 leggings and i dont wanna rip them so im refusin to wear them until weight is off me
...
xx

waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways/heart ache...

ADAM never text me he said he came back wednesday and that he'd text me but he hasn't.
My sister said there is more fish in the sea but what if i dont want those fish i just wanted him.
I dont think it matters like it needs to be him he needs to save me make me happy i mean like when am i going to find another him? he was sooo right u no? like wow! for the first time i thought finally i'd met my type who actually liked me back but obviously not. :''''(
Im sick of rejection i cant handle it its like something some piece inside of me crumbles its not like i have a loving family and friends to give me that unconditional positive regard its just me. Im sick of being alone.
Adam i really really need u right now. I just want ur arms around me. Someone to tell me why the fuck im still living.
Pathetic.
...
Its raining really heavily here thunder and lighting. BEA-U-TiFUL!!!!
...
I had my interview today not guna get it got another 1 tomorrow at a famous high st shop not gunna get that either competition is fierce and i have to lie and say i dunno if im goin uni i was so scared to tell her the truth. Oh and ive got an appt with my new social worker at 9 that shud b fun. Im just gunna say that i dnt need her help coz im gunna kill myself one way or another.
...
Aeris off PA on tuesday cant fucking wait guna av a r8 catch up. Shes amazing i lovee her lotsee.
..
well im guna do sit ups im aiming for 300/400 then paint my nails then self harm i haven't dun it in ages but i dnt care anymore i just want to punish myself for being a total waste of space and contemplate how ugly i am.
adios!
much love
ill blog tmoz at thee library opefully
xx

we've only just begun...

I haven't wrote here in ages.

I just need to get a few things out.

*wipes away tears*

I dont know what im living for...

I feel numb like this isnt reality im not where i want to be.

I have no job

 no money

 i have rags for clothes

 my family dont give a shit

 im a hypocrite

IM FAT

IM UGLY

I want to die

Like sooo bad whats the point of living when its just gunna continue i feel like am a broken record saying the same things feeling the same shit feeling wearing the same clothes

i wanna get off this perverse merry go round

Where the fuck are u?

I need saving saving from myself

Can you have a personality transplant coz i need to sign up please?

I've just researched karen carpenter

she died of anorexia

im so fucked up that i envy that

i wish it wud take me instead of traping me toying with me dragging me to the brink only to fling me back for more

entangling me in this spider web of despair deceit and misery

SPIDERS= a symbol of poison

isnt it ironic that anorexia feeds off me just like a spider???

xx

last day pics

Im the one with the brown hair n stripey blue n white owl jumper.
Im fat ugly and disgusting i no :(
xx

Coldplay - Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall